Not Sure Anymore

 

Dear Lord,
You remember that one prayer I’m sure:

But please overturn my initial request
For it was utter foolishness at its best
The one about preserving my life
That I prayed while staring Death in the eyes

For I wrongly assumed You’d eventually deliver me
Or restore me at least- to the difficult place I used to be
If it truly is up to me-
To obtain the numerous, drastic changes needed
Let me stop wasting both our time
Cuz I’ve already used up all of my life

This burden is now far more than I can bear
For none was taken from me- only added to my despair
I’ve tasted enough- I get the point I’m sure
And I no longer desire to live anymore, Lord

Please let me fade in a dream
And never know my passing
For I’ve had enough fear
Had enough pain
And there’s not enough good in this world
To ever outweigh

And hope feels like a lie
It falls through every single time
I don’t want to live this way any more
Put me out of my misery, Lord
Please let me die

Head Count

wrath for agony

One year ago I sat down
And wrote to you about how
I would try harder and bring myself out
And I’m sitting here again now
Just checking in for the head count

I said I’d grow stronger and overcome
I’m grieved to report that none of it is done
I recognized my fate and started to run
Right into the darkness as I readied my weapon

And I’ve been here since then
strategizing my next plan
And following through with each of them
But I’ve failed again. again. Again…

This enemy is much stronger and more cunning than I could ever have anticipated
Every trap and weapon of fearsome resolve has been evaded
And cast right back into my own flesh
As I sit with these scars to weep and reflect-
I swear that my rage shall endure to the last breath

With every scourge that’s been cast
For every thorn in my back
The enemy only feeds my strength
As I grow increasingly enraged

It will all be repaid in the very end
And I will remain below to ensure the enemy’s descent.

I swear I still fight
Just give me some more time.

Today’s Thoughts- Negative But Honest

midnight_of_july_by_nanfe-d6dr5pd

There aren’t any words in language to convey
What it is that I want to say
Because in a most depraved, terrible way
I wish someone else could suffer feeling the same

Never as a child could I ever have thought
That in a million years, I’d be to where I’ve got
More than just alone-
Like God has even disowned

Therapy doesn’t work
And the pills are even worse
Food doesn’t bring any strength
And drugs stopped working anyway

No company seems to alleviate
In fact, it may even aggravate
I could touch them right now
But can’t feel them anyhow

Can’t even feel the blade on my skin
There’s not enough alcohol to bring back a sting
There’s not enough blood
To express anything

As I’m lying on the ground
From society- miles out
The winds are whipping around
As the demons are howling
I came looking for You-
You were nowhere to be found

I wandered out here seeking
Any kind of comforting
But not even the most broken hearted of cries
Evokes from You any kind of reply

I have no place in society
Yet Death does not take me
Nor does Lucifer have any need
And You as well, must have stopped listening.

Halloween Cleaning and the DarkHeart Writings

awesomejack
Just in time for Halloween: All of the last year’s content has been removed and I am nearly finished with the second book- “The DarkHeart Writings” (Year 3). DarkHeart Writings and “Bloody Endurance” (years 1 and 2) will hopefully also be available soon as an ebook for free. Thanks for reading and Happy Halloween season!

 

Write your soul,
              Endurance Warrior

Letter to Young Endurance

index

If you don’t want to feel it, I can feel it for you
I can bear your burden, so that you don’t have to
You’re safe inside
You don’t have to cry

I heard what they said to you
I saw what they didn’t do.
I was there when they abandoned you
I used all my strength to pull us through

I’m sorry that I couldn’t hold all of it
There is quite a bit that you missed
In order for us to survive
I had to plunge us into darkness

And I’m sorry that I risked your life
As time and time again I tried
But never did manage even to find
Us that tiny bit of rest inside

But you were never afraid
You were always too brave
You didn’t fear the pain
And didn’t push it away

I was in awe that you understood
In the way only a much older soul could
I learned courage from you
And you’re still teaching me too

Hold on young Warrior
Don’t forsake the world
For I’ve been right within you
Since you were a little girl

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