Once There Was


Where now you see my hate,

There actually was once faith.

Where Once  I believed in destiny,

There is now only left excruciating defeat.


I used to see things as a finite period of time-

That they could or would turn with the tides.

But what of when the waves cease to relent?

What of the countless todays of which there are no ends?


I once saw my torment as a puzzle piece

That would be used in some cosmic plan, ultimately.

But too long the days have blended together as the same-

one giant, indiscernible mess of  anger,blood, and pain.


In which moment exactly was it that

I began crawl to this place that I’m at?

A place where faith slipped away and was replaced with  this-

such a deeply twisted, innate sickness


How did I manage to fuck up so profoundly and completely

Did I wander too far from a God who then decided He had too many sheep..?


Once there was Hope within me

But now what more can I say?

For Once all Hope is missing

There’s nothing that can replace.


What Do You See


You think you want to be in my life
What is it you think of value behind pretty eyes?
I can’t want, I don’t need- your company
I’ve no use for any of it- I don’t want to take anything

Even the pain is forsaking me
I can’t get a grip on reality
What do you feel…?
I cannot speculate at all
As to why you want to be here with me
Do you see something in my eyes that I cannot perceive?

I have stared searching and seen- grey, nothing, empty
Hypnotized at all times by the torment behind those eyes
Dying everyday again, in small increments

I want to care. I cannot care.
I want to feel. I cannot feel
I want to die. I cannot die.

You’re Enjoying This Aren’t You?


So You finally have me all figured out
And at last You have me fully beaten down
You looked inside my soul
And took Your time to take control

You separated out each portion of me
Making sure it was done the most painfully
You severed every sinew
And laid them out before You

You’re my perfect tormentor
As if I weren’t already tortured.
Are You trying to making me hate You?
Well Maybe I already do…

Maybe I do resent You for portraying Yourself to me
As the omnipotent, inescapable, malevolent cosmic Being
Do You enjoy harassing the poor?
Do You get something out of taking away even more?

How could You call man made in Your image
When You assign so much agony cuz You think it’ll make a difference?
For even the good among us is far easier to trust
Than the death sentences You make, to try to “refine” people in some way-
Well You overshot the limit for what this body can take!

For You dragged my soul out of the void
And crafted me as mortal so that I could be destroyed
Your hand is far heavier than you obviously perceive
Maybe it’s an accident when You crush a human being

Human- You only made me so
And my suspicions have since then grown
That You don’t really mind or even give a shit about me
Well fine- 200% wasn’t enough effort- I’ll just do my own damn thing!

Crush me if You please
For You already started the process long ago
You’re just finishing me off far too slowly
that with my strength I can say one thing only:

“FUCK YOUR ‘PLANS’ ” !!!            Find someone else now…               For if You ever seek me again,           I shall not be found.

will You now strike me down
From up above, hiding in the clouds?
Will You even give me a fair fight
To listen to me and consider changing Your mind?

It’s like You target me in order to disable me
What’d I do to You to merit such anger so prematurely?
What wickedness did I commit before this
That You’d dismiss my life to be so unfortunate?

I KNOW I have no rights to say these things
But in my situation I don’t know what IS right- cuz You won’t explain
You’re enjoying this aren’t You???
But You don’t even answer and I haven’t figured out how to force You to.

“I’m Fine”


Again give me some time
To reframe my state of mind,
Hang it up on the wall,
And say that I’m just “fine”

As far as any gaping truths go
Please try not to mind
Ill pick it up from here,
suck it up and get a life

I’m a well adjusted adult
Adaptable and refined!
Now I only need to reconcile
My reality with sound advice

And the twitching in my eye?
It’s just a little tick
From one too many times
Of putting up with this

Oh my arm is dangling off you’re saying?
And you’re disconcerted by the blood that’s spraying?
Sorry I’ll try to bleed a bit more discreetly
Cuz apparently people can’t handle the transparency

Its not my fault you grew up under a rock
And were able to attain the fundamentals of want
Or that you’re thinking your feelings are so complex
You’re as deep as a ditch alright… Is what I’d say- at best…

Oh dear… Did I just slip up and speak my mind?
What I meant to say was to convey to you that “I’m fine!”

Slippery Hearts

Feelings are so confusing
I’ll never get them down
The slippery trickery
That just crazily leads us around

You think you care about someone                                                                                                 And that they care about you too
Then they fuck you over
And everything falls right through

Then the ones who actually did care
By the time it’s figured out- they’re no longer there
Why are there so few humans who really give a shit-
I mean when they’re not getting something out for themselves in it?

Maybe the problem is to care’s to care too much
and I therefore end up saying that “I don’t give a fuck”
Cuz humans can’t reciprocate
Past the point when their appetite is sated

Can we not see past our base-most beast instincts
And identify them for what they are- in this dire age?
Can we not override our futile desires
In order to ignite the truest of Love’s fires?!

“We Don’t Do Drugs.”


I guess I’m just a drug
That’s being passed around
And people say they like it
Up until the let down

Everyone knows it’s no good for you
“But it’s all that’s here  now- I’ll have to make due”
Pass the time waiting for something right to come along
Something real, something stable- that doesn’t feel so wrong

I pack my highs and my lows
With a punch- got plenty of those
And it was fun for the time that it lasted
Like any interesting enough trip on acid

Was it enjoyable and amusing?
Do you now savor it amidst your musings?

I’m just a hard hit
Not the type to be a wife and settle down with kids
And now someone else thinks they wanna try it
But after the high it’s a crash of disappointment

Too difficult to handle
Draining the hope right out of your soul
No, no one can stay on me very long
Cuz like any drug- it won’t always be as strong.

This is Life

Here I am, on the cusp of the a decade’s eve
Yet it took me this long  to finally see
That This is Life-
It doesn’t play all that well or nice
Nor take any bargains
Or work out with sound advice

Life never gives you an easy task
And once one is finished, it never quite lasts
Every hope is a farce
and expectations far worse

It would even seem this life is orchestrated
By a type of cosmic, malevolent spectator
Accessing the recesses of your mind
That you desperately tried in vain to hide
And goes on in irony to bring out
Every nightmare you tried to hard
Not to think about

This is Life-
A hell designed specifically for you
Of which You’re then locked inside
hedged in on every side
And ever opposed by a force most divine
As retribution for the  unknown crimes

If I were to speak to myself at the young and naive,  yet bright age of twelve
I couldn’t tell you the truth, for risk of breaking you

That This turned out to be  Life-
But you have to at least try
So I’ll simply redirect to tell you a more comforting lie:
Many years from now, you’ll turn out just fine.

I’ll lovingly neglect the fact that everything they said was right-
That there wasn’t any point in putting up such a fight
Getting older fucking sucked in every single way
I figured out that they were lying when they’d try to take back the things theyd say

This is Life
So fucking wonderful that I even tattooed
A big old happy heart on my chest, just to suit my mood
And in the most poetical sense that I can most candidly state:
That if This is Life and nothing ever changed in time
I really ought to set down my resolve
And just finish it up tonight.