I’ve observed the Universal Opposition
That is perpetuating this condition
Sit and wait as it feeds the hate
Sick in skin, so sick within
Bound, contained, hope restrained
Cold, sterile walls every which way
Severing, hostaging my humanity:
Afflicted by the intangible
And the Addiction of the inexplicable
It never was believable
That permanence could ever be achievable
Stability, rationality, some kind of state of accessibility
Knowing how to interpret the signs I’ve seen
And remembering the times in-between
All of the acts
Seen only from behind glass
That first lesson learned
Of the losses yearned
I still can’t understand
Why the reprimanding
For so very much screaming
For not a sound made
For an internal bleeding
With no understanding gained
There’s a scream building up inside
That’s so bitter of being controlled
It struggles, fights, and strives to defy
Yet cannot escape it’s very own hold
What am I going to shield with this time
Not victimized nor satisfied
By the agonizing status quo
It’s here for my self destruction
And it runs with an indiscernible mind of its own
Where is the line between the impossible and improbable
As I’m waiting for these problems that seem excruciatingly unresolvable
As if it’s not in my hands
But I’m the only one I hold responsible for these ever diminishing demands
As I’m left sitting across
from the unforgiving clock
The sand ever quickening its tormentous drop
With every turn of it, I set my disciplinary resolve
Yet still find myself bound and gagged, subject to the same pain that started this all
How does a blade grow sharper with time
How does this hatred always end up being mine
I’m trying to communicate from behind this cage inside
But most days I simply feel
Deaf, mute, and blind.
I can’t tell if I really don’t care, or desperately need
To find a way to convey what’s reeking, rotting, decaying inside
But the feeling simply won’t fit through
By means of any of the old ways of telling you.
I am indescribably angry
Yet simultaneously paralyzed by defeat
I’ve ceased the tears, forbidden and without meaning
A thousand this night would say nothing at all.
No prayer can reconcile now how far I’ve fallen
I told you I was a bad character after all.
It’s with the utmost pain I pry these dull, lifeless words from my apathetic brain
This fork in the path I now stand at
Leads downward to hell both ways
Either way I take, I end up seeking my grave.
Rather than make a decision,
I find myself lying down in the middle of all this, hoping to find
The courage and the means for my suicide.
All that’s left in my mind, I fantasize
Practicing, relaying, over and over again replaying
My relief and demise, seeing again in my mind’s eye
Picturing with glee
My blood running free, released, relieved.
I’ve observed, felt, and learned
How this always goes
I’m tired now, it wouldn’t have mattered which road I chose.
Because now I have lived, and made my final decision.