And After It All, Here I Am

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I can’t tell if I really don’t care, or desperately need
To find a way to convey what’s reeking, rotting, decaying inside
But the feeling simply won’t fit through
By means of any of the old ways of telling you.

I am indescribably angry
Yet simultaneously paralyzed by defeat
I’ve ceased the tears, forbidden and without meaning
A thousand this night would say nothing at all.
No prayer can reconcile now how far I’ve fallen

I told you I was a bad character after all.

It’s with the utmost pain I pry these dull, lifeless words from my apathetic brain
This fork in the path I now stand at
Leads downward to hell both ways
Either way I take, I end up seeking my grave.

Rather than make a decision,
I find myself lying down in the middle of all this, hoping to find
The courage and the means for my suicide.

All that’s left in my mind, I fantasize
Practicing, relaying, over and over again replaying
My relief and demise, seeing again in my mind’s eye
Picturing with glee
My blood running free, released, relieved.
I’ve observed, felt, and learned
How this always goes
I’m tired now, it wouldn’t have mattered which road I chose.

Because now I have lived, and made my final decision.

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