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You’re asking me all of these questions  
To make speculation and offer suggestions
And I appreciate your patient inquisition
But I cannot offer you emotion in this.
For the only words that will speak in an intelligible tongue
Are all of the unspoken ones.

Many Years Along

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Of all the mistakes that I’ve made since then
If I could speak to you again
In your former most innocenct of ways
These are the words I would say

My child, please remember
In the darkest part of your Decembers
The flickering light set inside
And don’t just let it die this time

Bring yourself back to the old rusty gate
In the midst of those abysmal moments
Of which I just couldn’t take away

And in that depraved waiting place
Bring into your mind
That one elusive, far away place
Where the sunlight ever embraced
In that eternal, unearthly way

Be mindful to run with the wind
And make your best to balance WHEN
You reach your jagged path’s most end

When life is pulling back too strong
For you to keep fighting on
Stop gripping that rope-
Simply open your hands
And let it go
Watch it fall
Opposition and beginnings
Starting to flow again, after it all

But do keep holding on

To those silent seconds of ascension
Please, in your confusion-
Try to keep in your direction

Please let yourself rest for once this time
Knowing it will be done,
When it’s time is right

And when it’s pitch black
And you can no longer withstand
The inner attacks
Just remember
The sun and the moon will return to shine down upon your December

I won’t lie and say that it gets Better with time or age
But keep your perspective in line, always
And never, never, ever stop trying new things

On the straight and narrow,
Keep walking on
And don’t turn aside for too long

For an eternal Treasure-
One you’ll always keep
Never did come to anyone
Cheap

Dry

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Lying somber and still in the heart of the meadow
Beholding the sun’s next rise
Painting of crimson and lavishing yellow
The sole reflection of those past times

And I’m tracing down the veins of yesterday
New- yet so old, broken, and grey
One by one, fading away
Far too faint to perceive on this day

Light signs of life
Dried up with the tides
Be there one frayed cord remaining inside
After all of these forsaken tries?

Black Sheets

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This night I find that no words at all may convey This final depth of suffering                                         Of Agony’s blackest haunting place

And I have lain in many a low place in the times before                              Yet had paused lest to descend so deeply enshadowed as this

Death is beckoning, tempting, depriving me his final kiss

Looking to be as such bliss

Give me this- set me free, my torments dismissed

Yet every time you have come around                                                 As I’ve felt your weight begin to press down                                         I’m known to back out                                                               Begging for the air to torture my burning lungs again                               Turning from the little light at tunnel’s end

For fear of the pain

End of the game

And ultimately

Of a judgement afraid

But as it sinks deeper and asserts it’s permanence within                           As the blade that’s become lodged between my ribs

Another inch…. Another inch…

As I wait for that single punctures pinch

But am only ever left to marvel how heart still persists!

How…

How do you carry on still                                                           How can you continue, when I have lost all will?           
You leave me no options, no choice

As you continue to scream, long after I have lost my own voice

Heart: Please let me know how to descend                                                                                      Death: At long last, let me go- bring me my end

To take no more

No longer make me endure

I’ve laid out my black sheets and on them I lie here waiting                                                                                                            Not to see another morning

But on this night

Come and take me.

Conflicting Accounts

I ask God, “teach me who You really are,”
But who is truly the one sending these potentially deluded people so far
As to claim to know the answers for sure?
Saying one thing, doing another-
Not even repentant for discouraging others

But then with a useless pat on the back,
Turning face and saying,
“It’ll be okay, regardless where you end up at.

The universe is out to crush you after all
But stop resisting- don’t fret
for God is in control of this all.”
But if it’s not really even my choice
Why should I be held accountable?

We can speak of what we feel,
But please stop pretending
To know what’s going to be and what’s real.
It’s far too convenient to speak idly
Of a situation not even involving me.
So why not spit out some rash hope and then be contradictory?

You tell me a father doesn’t give his child a snake-
But God is still up there,
Searching and seeking whom he can break!

Call me a heretic,
Or say that I ought to feel convicted-

But how can you wish me well,
Say God is more loving than yourself,
But working to bring a cleansing purgatory like hell?

How can it be both?

Please stop pretending to know.
I don’t want to know.
All your speculations do is cause to solidify and grow
The little I’ve deluded myself to even “know.”

Still Small Voice

stillsmallvoice

I’ll never give up on you
Even if you want to
Even if you end up not healing from your wounds
And long after your battered visod starts to wear through
I won’t give up on you
Even if you want me to                                                                                                                                                              Push away all that you shall
Its simply not something that I can do
For they say that love covers over a multitude of wounds

I cannot give up on you
Because from the start I called and knit you together in the womb
I saw you, I knew you
Before you knew me
And I wish I could comfort you and help you to see
That I haven’t given up on you like you think that I have
If you could just believe
That I’m with you, exactly where you are at
I will not give up on you
I will not forsake
But oftentimes, my child,
You just have to wait.
And this wait is often much longer than you can bear,
But I have and I swear
That of your tears, I’m aware

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The ravens have been gathering and dissipating
In the contrary direction of which they’ve always taken

The rooster has been calling out tirelessly in the night
The bats will not relinquish their own torrential plight

The hummingbirds have joined thusly in with their delusion
And the song birds are singing in the dark, within the same confusion

The eagles are sitting in the sky
In the very the dead of night
And screaming out the most disconcerting, unnatural of sighs

But most peculiar and unnerving of them all
Is how the owl has suddenly altered it’s ever steady call-
Being seen in the middle of the day
Conveying vague riddles, which remain that way

Perchance something of this November light
Simply is not sitting quite right
For what would account such unnatural behavior
Save for a recountance which just isn’t clear

And today my owl is not so wise at all
As I once had thought
It’s mournful, chilling gaze descending
Now upon me, all for naught

Or perhaps it’s simply the one from the bad German fairytales
Here to tear out the eyes
Of a wandering, foolish girl

Lost in the forest, for the very first and last time-
“You ought not to have followed as all the others who will have gone behind,”
It said, haunting and sorrowful
But it’s gaze no longer holding the same compelling pull

And in this very dead lock stare
A tiny little bird flew up and rested near
And relayed the first song
In a time much too long                                            To make any sense
Striving to speaking the unknown
Of divine providence