December 21st

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I’m sitting here in the rain with my little black bird friend, contemplating accepting the recent challenge to take another blind, uncomfortable stab at writing in a fashion beside the usual analogous poetry…
Typically, I’ve committed to such form of expression primarily to give the reader the ability to interpret it to be whatever is most significant to their own current circumstances. The second relevant reason, of the many, pertains to exactly what both prevents, yet brings me to be sitting here in the first place.
As a walked into the room, I saw a commercial on the television comprised of asking various individuals what they wanted to do with their future. Putting myself in various uncomfortable social situations, this question keeps popping up for myself of late, and so consequently this commercial evoked within me what it usually would- I laughed, and then I cried. Much to my surprise, the commercial then took a turn to include answers from the vantage point of individuals who suffer with various invisible illnesses, of whom said the same thing I hesitate to. It was a commercial for a site called Ok2talk.org of which is dedicated to being a safe place to share and gain anonymous support from others in similar situations. I would encourage anyone to check it out. Reading the words of just a few (I swear I just have something in my eye), their words resonated so hauntingly familiar- with the  words I reserve for myself alone. Sure, I know there are a lot of people out there who do understand and are also living in the midst of an invisible illness, but most don’t meet- for the obvious reasons.
In attempt to answer such a normal question about my future, I’ll tell any truth that can ease or evade being a “downer” to most, I’ll say that I’m fine (because in a global sense, I really am great) or “haven’t figured it out yet.” But if I answer from a personal level, I would say what they did- that I’m just trying to get through today! How the fuck would I be able to think, know, or even care about what I’ll do with the future?! I mean, I’m not the only surprised that I’m even still here. Yet for many, this statement lands a tad bit confusing or is interpreted as laziness or a lack of ambition. This is why it’s not talked about in the equal degree of its reality in countless lives. This is why there has in the past few years been the larger movement to remove the taboo from the stigmatized “mental illness.” This is why, most of the time, I myself avoid even trying to explain or describe “what it feels like.” It rarely bridges any gap and has often opened the door for judgement and abandonment- typically already a pervasive theme for hurting people.
Losing people because of the manifestation of my depression was such a deep-seated fear (and reality) of mine for the longest time, and still comes up from time to time. But I’ve been realizing that in trying to put myself out there despite all that’s unsaid, I’ve been able to meet- to my utter disbelief- a few people who reflect the love, patience, and character that I had become so sure had become lost within myself and in the world. As for the many “otherwise” situations-
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Proverbs 17:17
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”

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