Sitting on the ground, gaze fixed down at the concrete. Hands tracing patterns in the water droplets. Focusing on nothing- but the thoughts only grew increasingly vivid and intrusive- so I let them and finally heard a single facet of why so many (much including myself) struggle with an inescapable, gnawing sense of loneliness inside, despite all company- friend, family, lover.
Connections are typically formed by the ability of our speech and actions- though particularly conversation- But the mind doesn’t necessarily think in words- or at least not that I’ve known or observed. If the mind doesn’t think or feel in definitively recordable language, then we are restricted to attuning only to that which we can concertedly formulate- of which for me personally, ends up feeling like a bucket of water from a lake, or trying to describe that awestruck feeling of smallness and wonder when you see something too beautiful for words. Or akin to attempting to write down that feeling you get when you connect with something higher than our finite self.
The mind and spirit instantly see and feel what the intellect has to scramble to piece together. Perhaps this is why I find such a disconnect between emotion, words, mind, and intentions- and I end up feeling either cruel, misrepresented, or a half-wit. Ultimately resulting in an “I couldn’t explain why, so I just told the problem to fuck it/themselves,” whilst feeling like I’m drowning in a colorful cacophony of thought and memory. Perhaps this is why music is so pivotal to our existence, and there are countless musicians, writers, artists- tirelessly seeking to speak in the other languages, to convey the unspeakable, to finally fill in parts of the missing spaces in our connections with others.
Yet in this sometimes torturous disconnect, the human mind is truly incredible- thoughts, images, and feelings flying in every direction, faster than a blink of an eye- most of which so imperceptibly swift that only the subconscious even sees them- but still consequently affecting the physical and the conscious. I once had a teacher who always quoted Carl Jung, ” Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”- Of which it took me quite a while to really begin to understand.
I then realized that I had applied this l concept to not only my relationship with others, but towards God. I am confident that God knows all the inner workings of my heart, soul, and mind- after all, He did create it. He knows why I do or say as I do or don’t, as well as my deepest fears, insecurities, desires, and the reasons behind my reactions. It was when I lived in this truth, believing it with all of my being- it was then that I was never lonely. God is spirit, and spirit can not efficiently be communicated with within the limits of my articulation- the very fear that has kept me from remaining fully engaged in communion with Him. I can speak in spirit and not in word- in “utterance which words cannot express.”
Perhaps my tears say infinitely more than my words ever will, and my silence can connect on a level deep enough for my satisfaction. Rather than feeling frustrated at my lack of intelligible sentences, I should instead be revealing my soul and pouring out my spirit- for only by spirit can we worship or be reconciled to God, or perhaps anyone else.