I’m so fucking angry today but either can’t sit still because I’m so anxious, or I want to curl up into a ball and pretend to be invisible. I’m going crazy from being so sedentary and having to eat whatever is designated regardless, when I’m already crawling in my skin. I was able to go for a short relaxed walk yesterday, which was much welcomed, and the nurse took us down to the gas station to buy cigarettes- our now most anticipated pastime. I truly love the irony of that statement- But my energy just as quickly accumulates and it feels like I’m soon back to extremely agitated, and depressed. Even for me, my level of irritability feels intense. This is my issue, but I don’t want to be a noncompliant, indecisive client for these nice people.
I can’t deal with this, but I don’t really have any options that are logical.
Yes, I’m whining.
I know I need to figure out what it is I want and speak up, but I’m just so fucking emotional, mixed up, and overwhelmed. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time articulating my needs and thoughts.
I honestly have never wanted mass amounts of caffeine and a skipped meal so fucking badly, despite that I’ve never been one to skip a meal in my life. Stress is still preventing me from being able to articulate the way I would like, or need to. Or it could just be me being afraid to talk about what’s really going on in my head, as God knows there’s always plenty. But I still have long struggled with feeling like I’m being evaluated under a biased psychological diagnostic criteria anyways.
The past few days have been fucking rough- given, I think most days have been, but that doesn’t seem to make it any easier. I actually have gone on most of the outings, but for a good number was holding back tears and a string of bitter, angry, sarcastic comments. My challenge for the day was for “Sunshine (my appropriately assigned nickname)” to be more positive. So, despite my murderous expression and desire to chuck the lamp stand across the room, I tried to check in as “positive and optimistic.” Can’t you tell? I’m not sure that they were buying it either.
The Director is my therapist – evidently upon meeting, she didn’t think that an intern would handle me? She’s kinda trippy. Even if I’m extremely pissed off and upset, I can’t help but feel slightly amused at the constant suspicious look in her eyes and expression on her face. But I can’t help but like her for her no bullshit approach and for usually catching right onto my schemes. I find it hilarious that- given the current lively bunch currently residing here- the program guidelines were today updated and extended from 2 pages to 7. Though I won’t flatter ourselves with the credit.
I’m not into most of the activities that we do here, but had contemplated suggesting a nice, non- exerting walk at Wildwood for some group by the waterfall. However, it would most likely be highly suspect if I were to suggest even doing anything. But it’s true- I have been itching to jump off that waterfall again. Apparently at this point, anyone who did would carry a permanent luminescence.
We went to an AA meeting last night, which I had been wanting to do in the past, so I minded less than the other activities planned. I previously had looked into implementing the 12 Steps in my life and definitely see how universally applicable they are to any other kinds of addictions-
and we’re all addicts here.
There were a couple peculiarly familiar looking faces there- of which I’m not sure why, as I’d never met them before. It was interesting to look around at each of their eyes and see the different reasons why they were there. I wondered if they could see my reasons.
On the most amusing note, I got chased out of the back patio around to the front door of the house by a big ass raccoon. It just randomly dropped from a tree in front of me out of nowhere- and I decided not to hang around to see if it was friendly. When staff opened the front door for me, I received an unsurpassably annoyed and disapproving glare, as though surprised I could get to the front yard, or didn’t believe me and thought it was some impulsive scheme. Upon verification that I wasn’t quite so creative, I had the pleasure of taking my smoke break in the dark of the front court, underneath the moon, stars, and two great old oak trees- And mushrooms, like damn are these mushrooms huge.
I thought it would be fun to build a little five pointed shrine out on the lower ground with lava rocks I had found. I set it out, marked everything in dark red marker, and piled the mushrooms in the middle. I’m not sure what was thought of it, but I had some fun at least. I’m really starting to notice this wierd- ass mushroom theme in my life as of late…
On a serious, personal note- I’ve been here for 11 days and it still is a continually overwhelming battle to stay. Hour by hour, my anxiety still won’t shut the fuck up. But every once in a while, I just have to laugh at it all-
because I’m so fucking terrified and ready to admit that maybe I’m not ready.
But the tiniest, still small voice in the back of my mind keeps reminding me of how all the signs and synchronicities led me here, and continue to pop up everywhere. I just don’t know why, and the answer whispered back is still only a