12.6 Free Write- Just a Little Bit of Dust

I wish that things were not this way and am truly sorry for whatever role I played in my own demise..

I wish I had more to give to anyone   Than just shattered little fragments Of the pieces left behind; pieces that don’t even accurately reflect me anymore…

I look and see only bits of glass dust scattered across the floor;    Too infinitesimal to ever place back together in anything like their original order.

I can say that I tried well over a thousand-and-one times             But I can’t ever show any proof     Of the current state of my mind.

I feel that all anyone can see are the old reflections- which no longer even stare back at me…  Hoping-that ideally, there’s more to me than just what I say-  Because these words were never good for anything but failing me miserably.

I don’t lie, but I don’t often try either anymore, to reach out to anyone; because I can never be there anymore.                   Committed to only the winds  Understood solely by the dead       Of which whom can keep company with-  but by that which was merely written?

But these words are not my friends A song can neither say It,   for all the many progressions- all empty at the end…

And within…

And full of the same lying implication- That my heart is awake enough to feel for more than sacred moments fleeting and then dark again…

Growing even father in between…

Sometimes I wish I had a whole heart- One with enough life and desire to get up and actually start Something new despite the grievous burden which is never really through.

But all that’s true is that I am a voice shaken upon the winds    Here for the time of a second,     And then gone for many long moments.

I wish I could give more than just glass dust:  Useless particulate that’s even mixed with rust..   Indecipherable which belongs to me anymore-                                      Or if there’s even any real heart left in this mess on the floor.

I wish so very much that things were not this way                             But It’s so hard for me to explain, using only these words I hate.     But I just can’t scream loud enough to ever really say        What’s really within me- cuz that would scare anyone away;

That I wanted to trust…

That I wanted to try and give

Just A little bit of my dust.

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