2.25 Free Write

I’m running out of words when they all seem so the same

I’m running from the world when

I’ve lost my inspiration

Along with vain production of a changing motivation

I’ve been to both the high and the lowest places ,For which all I can say is

everything is cyclical

The cycle inescapable

They say the secret is simply not to think at all

So you’re not made aware

Of the gaping space in your soul

Everybody’s getting fucked over

The Good,the Bad, or another just No one

There are no answers for any of the above

I’ve searched and I’ve scoured 

Tireless through the seemingly countless hours

But the sand falls, always just

And ever amounts to nothing but

Waiting

And wasting

Waiting

And fabricating

Just to have something to sate through to the next day

And all this complaining for a place so brief and overrated

I know we’re just waiting

Wasting, Lying, blinding, creating

Reaching in vain

For that one someone something 

That’s never but so soon

But I’m old enough to know the truth

That everything’s empty by tomorrow

But there’s nothing else to do.

2.15

Power, money, sex

It all comes down to it

Or so they say every time

Though observation can’t deny

That when the pressure’s set

People are easy to predict

Hold your hand to the flame

To reveal your true face

When it’s taken away

Do you run do you chase

Just when you think you know someone

Stop before reaction

When they don’t get what they want

Watch and see their actions

When the gain dwindles away

And the highs run dry

They always told me

But motivations never lie

And Intentions never die

So they say

Most everything’s for one or more of these three

But all I really want anymore is some peace.

2.14 Close Enough


We live and die in a solitary, empty meaning

I never could get close enough to anyone to change that feeling

Because it’s out of reach and oh so vague

But I can’t find the right words to say

Not when I always lose at least half of my soul 

I can’t be your muse for more than a day or so

It never makes anything feel right or whole

With pieces that never did quite fall into place after all

Never again- not after that last day

That I remember so vividly

When everything started spiraling descending, and irreparably crashing

Burning down into my present pretense built from the ashes

So hold your breath in

And let the countdown begin

When everything becomes nothing again 

but cavernous hearts and empty hands in the end

Because it means nothing

This means nothing

But there was always something Missing, nagging, tormenting me

That I could never seem to find any peace

I could never lie still anyway

But I’m lying all the time in other subtler ways

I’ve lived and died that thousand times in a struggle so futile

So I guess there’s no need really to try to be so careful

I’d give my very bones to fix this for anyone worth holding

But there’s no close enough to warm this kind of cold

I swear I don’t plan it in advance

But I think I’m gonna waste the very last chance

Give you my time

Try not to show it in my eyes

Get your hopes high

Then watch them all crumble and die

Because I don’t know about tomorrow 

But I’m terrified though

I don’t know if I’ll disappear again or just go

Cuz I don’t want to chase love anymore

I just want to find some one place that’s warm

For all there is anyhow- 

Now.

2.13


I don’t know what to say

I can’t think straight

When I can’t escape the pain

I medicate in vain

And fall away

to do it all the same 

the very next day

 

I’ve lost my mind

For the thousandth time

Waiting for something

Waiting for nothing

There’s only enough air for now

There’s no later, there’s no tomorrow

There’s only the next hit to delay the sorrow

And its killing me in a way far too slow..
But swear on a dying heart

And skin scarred

I still try too goddamn hard

For nothing to show but being back where I started
Trying to walk straight

But can’t stop the shakes

you can’t sedate the ache

So we medicate in vain

And suffocate

so we can do it all the same

The very next day
It’s blurring emotion

Going in slow motion

It’s become lost and all mixed up in

This sickness

Everything’s become so twisted

And nothing’s right
Missing the will to fight

For the thousandth time

Waiting for something

Waiting for nothing

There’s only enough strength for now

There’s no later, there’s no tomorrow

There’s only the next hit to delay the delusion

And its killing us in a way far too diluted… 
Don’t know how to eat

barely seem to sleep or talk

But just sleepwalk is all I do now

When the flame has gone out 

There’s only enough to get though the day

Overdrawing again each time from empty cisterns and deepened spaces

Always staring back at night

Where nothing feels right
But swear on a dying heart

And skin scarred

We all tried 

We all still try so goddamn hard

For nothing to show but being back where we started.

2.10 

I’m finally growing tired of writing expired sentence

I’ve recited some of what’s transpired but really nothing of any consequence

In the end

I know what to say

But it makes no difference anyway

It doesn’t matter what happens anymore here

When it all now seems so horribly goddamn clear

I’m no longer one of any nobility

In a soul so sickened with a cyclical futility

I’m tired of my own bitching and whining of injustice by expression

It’s not that I was expecting anything less than this

When this world’s just a bitch
and then you die of it

So here’s to all of this useless shit

I really could use a permanent break from it.

2.2 Free Write


I understand if you want time away
But wouldn’t say you overstayed
Don’t know how deeply it can be true- and I may even do it too
But sometimes I tire of people always just passing through                                                          Out there Somewhere’s not around though                                                                                           A Long Time’s not just Once in a While or so
Not when I so very rarely even find Anything
there but it was- it is-
I actually really cared.

I try not to say anything I don’t mean                                                                                            Sometimes maybe even too carefully
I try not to waste words, much less to ever hurt                                                                                But maybe I should’ve told you before                                                                                                How much you meant to me even more
I mean not to beg or petition a made up mind                                                                                    But I put my two cents in for some peace of mine                                                                                 I didn’t really want you to make your decision to leave                                                                 Even if it doesn’t always make sense to sound reasoning                                                                Even if we do and see things differently or agree to disagree

you give me no other options
But to scrawl in vain my scattered thoughts on it                                                                                   But I can be selfish and things are never what they seem
Surrounded by faces in this lonely sea                                                                                                    No, it’s never what it seems.
And I don’t know if you really see
How lonely the crowd can be
For so many reasons
I don’t know if you really know
How you helped me to feel a little bit less so

Even when I still always will come and go                                                                                                 I really do feel like a stone
Stubborn, heavy, and unknown
Choking back secrets no one else knows
Surrounded but alone
Bound by the reasons I don’t even know

I’ve long been a listener
And some do for me too
But who hears my reflections
for whom I actually sense some kind of connection?
Or perhaps it’s just projected
When I don’t know what’s real                                                                                                               when it’s all so wrapped up in subjective feelings
But I don’t give up as often as get held up a lot here and there
But If it’s that I’m a downer, I can handle hearing it I swear

You say it’s better this way, and though I don’t know the future
I have to say that it’s not doing me any favors

But I still always wonder all of these things                                                                                        Like do you know I’ll still miss and care anyways?                                                                                                                                                          Even if I can’t explain it
Maybe I’m not always cold
When I can feel, as soon as I manage to take a hold
Of my next breath of air
It’s still always there

So though I hope it’s just another time                                                                                                    Do what you need and if this is goodbye, I’ll be Fine again as always
But needed to say
What I’ve said today
Even though you tried to run away

And though you’ll still be in my heart and in my head                                                                         I hope that in some way we will meet again.

~ The Calling Crow

2.1


Never understood it

it really makes no sense

Never missed its passing

When it all happens of no consequence

It’s not sweet, nor bitter- only more tiresome for a weary soul

While some need, some deter- 

But we most all sing a similar, familiar dirge

I’ve tried them all before, but never saw the appeal

To strive on moving forward, never stopping to feel

Clearly, The day is cloudless

But heavy, the sky overcast

In the midst of grey bipolar weather

There are so many rooms, but so little care left

It’s perpetual, chemical

An elaborately structured defensive shell

But I still know that in the end 

My mind is my greatest hell

You need not try so hard to see past it

As I no longer really miss the sun

Or perhaps just don’t believe

But I’m not asking for help from anyone

So don’t feel sorry

But at least finally see

At least this one relevant thing

That the air is poison, I have gone wrong

And I am not the right one

Don’t waste your good intentions

Or time with me

For to you I can never give or be

Anything reciprocally.