The Losing Faith

How did you expect I would reply?
Did you think I’d happily, docilely comply? 

What did you expect me to do

When you already perfectly knew?
Because you know me completely
How my skin crawls at night

The one and only who sees me

all of the time

In between those dead days and black nights now

Do you hold it against me 

But tell me it’ll work out?
You know it will never- I will never change, 

But you still hunt me to look inside my frame

Sifting my one deepest fault through

That I always tried to hide from you

Because being human was no excuse
What did you expect me to do?

For even my very tongue is split in two

I couldn’t achieve 

being quite so masochistic

Thanks but what is forgiveness

If it’ll never fix it?

What is “good” anyway

But just another terror that is evaded?
All this rumor of air

Doesn’t fill my lungs

All this talk of care

Doesn’t kill my hunger
There’s no settling this and you know it as well as I 

I don’t trust you, it’s no secret

But against you, I can’t fight

You win every time- 

a thousand to one

It was a day of silence when you said I was done

And now there’s nothing you permit me but to think upon what I’ve become
You always break me open slow

bone by single bone

You broke me down again

Because I was human
You sent all the warnings

That it was time to lament the end

You sent me doves for mourning

But what good is it to me 

When morning again ascends?
For even the cruelest bird of prey 

Eventually returns to its mate

But seasons don’t change

For a solitary heart in chains 

Not in innocence, but pain

You know my ways alone

Cursed and carved in stone
So just have your way

As if there were anything else that I could say

But if you expect me to be able to go along

Hopeful and holding onto a happy song

I’m so very sorry that I’ll do it all wrong

And feel like the most tired, hungry, unruly of the dogs

Because that’s all that I feel I am now 

After so long.

3. 22 Free Write

Little girl with the weight and Darkness of this world whole

You don’t fool me, for I too 

Know so well

Who can hold this for a moment aware?

Only a moment I wish I could share

And everyone’s trying to give away pain

As though it were not theirs to bear

That’s not what I’m asking for

Because I’m not a child anymore

Little boy with the weight and Darkness of this world whole

I don’t fool you do I? For surely you too know

Who can hold this for just a moment, aware?

It’s only a moment you wish you could share

And everyone’s trying to get something

But I don’t blame them for it

I can handle

I am aware

That it’s only for a moment we wish we could share. 

****

I shouldn’t be sleeping because they are too

I shouldn’t be escaping because they try too

think we can get away

But we live inside with them 

Inundated with voices that start to sound like our own

I can’t tell the difference
But I raise my cry to God on High above me

Against the vile acts that I hear the whispers promise 

Mankind has not Seen. 

But I think he mistook me for one of them

Maybe I was all along

Because my words are garbled and my voice fading away 

My body trembles and disintegrates

To just a single cord of red

And I am alone 

In the oppressive depths 

of hell again
A shrill cry pierces the sweltering darkness 

with a single red light in the distrance

Reach for it but it will never save you

There’s nothing else because god doesn’t hear you

The heat is too heavy

The burden on your chest

The weight about my neck

It never goes away 

Not for a second

But Take for it again

Does your god sympathize with you now?
I should be trying because they do too

It’s like they know

That their time is growing thin

They can’t tear it away

We can’t escape this time
I raise my cry to God on High above me

Against the vile acts that I hear the whispers promise 

Mankind has not Heard. 

But I think he mistook me for one of them

Maybe I was all along

Because my words are distorted and my voice fades 

My body trembles and disintegrates away

To just a single cord of red

And then we are alone

But each to our own death
You should know of all people 

That this is a war 

With a leaden price to pay for your soul

Have you forgotten how to wage

When you were denied control

But the controls are now all too dulled

It never goes away

Once I lost my hold

Amidst it’s torments
I raised my cry to God on High above again

But I think He’s condemned me

As one of them. 

You think you’ve tasted torment and sorrow-

But Mankind has not Known. 

Not yet.  

It’s burning my skin
I try to cover my eyes again. 

3. 16 free write- A Thousand Apologies

I’m staring at this blank screen, out of habit, feeling a surprising  amount of guilt about no longer desiring to say another word. But the repetitious words seem to then only rot and make me feel even more sick in the very marrow of my porous bones. I feel that everything has already been said- at least in a type of symbolic semblance- and I’m left unreasonably ashamed with my ability to find what is maddeningly begging to be said, without evoking violent condemnation from myself and projectedly everyone else.
Like this white screen, I recognize that in some ways a blank slate is given to each of us everyday; that life could potentially become something of meaning or feeling if I could only learn to abandon cognizance of my chaotic thoughts and emotions to somewhere else far away. I know that they’re correct in the suggested notion of acceptance and/or detachment in order to move on- but from my vantage, only in the sense of being helpfully applicable advice on sterile paper. I really don’t know how people do it. Yet It honestly disgusts me in my seeming inability to make the advice that has supposedly helped so many others, help me too. Either I’m doing it wrong or it’s just a bunch of bullshit that goes right along with the hope were supposed to cling to in order to stay emotionally afloat another day while waiting for its endless lack of fruition; so the natural progression is then reportedly to change the definition of hope to settling in order to make the disappointment more palatable and explainable. I ask them and they tell me it truly helps, but only makes me feel even more apathetic and farther away from the truth that I know I need to reconcile before I can take a single step anywhere but backwards.

I always wonder if the gnawing never goes away for them either, and they’re just lying because the inescapable truth is intolerable. It’s hard not to look at when it’s so continually tireless in its all-consuming presence. Maybe I’m just stubborn as fuck or I’m a small person who can’t properly digest the burdens that I hate the most. God knows I’m terrified of the people who can see that within me. But if questioned, would have to confess it all with no defense.

But ultimately at this point, if I were to summarize everything I could ever have to say, every silent prayer, or all that I now feel, it would be with the simple words:

I’m sorry.

I truly am, with a thousand apologies and no one is more disappointed than I am every time.
I’m sorry that 1+1 keeps adding up to zero.

I’m sorry that nothing is simple anymore and the things that could be, were too late.

I’m sorry that I didn’t want their company                                              Or that the things that are so easy and instinctual to most everyone seem insurmountable to me nearly every time.

I’m sorry that my actions say one thing and my heart another.

I’m sorry that they believed it.

I’m sorry that I can only acknowledge but not know your pain, I wanted to.                                   I know how it feels, But only see when I’m too busy with my own.

I’m sorry for the times I was selfish; it wasn’t for desire, it was fear.

I’m sorry for destroying my life and myself, but still believing it was written in stone, and the only way. Or that it still is.

I could write a thousand apologies after more than a decade of decomposition, but know that they all offer still no change.

I’m losing my voice and have long lost my will, but I would never warn anyone about the ending because I don’t need saving. I think all I need, want, and am not sorry for is the one last thing I’ll do to try and feel better – or at least differently- for even just a moment.

3.8 Free Write

You say that you’ve gone

But I know that you’re not

Sometimes I can tell

Because luckily you don’t hide it very well

honestly I do prefer the latter

Though I’m not sure if that even matters
Tell me what you want

I hope you would know

That I haven’t forgotten

I think you well know

we both still check in 

Often just to say hello
Are you wary to let anyone in

In any way?

It’s a decision that we all have to make

So I do understand because my mind functions the same way

Though I’m not so confident what it is you would have me say

But It’s not my place
I’m just waiting

It’s your choice to make
I still wonder and care

Even sometimes too still there

It was said once

That you can’t always run 

from everyone

And I would Know well 

Because I do that myself
Sometimes I’m arrogant enough to believe

That I know some of what you’re thinking

And perhaps that’s exactly why

I’ll go as far as to say

That I need you in one or another way

Whether it’s reality or idealization

I’m not sure which is more relevant anymore
I’m probably not what you think I am either
Maybe I’m crazy

Or perhaps I’m not

I’m always open to quite any option

But what I’m trying to convey

Is that I have not forgotten. 

I think you already know

burnt out and used up

It doesn’t mean or feel the way it did once

But then again 

nothing does
Always hungry for something more

never aware of what I’m looking for

It could always be worse 

doesn’t equate being worth it
 I often have the thought

That Maybe… 

Never mind

I don’t want to say
How does one cultivate an appetite

For all the same old mundane

The status quo that one must maintain

I’m always hungry for something else

But never know for what it’s about
The things they say that satisfy

Look to me to be so tame and dry

I never was great with the prayer of Serenity

When settling for just okay feels like the enemy
But I think of all the years wasted

Trying to get to that okay

How can I feel differently

About Something today
I think you know

I think you’ve seen

I think that so many people feel

The same as me

I know how the stories go

But we don’t live in a world so forgiveable

There’s nothing left unsaid so

I think you already know
I think you already know

We’ll always feel alone

I think I already know

I’ll always be alone
I always have the oppressive thought

That maybe

Never mind

I don’t want to say
I think you already know

I think you’ve already seen

I think that so many people feel

The same as me

I know how the story was supposed to go

But we live in a world much more cold

There’s Nothing left unsaid so

I think you already Know.