6.29

ribs

I’ve got so much beneath my skin
I wouldn’t know where to begin                                                                                                          I don’t know how to win in this war with far too much emotion
So I try to make you believe me for just another heartless motion

The weakest part of me now
Always seems to bleed out
Though I try so hard to hide my heart
of scars
and where they begin                                                                                                                            
when I feel so goddamn pathetic again

It’s like I’m always trying to make you understand
But no matter what I say, it won’t come out how I had planned
If I could hold my heart in my hands
I’d give it to you just to make amends
But I feel that I’m the only fool again                                                                                                                                                     and everyone is just looking in

I know that I am often wrong
and always singing a different kind of song
maybe I’m not the worst there is
maybe my decisions will never quite fit
seems that the right things never feel like it
But I never figure it out

The weakest parts of me
Always seem to bleed in-between                                                                                                    the lines I try to hide behind
I don’t know If I’ll ever get it right
If feelings won’t always drown me inside
I can’t be a prisoner of my own mind                                                                                          But how can I control what holds and makes me cry

It’s like I’m always trying to make someone understand
But no matter what I say, neither of us gets it
If I could hold my heart in my hands
I’d give it to anyone, just to make sense
But I feel that I’m the only fool again
And everyone is just looking in

The truth is everything kills me                                                                                                      I’m not as strong as I used to be                                                                                                     The truth is often hardest to believe                                                                                               But I only know what I have seen                                                                                                The truth is that I’m terrified                                                                                                               My right’s wrong or your wrong’s right                                                                                          The truth is I’m too weary to be                                                                                                   And every little thing seems to kill me.

 

 

 

6.28 Free Write

Do you ignore my tireless cry

Or do you simply choose to stand on by

I know I’ll be fine

if okay is just not dying

But I wanted more

I needed more

I sacrificed everything I held in my hands

With Nothing left to lean upon to Rest ever again 

Wandering a dry desert place 

Hopeless in knowing this

To have every thing is still made as nothing

And all that nothingness is everything there is left

Or ever was

When everything has been done

And nothing remains to try

But to recant and relive of the same weary striving 

Do you ignore my many tears

Why do you bother dragging me through all these rendered useless years

Couldn’t you have chosen another

Of greater subservience and honor

There’s too long a road still ahead

Of empty, tortuous, nothingness 

It’s too much pain to stay awake

I’m sleeping my life away

But I’ll be back again for the thousandth time at dawn

To ask you the very the same question

Why bother, why hope

When this is all I have come to know

Are you trying to break me down

Expose the truth I always push down

Hide it from everyone

One word and I’m broken wide open

Why do the signs all say the same things

You of all know of my chains

Do you mean to taunt me

For what I’ll never have, feel, be?

This same melody has resonated

Haunted me for the decades

Lying in the dark

To listen and pour out my heart

Was it all constructed like this

For reason, with a purpose?

Because I’m just bitter and wish I could take it all back

Every dream, every breath, every step

It’s screamed at me since it began as night 

That the answer for me lies in plain sight

Right in front of me

But I’m too blind to see

too weak to reach

I don’t want those things anymore

I don’t want anything at all

It’s too late for you to try now to answer my prayers

I can’t feel anything 

Does it matter if you care

The thousand times you’ve tracked me down

Sought to bring me home from underground

There’s no point now

I can’t do both

I can’t let it go

Because it’s one with my skin

There’s no getting out 

And no getting in

I didn’t want to be like this

But at a certain point it was allowed

A fatal disease to riddle me throughout

Killing me slowly, burning from the inside out

No these signs don’t change Anything 

They just make me so very sorry

For what can they mean

When You know I can’t do these things

Help me understand

I don’t think I can

Why do you remind me

For what can light have to do with misery?

You bring it back to a person who’s lost

I thought we’d all forgotten

She’s gone

And so is her hope and soul

I think You meant the message for someone nearer to being whole

Not me-

who else you could be speaking to

I don’t know

When I’ve lived and grown up alone

Send the angel with a miracle

Or end a breath that’s miserable

For You should know

That I could never do both.

6.19 free write

I once was a daughter

of many things

I once was a lover

In many ways

I once was a fighter 

For many a cause

I once was a writer

To try and hold on

I once sang a song

Now lost from my tongue

I once could imagine not

What it was like to look back

And wish I had never gotten so far

They all “understand” to save me from arrogance 

But none in the heart  

I once could take part

And speak in their tongues well fed

Of love, lust, and ignorance

Am I supposed to need? 

It’s a debt I will never meet

I once was a member of the waking world racing ahead

Now I whisper in hushed whispers, speaking from the dead

Read me all the rules again

Are there really no solutions

Though I’ve been here a thousand tormented nights

I’ll trade my skin in to make it the last time

I now am a beggar

I now am a fool

Trading in legacy

For a depraved soul.

6.8 free write

I don’t know what to do

I feel that theres no future

So I’ll tell it all to you

Cuz I’ve got nothing left to lose 

Anymore
Hidden and kept secret

In the light of day

You can see it in my face 

But I can only show you pain

Anymore
I’ve got a tension

Like nothing you’ve ever seen

I don’t want attention

But I’m tearing at the seams
I don’t know what to do

Its too bright and too loud to hear you

I feel I’ve lost my mind tonight

hungry and unsatisfied

All I want is dead and gone

Won’t you please take me far away from

This world
An optimistically deadly mix

Of too many pills and cigarettes

If it helps or kills

I tend to forget

Cuz my names

Gotten so far away

I can remember

Nothing but the pain

Anymore
Lying in the street tonight

Counting all the dying lights

And the mistakes they eat me alive

Day and night, I can’t fight 

anymore
I don’t know what to do

Its too dark too silent to hear you

I feel I’ve lost my mind tonight

hungry and unsatisfied

All I want is dead and gone

Won’t you please take me far away from

This world?

5.31

Every night I feel that I 

Could lay it all down on the line

why do I hold my tongue so tight

When it always could be the last night

To feel, to be, to breathe, to need

Wasting any potential memory

The past is dead

But only it seems to ever live again 

Only as the parts best forgotten
I thought you were fine

I guess they were all wrong

I thought it was alright

But you’ll sing one final song
Garden variety

we stitch it on our sleeves

We hear it all the time

And it puts everyone at ease
I’ve already burned too much time

Trying to scrub it from my skin

It can’t be lie

If the truth lies within it
I see through the lines

I guess they were all wrong

I thought it wasn’t time

But you’ll sing one final song
Every time could be the last 

Thought that you were fine

But guess they never saw past it.

~~~~

You held up a picture

Right in front of my face

A tiny little child; a sad, helpless babe

With eyes so bright

In this world out of place

A lucidity too hard to erase

Why would you call this one

Out of an empty space?

One to understand

Far too young

To move and manipulate man

Just to get out from

Dependency- a fundamental of infancy

It was never with intent

But you never told me if it was all planned

There are billions 

Couldn’t I have been left as the silent one?