P.11 the Red Letters

It was another acquaintance from the internet. We had actually met up a couple times and got along fairly well; our conversations were predominantly theological in nature, and he seemed like a simple guy-ultimately, a “good Christian guy” as I had been told countless times I needed in my life. Maybe they were right, but no matter how much we talked or hung out- I couldn’t feel anything for him beyond the affection you would have for a puppy or little brother. I had taken to simply claiming asexuality to save myself the explaining my perpetually disinterested singleness to anyone. Surprisingly, he had never given up anyways; but most peculiar was when he got talking- I don’t think he ever knew how much of what he said was put into his mind for a reason. It was always like God was telling on me to him or something to try to say loud and clear that He got my message, because his words were always verbatim to what I had said in my own heart or closet spaces. I had been isolating for the last year or so and had barely spoken to him either, but sure enough,

“GooooodEveeeeeniiing Beautiful! Your story, no matter how rough and painful it may be, no matter how dark and depressing it may seem, I promise you that one day it will be your testimony.

You will be the light to many people in darkness because of what you went through, I can’t speak as to why God has taken you down such a rough path, that’s between you and him and I’m sure the answer will come soon enough- but I can say it is with what you have learned and experienced that light will soon Save many.

You may think you’re weak but you’re the strongest and most disciplined person I know, a role model in a sense, someone I can look up to and reflect on and my times of need. Someone that always teaches me something new.

I know you haven’t lost Faith and I know you haven’t given up, though your mind and flesh try to tell you that your heart says loud and clear “I still believe, I’m still holding on” that’s the message you speak.

You have a bright light that shines only from you, don’t forget that. Please continue to stay strong and don’t let your flesh convince you to lose hope, your purpose is great and I have no doubt that soon all this stuff that seems bad will begin to fade away and you’ll understand. God has not forgotten nor does he ever forget, if you a human can still love people who’ve wronged you how much more do you think our Creator loves us? He’s here and he’s listening, bear with this pain and make it your own, your story, your testimony because it’s part of you. Let’s look forward to a brighter tomorrow and move on to a better day, let’s smile because I know you have it in you I can see it clearly. Let’s be strong because the good fight isn’t an easy one to win. I’m here for you as well don’t ever forget that though I’m an idiot at times. God loves you and always will. Love is powerful, love is light, love is healing, love is faith, love is strength, love simply is. So love and be loved, be healed, be strong. Do what you know you have to do, it’s there, that feeling I’m sure. Much love. You have my ear and  shoulder.”

I know I should’ve felt a number of things, and maybe I did feel a flash of something good- but it actually set in my veins the fire of the ever-present rage I always hid; what I used to drive myself through another day. I’d been told to wait so many goddamn times, and it sure felt like I had been holding my breath for so long; swimming to the next “marker buoy” in a lifetime of feeling perpetually lost at sea, just to be thrown a fucking bone here and there that always ended up just being a carrot on a string when I got there- like trying keep sand from running out of your hands. I’d been told to “just hold on”, that there was hope for *so* many years; but all that had ultimately happened was the situation grew more dismal and painful with every passing year. And I had already lost the greater part of my youth.

I pitched my phone out over the edge and into the brush far below, loosed the rope from around my neck, and followed suit down into the dirt. I ran back along all of the darkened houses, down the street, and out into the hills on a pitch black, moonless summer’s night.

What was the fucking point?

Of course my life wasn’t the worst it could get- But I had nothing in my life that made me feel anything but the suffering it wasn’t worth enduring for ; and that’s all life was anymore- enduring for nothing; no hope or future. I had lost everything but the monetary support of my parents- and though I was trying to pay back a little with disability money, at my age it was getting embarrassing. I didn’t want to be in this situation at 30, and I had told myself, so sure, that I’d get out of all of this five years ago. But everything had only gotten unimaginably worse since then, and I had practically lost my mind in the process of unintentionally dismantling every facet of the life I once had, and taken for granted.

I couldn’t see anything, but I didn’t need to; I had spent the years aimlessly wandering these mountains. I ran, faster than I ever had in my life, continuing for likely over the next hour, screaming all of these things up at the same tenebrous sky that I wore beneath my skin.

I settled down atop the mountain, in a random concrete storm gutter, took a safety pin from the bottom hem of my pants, and ran it though my eyebrow. I saw a light levitating across the distance, coming toward me. I wiped the blood from my eye to look closer. It was a sphere of light, or maybe a ball of electricity, 2-3 feet across, sparking with a barely perceptible blue tinge. I don’t know what it was, but the moment it reached near enough for me to reach out to try and touch it, it exploded out into a flash of light that lit up the entire sky white. I had seen this before, I  thought, before drifting into a short sleep.

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