6.29 Free write

It doesn’t seem anymore like standing on a precipice wondering what we’re all waiting for

These songs only haunt me, of time ever erased but then it dies in the same place, and we can never go back again

We often think we’ve got nothing but time, that the days will keep coming and then we’ll be fine, but I see it so clear, then it is gone what once was here

No one’s getting younger, no one’s getting out, I keep on pushing under but still it pulls me down, The mind is fixated but I’ve chosen now my fate, for if I go to elsewhere it feels the same way

How do I change the belief when it’s so plain in front of me to the contrary, as though I’m not wired as most everybody is, a certain life a certain purpose but no means to make it worth it

Is all that’s left simply decay, how do we forget that we were made this way, how does one feign contentment with the same old routine, never actually reaching what means anything subjectively

Do we all feel the same as I at the end, or are they simply better at the playing pretend, with the anger of ten men I find my heart in the same state again

The same old whiny fucking story, as though I were the only one who feels that life is cruel, ironic, and boring

There is no suicide, there is no place to hide, go ask the Maker what it’s all about, the answer was always in plain sight, to love another and die to self

So why does it hurt so much more than death, why’s losing everything still not better than to never exist, who’s cut out for it, I shouldn’t raise my voice but I did

I can offer my hand but inside remains unchanged, while I understand that this life is only pain, there’s something violent inside I can’t seem to pacify

Its selfish to end your life they recite, self- centeredness and the question of who am I, relating most to the dead, going through the motions but never seeing what love is

You can’t touch it, you can’t feel it, while indistractable and filled with our secret pain, you could never get close enough to ease or take it away

Everything’s too fucking far away, what do I know, who the fuck are they, talking about love as though it eased the pain, when everything is felt to a degree that’s far too fucking great

Did they pull the trigger because they weren’t equipped, that it doesn’t work like they say and couldn’t deal with this shit, there are no saviors, you have to make yourself it, evidently I’m not strong enough and just waiting for the slip

I can try to get away from here, but no matter where I go I’m tailed by the fear, and the anger has me off a cliff with pedal to the floor and cold clenched fists

And it’s always staring me right back down, when I feel like I’m just going insane and I want an ending now, there’s nowhere to go, nothing more to know, no matter where inside you run, you end up right back where you’d begun

But with more wear and scars, more scared and hard, and we have a choice I know but is it the truth or just what we show, no, I don’t think anyone will ever really know

Who I am. Or all I tried to hide, because I couldn’t bear the truth inside, knowing life was all just a bunch of circles with nothing in the future but lies

Because they were fucking wrong. But let them be right. It doesn’t make a difference whether I choose a side

I can’t set my mind up this way, but I can’t live in a lie and I’ve tried the right way, so calculate your opinions and cast your cliches, but I’m suffocating and have held on for fucking ages

For what? For some relative shit they likely made up? For some foolish purpose for which I don’t give a fuck? Go on and play noble, but I don’t make the cut.

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6.26

I do not feel powerful, I have these words to say, I did not reach up to my goal, but ended up in vain

I try to paint on my face each day just to hide the fear, but it keeps on being washed away by the same tears

The first try was pretty much easy, when life was still young and breezy, then life throws its curves and you end up where you always just wonder

How’d I get here, what ever went wrong, how do I escape the nightmare, what worse test will come along

I almost felt that you treated me too well for all of my challenges and own moody hell, I’d never been listened to before though, having always been looked right through like a ghost

But honestly I’m glad you left when you did, when the world was set for a new beginnings end, it wasn’t made to progress and it was an okay ending I guess

Because I’m happy you found what you did, because as it happens now we are no longer kids

I learned I was best alone, that with the coming storms I’d rather spend my time on my own, it was something soon gotten over, because I wasn’t the type who needed much closure

But I felt like I was good enough somehow, before time and life chewed me up and spit me out, spending every last shred of energy left just trying to glue back shattered pieces I would never mend

They never fit back together anymore, and didn’t seem to become anything ever worth dreaming again for, but that’s where we’re all supposed to be I now surmise, broken and never quite how we would have imagined our lives

Then some kind of magic bullet I took helped me get back up and take a look around, maybe it was worth a try now, get to know someone who could get to tomorrow somehow

And unexpectedly I caught feelings a second time, like what I never believed existed in real life, but fairy tales quickly sour, turning and twisting into what turns your insides out

So stuck, so much pain with its hooks and fucked up games, I wanted to be good enough for someone to love me, but I never was strong as you expected me to be

Because I was still only a child, holding onto a hope I couldn’t keep all the while you were there to help me grow up, even if most of it was very tough love

And you were right all along weren’t you, breaking me into what it was to be weak and defenseless to admit that I always seemed to be your old reflection

And you were pretty right about me too, even if your condescension and shame were shitty tools, now my eyes are open, but the sight much worse than I was hoping

It’s always kind of bittersweet that I could never say what I was feeling, I guess saving you the breath to tear it apart and me the chance to damage the rest of my heart for healing

My own foolish weakness to fall for what kills me the slowest, though I’d never wish you ill and by now I think you’d know it

But sometimes then I wished I could’ve hurt you back for once, but when it comes right down to it, I never was someone who was angry, not at anyone but me, I never did, I never could, it did change me, but not all for the good.

Perhaps to prepare me for what I never could have imagined, that I had to be tough and cold, unforgiven from my past

Now I will lie here in this place for days on my own as always and try to contemplate what the fucking point was with what was and all that was still yet to come, this fucking nightmare that I’m supposed to call home, but regardless it had been set in motion.

I swore off everyone because with what was going on and to come I did not give a single fuck, the only one who knows my voice beyond the heavens above

Being He who holds me here, who sustains me but permits my fears, That they should overtake me as I couldn’t escape breaking

I don’t know who you think I am, don’t know where you think I’m going, truth is likely I’m a fading breath on the winds and no desire shall ever know me

Being now so close with death that it should be my only request, with a spirit that calls “How long? how long is left?”

A third time in my sojourn I was taken to loving a stranger in my sickness, no reason but fate, a voice with no face, in answer to my petitions

Like a solitary crow calling from a distant place of old, an almost familiar place in a memory I’ll never behold, A voice in the silence of my permanent wandering place, company in the violence of what feels more like my grave

Truthfully I never could explain just how I’d feel so much for a sound, here in the abysmal waiting place where everything’s dead all around,

Including myself, exhausted all help, I thought I could get better if I gave it just a little more patience, now seems none will ever well enough understand the situation

Is it a matter of time or my crime’s punishment, I cannot say that I will ever feel enough again.

6.19 free write

I can’t seem to get the words out this way, or any these days, everyday is the same and I’m awful to complain

Because we’re all running fast as we can to stay in the places we began, always waiting, fabricating, for the next thing that never takes place

It doesn’t mean anything to me, I’d throw it all away for just one day of meaning, I’d trade every last breath just for something before death

There’s nowhere to go, there’s nothing I know that can ease the pain inside, after it all there’s only a fall and what’s getting harder to hide

So we grow up and we grow on, like we’re supposed to pretend nothing’s wrong, the gnawing reminder this isn’t where you belong, and with no way of finding the thought to hold on

Everything fought now rules my whole world, who would’ve thought I’d become that girl, the older I get the less I give a shit, with please and thank you’s and trying to explain it

I can’t say how I feel or I’ll come all unglued, there is no way to heal, only to exclude

Myself, immoderate, I keep asking God the same questions, there’s a whole lot of it, but no closer to suggestion

There are no answers, only air, along with all the rumors of some most divine care

That’s perhaps relative, that doesn’t have any morale to give, useless, and veiled, stupid fucking tales

Go and look for yourself, you’ll find evidence but a different kind of help, no answers, no succession, only expectation of contentment in regression

Some made to crush, others to lift up, you and I are dust, and then back to it become

So it indeed best to eat, drink, and make bed for today, if you can feign such a way to satisfy your heart, or forever painted dark, as it feels is the precedent

So in the rare event that one creates their circumstance, if you fly too high, you’ll melt your wings and die, should one place their confidence in anything beneath the sky

Turn to the left, turn to the right, stray a single step, your plans falter, wither, too die, as we are ever being searched by a never ending purpose

Go on and tell me, go on and lie, say again how it works out with time, no it is what you take, should you be permitted what is vain, to some but not to everyone

Time is deceptive but ever stuck in my head, it doesn’t go how we think it does yet still leaves evidence, I’ll never have enough of it to get what I desire, but in the same too much remains before I expire

Silence becomes the best policy, with all unsaid and done, it’s easy to see, that I don’t want to disappoint, I’m much better at being annoying

Beating my head against a wall, knowing well along it was all my fault, but neither was there a way to prevent it at all.