1.27 free write

I sit in the pew with my head hung low, surrounded by all these people but I’ve never felt so alone, I swear I’ve heard these words before, I wrote them in my journal just the night before

And I can barely stand as the man recites what I thought he would say, and was most afraid, yeah the illusion I tried to create is falling apart, and I’m terrified every color will forever turn dark

I don’t want to be afraid anymore, but the more I push on my very best, heart sinking like a stone within my chest, I ran so far my wayward years, from everything and one, now all I have to say are tears

No words to exhume from the ocean that just feels like a different tomb, yeah I know just who You’re talking to, I’m not saying that you’re wrong, I just can’t find the motivation to move on

You are good, You are faithful, but my heart is selfish and the truth evokes hate in my soul, perhaps it’s presumptuous, I’m just convinced I’ll never feel anything else again but this

Yeah life is pain I know, and if we’re surviving we’ve already got it made, I just didn’t think when I was a little child that the pain would be the only thing that stayed, and after everything I’ve seen, I don’t know what to believe

I don’t want to talk to anyone, had to break me down slowly for what was to come, I couldn’t properly run my life, now I’m caught between here and the other side

I’m sorry if it sounds like it’s doubt, maybe it is, but I just can’t see what’s to hope for now, though I still hear all sorts of things, there’s nothing I can think to ask the future brings

Why should I be exempt from giving up all I thought I had? I just didn’t know it would hurt this bad, why am I always bitter, when I have no right to it, all I want is to quit as soon as it begins, because after everywhere I’ve been, I am still far too human

Am I bound in Saturn’s transit, destined to turn to the pages I’ve dreaded, on my knees I’m begging to be locked into the path the seven stars are headed, forever until the end held together

After everything You’ve seen me through, God help me to trust You, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to trust in You to do, when to live is to die and to grow is to lose

Feels like the end, but I guess we all get our time to pretend, now destiny’s calling and I don’t know how to answer, I don’t even want to, they say that we’re born to- God I didn’t know dying hurt more than my conjecture of never having been born at all.

1.26 free write

They say that rest is found in You, so why do I still feel so tired? They say that peace is found only in You, so why do I still feel so terrified?

Even knowing You are in control, and calling us to surrender it all, only arises more of the terror inside and all around, because there’s nowhere to hide and truth drives out that hope, when reality destroys everything we know

And they say that You can renew anything, So why does the old passing away seem to bring the same old weight? Fear consumes me every moment that I live, though I fight it so and know something’s got to give

They say when our dreams are dying that shelter is found in You alone, so why do I call but feel there’s nowhere left to go? Fighting back the lies every minute that I wake, it’s taking all of me and never gives a break

This is the war we all fight, take the next breath in and breathe out the thoughts inside, when strength has worn thin they say that Your spirit would make our petitions, but I’m struggling to believe it’s worth it

I will wait on You for all of my days, for to whom else could I go when my heart is weak and faded, but why do I still feel so alone and afraid?

If I could only talk to You while I’m sober, but most of the time I don’t know what’s taken over, I know You perceive my every thought before I even saw it, do You my every fear, much as I cannot find the words to say it clear?

They say that You alone satiate, so why do I still feel so empty and misplaced? I just need a clear mind, but the static remains no matter what’s tried

They say that love can drive out fear, but I’m trying to survive now, so I can’t feel it here, they say to live is to change, seems never again will I recognize any face

If I am understood so, why do I still only feel alone? No one can save us but ourselves, but God I need help

They say everything I need rests inside of me, help me find peace, if rest exists, may I someway find it.

1.25 free write

There aren’t enough words to say what I feel, with all of these answers that some things never heal, seems it’s been a lifetime I’ve walked in just these few years and all they have taught me

I know I can never be the same again, that we set not upon the same river’s waters more than once til the journey’s end, and discover that the line between insanity and reality is no thicker than a thread

Looking back across the waters crossed, as we all do, I realize that I’ve had to toss the confidences that I’d held onto, so afraid of just how big this life is – how quick, how short, yet dire in its implications

perhaps I got myself into this sentence, a personal hell and convinced that no one understands it, but the worst part is that maybe they do, and this is all there is to look forward to

But I’ve got to believe in something, I just don’t know what anymore when everything’s been turned out and upside down, slipping through my hands and nowhere to be found

And when I’m screaming the loudest seems like You’re the farthest away, when I see but I’m blind, thinking but can’t define, hearing but I’m deaf, hear it again and again but living with this guilt and shame about my neck

Fear screaming in my ears and trying my best to ignore it, prove it wrong and move forward, thrown to the ground, sidetracked and now more confused and alone than I had ever known you could be

When no matter what I say, what they hear, it’s not enough, listen always with the intent to correct if I open up, I can’t afford to be so damn sensitive, I know the problem is my attitude’s grown bitter of the directives

I know the problem is me, always fighting myself just to take the next step and breathe, but the more I wage this war I’m feeling the anger making my heart grow cold, thought I knew where I was going but then I lost the road

God please impart to me wisdom, tire not of Your patience and mercies, though I know I’m not deserving, I know I’ll be dead and done without Your continual presence and hands holding me up

Make my paths straight and bind me like the Pleiades to Your way, for everyday I drown in this ocean, every hour like a sheep I wander astray, how far can love reach, even unto me? For these days in my shame and desperation, I feel like the least.

12.12 free write

This night is so silent that it fills my heart with fear, when in so many ways I don’t know where to go from here

So far away from the only things that ever made any sense in life, and all that remains is a fallen pretense and waiting for their ends to arrive

How do we change so much in so short a space in time, how do you go from love to I don’t want you in my life

I’ve always had a heart that was either closed or too far out of reach, just going through the motions like most, not feeling anything

And when you wake up to that .1 percent, it just opens you up to poison and disappointment, is it better to always lose or to stay where you’re used to

It’s not an easy thing to do, to speak in a language without the signals mixed up, you’ll look everywhere and yet it never seems to come

And the silence so strange after such a long way, it’ll almost make you believe in a lie, that it’s all in vain when everything’s changing and it’s all a waste of your time

But I have few to no regrets in this futile life I’ve led, it is better to try and to fall than to never try loving at all, and someday you will see life is more than a memory

Someday I tell you when the years have all begun to unwind and you couldn’t read the signs, once you’ve run all out of time- only then perhaps you’ll see what it means when love is blind.

1.20 free write

All I want is for this to stop, to just get off of this rollercoaster that I call a life, the screaming is so real and hearing everything else too, I can’t shut it out, but I shut everyone else out when it’s all too loud

Now my friends are all too busy for me, no they don’t come around anymore, when I’ve never needed someone more, oh God I don’t want to feel so alone, but it’s all I’ve ever known

Thoughts race in, in all different shapes and I hate them, I can’t shut them down, I take my next breath and rub my blurry eyes, but I can’t make them see again, I can’t make this moon recognize me as a friend

But I could stare in the night for hours on end, just to try and feel anything other than what it is, so I run as far as I can, but feels like my bones too are made of this glass

God I tried so hard to be a part of the world, I didn’t want to be that girl, please just take me home, I don’t want to be the crazy one anymore

My heart skips every other beat inside my chest, my hands keep on shaking, can’t seem to find rest, but if I lie here praying still as can be, maybe tomorrow will never find me

Won’t you distract me, but there’s nobody there that I can see, and no one else to blame but me, so I sing songs in my head and try to pretend, but I can’t

I know that You’re there, You’ve answered my calls whenever I am scared, and it’s all the time, because honestly my eyes they never dry, and I think I must be going insane if I’m not already there, but I’m still here

But I can’t help but ever ask why all along, when I feel like an alien stuck where I’ll never belong, and I just want to go home, because the words have long separated us and they always come out wrong

And I don’t know how to translate souls aloud, not ever or when this panic takes my mouth, I try to say what I need but nothing ever comes out

I want to let go of this tension, but I can’t find a way to mention everything spinning inside at once, I can never finish what I needed to say because I haven’t begun, and it spins on and on

Seems like close could never be close enough to chase out all the ghosts twisting up your gut, do you know about the place where all the colors are like seeing them all for the very first time, a vivid new clarity surrounds every line

And when I first saw them I didn’t even know that I was dead, carrying a weight on my back heavier than lead, so afraid that those colors will forever fade, and no matter what they say I can’t see how it’ll be okay

Oh God I try so hard but I didn’t get very far, I just want to go home, I don’t want to be the crazy one anymore.

1.19 free write

This place has grown so empty my footsteps echo back down every barren corridor, these pallid unfeeling walls with every turn look just like the world, exactly the same everywhere you look, now I’ll be just another face amidst the sea of all you mistook

From the inside to my outside face, all I thought I’d be has finally come to change, and I’ll be another soul you won’t recognize because sooner or later we have to realize that tomorrow’s just a dream that every fool will chase for eternity

I just don’t know where to go, there’s got to be someone somewhere who knows how to break this sea of glass, who can take away some of the lonely hours that pass

It’s never coming around, I don’t have time to wait for second guessing now, life slips through the hourglass still standing, throwing around the time that we took all for granted

I’ve only got to get it right once and it’s enough for me to fade, to keep all the right turns to the end of this maze, just once to feel anything real, to find a heart that still knows how to feel

I have to redeem the time, all the impossible, mistakes to rewind, faces will deceive you every time, pretty convenience desired over the ugly truths we hide

The pain you carry inside will never go away, that emptiness we try to fill and it’s all in vain, I’d throw away all my today’s just to feel alive one more time and then never have to die again

I can’t keep up with the lie, trying to show only one side, hearts are messy, ours are in pieces, trying hard to see but sometimes I’d rather believe in anything else outside of my reach

This place is already so dead I cannot bear to stay to the end, but with the long weary road ahead, maybe I really just needed a closer friend.

1.17

The words don’t come anymore, they don’t really matter, and I know no one’s keeping score

They don’t even have to make sense to anyone else at this point, because I’m the only one that their absence is annoying

I’m divided between the loneliness and despising everything there is, the glass keeps getting thicker, I need something to help me break it

Would you believe I knew where you were up until the very end, but it doesn’t matter either, you won’t see past your own pretense

I am human in this skin, but somehow can’t manage to let anyone in, I don’t care, but my need is everywhere

I hate today, tomorrow is looking too late, always just searching, running to stay in place

Fool’s gold is my demise, anything real is too hard to find, to live is to change, too bad shitty things always stay the same

Time is up, no one’s heart will beat the same as yours, everybody wants to die, so welcome to the world

I can only play nice when it comes right down to mine, but life kicks you in the face and takes no partiality or breaks

Stealing kindness away from the heart, and while you’re still reeling it’ll tear you apart, we’re all drowning here, yeah it’s hard to feel.

Farewell to the elementary verbiage of my silently rotting soul, words are fucking useless now, they say nothing at all

Tired and beaten, dragged behind cart and horse, wired and uneasy, exhausted of discourse, for in the thousands of ways I scream to convey- I simply don’t speak in words anymore.

1.12 free write

I just want to breathe in and exhale the fog from my mind, I just want to get out of my skin, leave the past and future behind

I just want the screaming inside to finally stop, but nothing ever seems to take the edge off, I just want the static to clear so I can finally make something of being so far from here

The words are all jumbled up in the sky above, I can’t grab on to any one as they’re stealing the air from my lungs, they say that to live is to change everyday, but I find in its wake I can’t find the strength to stay

What the fuck is wrong with you, I can’t help but ask myself, when I can’t seem to make it through the day like most everyone else

I feel like I only cause problems for you, I want to help everyone around me, only to drop the other shoe, when I can’t even help myself, feels like I fuck up no matter what I do

I can’t even tell what’s true anymore, and if I’m honest enough with myself I’m scared I just don’t fucking care anymore, makes no difference of the supposed to, when we’re all drowning in this together

I can’t catch a breath of air long enough now to help the people I care about, and it feels like we’re all always headed down when as soon as I can break the surface, the next wave takes me under and another day seems worthless

I just want it to end, I’m so fucking sick of this weight of all we can do is play pretend, the truth is too hard to look at and few want to hear what they can’t fix with the infinite wisdom of their lips

Feels like I hate everything and I don’t want to come back up, why give all my strength, tears, and blood just to get pushed back down again, and I’m screaming so fucking loud but it doesn’t even matter at all, because all that I’m saying is what everyone already knows

Everything turns to dust, all that once shined is eroding in rust, find the truth but it doesn’t set you free, and I don’t waste my time advertising my victories

I want to turn the music up so I never have to hear again, they say that life is all about love, so why does it only end, and the rest is a choice that hurts when too few are willing to do the hard work

I should know by now the problem is with me, when I still feel all alone in the midst of company, they say that I love but inside I’ve given up and don’t know how to believe in anything to come

How do I keep on hiding the anger that burns inside, try to make it go away, knowing that I’ve no right, why do I feel so aggressive, push it back down again, the past is dead I know, but how do we move past pretend

I know I’m not the only one in these things, but never found solace in the multiplication of misery, going through the motions but never finding the strength, and all these bottled up emotions have rendered me insane

I’m sorry for everything and how quickly I fall away, people keep repeating I just need to have more faith, but I don’t know what to do while I’m supposed to be trusting in You

But trusting that You’ll do what exactly? Because I’ve got all these questions I keep asking, and sometimes I can feel it doesn’t make a difference what I say, because Your will is different and I know You’ll have Your way

I know that God is good and He is ever faithful, but I’m never where I should and my heart’s grown only hateful in the fight, with half the time apologizing for everything I am, the other branding myself that I have to give a damn

I’m trying with all I’ve got but it’s simply not enough, and I’m terrified that this will never be done, that my most earnest cries will make no difference in Your replies, and in my small simple mind I can’t find the reasons why.

January 3rd free write

In my minds eye I can still see myself a child, lying on her bed staring up at the canopy lights, dreams in her head and the same music in the night- though I didn’t know then what it would mean

Unaware that You were Already There, and saw in my reflection a glimpse of a face I would not recognize for many years to come, and cry in the night, why did You call me here

Unaware how long that road would be, with the same big blue eyes that You first showed me, and the vague love songs that I would hang my heart upon, so strong and alive, oh how I wish I could turn back time

But here we are today, holding our breath here on out, the light gone away from its place in that gaze, there’s no turning back now

I know You saw back then and I can’t figure out if you still see me and where I’ve been, I know that You’re looking both there and here – I wish that my small simple tears were enough to dissuade the years

From falling upon me as they threaten to turn so, will you count Your righteousness to the girl of long ago, before living and the world and learning of its truth, before the corruption of everything I knew

I no longer feel noble, with thoughts that are simple and small, a still weeping child inside I can’t figure out how to console, in the emerging future looming ahead that I can no longer control

As if it were anything new to everyone on the planet, though there’s nothing new to say to equip me to stand it, it’s easy to write the answers into these empty spaces, but an agonizing war with its application

I know this truth but can’t bring myself to stare back at it for very long, like needles sinking in, stealing the strength needed to carry on

A child lies in bed, sleepless with excitement for the day that lies ahead, now the rising sun fills of only its fear and dread, and the many plagues that befall its people, to the right and to my left

I do not sit amidst the Assembly simply for the sake of disagreeing, as I fear my lot is to become just like them, my guilt and shame are multipled for honesty, and a heart waging war with its end.