1.20 free write

All I want is for this to stop, to just get off of this rollercoaster that I call a life, the screaming is so real and hearing everything else too, I can’t shut it out, but I shut everyone else out when it’s all too loud

Now my friends are all too busy for me, no they don’t come around anymore, when I’ve never needed someone more, oh God I don’t want to feel so alone, but it’s all I’ve ever known

Thoughts race in, in all different shapes and I hate them, I can’t shut them down, I take my next breath and rub my blurry eyes, but I can’t make them see again, I can’t make this moon recognize me as a friend

But I could stare in the night for hours on end, just to try and feel anything other than what it is, so I run as far as I can, but feels like my bones too are made of this glass

God I tried so hard to be a part of the world, I didn’t want to be that girl, please just take me home, I don’t want to be the crazy one anymore

My heart skips every other beat inside my chest, my hands keep on shaking, can’t seem to find rest, but if I lie here praying still as can be, maybe tomorrow will never find me

Won’t you distract me, but there’s nobody there that I can see, and no one else to blame but me, so I sing songs in my head and try to pretend, but I can’t

I know that You’re there, You’ve answered my calls whenever I am scared, and it’s all the time, because honestly my eyes they never dry, and I think I must be going insane if I’m not already there, but I’m still here

But I can’t help but ever ask why all along, when I feel like an alien stuck where I’ll never belong, and I just want to go home, because the words have long separated us and they always come out wrong

And I don’t know how to translate souls aloud, not ever or when this panic takes my mouth, I try to say what I need but nothing ever comes out

I want to let go of this tension, but I can’t find a way to mention everything spinning inside at once, I can never finish what I needed to say because I haven’t begun, and it spins on and on

Seems like close could never be close enough to chase out all the ghosts twisting up your gut, do you know about the place where all the colors are like seeing them all for the very first time, a vivid new clarity surrounds every line

And when I first saw them I didn’t even know that I was dead, carrying a weight on my back heavier than lead, so afraid that those colors will forever fade, and no matter what they say I can’t see how it’ll be okay

Oh God I try so hard but I didn’t get very far, I just want to go home, I don’t want to be the crazy one anymore.

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