1.25 free write

There aren’t enough words to say what I feel, with all of these answers that some things never heal, seems it’s been a lifetime I’ve walked in just these few years and all they have taught me

I know I can never be the same again, that we set not upon the same river’s waters more than once til the journey’s end, and discover that the line between insanity and reality is no thicker than a thread

Looking back across the waters crossed, as we all do, I realize that I’ve had to toss the confidences that I’d held onto, so afraid of just how big this life is – how quick, how short, yet dire in its implications

perhaps I got myself into this sentence, a personal hell and convinced that no one understands it, but the worst part is that maybe they do, and this is all there is to look forward to

But I’ve got to believe in something, I just don’t know what anymore when everything’s been turned out and upside down, slipping through my hands and nowhere to be found

And when I’m screaming the loudest seems like You’re the farthest away, when I see but I’m blind, thinking but can’t define, hearing but I’m deaf, hear it again and again but living with this guilt and shame about my neck

Fear screaming in my ears and trying my best to ignore it, prove it wrong and move forward, thrown to the ground, sidetracked and now more confused and alone than I had ever known you could be

When no matter what I say, what they hear, it’s not enough, listen always with the intent to correct if I open up, I can’t afford to be so damn sensitive, I know the problem is my attitude’s grown bitter of the directives

I know the problem is me, always fighting myself just to take the next step and breathe, but the more I wage this war I’m feeling the anger making my heart grow cold, thought I knew where I was going but then I lost the road

God please impart to me wisdom, tire not of Your patience and mercies, though I know I’m not deserving, I know I’ll be dead and done without Your continual presence and hands holding me up

Make my paths straight and bind me like the Pleiades to Your way, for everyday I drown in this ocean, every hour like a sheep I wander astray, how far can love reach, even unto me? For these days in my shame and desperation, I feel like the least.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s