1.12 free write

I just want to breathe in and exhale the fog from my mind, I just want to get out of my skin, leave the past and future behind

I just want the screaming inside to finally stop, but nothing ever seems to take the edge off, I just want the static to clear so I can finally make something of being so far from here

The words are all jumbled up in the sky above, I can’t grab on to any one as they’re stealing the air from my lungs, they say that to live is to change everyday, but I find in its wake I can’t find the strength to stay

What the fuck is wrong with you, I can’t help but ask myself, when I can’t seem to make it through the day like most everyone else

I feel like I only cause problems for you, I want to help everyone around me, only to drop the other shoe, when I can’t even help myself, feels like I fuck up no matter what I do

I can’t even tell what’s true anymore, and if I’m honest enough with myself I’m scared I just don’t fucking care anymore, makes no difference of the supposed to, when we’re all drowning in this together

I can’t catch a breath of air long enough now to help the people I care about, and it feels like we’re all always headed down when as soon as I can break the surface, the next wave takes me under and another day seems worthless

I just want it to end, I’m so fucking sick of this weight of all we can do is play pretend, the truth is too hard to look at and few want to hear what they can’t fix with the infinite wisdom of their lips

Feels like I hate everything and I don’t want to come back up, why give all my strength, tears, and blood just to get pushed back down again, and I’m screaming so fucking loud but it doesn’t even matter at all, because all that I’m saying is what everyone already knows

Everything turns to dust, all that once shined is eroding in rust, find the truth but it doesn’t set you free, and I don’t waste my time advertising my victories

I want to turn the music up so I never have to hear again, they say that life is all about love, so why does it only end, and the rest is a choice that hurts when too few are willing to do the hard work

I should know by now the problem is with me, when I still feel all alone in the midst of company, they say that I love but inside I’ve given up and don’t know how to believe in anything to come

How do I keep on hiding the anger that burns inside, try to make it go away, knowing that I’ve no right, why do I feel so aggressive, push it back down again, the past is dead I know, but how do we move past pretend

I know I’m not the only one in these things, but never found solace in the multiplication of misery, going through the motions but never finding the strength, and all these bottled up emotions have rendered me insane

I’m sorry for everything and how quickly I fall away, people keep repeating I just need to have more faith, but I don’t know what to do while I’m supposed to be trusting in You

But trusting that You’ll do what exactly? Because I’ve got all these questions I keep asking, and sometimes I can feel it doesn’t make a difference what I say, because Your will is different and I know You’ll have Your way

I know that God is good and He is ever faithful, but I’m never where I should and my heart’s grown only hateful in the fight, with half the time apologizing for everything I am, the other branding myself that I have to give a damn

I’m trying with all I’ve got but it’s simply not enough, and I’m terrified that this will never be done, that my most earnest cries will make no difference in Your replies, and in my small simple mind I can’t find the reasons why.

January 3rd free write

In my minds eye I can still see myself a child, lying on her bed staring up at the canopy lights, dreams in her head and the same music in the night- though I didn’t know then what it would mean

Unaware that You were Already There, and saw in my reflection a glimpse of a face I would not recognize for many years to come, and cry in the night, why did You call me here

Unaware how long that road would be, with the same big blue eyes that You first showed me, and the vague love songs that I would hang my heart upon, so strong and alive, oh how I wish I could turn back time

But here we are today, holding our breath here on out, the light gone away from its place in that gaze, there’s no turning back now

I know You saw back then and I can’t figure out if you still see me and where I’ve been, I know that You’re looking both there and here – I wish that my small simple tears were enough to dissuade the years

From falling upon me as they threaten to turn so, will you count Your righteousness to the girl of long ago, before living and the world and learning of its truth, before the corruption of everything I knew

I no longer feel noble, with thoughts that are simple and small, a still weeping child inside I can’t figure out how to console, in the emerging future looming ahead that I can no longer control

As if it were anything new to everyone on the planet, though there’s nothing new to say to equip me to stand it, it’s easy to write the answers into these empty spaces, but an agonizing war with its application

I know this truth but can’t bring myself to stare back at it for very long, like needles sinking in, stealing the strength needed to carry on

A child lies in bed, sleepless with excitement for the day that lies ahead, now the rising sun fills of only its fear and dread, and the many plagues that befall its people, to the right and to my left

I do not sit amidst the Assembly simply for the sake of disagreeing, as I fear my lot is to become just like them, my guilt and shame are multipled for honesty, and a heart waging war with its end.