4.29 free write

I keep on holding my breath just to keep the tears away, no word, no sound, no truth, only lies now, tripped up once and falling on the ground

I’ve been pretending for so long though, the only evidence of the truth are the songs on the radio, don’t think I’ll ever know another, maybe we don’t even really know each other

But it comes as no surprise, seems most of us are locked up in our own minds, it’s okay if you don’t want to look at the truth, I don’t want to right along with you

I know we are all crazy in our own ways, I just don’t want you to see, want to be alone today, but we are all hiding our something, but how far does it have to go before we cut our ties with all the lies of a better time

Tomorrow’s past is growing cold, today’s the last chance of a miracle, went all the way out there just to find that we are all scared, now I can’t help thinking maybe it is better to just believe whichever lie makes you feel alive again, tell me real hope didn’t just die, right along with what’s been lost inside

See me today and I’m not sure that I could tell you the difference either, but we do know something’s changed, and today will probably never go away, But hate to admit that I am more afraid

I’m just not convinced which is the truth or a lie that I’ve sold, and now the only evidence I find are the songs on the radio, and I’m holding my breath again.

4.28 free write

Thought that I knew what I was supposed to do, but just can’t seem to find the words to, trying to hear what’s the next move, but I’ve never felt so far away from You

But I know that You are here, holding me up and counting my fears, but all I can hold is my breath from here, show me where to go next, though I don’t know if I’ve the strength left

Never thought I’d get this far, but neither thought it would be so hard, just when I think I know, there’s nowhere left to even go

What is it I’m still searching for, in this world of so much nothing more, speak all the words in all the world and still feel alone, I know You are all I really need, so why do I still feel so hungry?

I know You hear all these thoughts so faded, and the silence that’s singing me to sleep now, maybe if I can write them down in these spaces, I’ll find a way to say them somehow

Im struggling to recognize amidst the sea of voices, when I fuck it all up given my own choices, I’m not hoping, but keep on going, of no reason I can see, a common thing of such familiarity

Ever scratching right beneath the skin, push it back down just to breathe in, we all have a silent scream trapped inside, as a distraction, part of the divide

I don’t really care for make believe games anymore, can’t even seem to find a conversation not so vapid and bored, so what is it I’m still searching for, in this world of so much nothing more, speak all the words in all the world and still feel alone, I know there’s nothing more I really need, so why do I still feel so hungry?

4.25 free write

Too tired to cry, but I keep on trying, as I’m rising higher and higher, but can’t help but wonder all the while why, when all I want to do is trade in tomorrow, when today is all we’ve got and always full of sorrow

So push it right back down, pretend for one more day, though I can’t see it now, they say it’ll be okay

But I wish I could believe

Today I stand here stronger than I’ve ever been before, I won’t be stepped on any longer, know what I can do and more

Hold back another scream, I climb this mountain on my own, and though I’m by myself, I am never alone, don’t you know, I made my friends in the stars above, quiet my heart, I don’t need their overrated love

So when the darkness descends upon you again, learn to recognize the friend in it, I just wish we could believe, but by the time these words will ever reach you, it already hurts all the time and never goes away, but they say it will be fine,

but I can’t see it today, too strong to say a word, too tired to admit I am afraid.

4.18

Child of the Devil, blind where I’m headed, yeah I’ll give you the second, but now in hurt my mind is on fire, all these words so long I’ve held inside

You say I’ve got to learn to use some of this anger that I can, all that I’ve got when it seems no one understands, criticize everything I do and all I am, while I’m trying so hard just to appease you, too tired to gain the upper hand

Seems I know exactly where I belong, hiding right beneath and all alone, pick me apart and watch me fall, but now I can see you never knew my heart at all

Sorry that I can’t be like you, I don’t know how to forget, how to feel what you say is the truth, but unconventionality permissible too, but only when most convenient to you

I don’t believe anymore, tomorrow’s gone too far, only further into the nightmare, so let’s erase the middle and burn out at the start

Now I know right where I belong, beneath everything you deny to keep the fear from rising, I remain one to the end of time.

The Lesser Darkness p.17-18

17

I was deeply conflicted but this was messing with my head again; I knew that if I stayed any longer that I would later regret it. I rose from the grass and looked past the clearing into the saturated darkness beyond the trees. I began to walk toward where I had come but briefly hesitated beside her. I bent down and faintly kissed her forehead, surprised to find the sensation that she didn’t feel as the illusion I had assumed. I worked my way back through the grassy thorns and into the trees. I shivered under their thick cover, and opened my eyes to the Scarlet table.

This time I more quickly regained my composure and orientation, “How long was I gone for,?” I almost instinctively queried.

“Again, I can’t tell you exactly how long-as I keep no Time- but I can say that I perceived you to have fallen asleep for only a few short moments.”

“Alright, let’s get this last one done with,” as stoically as I could feign.
The crimson vial caught my eye from the candle in front of me.

“But before I forget; I saw an old friend- a particularly dear one I suppose-” I again downplayed my recount, while reaching for the vial and holding it up against the dimmed light. “She held this, emptied in her hands. What is it- or should I ask what it means?”

“A wise question,” he tipped back in his chair with a creak. ”
“The seemingly inert substance you hold in your hands has the capacity to entirely eliminate the need- and reduce the craving for- sustenance, of any kind. Take it and you will no longer hunger, thirst, nor die of lack. But deprivation, it can well teach one progressive discipline and an increasingly heightened resistance to all pain-”

“If what you say is true, I’ll take it,” I interrupted with a laugh.

“To never be of want or it’s chains is indeed of value…” he continued. “Yet, as you know trying to force Death’s hand has its consequences, as does trying to cheat it. I rarely mention the option, as few would agree to forego something so oddly, yet universally deified; I had an inkling however, that you would not hesitate at even such a weighty decision.”

“Well how long does it last for? I would love to no longer worry myself of the imposition.” I thought of the ravenous pain in my muscles during imposed fasts and arduous treks. “Does it simultaneously reduce the pain of starvation?” I deeply coveted the notion of no longer suffering for the fact that I had not had enough food in many years. It never got any easier to make those ends meet.

“I don’t know how long it lasts- beyond the decades or if it’s forever; I’ve never again seen any one of its few partakers. I’ve a strong suspicion that it’s forever- or until you come back wishing to enjoy the carnal things of the world again. I’m still working on the formulation of its undoing…but that’s just one of my many projects, and I can make no promises at this time of its fruition.” he stared off towards the messy table, as if he had just remembered a thing long forgotten.

“so what are these downsides you so cryptically speak of?” I could not veil a slightly patronizing intonation.

“well despite the obvious forgoing of food and drink, you would become violently ill, should you attempt to do so again. You could still drink very sparingly, but it would be of no reason nor quenching. Many count food and wine amongst life’s pleasures, but you’ve apparently no firm attachment to such…” ending with the air of a question, of which he then appeared to withhold.

18

” I’d still like to take you up on your offer…” I hesitated, “and I apologize for my previously curt behavior, I was fairly worked up coming out of that first vision.”

“Think nothing of it, but help yourself if you so please.” he gestured to the vial, pushed back his chair and went to rifle through two mahogany bookshelves across the way.

I uncorked the vial, met by an oddly metallic scent, and tentatively put a few drops on my tongue. It was of a pleasant honey taste, but in swallowing it down immediately caused my stomach to wrench at the suddenly revolting taste lingering in my mouth; of which was remarkably reminiscent of blood. I allayed inquiring to be of no consequence, and quickly gulped down its contents. My vision blurred slightly as my stomach convulsed violently to empty itself of the menial remainder of its contents; of which, much to the rug’s relief was again merely a false threat.

Originating in a dull stab at the base of my skull, a sensation as though ice were filling every individual vein spread throughout at a disconcertingly slow pace.
The man stood still casually paging through a few dusty books, again entirely unphased. Picking up another couple hefty tomes he produced a modestly sized dagger from the hollow space in an encyclopedia of herbal lore. I sat frozen, consciously focused on his limited movements to attempt distraction from the increasingly heavy feeling embracing my slowed heart and lungs. I was suddenly gripped by the regret of the foolishly implicit trust I had placed in this stranger.

I sat wordless, anticipating either the feeling’s diminishment or final consequence. He returned to the table, placing the knife inside the satchel with the scroll.