7.10

Who are you God, because You are turning out to be much different than I thought, I know I ran away for so long, did whatever I wanted, and messed it all up in the end, paid a highest price, then chased You down again, trying to get an answer, gain some reprieve, and there saw a great many things that you would not believe

I know I can be stubborn as hell, though maybe I wouldn’t have seen them if I hadn’t of been myself, Went out there, learned my lessons hard, and it still feels like the end, though it’s unfortunately just the start

Now I keep my thoughts to myself, but know You still see and search them, intertwining in my mind like no one else, how I sought to change myself, as the more I saw the more I felt, and now I simply cannot be the same, save for a heart that’s filled with pain

And even though I know without a doubt You’re always here, right beside me, it doesn’t save me from my fears that are overtaking me, are You so well aware of how I never cared for knowing I’m not alone in all of this pain, that it only makes it worse knowing it’ll always stay the same

And that I can’t really help them, or if they claim that it did lessen any pain, well I can’t personally say anything makes mine go away, not anymore, like every day forward is adding another stone to the weight of these broken dreams

And these new eyes are killing all that I’ve ever known, leaving no relief but to close my eyes and revisit forbidden memories alone, of a life and a person obviously gone forever, but hard as I try, I can’t exorcise them from my head

I know I said the testing of a man begins when there is no benefit left in passing, now it’s my turn and I’m moving forward but only acting, and I fear I’ve lost my compassion somewhere back in the history of my hope, lost in the crashing of everything I’d known

I raise my eyes to the horizon with every morning, moving forward with the difficult choices, but now every word causes my heart to physically hurt, I must be getting closer because I feel so cold, and standing here with everybody else, I only feel more alone everyday in a sea of sinking souls.

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