6.26

I do not feel powerful, I have these words to say, I did not reach up to my goal, but ended up in vain

I try to paint on my face each day just to hide the fear, but it keeps on being washed away by the same tears

The first try was pretty much easy, when life was still young and breezy, then life throws its curves and you end up where you always just wonder

How’d I get here, what ever went wrong, how do I escape the nightmare, what worse test will come along

I almost felt that you treated me too well for all of my challenges and own moody hell, I’d never been listened to before though, having always been looked right through like a ghost

But honestly I’m glad you left when you did, when the world was set for a new beginnings end, it wasn’t made to progress and it was an okay ending I guess

Because I’m happy you found what you did, because as it happens now we are no longer kids

I learned I was best alone, that with the coming storms I’d rather spend my time on my own, it was something soon gotten over, because I wasn’t the type who needed much closure

But I felt like I was good enough somehow, before time and life chewed me up and spit me out, spending every last shred of energy left just trying to glue back shattered pieces I would never mend

They never fit back together anymore, and didn’t seem to become anything ever worth dreaming again for, but that’s where we’re all supposed to be I now surmise, broken and never quite how we would have imagined our lives

Then some kind of magic bullet I took helped me get back up and take a look around, maybe it was worth a try now, get to know someone who could get to tomorrow somehow

And unexpectedly I caught feelings a second time, like what I never believed existed in real life, but fairy tales quickly sour, turning and twisting into what turns your insides out

So stuck, so much pain with its hooks and fucked up games, I wanted to be good enough for someone to love me, but I never was strong as you expected me to be

Because I was still only a child, holding onto a hope I couldn’t keep all the while you were there to help me grow up, even if most of it was very tough love

And you were right all along weren’t you, breaking me into what it was to be weak and defenseless to admit that I always seemed to be your old reflection

And you were pretty right about me too, even if your condescension and shame were shitty tools, now my eyes are open, but the sight much worse than I was hoping

It’s always kind of bittersweet that I could never say what I was feeling, I guess saving you the breath to tear it apart and me the chance to damage the rest of my heart for healing

My own foolish weakness to fall for what kills me the slowest, though I’d never wish you ill and by now I think you’d know it

But sometimes then I wished I could’ve hurt you back for once, but when it comes right down to it, I never was someone who was angry, not at anyone but me, I never did, I never could, it did change me, but not all for the good.

Perhaps to prepare me for what I never could have imagined, that I had to be tough and cold, unforgiven from my past

Now I will lie here in this place for days on my own as always and try to contemplate what the fucking point was with what was and all that was still yet to come, this fucking nightmare that I’m supposed to call home, but regardless it had been set in motion.

I swore off everyone because with what was going on and to come I did not give a single fuck, the only one who knows my voice beyond the heavens above

Being He who holds me here, who sustains me but permits my fears, That they should overtake me as I couldn’t escape breaking

I don’t know who you think I am, don’t know where you think I’m going, truth is likely I’m a fading breath on the winds and no desire shall ever know me

Being now so close with death that it should be my only request, with a spirit that calls “How long? how long is left?”

A third time in my sojourn I was taken to loving a stranger in my sickness, no reason but fate, a voice with no face, in answer to my petitions

Like a solitary crow calling from a distant place of old, an almost familiar place in a memory I’ll never behold, A voice in the silence of my permanent wandering place, company in the violence of what feels more like my grave

Truthfully I never could explain just how I’d feel so much for a sound, here in the abysmal waiting place where everything’s dead all around,

Including myself, exhausted all help, I thought I could get better if I gave it just a little more patience, now seems none will ever well enough understand the situation

Is it a matter of time or my crime’s punishment, I cannot say that I will ever feel enough again.

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6.19 free write

I can’t seem to get the words out this way, or any these days, everyday is the same and I’m awful to complain

Because we’re all running fast as we can to stay in the places we began, always waiting, fabricating, for the next thing that never takes place

It doesn’t mean anything to me, I’d throw it all away for just one day of meaning, I’d trade every last breath just for something before death

There’s nowhere to go, there’s nothing I know that can ease the pain inside, after it all there’s only a fall and what’s getting harder to hide

So we grow up and we grow on, like we’re supposed to pretend nothing’s wrong, the gnawing reminder this isn’t where you belong, and with no way of finding the thought to hold on

Everything fought now rules my whole world, who would’ve thought I’d become that girl, the older I get the less I give a shit, with please and thank you’s and trying to explain it

I can’t say how I feel or I’ll come all unglued, there is no way to heal, only to exclude

Myself, immoderate, I keep asking God the same questions, there’s a whole lot of it, but no closer to suggestion

There are no answers, only air, along with all the rumors of some most divine care

That’s perhaps relative, that doesn’t have any morale to give, useless, and veiled, stupid fucking tales

Go and look for yourself, you’ll find evidence but a different kind of help, no answers, no succession, only expectation of contentment in regression

Some made to crush, others to lift up, you and I are dust, and then back to it become

So it indeed best to eat, drink, and make bed for today, if you can feign such a way to satisfy your heart, or forever painted dark, as it feels is the precedent

So in the rare event that one creates their circumstance, if you fly too high, you’ll melt your wings and die, should one place their confidence in anything beneath the sky

Turn to the left, turn to the right, stray a single step, your plans falter, wither, too die, as we are ever being searched by a never ending purpose

Go on and tell me, go on and lie, say again how it works out with time, no it is what you take, should you be permitted what is vain, to some but not to everyone

Time is deceptive but ever stuck in my head, it doesn’t go how we think it does yet still leaves evidence, I’ll never have enough of it to get what I desire, but in the same too much remains before I expire

Silence becomes the best policy, with all unsaid and done, it’s easy to see, that I don’t want to disappoint, I’m much better at being annoying

Beating my head against a wall, knowing well along it was all my fault, but neither was there a way to prevent it at all.

Indefinitely

You know, I would have stayed

Definitely

I wouldn’t have left you alone

Unless you had asked me to go

Even then, I would likely try and pretend

That It didn’t hurt me as much as it did
I know the signals are always mixed

In the midst of difficult circumstances

But when it comes to how much you matter to me

I said what I meant, not just what was convenient

But I’m also imperfect and will never have an apology that’s flawless

For all of the times I’ll surely say something thoughtless

I wish that I could read your mind so that I could make it better

and be what you needed right then

But I can’t if you are unwilling to help me understand

I know not everything I say is easy to hear

And I have many, many faults that I’ll own for sure

But not a word I wrote was ever meant to hurt

I’m always willing to apologize a thousand times, and try my best to change

but can’t if you don’t tell me what I did to cause you pain

I’ll always believe in working out conflicts and misunderstandings

But you just leave again, without saying anything

And I’m left just to wonder a hundred other things

If we are both stones- stubborn and unknown, each again on our own-

You must be a  Playa Desert stone

For I’ve never seen one quite so apt to get up and go

Though I know I can be too

So I may get that part of you

Or perhaps I’m just too young to apprehend the truth

I want to understand you, but could you me too?

I may have A Lesser Darkness dwelling within

Like most of us; but mine is less hidden

We all have our light and our dark

but I had hoped that you could see my heart

And know that light always shines through

I said I love you

And that never changes or goes away

Even in the midst of the highs and lows we all face

Just as the ocean always remains

It is calm and steady, but rages in the same

For the rivers and tides ever ebb and flow

but always return to where they were meant to go

I don’t want to dog you too much

But I thought you would be as close and for as long

As I would Indefinitely be able to carry on

Or be somewhere near

All whether it’s never- six months, or a year

I won’t take or place the blame on anyone

I often feel foolish, feeling like the only one

Who in some subtle way is always holding on

I forget a lot of facts, but never can a face

I’m always looking back on those who just won’t stay

So I’m writing again for you

It’s the last thing I can do

I don’t why you affect me like you do

Surely you must know how deeply this hurts me too

Of course I’ll still be here waiting for you

And for impermanence

Because everything worth it is always

Indefinite.