12.23 free write

I tried so hard to run so far away

Just to find myself in the very same place

Did you bring me back

Because You know exactly where I’m at

And You said You know every need

But As soon as I can breathe

It slips away from me

It seems that I will never

Will I carry this pain forever

But I’m too tired to mourn about

A hope expired and all’s worn out

I wish they couldn’t see

That I’ve become so weak

My fear holds me down by a weary soul

And It’s gotten so damn loud

I can’t hear at all

Everyone’s making sense but me

Call it providence, but I’m too blind to see

I can’t seem to let go and I know that it won’t

I can barely speak when it has me by the throat

All I have is passing me by

But now I’m not sure

that I even mind

Teach the dumb, strengthen the feeble

I’ve become numb, living just the Nothing’s equal

Loose the mute and downcast soul

Pull me through cuz there’s nowhere else to go

To see a passion not just in passing

To need to look back and ask

for something worth having

But I’ve become so weak

I wish you couldn’t see.

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12.16 free write

I cannot put these thoughts to rest

They gnaw and rot inside my chest

I can’t become what I’ve already been

But it drags me down to its depths again

The mirror says I’m in the same place as before

And all of my nightmares replay back and forth

And again it’s scraping down my spine

This tormented skin should not be mine

I can’t escape when it lives within

I keep trying, but can’t scrub it from my skin

I can’t starve myself to death

I can’t carve it from my chest

Try still, but all the pills can never kill

What eventually will be my death

And everyone thinks that it’s ok

But I’ve never been farther from that place

I can’t keep on living this way

In sordid hopes I’m digging my grave

If I catch some luck I might

Take too much tonight

Cuz everywhere I go

It’s there, it follows

I’m an ignoble fool at best

And weaker than all the rest

But I don’t fear what befalls

For my mind here has already fallen

Every beginning or choice I make is wrong

Cuz there’s no such thing as winning at all

Not in this war

Fighting just to stand still

There is no moving forward

I’m pushing for a heart attack

And that’s precisely where I’m at

I know I won’t stop until the last plate drops

One by one, they all become done and naught

My silent hurricane inside

Is praying for the end, a place to rest and hide

Some things are simply not meant to be

And lately I feel that that thing

Is me.

12.15 Disappear

Have You forgotten me of old

Tirelessly I call

But You don’t answer at all

People say that there can be a better way

But they don’t see or understand do they

Are You still there

It’s hard to believe You really care

When all I know is that this storm

Has become my whole world

So show if You’re still there

Help me to find the air

to keep breathing

Cuz I am set to disappear in the end

And no one will ever

Hear me again

I can’t understand why I’m still here

When all my day is is pain

And my nights filled with fear

I tried so hard

But my life’s just disregarded

To me and everything means nothing but empty hearted

Are You still there

It’s hard to believe You really care

When all I know is that this storm

Has become my small world

So show if You’re still there

Help me to find the air

to keep breathing

Cuz I am set to disappear in the end

And they will never

See me again

I chose to be alone this way

So I don’t have to show my pain

I have nothing I can give

But the truth of how I live

And there remain no other options

I am set to disappear in the end

And no one will ever hear me again.

12.11 free write

So many voices caught inside my throat

With all these bad choices, I don’t know where to go

From a screaming so loud to no one could drown it out

It’s a terrible thing I’ve done

And terrifies to look back upon

What I’ve become

Somehow now I’m become a coward

When all the lights go out

And each new day has lost its power

When I am disarmed, nothing can go unharmed

And there’s not much to be saved, if there are any saviors

When it’s the same fucking things, the same old behavior

It’s all on me, and I am unforgiving

Myself for me, for being afraid of living

All that’s left is a shredded cover

Of all I could never let any other

Be a part, risking their disregard

Wrapped up in the shame, I’m the only one to blame

And after all the fight I no longer believe that I

Can change.

12.7

I try to write

But I’m too tired of life

And all that comes out from inside

Are these overly exhausted sighs

And faint, distant whispers of what once was

So many words for all so vain a purpose lost

Spoken to the Winds of a world with no God

I feel nothing

But shut away

No want, no plea,

no care nor need

No passion nor hate

Only the past and more of the same

No will nor dream

Or understanding of anything

One may anticipate the turning of a new page

Only to face that the pain remains the same anyways

And a life wasted; merely floating, still through time, all missed

filled with that very same emptiness

Perhaps I disappear like this

For satisfaction at best is merely

More nothingness.

And I feel so much nothingness

That I have become it.

11.14 free write

Happy birthday to me

In these words you’ll never read

I’ll do you some favor

And you can be my temporary savior

Was this how it’s supposed to be

Am I allowed to not feel sorry

There I looked back down my own twisted path

Where I should go now, but there is no way back

Children grow old

And throw out the stories

Of which they were told

But who can tell what’s true

How there’s nothing left to do

Winter’s descent to you and the calendar’s ending too

Five six years and November’s finally through

And you feel so much I do believe

But I feel nothing do I deceive

So Happy birthday to me

In words you’ll never understand

It’s just a simple favor

And then you’ll move along as planned

Through all the how are you’s

I don’t know that we even have a clue

So many scars on so very limited skin

It’d be a hard decision where even to begin

Write me into ink and letters

So as you think, you shall remember

I wish any one knew my whole truth

Or that I could bring someone to know the things I do

Because my demons I hide are all I feel anymore

For each of my reasons outside the real world

And who could ever steal away my pain

Or heal that for which no remedy remains

In my heart is my own biblical Retribution I pay

All we are, disciples disillusioned, so why even pray?

It’s etching color into my bare flesh in vain

Who would dare to carry my weight anyway?

So Happy birthday to me

In these words you’ll never read

I’ll do you the favor

And you can pretend to be

My temporary savior.

11.13 disposable heart

What do I feel, what does it mean

It’s locked in a box

Far out of reach

Not to you, not to them, or even to me

With a key of location remaining unknown

We keep looking for patience when it’s already shown

All for what it is,

One big fucked up punishment

And we’re just swimming in an ocean of vague reassurance

Given with the notion they don’t need to see its occurrence

Now I neither need nor want any help

When all is clearly seen, I’ve become somebody else

Filled with this same vast ocean of nothingness

Feeling no passion or emotion but just an abyss

Despite everything I’ve known and said I never would be

It seems I’ve already thrown all these precepts to the sea

I was the fool to believe that it wasn’t supposed to be this hard

And the result of a tragedy:

I have become the Disposable Heart

For one time use, like something you just make due

And I’m okay with it being that way

So I’ll never look back or ever have to stay.