5.13

Everything’s more fucked up than it seems

Words never near enough to explain anything

The devil has me in hand again

Have you ever seen God in it

Everything’s more empty than it looks

Everyone so distant and can’t say what I should

Have you ever been to hell, this week

From the back of your skull where it carries

Have you ever been so thirsty but cannot take a drop

Have you ever seen 

Tell me, where did you find God 

With eyes sewn shut

Have you ever for long stood so still

You see the dark man at the window sill

You held my hand once

But I can’t keep my balance

Have you ever slept with hell

So dark in the corners of this cell

Felt your heart slip from your chest 

bones separate from the sinew and flesh

Have you ever had the ground’s deep waters

But run for days only to find rotten cisterns

Standing in a circle clear

where no one knows that I’m here

With skin so thin

That It always seems to gets back in

I can’t see, you can’t understand it

And we wander

Have you ever seen God here

I would meet Him anywhere

Have you ever been to hell, this week

I’m standing in this circle clearing

There’s a devil and a scream that I keep hearing

This is all I’ve got

Tell me, have you seen God?

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Too Much Time


Every day is the same

There’s nothing I can say

I hate to complain

But nothing fortunate feels the same

When my fractured insides died

And there’s nothing left but the time

Waiting for someone to burn the ashes remaining away
So be careful what you wish for 

When there’s not much left

Depending on the answer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That a fool prayed to leave behind

Now all that’s left is

Too much time
I’ve had an attitude that’s bad enough  I know

But really I’m just all used up and alone

Can we start again

I didn’t mean the things I said

You never can get used to it

Waiting for anyone to use the ending
So be careful what you wish for 

When there’s not much left

Once you’ve caught the cancer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That you tried to leave behind

Now all that’s left

Is too much time.
How did we get here

Making nothing that’s left clear

How did I end up this way

With no truth that I can bring myself to say

Who will ever know

Who will ever see 

The hardest pill to swallow

-The real story?
So be careful what you wish for

When there’s nothing left

Once you’ve caught the cancer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That we prayed to leave behind

Now all that’s left of you and I

Is too much time. 

Thanks For Making Me Feel Welcome

Yes I’m aware that you disapprove of everything that I do

All of the things that are the most true to me
are the most inferior to you

Fuck you

You think you understand
Because you cried that one time- your head between your hands

You think you know the pain

You think you’ve felt the weight

But I don’t believe for a second
That you’re acquainted with the things I relay

I need not defend myself

what else can I say?

For I am the dark, evil one

No hope for my being saved

You’re so good with that bible in your hands
you must be one of God’s most favorite ones amidst all the lands

Fuck you

Fuck you

Fuck you

For alienating me once again

For every fucking thing I did that wasn’t quoting scripture
Like you had planned

This darkness in my soul

Is foreign and unknown to you

And I can’t tell who’s more wrong, or where Christ’s blood reconciles of the two

And I can’t tell whether I should be condemning myself,

or standing up against you.

Death Colored Possession

A torment beyond the measure of my speech

So vexing, tongue bound

I cannot say anything

Day and night without cease, my soul weeps

Yet I shove it back underneath

For it is not fitting that one should do nothing

Though I care for as much clearly…

I try to guide my thoughts’ eyes

Yet it relentlessly tears and at my miseries, pries

To ensure that it destroys the very last of me

Burning my throat

Crushing my chest

Cutting off cleansing air

So my mind may find no rest

Insane insane insane with pain…

A torment beyond such idle fantasies

As a favor through the skull

Beyond a silver wrist set at ease

Or a hundred pills sedating lull

Every minute of the hour

Of the days blurred into years

It’s pain is fresh as the first time it demanded it’s share of tears

The light at time’s end grew more and more dim-

And now it’s simply gone out.

Tonight I relent, yet once again

And am engulfed by my confirmed doubts

And it feels so horrific

Yet so very appropriate

To let myself sink underneath all I feign to ignore

This is all that I’m looking for anymore:

This black nightmare

This grey oppression

The ever flowng circle

Of a death colored possession

And such is my mind and all that runs across

Limitless thoughts of desperation

And the haunting things forever lost

Today’s Thoughts- Negative But Honest

midnight_of_july_by_nanfe-d6dr5pd

There aren’t any words in language to convey
What it is that I want to say
Because in a most depraved, terrible way
I wish someone else could suffer feeling the same

Never as a child could I ever have thought
That in a million years, I’d be to where I’ve got
More than just alone-
Like God has even disowned

Therapy doesn’t work
And the pills are even worse
Food doesn’t bring any strength
And drugs stopped working anyway

No company seems to alleviate
In fact, it may even aggravate
I could touch them right now
But can’t feel them anyhow

Can’t even feel the blade on my skin
There’s not enough alcohol to bring back a sting
There’s not enough blood
To express anything

As I’m lying on the ground
From society- miles out
The winds are whipping around
As the demons are howling
I came looking for You-
You were nowhere to be found

I wandered out here seeking
Any kind of comforting
But not even the most broken hearted of cries
Evokes from You any kind of reply

I have no place in society
Yet Death does not take me
Nor does Lucifer have any need
And You as well, must have stopped listening.