…Sparing you a long rant, I’m pretty good with dealing with external hurts and problems- because most things seem like nothing when normal emotional responses are usually drowned out by constant inner battle. Of course I tried and wish the best for Uly.. But I have enough guilt in my life that I can’t afford to bear that too. I guess talking about it for the first time though, it sounds more sad than I had thought it would. But I think that back then- that was six or seven years ago- a part of my heart was alive and well intact that I think I lost somewhere in the last few years. Like no thing or no one can even touch me anymore, in any way. Life has always been hard, as it is for everyone; but I never could have imagined it being as impossible as it has become, or that I would fail entirely. What’s that song… ‘Now in the morning I sleep alone, and sweep the streets I used to own.’ So I confess to often being numb to things that should upset me, or would most people- as I’ve often been told or observed in others.”
“I think that part of your heart is still there, just temporarily frozen or hiding.”
“Oh the eternal optimist- but we’ll compliment eachother. Or that part was murdered. Probably by me. There weren’t enough resources to go around.”
“What else did you read that stood out to you?” She suddenly focused past me out at the creeping oak. “Uh oh, it’s an omen Kat…” she laughed.
A murder of crows, nearly a hundred strong had crowded together in the boughs of the oak closest to the window.
“I’m actually legitimately freaked out….”she added. But that was usually an easy thing to do.
“They don’t usually do that?”
“I’ve never seen it before.”
After that day, it became a regular occurrence.
“Oh your last question…” I said, still turned about in the armchair observing the rowdy crows. “I suppose I was actually surprised to realize just how much of my life I’ve spent alone- in the literal sense, not just the feeling. I guess by bad luck or prohibition as a kid, not really being liked as a teen- or visa versa, and half choice/half circumstance as an adult. I realized I’ve always been one to go months without seeing or hardly talking to anyone. Given, I was forcibly homeschooled after 12, and the little time I managed to spend in schooling systems afterward, I remained unspoken about how foolish and shallow I felt most of my peers were- and they were evidently afraid of me, that I was going to sacrifice their cat to Satan or something; so other than the time spent with Caden- which was a major adjustment for me- most all of the interaction I’ve had with people in my life has been over chat on the computer, whether I ever met them in person or not. But then again as a teen, I always got my ass grounded for months, so then I didn’t talk to anyone. But it became very clear reading through all that old stuff that I didn’t seem to proceed by any semblance of a normal child to adult progression or events of growing up. ”
“That’s becoming more common in this age, unfortunately- the virtual communication part. Did you purposely avoid people? There are other things you could have done to meet people.”
“Not always. As a kid I usually played with my brother or beat the neighborhood boys- not because I had a crush though, probably to prove that female wasn’t the weaker sex- as I’d long been taught and treated, ” I laughed. “Up until about 15 I really enjoyed being with some people- I read all about that. But it’s kind of sad looking back now with a bit more discernment and realizing that I wasted my childhood and teenage years on people that left me out and treated me like shit. I guess I didn’t know anything else to know better.”
“What changed at 15?”
“Oh, that was when I was hospitalized for the first time. The day before, I tried to get the group together one last time- infrequently as I saw them anyway. I didn’t tell them where I was going, as I was testing them- and they had ditched me by the time I got to the meet spot. So I left for nearly four months in UCLA neuropsychiatric hospital, where I wrote each of the five of them letters saying that I was finally done with them, that all the years were enough for me to finally see that things would never change and I was fooling myself to think that I ever had any place with them. Only one ever responded to their letter, of which then nothing changed. I concluded that they were perhaps too young to understand courtesy, reciprocation, or honesty; and they were all too caught up in whoever they were dating and I was left out or the spare wheel. So that was when I started only spending time with people significantly older than myself- of which my parents condemned until some years later when they realized they couldn’t stop me.”