3.19 free write2

I only came to make sure you were okay because I’m so afraid to ever stay

I don’t even know how to explain because it doesn’t make sense on most days

Why it feels this way all the time, the something gnawing inside that no comfort can pacify

Because the truth is that today I’m so afraid of everything

There is no saving equation, Seems like it’ll never be okay again

They say the only constant is the changing tide and I’m thinking they’re right

because it’s always growing consuming out of control and truth be told I already saw the end of this road

And I can’t even manage myself, when everything done just adds to a specific hell

Who am I kidding, it doesn’t matter how long’s spent waiting and wishing, when this just is what it is

Who I am, having become so weak and defeated with all the warnings now screaming at me

Failure is familiar but I wish for once it could be more, something worth reaching and working for

Did you know you’re still always in my mind and I wonder the reasons why I feel this way despite so distant an idea

But nothing’s ever normal with me, nothing makes sense and it seems it’s the way it has to be

I am always

So many things

But you are always

A part of me

Never doubt that’s how I feel, but in my world I can’t even tell what’s real

And I’m so afraid in my wars that always take me away by force

Living in an insane wonderland, that I’m not sure anyone could understand

And I wonder if you could love the real me, or only the idea

Or wonder how much you care, what you feel, and I always doubt that you’ll still be there if time can really heal

But I don’t think anything can and I’m just running away from the simple truth that I’d never make it back

Why do I love you so much

Why do I have to look so foolish

When I’m so afraid of everything I touch.


3.16 free write

Six years now I’ve wandered these places, just like the old man had said

All hopes disappeared and forsaken, nothing but this staff in my hand

Just like You had planned, or was this just me and You have abandoned

I climbed up on my mountain and said how much longer will You turn around and forget, You let me lose everything, with nothing to replace it

“Do You even see me now, are you really looking down

Do you know my heart or was it lost back at the Start?”

And You broke open a space in the clouds blackening the day, to send a single ray to illuminate that high place

And the valleys were dark and I thought I had finally caught Your attention, Though I didn’t have to travel so far, I’ve got so many questions

“I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and if I do I’m awoken by my screams, I desire to keep no company and I’ve given up all of these things; they are as nothing to me

I loathe each day more than these words will ever explain, I hate the feelings in my skin, but I’m trapped within them

I’ve fallen under a curse where nothing I do to change ever fucking works

And all common sense of rules and mechanics make me their sole exception, having to run so far each day just to slow my regression

Why let me live just to fantasize about the minute You’ll finally let me die

And not hold it against me to my condemnation, when I want to kill myself and You know me well, there’s no room left for patience

Give Your blessings to someone else, and save these lessons for my younger self, I am gone and dead for all accounts, they’ll never know me again, so send someone else

Why bring me from the womb when You knew I would so quickly be consumed

The drugs can’t help me anymore when I’ve exhausted their use, it’s come time we settle this score as I cannot any longer make due

What even still is good, give me direction to do what I should, then let me be dismissed, because I can’t handle this!”

And all You say is hey look at these birds, as You send them onwards, ever in twos of all different colors

Does that even mean anything, or are You just looking at me and laughing

I know Your cares and priorities are not mine, but cannot You spare me this one thing I’m crying

These months have been torture, I’ve been standing upon the border

I lose my mind and then refind it again only to start right back where I began

Hemmed in, a stranger to myself and everybody else, what is even left to try and escape my hell?

I’ve gone to insane extremes only to find I can’t change anything

Much more than three times I’ve laid out my fleece, and I’m just surprised God listens to me

I know You’re not supposed to test Him so much to prove Himself , but I figure what’s the worst He can do to one who’d already tried to kill themself

And He granted each specification of my proposed tests, requiring they be inane and inconsequential, but they were done nonetheless

So I know there is God, though I can be tempted to throw it out, when life keeps on fucking me and I can’t live it down

I just don’t get His ways or this world, or why He’d give a shit about a whiny bitter girl

But let everything stay the same, while death keeps on taking only the good ones away

When I’m no one and dust and damn far from just, and these are the ones He lets live on to rust

So on I just wander and mourn what is lost, with too much time to ponder for all the thorns I’ve got.

3.10 free write

Why when I look around does it feel just like an end, when there were things that were supposed to still happen

A future so hypothetical with no application of reality, like we’re all just killing the time waiting for something we’ll never find

Like they’re just waiting for their kids to get better, and their son or daughter waiting for better weather

Taking our time and I’m watching more lines showing up on everyone’s faces, while still getting nowhere in all their races, just waiting and chasing for some way to change things

Always looking to tomorrow, hoping for what’s so far, when really all there ever is are the moments we discard

Wishing they meant something more than they do, to me, to you, ideas we hold on to

I’ll be the first to admit I make this mistake, unimpressed by everything, I just sit wasting my life away

Because it all looks and feels the same, and I know I’m not the only one who sees the stupid game

I think ignorance is bliss as is emptyheadedness, it seems the secret to surrender or to enjoy the little that life renders

And you’re lucky if you find yourself a good thing, someone or anything to hold or worth chasing

Perhaps the mundane would be more understood to me, were it that it did not always sting

Always stealing the awareness such that in these dealings I could not care less

And I watch everyone near in my life and wonder how they can appear so occupied, fully engrossed in whatever pursuit, with no nagging host to sever their to do’s

Or people speak of distraction, as though there’s only one track in each moments dues, I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do

How do they make it look so easy to not remember, how do they block out all the voices hanging in the silence, surely they hear them, don’t they?

Can they hear my thoughts like theirs are screaming in my head, is it even possible or should I too pretend

That I’m in this moment and not a thousand miles away, that I even give a shit about the things for which we wait

I guess I’m not at all excited because I don’t operate in the same ways, seems to me we’ve passed the highs and all that remains is slow decay

Perhaps I’m just a pessimist who needs to be proven wrong, I haven’t been incorrect just yet but I’d love to change my song

I’d love to believe that there is a future to be had and made, that everything’s not just taking too long to shatter and disintegrate

I knew if you want something, you ought to go for it today, but if you want nothing, it’s only a waiting game

And I desire nothing that can ever be had, so all the time I’m wasting, I hope I’ll never want back.

Free Write 3.1

It’s all going to sound the same for me to ever say anything more

But sometimes I still feel that I owe explanation of some sort

But I don’t care because God is here but He’s not there

And they talk to me all the time but nothing they say ever changes my mind

It’s not that I don’t want to feel better, it’s just I know I’ll never get my shit together

Who am I kidding, this is who I am, and at a certain point there was no way back

I’ve come to terms with this and all that has happened

that I’ll always live alone as it is, fine just not happy

But not because I’m lonely, but that it’s the only thing that’s feasible

When life has become so goddamn unreasonable and I can’t seen to explain it to anyone

I can’t have them see what I’ve become when I don’t care for trying to just get over it any longer

Depression is a weak word, just like all of them

That we can hide behind, pretending that inside we’re just fine

I keep the fight most times but all I want to do is close the blinds

And all I feel are these two things, longing for a world of fantasy and searching for the ending

Because I’m tired and the situation’s redemption long expired

Its worn a million years of wear into my flesh so riddled with despair

So I don’t know what I’m waiting for, there is no more moving forward

Clearly we have arrived, just wasting away for a better time

That will never be, as Time steals everything

The obvious mention that life is cold and unfair, but it is to most so perhaps it is there

I just can’t understand how anything is worth it to the world

As impossible for me to see through anything but the tint of what’s so long been reality for me

And they don’t fucking get it and I won’t try to explain one more time

Either the problem is I’m the only one who doesn’t see things right

Or the situations really do so contrast that they can’t fucking fathom the place that I am at

God let me know or understand, why do You leave me here, forsaken and abandoned

Though You said You never would, what difference does it make if it’s all subjective of what is good

Because life is fucking bitter and cruel, useless and agonizing, though I know we’re all just tools

For purposes my heart has grown cold to, whatever the fuck then die is all I want to do

I’ve tried everything you can’t even imagine, all for fucking nothing

I will never be free!

Why do you still even listen to me

Who hears me, who sees

Why do You preserve my life when I only beg to die

Deal making, risk taking, to try and compensate for an irreconcilable fate

That I fucking hate

Why stay to waste away, let the last blows fall

Come and break me down into the pieces that are already so damn small.

2.10 free write

I really need to talk but I don’t know what to say

I can’t seem to sort these thoughts out from normal to inane

It feels that’s where I’m at and it’s getting very close

What’s real, have I gone mad, would you even want to know

It’s so fucking loud and it never goes away

It’s just trying to get out and it’s making me insane

I need someone who understands what’s near impossible to explain

But I don’t think they can, though many have thought the same

I need to silence my mind, what’s consuming me alive

And I never would’ve dreamed it could be this bad inside

I don’t want to feel this way, I can’t become this person

But all I hear, see, and feel is the pain, and I can’t bear this burden

Can you hear me, I’m screaming so loud

But not a single word ever seems to come out

And I just act like I’m crazy and losing my touch

The facts they get hazy and I’ve run out of fucks

I don’t want to try anymore, I’ve done it ten thousand times before

And each time around just feels like dying a little more

It sounds so dramatic and to you it’s all the same

Well maybe I’m just an addict in a pursuit that’s all in vain

Why do you care, maybe I’ll be the one to make you stop

It’s hard to believe You’re there, I’m not cut out for this job

I’m not strong enough anymore to hold up what this has become

And with every year gone forward, I see never to be undone

Does everybody feel this way, and I’m the only one who can’t take the weight?

How did I get to where I am now, how do I get out?

I need to open my mouth and let it all out, because it’s literally killing me so damn slow

But my mind is too faded, my thoughts are so jaded, who would listen to me ramble on so

I feel like every little thing times a thousand has become altogether too much

I’ve been resisting but inching while inside my soul is twisting at the thought that I’m destined to jump

I don’t want to fight anymore

Though I know that I’ve said this before

And they wonder how I manage to act as I did

Because I’m so far past the edge, that I don’t give a shit

When this tension never lessens nor does it sleep, unprecedented, it tortures and follows me

I needed some rest, a place to lay my head

Something to make me feel anything but this dread

but now I don’t know if I will ever feel again

Even with all the time to heal and try to be different.

1.17 free write

Me, myself, and the drugs make three

All pretty fucked up but you can’t always change things

Some things just are

But that’s not all,

I know that there’s beauty in this world that still remains

But days like today all I can feel’s the pain

I’ve been weaving a web of lies and don’t know how to make it better

I’ve been thinking about it a long time and decided to write this letter

Sometimes intricate deception is really only a method of protection

I’m tired and done with being pushed around

I’ve learned these lessons, I’m no longer a child now

You think you know best, and I candidly welcome your suggestion

But when you push and overstep you’re tempting my aggression

Call me the most stubborn bitch around

But it’s because I’ve lived it out

That when I follow others decisions for me, in the end

I’m then the one left with the damage to mend

Wasting more of my time, losing my ground, just toiling away to make up for it now

You don’t even know me, I’m not your fucking kid

Do you really believe I’ve no knowledge of what I did?

I’m fully aware and waiver the risks and I really don’t care even if it did

Were not all a textbook case, so take a step back for the next look made

Because you weren’t there

It’s not like this mess occured in a year

You can reiterate how something should or should not be a certain way

Or this is that and how that’s just a matter of fact- but it doesn’t always work like that

Sometimes there’s simply a price to pay for any benefit in the necessary way

And its a cost of which I’m willing it’s wage

I don’t have to justify to you

Why I decide what I do

You can’t just walk right in all incidental and expect me to throw away all my accomplishment, albeit incremental

I don’t believe in miracles anymore, I’ve believed too many times to failure before

If you can help, show me

But don’t expect me to leap off cliffs with no knowing

Does God talk you? Maybe He does me too- but I wonder who’s hearing who?

I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m not gonna wait for anything twice

And for more than an hour long, for no one now but God

This is my answer to your questions, having run out of patience

I make no demands but that you sequester your expectations.

1.15 free write

What do I do when even the smallest hope I had falls through

There’s nothing left to hold on to

I thought there could be something for me

Turns out I’m deceived if I believe there can be anything but misery

I don’t understand what You’re putting me through

As if I can really talk back to ask why You do as You do

Maybe I’m holding on in vain to what I only believe is safe

Maybe my perspective has grown myopic

so subjective I don’t even see my own options

But it feels like I’ve already tried most everything else

Just so that I can hide and delay facing my hell

And when I think I descry a distant glimmer of light

Its quickly stolen away, leaving me nothing in its place

But the long past so full of tormenting memories

That I’ll never have back, but for the thorn of its haunting entity

Do I lie, so unlike me, just to try and keep what’s left inside me

Maybe I’m wrong, but I may be right, maybe it’s too far gone for me to save my life

And I’m looking up so maladjusted, just thinking of how I’ve never trusted

Anyone but myself, because they tried but couldn’t help

It always looks hopeless at the end, and that no one will ever know me again

Do my eyes not see right, as I’m wasting all my time

Do I recall correct, or do my assessments tend to forget

Maybe they’re right, that I’m just afraid to see, I may be terrified but could you really blame me

No I don’t think they know me

I want to get better, not just settle

I want to get closer, not just over

I want to disappear, to leave all my fears right here

But buried so deep within my skin, all of these secrets, I’d never let them in

I’ve got to ascend to higher heights, challenge the limits of my mind

But all in the same, somewhere I’ve lost my flame, and I don’t really care for continuing this game

When I’m so disillusioned and confused and all my solutions just end up losing

I’m sorry that it’s so hard for me to believe that the past so far could ever stop its repeat

I need You to show me this, I need You to remember

That of everywhere I’ve been, I’ll ever see a new December.