Old Fragments, August 27th 2006

I’m sick of having to play so mature

When I’m just a girl with no face in the world

No one can know another’s joy or sorrow

Nothing lives up to it when words died so long ago

But the more time in the corner that I waste

Just trying to make something seem okay

It all just gets worse

Though somewhere up above, I know I am heard

I continue to run but fall even further-

To a place where there are no words left

Where all that is needed is someone to hold me in the silence

Giving up on speech

just to touch, feel, hear and see

Because everything else always feels the same

All the wasted words, being the only change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.11 free write

There are two sides to everything

Every story; To you, to me

There are two sides to everyone

One we hide, and one we try to love

A coin with two faces

the same, but opposites adjacent

Revealing both the bad and good

Don’t let that be misunderstood

For perhaps not feeling the way you should

There are two, ever at war

Pushing and pulling

But never knowing what for

One side is you, the other me

One to choose, one to lose

And both incomplete. 

8.9 free write

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

Nothing comes so easily

As to just not explain

When I can’t say

Anything But to stay away

And I go my way then

Alone and content 
I don’t know what’s wrong with me

I can’t play well with company 

Brimming with passion and rage

One or the other, no normal days

Everything’s just for a day

But I waste one more anyway
I don’t know what’s wrong with me

When I can’t seem to just fucking behave

Push it all under, swallow another mundane conversation
Why can’t I care

For what 

For whom I should

It’s all so fucking stupid

Or is everyone but me

Just that good? 
I don’t want to convey such narcissism 

So I stay where I belong

And have always felt since

I’ve been the same all along

Just a weary, reckless bitch.

 

8.5

I’ve lost all hope a thousand times before 

But with every fall, it’s a little more

No one knows just how deep these hooks go

But I do

I don’t know how to break these chains

Because I’ve tried and prayed everything

I am on my way down to the grave

So
God forgive me, for all that I am

And teach me, to be more than human

Cuz I am living at the end of my life

And I know that I am going to die
Was it always meant to be this way

I have wondered every single day

I tried so hard to right my mistakes

But I never thought that I’d pay

A price so high

With my life
I know I can’t break these chains

Tried a thousand times, there is no way

I’m on my way down to the grave 

I fought the war and washed the blood away each day

Just to find that there was no other way

You are the only one who knows my pain

So
God deliver me, from all that I all

And relieve me from being human

Cuz I am living in my last days

And without a miracle

I will fade away
I’m sorry that I would throw my life away

But all I want to find anymore is an escape

Never thought it could get so bad

That all I want is to forfeit all I have

Just know with this breath now

You’re not the only one that I’ve let down
God forgive me, for all that I am

And teach me, to be more than human

Cuz I am living the end of my life

And I know that I am going to die. 

7.28 

Where is passion, where is hope

Where have gone all the things I used to know

How vast is the illusion we use to keep us moving

I need a one to hold on to, a new proposed solution
Watch on the breeze

Day after day in the same routine

Circle and separate 

that’s all love had to say

We’re forever chasing after

What we’ll never capture
The fire is getting low

But I still live in tomorrow

Better to count to five and leave my mind behind

For the scariest beast only resides between two eyes

And in the end all we have is consequence

So in the moment make it your best
Lost on the breeze

Day after day in the same routine

Circle and separate 

that’s all love has to say

We’re forever chasing after

What we’ll never capture
Everything has grown old

And I’m afraid there’ll be no more. 

7.27 Free Write

Thousands of pages and they don’t say a thing

Just documented ages that never end in anything

All having gotten so far away from everything

That it doesn’t matter anymore what tomorrow brings

I’d throw it all away

Just to never have to wake and face another day

For so terribly much Nothing 

This is a war with no victor

No matter what I do

I’m the only one who’ll lose

A hundred pills and a steel self-will

You can try to tear apart every part before you kill

But in the end, I know I never will

We’re all working through our hells up this useless hill

Getting steeper still with every season

And I’m getting weaker because there’s no reason

To keep breathing just to suffer

Keep needing for another

Day that 

I throw it all away anyway

Just to make it through another day

I sacrifice all my flesh and vein

But I’d cut them all away

Just to get out of another day

I guess this is the way that I disappear

To get out of a play that I can’t see clear

But I don’t care 

For every bone I break

I may make it another inch

But stop and take a breath for just a fucking minute

And you lose all of it

So I would quit

Cuz I’m about to snap

Do something stupid that I can’t take back

But I can’t step back

Because Im trapped

There are no new words, only different faces

Only misheard in all the same old places

So I throw it all away just to make another day

Feeling alone cuz I can never seem break away or through

From the deepest part of me

The only thing that really seems true. 

7.20 free write

Do you feel like you’re living the end so slow

The clock on the wall blurs when you’re waiting without hope 

You stand back and you realize In the midst

Just how quick and short lived it is

Who would’ve thought any of us would end up like this? 
Moments lost as soon as they’re had

All there is or will ever be, and who knows a way back?

A story that’s over as soon as it’s told

Only tears and strands of memories remain for us to hold

If you ever find a way out of this cage

Take me with you, take me away from this place
I try to get a grip on it

But I’m trapped in a memory where I can’t live

I sit alone through the years, pen in hand

Because now it seems we’re staring down the end

Who would have thought it would come to this? 
I heard a whisper an age ago

Still left to do, so don’t lose hope

But now it’s over and all were doing is growing older

Who can show me something new

No, there’s nothing here left to do
Moments lost as soon as they’re had

All there is or will ever be, and who knows a way back?

A story that’s over as soon as it’s told

Only tears and strands of memories remain for us to hold

If you ever find a way out of this cage

Take me with you, take me away from this place
So sign the last letters

With the ink of red that we’ve all bled

So the words were written 

And will remain on the walls within

they’ll be torn down one day

But only once it’s too late to break the fall of the bearers gone before

This was your place, this was your thorn
Who would have thought we’d be living in the final chapter descending

Who could’ve predicted such a sad, bitter ending?