5.14


They throw these words around so goddamn easily

I don’t think they know about what it even means

Are you standing on a street corner now

Not remembering at all

How it came about

Or where you are

After driving in the dark

You can’t take a breath

And holding on so tight

Just to draw one more in your chest

But then you lose your eyesight

How can you fight

How will you ever get home now

But nowhere’s home, you’re by yourself

Just wanting to stay on the ground

But you’re floating up and looking down now

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be saved

But you can’t let yourself

Need anyone or thing

When you’ve gotten so far away

And can’t find reality

Someone’s lips are moving

But you can’t hear anything

Longing just to feel

But floating too surreal

The terror and pain inescapable at your heels

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be loved

But no one can make you whole

Because you’ve lost your fucking soul

We throw these words around

And I know we’re lonely now

But how can one get out

When no one can pull you back down?

Indefinitely

You know, I would have stayed

Definitely

I wouldn’t have left you alone

Unless you had asked me to go

Even then, I would likely try and pretend

That It didn’t hurt me as much as it did
I know the signals are always mixed

In the midst of difficult circumstances

But when it comes to how much you matter to me

I said what I meant, not just what was convenient

But I’m also imperfect and will never have an apology that’s flawless

For all of the times I’ll surely say something thoughtless

I wish that I could read your mind so that I could make it better

and be what you needed right then

But I can’t if you are unwilling to help me understand

I know not everything I say is easy to hear

And I have my many faults that I’ll own for sure

But not a word I wrote was ever meant to hurt

I’m always willing to apologize a thousand times, and try my best to change

but can’t if you don’t tell me what I did to cause you pain

I’ll always believe in working out conflicts and misunderstandings

But you just leave again, without saying anything

And I’m left just to wonder a hundred other things

If we are both stones- stubborn and unknown, each again on our own-

You must be a  Playa Desert stone

For I’ve never seen one quite so apt to get up and go

Though I know I can be too

So I may get that part of you

Or perhaps I’m just too young to apprehend the truth

I want to understand you, but could you me too?

I may have A Lesser Darkness dwelling within

Like most of us; but mine is less hidden

We all have our light and our dark

but I had hoped that you could see my heart

And know that light always shines through

I said I love you

And that never changes or goes away

Even in the midst of the highs and lows we all face

Just as the ocean always remains

It is calm and steady, but rages in the same

For the rivers and tides ever ebb and flow

but always return to where they were meant to go

I don’t want to dog you too much

But I thought you would be as close and for as long

As I would Indefinitely be able to carry on

Or be somewhere near

All whether it’s never- six months, or a year

I won’t take or place the blame on anyone

I often feel foolish, feeling like the only one

Who in some subtle way is always holding on

I forget a lot of facts, but never can a face

I’m always looking back on those who just won’t stay

So I’m writing again for you

It’s the last thing I can do

I don’t why you affect me like you do

Surely you must know how deeply this hurts me too

Of course I’ll still be here waiting for you

And for impermanence

Because everything worth it is always

Indefinite.

Riding On the Wings of the Morning

 

 

I’m feeling seriously uninspired and don’t feel like writing.

Or talking.

Or breathing.

But I’m committed to unblocking this throat chakra.

I can barely contain my enthusiasm. 

Let’s see…
Still going out to the frequency healing center every couple days. The visits thereafter mostly consist of sitting in a cushy armchair for a couple hours at a time, with electrodes on my wrist, or chest, etc. What feels like electricity pulsing though my chest is rather interesting. There’s also a working Tesla coil, which was intriguing to be able to experience the tangible energy pulsating through the air- though I kept losing track of my intention,

for reasons. 

I thought it rather peculiar how people come in through there to get their frequencies like it’s their daily cup of coffee. At times, sitting in the little white brick room with no windows for hours can make me rather restless, especially when the lights are also dimmed- though it’s definitely nothing complaint-worthy. I’ve met a handful of people with everything from Lyme to Cancer- mostly claiming that after as much as 40 years of searching for relief, that Mr. Beautiful Human is the only person who has been able to help (or cure) them. So I guess I’ll stick with this kind of voodoo for now.

I can’t help but still think about this particular older couple I spent a couple hours next to. She came in looking very badly- practically carried into the room. When she came around a bit more, they were discussing what to get for dinner- A fairly mundane conversation- yet I was so taken aback by the way that they Interacted, and the way he spoke to her was so remarkably telling that they’d been together a lifetime. His speech was calm and compassionate, most markedly devoid of the subtle exasperation that I typically hear in people’s words towards someone consistently not feeling well- and I’ve been around a lot of sick people. Given, perhaps he’s not always like that- but his wife allayed that suspicion. It was just something that brought up many vivid memories for me.  I couldn’t help but interrupt their discussion of steak to shake his hand and tell him,

“You Sir, are the possessor of a dying temperament. Keep it up,” and laugh because I probably looked like a sentimental sap.

He grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said “Everything’s going to be OK. You’ve got a great mind that someone’s going to love. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise- you’ve got this.”

                                  OK old man, please don’t make me cry anymore. 👌

So the nosey little imp that I can be when it comes to personal stories- I found out that they’d been together for 48 years- since they were 20, and she had been severely ill with Lyme disease for 40 years before coming there. Her immune system and consequent health was further destroyed by the years of intense antibiotic regimes she had been prescribed for the Borrelia spirochetes- a thing I thankfully had refused to do, despite minor opposition. When her husband left the room she echoed many of the things I’ve said myself, regarding suicidality, self-guilt, a lot of broken relationships due to misunderstanding, and feeling like a burden- weighing down the potential life of her tirelessly patient husband.

 

As far as results from the frequencies, I must say that I did feel better after the very first treatment even. I woke up the next morning pain-free, clear- headed, and full of a fidgety, positive energy. My fever was down a degree, and I didn’t have any nausea. It was amazing to have even a couple days of feeling more normal than I have in a long time.

 

I couldn’t believe- is this how people actually feel?
Because it was fucking amazing.
I realized then that I seriously had forgotten what it felt like, to just be OK; to be able to be in control my own mind and body, instead of one or the other severely crippling my ability to do even the simplest thing without extensive effort or impairment.                                        I understand now why most people don’t understand me- or think that they do and therein attack me for whatever spiritual/emotional malady I supposedly have that week. For the last couple years I’ve continually asked and examined myself for in the case that I was simply losing discipline, self control, or becoming a generally weak person. I see now that the reality isn’t such, but is that slowly, insidiously; what I’ve been pushing through has really become that much heavier to bear.

Unfortunately, the bad days came back after those few good days- but I’m trying to believe that it’s a process with setbacks and that I’ll continue to regain my health and independence. But at least in those couple days I was finally able to gain some lucid perspective and strengthen my own resolve to fight for myself.

February 1st Free Write

The mirror had no reflection for those many years
I would stand there, touching glass, my eyes betraying tears
I couldn’t see past
The worth I measured myself against
That I was as much as my accomplishments
Meanwhile ever patient and compassionate to any other one
When maybe I was the one needing and worthy of love
And I was deceived- listening to the voices attacking me
Condemning, shaming
subtly hating and breaking
But I’m listening this time
To the whisper and the chill inside
Sparking from the base of my skull down along my spine
Beckoning, begging, pouring  out it all
To brush fates with any higher call
And to see again
As sanctified spirit, flesh, and bone.

January 30th Thoughts

I saw you on the other side of this wide river
I called to you to cross over and meet with me
I see you weeping
With pain in your hands
I’ve always felt your suffering
And I swear I understand
I’m calling out to say
That you will see the answers face to face
All of your fears will dissipate
Just wait for the day
And when you lie undone
Just stay and look up to the sun
When the remaining stars in your heart
have all fallen and gone dark
I will hold you in my arms
And remind you of who you are to me
When the waters run too deep
I will be your safety
come out on the waters and swim with me
You will cross over, wait and see
I’m calling out to say
That you will see the answers face to face
All of your fears will dissipate
I’ll wash away your tears
And take your pains- just wait
Wait for the day

***

It’s amazing to me just how vividly
one can visit the oldest memories
But at the same, a cursed thing
Iliciting a view of the past
A dangerous place for a gaze to rest
But when the songs which once elated my spirit so
And the sights and sounds which once resounded with the purity of hope
Now evoke a whisper and a stroke of misery
I know of which never again shall be
As when we were such young, innocent beings
Filled with light and loving wondering
Simply caught upon the breeze
blowing gently in-between
Your heart and mine
Beating in being seen
So lost yet completely free
Underneath that rainbow encircled sun
I’ve only ever seen but that once
As if maybe everything would be okay
And fairytales could be real within this place
But now we’re grown and like we were made to know
Surreal isn’t the way it actually goes
And I can only feel pure when I am submersed in the painful melodies that I hear
When fate draws me here.

January 12th Free Write

Would you think me crazy
Would you think less of me?
Who can I fairly tell
But a stranger, in vague detail?
What’s the best way to say
That I’m afraid-
Have I actually gone crazy?
Or am I just the only one who sees the world this way?
It’s happening with increasing frequency
They’re pressing in with increasing force
to show themselves through the mortal door
Trying to frighten me
Now It’s an everyday thing
Do you see?
Are you even listening?
The doctors would drug me away faster than my head is already spinning
I can’t sleep
It won’t leave me be
What do you want with ME?
I must be doing something terribly wrong or right
To attract so much unwanted company tonight!

***

I’m so accustomed to You calling my name through the noise
That I can still hear Your still small voice
Echoing in this dark, lost, unfamiliar void
Embracing patiently, waiting for me to come back again
You’re in every sound masked by the wind
Every faint, gentle whispering held inside
Reverberating through the corners of my mind
And for how quickly I am dying
On You I will set my eyes
From the very first to the last time
You are my heart’s one desire.

January 11th Free Write

Silly Boy- you think that you’re in love…
But It’s just your drug
A one you’ll never get enough of
And just like anything that goes on for long
You begin to wonder what’s going wrong
When the novelty wears off
When it doesn’t reflect what you hold within yourself
You’ll only know it’s love
When you’d walk through hell
When the synapse resists
And the high runs dry
But she still tries
Sometimes the years do fall into their place- Many can attest
Boy, she can hold and affirm you- feel your heart beat against your chest
Silence in the moment
Your hurt
But what do you really know about her?
Do you know her fears, her secrets
Her tears, her regrets?
You never knew, for you never asked
You never have, for you never had
She can’t save you
When all you damn need
Is someone to see you for once
Through the consuming empty
You’re grasping to fill
With the next hit
Poised to kill.