1.15 free write

What do I do when even the smallest hope I had falls through

There’s nothing left to hold on to

I thought there could be something for me

Turns out I’m deceived if I believe there can be anything but misery

I don’t understand what You’re putting me through

As if I can really talk back to ask why You do as You do

Maybe I’m holding on in vain to what I only believe is safe

Maybe my perspective has grown myopic

so subjective I don’t even see my own options

But it feels like I’ve already tried most everything else

Just so that I can hide and delay facing my hell

And when I think I descry a distant glimmer of light

Its quickly stolen away, leaving me nothing in its place

But the long past so full of tormenting memories

That I’ll never have back, but for the thorn of its haunting entity

Do I lie, so unlike me, just to try and keep what’s left inside me

Maybe I’m wrong, but I may be right, maybe it’s too far gone for me to save my life

And I’m looking up so maladjusted, just thinking of how I’ve never trusted

Anyone but myself, because they tried but couldn’t help

It always looks hopeless at the end, and that no one will ever know me again

Do my eyes not see right, as I’m wasting all my time

Do I recall correct, or do my assessments tend to forget

Maybe they’re right, that I’m just afraid to see, I may be terrified but could you really blame me

No I don’t think they know me

I want to get better, not just settle

I want to get closer, not just over

I want to disappear, to leave all my fears right here

But buried so deep within my skin, all of these secrets, I’d never let them in

I’ve got to ascend to higher heights, challenge the limits of my mind

But all in the same, somewhere I’ve lost my flame, and I don’t really care for continuing this game

When I’m so disillusioned and confused and all my solutions just end up losing

I’m sorry that it’s so hard for me to believe that the past so far could ever stop its repeat

I need You to show me this, I need You to remember

That of everywhere I’ve been, I’ll ever see a new December.

Advertisements

1.14 free write

I never really know what to do

Because dreams don’t usually ever come true

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you get or how hard you try

You can jump from any ledge but aren’t guaranteed to fly

I’m running in circles just hoping for a change someday that maybe isn’t even meant for me

Maybe it’s always been my time but I don’t have the strength to change my mind

For all the same hurts and disappointment

Perhaps I’ll never become what I remember I had once been

It seems too far from my reach

It’s getting so hard and quite boring

Expending so much energy just to stay in the same place

Trying so hard, ending up back at the start, and wanting nothing at all anymore in my heart

I’m fine, it’s just another day

But inside I can’t let go of what I pray

For a miracle, or something meaningful

To make up for all I have lost, and there’s a lot

I want so to change, that I don’t recognize my own face

I want to be taken away so far from this place

Too sick to stay but too tired to leave

These useless behaviors no longer achieve

Anything worth having, there’s nothing to gain

And for all of this sadness, I’m the only one I blame

But so are all our curses, I don’t know how they make it worth it

When it tortures me all of the time

Getting more towards an end that’s like dying

What’s to do next with all this revelation and reflection

Now that I realize my best isn’t enough to change my direction?

1.7 free write

How will I ever find my way to live

In a margin that’s always been so thin

Not a step to the right nor left, not even a tiny bit

Or it all comes crashing down, in a fight so precarious

How will I ever live

with so much of my mind captive

A balancing tightrope walk

one where I’m bound to fall

My bones are just dust

my soul old and rusted

From all my time wasted

holding in vain to what’s faded

No matter how I try, I’m losing more of my grip

I could never keep what I find, and flesh is destined to rip

In these excruciating little increments

I try to be strong

pushing beyond where most could press on

But I can only hold up this weight for so long

How can I learn to just deal with it

I don’t remember it feeling like this

There’s nothing left for anything or anyone else

With all that I’ve kept just trying to save myself

With a discipline of precision

I’ve lived within this prison

Because I can never leave

What lives inside of me

I can never walk away

When I need it everyday

But I know You understand

My ways and my pain

More than anyone can

I hear You, I see You

I’m trying to get through

But when the remedy’s so heavy

I don’t know how I’ll ever keep steady

A cycle in which I’m exhausted

but if I stop for a minute I’ve lost it

Like Sisyphus, going nowhere And fast

I’m so damn sick of this, but somehow I’ve gotta last

But this mountain’s so tall

and the days they just fall

And I’m running so far

to go nowhere at all.

1.5 free write

I sit in the silence that’s fallen all around

Thinking to myself, what now?

I have gone where I do not want to go

Done what no one will ever know

Surrender my wants, walking through my deepest fears

And held my ground for so long, just to waste all my years

There’s nothing I care about

So what could possibly come now?

Every day I meet means naught to me, for I dread each of their coming

I know I can never go back to my life that has forever passed

And that is enough to lose any hope to be had

You know I’ll never get over it with a smile

Though it’s already been a long, long while

All temporal joy buried in the ground

So what now?

The wound never seems too heal, nor the burden ever feel any different

The torment never grows more palatable, as the pain never dulls

And I can neither see nor imagine how it could ever be worthwhile again

When it seems a permanent business that discomfort be my closest companion

And there is no rest for me inside, only knowing the best places to hide

But it’s there too, even after all that I’ve tried to do

To change, reason, or distract; to bring some kind of meaning to this useless place I’m at

I can’t recall what anything feels like

All I feel is this

Now what?

I’ve let go of my heart and mind, while watching depart all my desires

I seek nothing but the freedom denied me

Always being hunted by what lies inside me

Always in wait, my peace being it’s prey

And by will or fate, I am left with what I hate

All vain pursuit within sight but ever out of reach

All remaining is the fight, with nothing new to teach

Don’t leave me here to my imminent end!

You win, I surrender

I give up

Now what?

1.3 free write

I’m so afraid of what they’ll say,

What happens if they try to take it all away

Please don’t send me back to where I came

After all this fight for every little step of the way

I may not be right, but it seems like the only way

I never want to feel so helpless again

Though I already do, but a different

form of it

But in my head lingers it’s inevitability

That I can’t keep running from what’s headed for me

No one knows quite the lengths to which I’ll go

To try to evade what one day I will not escape from though

I never want to feel my skin again

But forever couldn’t make it any different

Do I plead my case and fight to bide more time

Or surrender and face the nightmare that is mine

I tried so hard to reconcile the score

Taking extremes unheard of before

Just to breathe again for one minute

But in the end will I be conquered by it

Both I and it are simply a time bomb that continues to tick

How far will I make it before detonating all of this shit

There never were any answers

When the laws of the universe continue to elude me

And circumvent all meaning or reasoning

I can’t keep using Band-Aids

I’m wasting my life away

But a thousand ways I tried to escape

And there is no other way

All this time I looked everywhere for You

Climbing every mountain top

Just to scream where did You disappear to

Why do I even exist

When You knew I would get myself into this

Where can I go, there’s nowhere high or low

To escape from the static, the screaming voices I know

Searching for an answer

But the cure is owned by You alone

And in my striving I know

My torment will never end until it has been decreed so

So send the people visions and finish This Incision

Show me is this punishment for my decisions

Or could it be true that another swore and made the sacrifice

But I was the one who bore and paid the price

Oh that my end could be decided tonight

That You would bring any light to my eyes!

1.1 free write

I feel like there’s nothing that I can say

When I could say anything and it wouldn’t explain

Just how terrified I feel, how angry, confused, and desperate to kill

Myself before it gets to me first

As the further I go, it’s looking all the worse

I’m so sorry, I’m so wrong

But I can’t seem to change the song

That’s repeating in my flesh and brain

A screaming in my head twenty-six hours a day

Will You forgive me, because it seems it’s only gotten worse

Than I ever could have imagined, and I tried everything else first

I’m stronger with more discipline that I’ve ever had before

But it doesn’t make a difference as there is no keeping score

It’s either you sink or swim

And there’s no way left to win

One by one, You’re knocking down everything I ever placed any hope in now

It’s only Your call, as there’s nothing left to try

I’ve been beating at a brick wall, and now I’m left to die

And that’s okay, I’m not afraid

But death would be too great a favor

No my curse is that I should go on

Into a future that I’d rather not

As there are a great many things I would rather do

Than get up for another day just to drag through

Dying is an easy thing to do and I’d rather cut my throat

Than keep on living going through with the life I know

One, two, three, it seems I’m dropping them like quarters

What used to mean something to me, now I’m not even in my own corner

“You just need a lover,” says everybody and their mother

But I seem to recall this bothering me long before and despite any other

I can’t imagine what poor guy would even sign up for this

When I’m the one who knows the why’s and am sick of my own shit

It’s never been simple, but six years ago I figured I’d find some kind of balance

But I never did and now I’m just left with the monster I sated and hid

The days they pass me by in the way I’ve lost my mind

But I try to make it look a certain way so you don’t ask me why

it’s so loud now that it feels just like dying

But it’s dragging itself out, always one step behind me

It’s claws threaten inside with every second of my time

Just like the silence of cancer

But who can beget any answers

for the illness in which I find myself?

What is this anxiety now I can never seem to deny or set down

It’s like I can only see how I can’t do anything but try to get out

And never stop trying to run from myself and everyone

While searching for a sun that never seems to come

Looking for an answer to find there isn’t one

And some realities are so cruel, it’s hard to accept that I’m just a tool

For purposes I care nothing for anymore

I’m sorry for the vain truth, I tried to change I swear to you

But all things great and small were made only to fade,

I just didn’t anticipate that it all would end so dismal this way.

P.58 

        Shawna had evidently been spending more and more time on our facility the last couple months, so it was within the hour that I was called into her office with no reasonable defense for my actions other than a childish outburst I had coming.  

“You know this kind of behavior I should discharge you. Then where are you going to live? I think you know this was immature and unacceptable.”

       “Of course I do. I never do anything with my anger. It was extremely uncharacteristic, but I have no excuses.” I didn’t fight her on this one. 

“I swear, anyone else and they would be gone so fast their head would spin, but that’s what you want. But You know most people here want to be here…but I’m not going to just let you go home to keep doing what you were doing.”

        “I didn’t exactly do anything with the intention of getting kicked out for bad behavior, I was unaware that was an option. So you’re not kicking me out?”

“Don’t sound so disappointed, no I’m not- only because I talked to sherice and she said you don’t usually do these sorts of things. Actually, she was even a bit excited that you had finally taken out your anger on something other than yourself.”

    I was silent. 

“No more impulsively wrecking things. I can’t dismiss one more thing or people will start to believe they can get away with anything around here. Do we have an agreement?”

      “Yes, we do concur.”

She even had written up a contract for me to sign- she loved those things. 

“Now that pass isn’t happening for at least another month.”

       “That’s fair.”

“Your Jacob will have to wait,” she continued. “Though I still do not condone your continuing communications- much less meeting. I think it’s a terrible idea and just the little of your conflicts and conversations you’ve relayed, I think he’s going to undo everything I’ve been trying to work on with you.”

         “Thanks for your concern, but I can manage myself the imminent destruction of my limited interpersonal relationships,” I laughed. “I know I have no business in a relationship, but you know nothing lasts, so let me at least see where it goes; I usually never care about anyone, and he’ll be the last guy whose time I’ll ever waste again. ”

“Relationships aren’t a waste- I just think he in particular is damaging for your fragile condition. You already hate yourself, and he seems to be perpetuating that.”

          “Still. The older I get I think I’m realizing that I just don’t like being around people. But I’m not that fragile when it comes to heartbreak. I’ve got bigger problems than the trivial fear of ‘ending up alone’.” Big deal, I’ve already come to terms with that I’m going to be the crazy old lady living up on a mountain with a bunch of bats, or crows, or hell, maybe I’ll just go straight for the shotgun approach.”

“You just keep telling yourself that, but you don’t know yourself at all. I think you care a lot and are terrified of another rejection. That’s why you’re walking on eggshells, tolerating his shaming tactics, and hiding every part of you but what you think he won’t accuse.” 

        “I’m glad you know all about him.” I countered. 

and you defend him…”she concluded.      “but that’s not what I wanted to get into this evening. I have an assignment for discussion. I’d like you to reflect on how your eating disorder has negatively affected your life throughout the years, and try to come up with some new coping mechanisms.”

         I laughed and couldn’t help but roll my eyes a bit, “Sorry, but ‘coping mechanisms’ don’t work. I think if they did I would have been able to make at least one work by now. You should know it just doesn’t work like that. That’s all just a different kind of misery.”

“They can’t work if you don’t want them to.”

        “But if the problem were so easy as to will a distraction mechanism to work better- as though I haven’t tried- it wouldn’t be such an issue would it? But how it’s affected my life? For starters I would preface any lame- ass answer with the fact that foremost: from the outside, I know it’s all fucking retarded.”

“See you’re doing it again-”

         “Come on, I mean who can’t figure out how to properly feed themselves? It’s objectively insane and I understand why most people don’t get it or why it’s so fucking hard; maybe like a migraine- you don’t know what it feels like unless you’ve had one. It’s been by far the worst and best thing that’s ever happened to me; I mean it had its benefits up until a certain age… other than a long hospitalization, It was just fine up until my early twenties where everything changes all over again and you spend a decade trying to readapt to something that will change again by the time you’ve got your head anywhere near the surface in regards to figuring out how to balance it with your life. I managed to cope just fine most of that time; while balancing work, school, a relationship, and maintain my personal peace and sanity; all that normal shit. It’s normal if you’re a teenage girl- but still struggling even worse with it a decade later is just fucking embarrassing. I can’t even live my life.”

“Well it is true that at a certain age it stops ‘working’ the way it used to; and these things do get worse with age if you can’t overcome the insistence on unattainable ideals.”

       “No shit. I’d rather eat a bullet than live another decade into this.”