8.5

I’ve lost all hope a thousand times before 

But with every fall, it’s a little more

No one knows just how deep these hooks go

But I do

I don’t know how to break these chains

Because I’ve tried and prayed everything

I am on my way down to the grave

So
God forgive me, for all that I am

And teach me, to be more than human

Cuz I am living at the end of my life

And I know that I am going to die
Was it always meant to be this way

I have wondered every single day

I tried so hard to right my mistakes

But I never thought that I’d pay

A price so high

With my life
I know I can’t break these chains

Tried a thousand times, there is no way

I’m on my way down to the grave 

I fought the war and washed the blood away each day

Just to find that there was no other way

You are the only one who knows my pain

So
God deliver me, from all that I all

And relieve me from being human

Cuz I am living in my last days

And without a miracle

I will fade away
I’m sorry that I would throw my life away

But all I want to find anymore is an escape

Never thought it could get so bad

That all I want is to forfeit all I have

Just know with this breath now

You’re not the only one that I’ve let down
God forgive me, for all that I am

And teach me, to be more than human

Cuz I am living the end of my life

And I know that I am going to die. 

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7.2 Evidence


I don’t know what to say

But It drives me insane

Amidst the Great many things

That have gone awry this way

I war myself in my head

Far beyond just the blood and the flesh

And that is the end of it

Half of me lies already dead

Hungry, beaten, to the bone cut

But half of me persists, longing to love
But who devours who

I never know which one will come through

Every word I said will ever remain true

why will you not let me love you

I feel so much of what I do

It’s killing me in increments

it’s something I can never prove

I keep on losing the evidence
I see the push away pull

A confession isn’t always logical 

I never needed much

But I never needed enough

I needed far too much 

But end up nothing

I am night in the day

I am a child and admit that I’m afraid

With hand over my mouth as always

So I throw myself from the cliffs everyday

Never knowing just how much time may remain
I may not feel as the next person

I may be different colors

Or of a watered down version

I am pulled in these many opposing directions

And everyone’s got their easy suggestions

I would again break every bone in two

But me; I lose no matter what I do
But who devours who

I never know which one will come through

Every word I said will ever remain true

why will you not let me love you

I feel so much of what I do

It’s killing me in increments

it’s something I can never prove

When I keep on losing the Evidence.

6.29

ribs

I’ve got so much beneath my skin
I wouldn’t know where to begin                                                                                                          I don’t know how to win in this war with far too much emotion
So I try to make you believe me for just another heartless motion

The weakest part of me now
Always seems to bleed out
Though I try so hard to hide my heart
of scars
and where they begin                                                                                                                            
when I feel so goddamn pathetic again

It’s like I’m always trying to make you understand
But no matter what I say, it won’t come out how I had planned
If I could hold my heart in my hands
I’d give it to you just to make amends
But I feel that I’m the only fool again                                                                                                                                                     and everyone is just looking in

I know that I am often wrong
and always singing a different kind of song
maybe I’m not the worst there is
maybe my decisions will never quite fit
seems that the right things never feel like it
But I never figure it out

The weakest parts of me
Always seem to bleed in-between                                                                                                    the lines I try to hide behind
I don’t know If I’ll ever get it right
If feelings won’t always drown me inside
I can’t be a prisoner of my own mind                                                                                          But how can I control what holds and makes me cry

It’s like I’m always trying to make someone understand
But no matter what I say, neither of us gets it
If I could hold my heart in my hands
I’d give it to anyone, just to make sense
But I feel that I’m the only fool again
And everyone is just looking in

The truth is everything kills me                                                                                                      I’m not as strong as I used to be                                                                                                     The truth is often hardest to believe                                                                                               But I only know what I have seen                                                                                                The truth is that I’m terrified                                                                                                               My right’s wrong or your wrong’s right                                                                                          The truth is I’m too weary to be                                                                                                   And every little thing seems to kill me.

 

 

 

6.8 free write

I don’t know what to do

I feel that theres no future

So I’ll tell it all to you

Cuz I’ve got nothing left to lose 

Anymore
Hidden and kept secret

In the light of day

You can see it in my face 

But I can only show you pain

Anymore
I’ve got a tension

Like nothing you’ve ever seen

I don’t want attention

But I’m tearing at the seams
I don’t know what to do

Its too bright and too loud to hear you

I feel I’ve lost my mind tonight

hungry and unsatisfied

All I want is dead and gone

Won’t you please take me far away from

This world
An optimistically deadly mix

Of too many pills and cigarettes

If it helps or kills

I tend to forget

Cuz my names

Gotten so far away

I can remember

Nothing but the pain

Anymore
Lying in the street tonight

Counting all the dying lights

And the mistakes they eat me alive

Day and night, I can’t fight 

anymore
I don’t know what to do

Its too dark too silent to hear you

I feel I’ve lost my mind tonight

hungry and unsatisfied

All I want is dead and gone

Won’t you please take me far away from

This world?

5.30

Something isn’t right

I can’t sleep tonight

It’s crawling through my mind

Taking every good thing 

That I can’t find
Run from everyone

In chasing after a captive sun

But when it’s been gone for so long

Is there really any reason 

Or way to dream of being okay
I want to give; I want to set you free

But can’t even live with so little left of me
Is the feeling of silence ever unbearable to you

A loneliness that grows with age 

But you’re supposed to be able to break through

I can’t say why anyone stays

But to try and medicate 

What never goes away 

Do you want to be 

somewhere else

But who can save us from ourselves?
Where has the peace gone

Do you have some

That you could share with me

Or I can make believe

Where have the hours gone

Do you need to waste some

But the question seems to be 

Who can even reach me

What’s it’s gonna be

That’ll finally set you free

Do you want to be

Something else

But who can save us from ourselves?
So write a brand new chapter 

In the past

And for the next time after

hope that it lasts
As all these needles in my skin

Seem an inalleviable affliction

A solitary strand of red I stand

Never to be held again
I want to give; I want to set you free

But can’t even live with so little left of me

5.27 A Word for Chris Cornell

“The heart is like a house with many rooms,” my father used to tell me all growing up. “In anyone else’s home, you wouldn’t go in any room you weren’t first invited into, but would wait patiently for them to be ready to open each door, room by room.”

Throughout my life, this lesson has been more relationally, spiritually, and emotionally relevant than most any other.

For this reason I remember every detail of the moment I first heard Audioslave’s Like A Stone on a Youtube channel. While there are naturally multiple interpretations as to the intended subject of this song, it struck me on a deeply unmet level in more than just a couple ways. While I can’t say that I have been a fan for many years- I immediately found an inexplicable kind of somber connection with all of Cornell’s music and a unique respect for him as a songwriter. Albeit extremely cliche sounding- his suicide has affected me in a way I never thought I could be, much less by someone I don’t even personally know; The definitive reason why evades me, as most reasons do these days. That’s partly why it’s taken me this long to write any word about his death in the midst of my own black days. Yet even still no justice may ever be done with any words to convey the sorrowful feeling of the type of painful tragedy and the resulting realizations of the collective weight of all these dark matters about us.

Not to imply that every suicide isn’t tragic; but perhaps it was the timing, circumstance, and method of his death have caused it to have such a profound impact on me; as I myself often live in a place of considering taking my own life in such fashion. Regardless of the use (or misuse) of Benzodiazapene drugs, I am personally reluctant to believe that in itself would independently bring one to take their own life who were not already a tormented individual beneath it all; and I know that the kind of emptiness, agony, and perpetual fear long preceding such an act is something that cannot be described, and I can only brokenly project what his share of it was.

Beside the innate sadness of this loss; beside the speculation as to what drives one to suicide, and beside the deeply sobering reality of our own swift mortality- is a defeat in the ears of those still walking in similar vice or battle, and a deepened grief for the momentary surrender of all that music exists to fight for- life- despite the countless reasons we each may have to give up. Whether it’s a battle with drug use, depression, anxiety, addiction and self- destruction , or any battle with yourself; music is often one of the only ways many continue to walk through it each day, and Chris Cornell’s influence on the lyrical power of Audioslave, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, and his own songs have surely given many others who too  may feel irreparably lost or alone a place to simply be together in dark places, without offering any vain or potentially undermining positivity.

Music is at least half of my life, and the other half I can’t very well find the words to explain; but songs like Shadow On the Sun, Seasons, Fell on Black Days, Show Me How to Live, Be Yourself, and many others have said some of what I’ve long struggled to- with a tangible, timeless kind of grace.

Just in the solidarity alone of knowing firsthand how much more pain goes into every song than the hearer will be able to perceive- somehow causes the world to feel even more empty with his passing. Music and how we touch others in this life are the only things that may ever even approach permanence in this world, and Cornell will forever have his place in both, as a liberating- and now haunting- legacy.

May the “doors locked from within” finally be opened, and may Chris Cornell rest in an eternal peace.

 

Only For a Day

I came of age in a hall

No doors or windows, only walls

I drove them all away

So not even ghosts come out to play
Pain is an ever present lover

Never in the end with any other

The clock on the wall

With every second 

threatens to end it all
the Emptiness screams so loud

How can you get in or out

But don’t worry

I’m already gone
Can someone save me 

Even for a moment

Something to remember 

For the next time I’m insane
I just need to know

That there is a place to hope

Somewhere I can carry to rest my weary bones

The temple is nowhere

Nowhere that I know

Will you hide me away

Even if it’s only 

For a day
the Emptiness screams so loud

How can I get in or out

But don’t worry

I’ve already gone insane
Can someone save me 

Even for a moment

Something to remind me

For the last time I am lost.