5.21 free write- Reasons

My body is broken and old before it’s time

All my faith has today run dry

I once was a child

But now I’m just alone

And no one knows the reasons I hold
Been so many places

Tried so many times

Remember a thousand faces

All I’ve left behind

I’ve always come and gone

But I don’t know if this one

I can come back from
The impossible’s before me

And my hope is gone

The fire’s at my back

And I’m about to jump

God please catch me

And forgive me what I’ve done

But no one beside me can feel these reasons
Every day it’s a little more weight

And my bones already crumble and break

I cant feel anything but pain

And I don’t believe they understand

I don’t believe you’ve seen what I have
Been so many places

Tried so many times

Remember a thousand faces

All I’ve left behind

I’ve always come and gone

But don’t know if this one 

I will come back from
The impossible’s before me

And my hope is gone

The fire’s at my back

And I’m about to jump

God please catch me

And forgive me what I’ve done

But no one beside me can feel these Reasons.

5.19

We all have that 

Someone somewhere something

We always seem to be chasing around

Even if only in our heads

It’s so hard to forget about

Where you felt you belonged

Where you thought you were wanted

Or had found something you did

I’m wasting my moments

Stuck in the past

Paying and replaying

What never lasts

All I want in this life is to just be still and know

That there is a way, that there is still hope
I once thought I knew what was right or meant to be

That I had a place to feel, be free; at least taste happy

But it’s all so deceptive

a matter of perspective

How do they manage

To feign care for what’s subjective

How does one keep at playing the game

When it’s fruitless, fucking useless, and all decaying

You were right- it’s like chasing a ghost

Who can never be but a memory

And I it’s longing host
Everytime I think I may have found an answer

Anything to try and cure this kind of cancer

It’s cost is too high in consequence 

And I’m left with another thorn in the end

When all I wanted

To feel something new, to change my hand

But I’ve gone and fucked up again, and bad

And ended up losing 

Everything I thought I had

But by the time I open my eyes

I’ve destroyed my life

And dismantled my chances
I’m not trying to be arrogant

But don’t think they understand

Or that anyone really can

Anyone but themself

I don’t think you really know me that well

But I can’t find the words to explain

When in this hurt there’s nothing I can say 

Because the problem has just become too old

And all that I’ve done- was all mechanical. 

5.14


They throw these words around so goddamn easily

I don’t think they know about what it even means

Are you standing on a street corner now

Not remembering at all

How it came about

Or where you are

After driving in the dark

You can’t take a breath

And holding on so tight

Just to draw one more in your chest

But then you lose your eyesight

How can you fight

How will you ever get home now

But nowhere’s home, you’re by yourself

Just wanting to stay on the ground

But you’re floating up and looking down now

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be saved

But you can’t let yourself

Need anyone or thing

When you’ve gotten so far away

And can’t find reality

Someone’s lips are moving

But you can’t hear anything

Longing just to feel

But floating too surreal

The terror and pain inescapable at your heels

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be loved

But no one can make you whole

Because you’ve lost your fucking soul

We throw these words around

And I know we’re lonely now

But how can one get out

When no one can pull you back down?

5.13

Everything’s more fucked up than it seems

Words never near enough to explain anything

The devil has me in hand again

Have you ever seen God in it

Everything’s more empty than it looks

Everyone so distant and can’t say what I should

Have you ever been to hell, this week

From the back of your skull where it carries

Have you ever been so thirsty but cannot take a drop

Have you ever seen 

Tell me, where did you find God 

With eyes sewn shut

Have you ever for long stood so still

You see the dark man at the window sill

You held my hand once

But I can’t keep my balance

Have you ever slept with hell

So dark in the corners of this cell

Felt your heart slip from your chest 

bones separate from the sinew and flesh

Have you ever had the ground’s deep waters

But run for days only to find rotten cisterns

Standing in a circle clear

where no one knows that I’m here

With skin so thin

That It always seems to gets back in

I can’t see, you can’t understand it

And we wander

Have you ever seen God here

I would meet Him anywhere

Have you ever been to hell, this week

I’m standing in this circle clearing

There’s a devil and a scream that I keep hearing

This is all I’ve got

Tell me, have you seen God?

5.12

So disconnected from this reflection

I can’t say why I let it happen

Where did it go, my heart grown so old

I won’t fool myself though

Nothing can hold or touch a soul

And healing is just a feeling, nothing more

All the things we labor and learn to ignore

It’s not me

But it’s me everyday

I can’t be 

Okay living in yesterday

A hole in my chest, an empty emotion

I run to the edge of this ocean

Just to turn back again

Who loves what’s been faded

I’ve become so jaded

A watered down version

Of who I was made

It’s not me

But it’s me everyday

I can never seem 

To be okay today

Everything’s the promise of the next thrill

A let down and its all going downhill

From here

Hit the top and lost

The rest of the feelings I’ve got

But I won’t know it until the time is gone.

4.17 Free Write

Everybody’s okay

I don’t know if we just drank the kool aid

Or if they found other ways

These words are made of paper mache 
I thought this was supposed to be fun

But I don’t want to invite anyone

Round and round, up then down

In a lesser hell

I don’t wanna live my life 

on a carousel 

The one that we all know so well…
Everybody’s okay

At a certain age of expiry

Are you supposed to just hide in it your bones?

One thing used to mean something

Now nothing is anything

And the ending is everything
But everybody’s okay

How are you, I’m fine today

So let’s pass the time and waste

some

So dizzyingly numb
I thought this was supposed to work some day

But before any flame, it all goes away

Round and round, up a little then down

In a lesser hell

I guess we’re passing life

On a carousel.

Indefinitely

You know, I would have stayed

Definitely

I wouldn’t have left you alone

Unless you had asked me to go

Even then, I would likely try and pretend

That It didn’t hurt me as much as it did
I know the signals are always mixed

In the midst of difficult circumstances

But when it comes to how much you matter to me

I said what I meant, not just what was convenient

But I’m also imperfect and will never have an apology that’s flawless

For all of the times I’ll surely say something thoughtless

I wish that I could read your mind so that I could make it better

and be what you needed right then

But I can’t if you are unwilling to help me understand

I know not everything I say is easy to hear

And I have my many faults that I’ll own for sure

But not a word I wrote was ever meant to hurt

I’m always willing to apologize a thousand times, and try my best to change

but can’t if you don’t tell me what I did to cause you pain

I’ll always believe in working out conflicts and misunderstandings

But you just leave again, without saying anything

And I’m left just to wonder a hundred other things

If we are both stones- stubborn and unknown, each again on our own-

You must be a  Playa Desert stone

For I’ve never seen one quite so apt to get up and go

Though I know I can be too

So I may get that part of you

Or perhaps I’m just too young to apprehend the truth

I want to understand you, but could you me too?

I may have A Lesser Darkness dwelling within

Like most of us; but mine is less hidden

We all have our light and our dark

but I had hoped that you could see my heart

And know that light always shines through

I said I love you

And that never changes or goes away

Even in the midst of the highs and lows we all face

Just as the ocean always remains

It is calm and steady, but rages in the same

For the rivers and tides ever ebb and flow

but always return to where they were meant to go

I don’t want to dog you too much

But I thought you would be as close and for as long

As I would Indefinitely be able to carry on

Or be somewhere near

All whether it’s never- six months, or a year

I won’t take or place the blame on anyone

I often feel foolish, feeling like the only one

Who in some subtle way is always holding on

I forget a lot of facts, but never can a face

I’m always looking back on those who just won’t stay

So I’m writing again for you

It’s the last thing I can do

I don’t why you affect me like you do

Surely you must know how deeply this hurts me too

Of course I’ll still be here waiting for you

And for impermanence

Because everything worth it is always

Indefinite.