11.14 free write

Happy birthday to me

In these words you’ll never read

I’ll do you some favor

And you can be my temporary savior

Was this how it’s supposed to be

Am I allowed to not feel sorry

There I looked back down my own twisted path

Where I should go now, but there is no way back

Children grow old

And throw out the stories

Of which they were told

But who can tell what’s true

How there’s nothing left to do

Winter’s descent to you and the calendar’s ending too

Five six years and November’s finally through

And you feel so much I do believe

But I feel nothing do I deceive

So Happy birthday to me

In words you’ll never understand

It’s just a simple favor

And then you’ll move along as planned

Through all the how are you’s

I don’t know that we even have a clue

So many scars on so very limited skin

It’d be a hard decision where even to begin

Write me into ink and letters

So as you think, you shall remember

I wish any one knew my whole truth

Or that I could bring someone to know the things I do

Because my demons I hide are all I feel anymore

For each of my reasons outside the real world

And who could ever steal away my pain

Or heal that for which no remedy remains

In my heart is my own biblical Retribution I pay

All we are, disciples disillusioned, so why even pray?

It’s etching color into my bare flesh in vain

Who would dare to carry my weight anyway?

So Happy birthday to me

In these words you’ll never read

I’ll do you the favor

And you can pretend to be

My temporary savior.

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11.13 disposable heart

What do I feel, what does it mean

It’s locked in a box

Far out of reach

Not to you, not to them, or even to me

With a key of location remaining unknown

We keep looking for patience when it’s already shown

All for what it is,

One big fucked up punishment

And we’re just swimming in an ocean of vague reassurance

Given with the notion they don’t need to see its occurrence

Now I neither need nor want any help

When all is clearly seen, I’ve become somebody else

Filled with this same vast ocean of nothingness

Feeling no passion or emotion but just an abyss

Despite everything I’ve known and said I never would be

It seems I’ve already thrown all these precepts to the sea

I was the fool to believe that it wasn’t supposed to be this hard

And the result of a tragedy:

I have become the Disposable Heart

For one time use, like something you just make due

And I’m okay with it being that way

So I’ll never look back or ever have to stay.

10.28

I’m about as bad as they get and a million miles away

Forget the things you think I said because I’m not trying to play

It’s the kind of bad you can’t seem to cut out of your skin

No matter that it’s really just getting to begin

All I want to do is try to convince You to reconsider my path

For what are we even going through all this shit may I ask

I’d repeat my sole request, but have no right to these at best

So I always wrote it down

In hopes You’d hear me out

That there could be a road

Leading to a place where how

I could at least find some kind of second best

That my small mind can neither imagine nor suggest

I know I’m dead wrong, if objective is how You judge

But it’s been so goddamn long, from my perspective it’s enough

To see from here where this is all going

After eleven years I think there can be some knowing

I didn’t do it for any reward, or maybe was just more

Wayward than I was aware

But there’s nothing to wait or look for anymore, not for which I care

Twenty years and it seems like You can’t either

I know You hear and see me standing by there

And ever You heard the songs which I used to sing

You never forgot a word, but why remind me of these things

Because now it’s all strictly business

so why won’t You give me this

a little bit of direction, a hint of some objective

For all that has been said and done, How could You still neglect it?

 

 

10.26 Free Write2

God give me the courage to see

to live, to bleed, to hurt and need

Grant me peace and the fortitude

To let it be, or make a move

Show me the wisdom

To know what’s to be done

and meet me in the secret places

I go to when I run

God give me the freedom to breathe now and rise again

The things I need and wings to teach me how to ride upon a distant wind

Allow me to see the things in which I do not believe again

A strength I cannot fabricate

the valor to let in with my hands 

A passion neither sated nor to be suffocated

and the depth to understand

Pardon my temperament, done though with deference

It’s that my heart is sick of this; so yet direct my indifference

So heavy inside and tired, and no rest rekindles my fire

Gone out in doubt and fear, now thinking about all the things that I hear

Everything they say that it’s the same for the rest of the way

Never knowing if you really feel or understand me

I am frozen within, and having become so weak 

God gave a man three wishes, but what could He even give to me? 
 

10.26 Free Write

Do you ever feel empty and you just don’t know why

Like something inside is missing that you can’t identify

Just going through life’s motions

Looking for emotion

Yet too afraid to try

I know I need to reach for something

something more than I can see

But I can’t say why I always slide right back to apathy

All the reasons that I have to never look back

but the seasons still just pass, time that I can never have

Again, How can so much exist in a person full of emptiness

I know you feel it too, though it comes and goes, as most things do

All searching for another just to pull us from the rubble

of all the dreams we had before, and the things that we can’t feel anymore

I can hold so high but fall and fail all at the very same time

Who can imagine each of our reasons why

I know it sweeps through and steals everything from you

But sometimes we look and can finally see the truth

That each moment that we have to make is all that ever will remain

So ask yourself what it is today you want to take, create, and leave in the wake

Because the sands fall slow, but there’s only so much more time to go.

10.20 free write

I have so very much to be grateful for I know

Means to survive and more but it doesn’t seem to show

On my face or in my soul

When each day I wake to remind myself this all

Tell myself to rise upon the new with a better attitude

But feel it’s ties so strong that I don’t know what to do

Was it all written or just a bad decision

That I waste my life away in an old abandoned prison

In a World getting so small

It’s hard to remember

What it felt like at all

To invest or at least bet

the fragmented heart that’s left in my chest

I can’t even guess where to start

But I’m first to bet the rest of the road hard

As it was from the beginning

And there never was any way of winning

Like a steep precipice or being trapped beneath the ice

And everybody’s got their own holy advice

Take it or cast away, but if you do

They’ll assume the worst of you

I would put it on them

Just to make them understand

That I didn’t choose this, I had better fucking plans

And disability doesn’t dismiss responsibility

As if I’m enjoying myself having become someone else

Or devised in advance my device for an easy hand

But who’s qualified to decide if I’m doing all I can

But the one who’s suffering the consequences?

10.19 

Eleven days, was all that it was supposed to take

It occurred to me, perhaps that’s why it’s all just a waste

Insidious it crept for me to get there

It took that long to get, or even be made aware

This is the price that I pay evermore

To the very last cent which I cannot afford

For a crime that stares from my eyes each night

But we all wait, no matter who’s wrong or right

I am foolish, unsurpassedly and so

Five bitter and slow, thirty- five more to go

No time taken for good behavior

I lie shaken and there are no saviors

For who can really resist the hand of punishment

It doesn’t feel as justice, but nothing can or ever did

And my spirit has become this very barren desert

As I hear for what’s been done I carry as I deserve

I feel everything and nothing in the very same, hidden just beneath thin skin 

I sever all of what remains, and breathe in the dust to begin

So I’ll smile again, fake it and face up to fate

Because all of these feelings are only relative anyway

And if they inquire as to why

I’ll probably lie 

that everything and I 

am just fine.