5.21 free write- Reasons

My body is broken and old before it’s time

All my faith has today run dry

I once was a child

But now I’m just alone

And no one knows the reasons I hold
Been so many places

Tried so many times

Remember a thousand faces

All I’ve left behind

I’ve always come and gone

But I don’t know if this one

I can come back from
The impossible’s before me

And my hope is gone

The fire’s at my back

And I’m about to jump

God please catch me

And forgive me what I’ve done

But no one beside me can feel these reasons
Every day it’s a little more weight

And my bones already crumble and break

I cant feel anything but pain

And I don’t believe they understand

I don’t believe you’ve seen what I have
Been so many places

Tried so many times

Remember a thousand faces

All I’ve left behind

I’ve always come and gone

But don’t know if this one 

I will come back from
The impossible’s before me

And my hope is gone

The fire’s at my back

And I’m about to jump

God please catch me

And forgive me what I’ve done

But no one beside me can feel these Reasons.

5.20 free write

It’s on my mind and in my mind from the first thought when I awaken to the last moment before the sedatives kick in to draw me to a fitful sleep. Most of the time the gnawing is there too, as some dark entity bent on not my destruction- as it very well knows I crave- but my torment. They say I should not be overtaken by this constant suffocation, and I am not by the account of mechanical compliance and routine. Company in this midst is a futile endeavor.  But I still hear it and feel it every second in between. Nothing can drown out the screaming fact in my head that it’s been another few years since I set out on another vain quest to find a new bandaid for my gunshot wound, or something to serve as a replacement for coping mechanisms cruelly rendered useless by the penetrating eyes of time. By which every safe place, every drug, and every blood sacrifice expires in its use and I stand where I started years ago, but with extra burdens that all add up in a manner I cannot- nor care to articulate to anyone at all. 

Everyone says there’s no such thing as a problem without answers- even if the answer lies in the serenity of acceptance and a kind of denial. Yet for a struggle I’ve heard not another having dealt with, I have tried and done to such extreme lengths what no other I have ever heard has done. But it fails and fails again, and laden in so much shame I could never tell anyone the true depths to which this problem lies as a slow death sentence to me only metaphorically and spiritually, for I was not granted the favor of death- though against all odds, few can explain how I still stand having foolishly put myself through such rigorous abuse in my pursuit of relief for solely the present day. I have become what I never could have imagined, compromised in the ways I thought was only of the weakest, most ignoble souls, and have accumulated the ever increasing debt of my decisions I thought were best at the time.

They say I am had by a devil, but I don’t know how much it really concerns me in the given circumstances. I neither believe the lies of shadows that death is the end of this suffering; even I know better. That would be far too easy. Angels and demons, but I know only one and of which is no light felt. Thousands of swift years and they’ve all plenty knowledge of feeling trapped as well- this we share in common perhaps. For it most often has appeared that the laws of nature have bent themselves to oppose against all reason. 

Thusly, In the time between reconciling all of these; I leave my marks, never in knowledge of if I will return.

5.19

We all have that 

Someone somewhere something

We always seem to be chasing around

Even if only in our heads

It’s so hard to forget about

Where you felt you belonged

Where you thought you were wanted

Or had found something you did

I’m wasting my moments

Stuck in the past

Paying and replaying

What never lasts

All I want in this life is to just be still and know

That there is a way, that there is still hope
I once thought I knew what was right or meant to be

That I had a place to feel, be free; at least taste happy

But it’s all so deceptive

a matter of perspective

How do they manage

To feign care for what’s subjective

How does one keep at playing the game

When it’s fruitless, fucking useless, and all decaying

You were right- it’s like chasing a ghost

Who can never be but a memory

And I it’s longing host
Everytime I think I may have found an answer

Anything to try and cure this kind of cancer

It’s cost is too high in consequence 

And I’m left with another thorn in the end

When all I wanted

To feel something new, to change my hand

But I’ve gone and fucked up again, and bad

And ended up losing 

Everything I thought I had

But by the time I open my eyes

I’ve destroyed my life

And dismantled my chances
I’m not trying to be arrogant

But don’t think they understand

Or that anyone really can

Anyone but themself

I don’t think you really know me that well

But I can’t find the words to explain

When in this hurt there’s nothing I can say 

Because the problem has just become too old

And all that I’ve done- was all mechanical. 

5.14


They throw these words around so goddamn easily

I don’t think they know about what it even means

Are you standing on a street corner now

Not remembering at all

How it came about

Or where you are

After driving in the dark

You can’t take a breath

And holding on so tight

Just to draw one more in your chest

But then you lose your eyesight

How can you fight

How will you ever get home now

But nowhere’s home, you’re by yourself

Just wanting to stay on the ground

But you’re floating up and looking down now

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be saved

But you can’t let yourself

Need anyone or thing

When you’ve gotten so far away

And can’t find reality

Someone’s lips are moving

But you can’t hear anything

Longing just to feel

But floating too surreal

The terror and pain inescapable at your heels

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be loved

But no one can make you whole

Because you’ve lost your fucking soul

We throw these words around

And I know we’re lonely now

But how can one get out

When no one can pull you back down?

5.12

So disconnected from this reflection

I can’t say why I let it happen

Where did it go, my heart grown so old

I won’t fool myself though

Nothing can hold or touch a soul

And healing is just a feeling, nothing more

All the things we labor and learn to ignore

It’s not me

But it’s me everyday

I can’t be 

Okay living in yesterday

A hole in my chest, an empty emotion

I run to the edge of this ocean

Just to turn back again

Who loves what’s been faded

I’ve become so jaded

A watered down version

Of who I was made

It’s not me

But it’s me everyday

I can never seem 

To be okay today

Everything’s the promise of the next thrill

A let down and its all going downhill

From here

Hit the top and lost

The rest of the feelings I’ve got

But I won’t know it until the time is gone.

I think you already know

burnt out and used up

It doesn’t mean or feel the way it did once

But then again 

nothing does
Always hungry for something more

never aware of what I’m looking for

It could always be worse 

doesn’t equate being worth it
 I often have the thought

That Maybe… 

Never mind

I don’t want to say
How does one cultivate an appetite

For all the same old mundane

The status quo that one must maintain

I’m always hungry for something else

But never know for what it’s about
The things they say that satisfy

Look to me to be so tame and dry

I never was great with the prayer of Serenity

When settling for just okay feels like the enemy
But I think of all the years wasted

Trying to get to that okay

How can I feel differently

About Something today
I think you know

I think you’ve seen

I think that so many people feel

The same as me

I know how the stories go

But we don’t live in a world so forgiveable

There’s nothing left unsaid so

I think you already know
I think you already know

We’ll always feel alone

I think I already know

I’ll always be alone
I always have the oppressive thought

That maybe

Never mind

I don’t want to say
I think you already know

I think you’ve already seen

I think that so many people feel

The same as me

I know how the story was supposed to go

But we live in a world much more cold

There’s Nothing left unsaid so

I think you already Know. 

2.13


I don’t know what to say

I can’t think straight

When I can’t escape the pain

I medicate in vain

And fall away

to do it all the same 

the very next day

 

I’ve lost my mind

For the thousandth time

Waiting for something

Waiting for nothing

There’s only enough air for now

There’s no later, there’s no tomorrow

There’s only the next hit to delay the sorrow

And its killing me in a way far too slow..
But swear on a dying heart

And skin scarred

I still try too goddamn hard

For nothing to show but being back where I started
Trying to walk straight

But can’t stop the shakes

you can’t sedate the ache

So we medicate in vain

And suffocate

so we can do it all the same

The very next day
It’s blurring emotion

Going in slow motion

It’s become lost and all mixed up in

This sickness

Everything’s become so twisted

And nothing’s right
Missing the will to fight

For the thousandth time

Waiting for something

Waiting for nothing

There’s only enough strength for now

There’s no later, there’s no tomorrow

There’s only the next hit to delay the delusion

And its killing us in a way far too diluted… 
Don’t know how to eat

barely seem to sleep or talk

But just sleepwalk is all I do now

When the flame has gone out 

There’s only enough to get though the day

Overdrawing again each time from empty cisterns and deepened spaces

Always staring back at night

Where nothing feels right
But swear on a dying heart

And skin scarred

We all tried 

We all still try so goddamn hard

For nothing to show but being back where we started.