5.12

Seems another day is lost again wrestling the thousand thoughts in your head, of all you’ve seen and are supposed to be becoming, and I wonder which one to hear

Was it just a demon singing me to sleep, waking me with song, filling me with these dreams? A leaden soul no matter which way you go, and the battle can leave you frozen

For all that’s living still inside in your head, without a single confession that you ever actually said, do not be deceived to think it is not heard, for it is even felt, every faded thought and word

A devil’s got my number tonight, I always see it coming but can’t help but wonder why fight, been off the edge for weeks, only telling secrets in my sleep, and I know your back’s no stranger to the weight when it calls your name

Who’s side am I really on, can we really help each other find the strength to go on, when it can feel more like drawing on empty, each surviving in our worlds that never really meet

I’m trying in vain to reach out to touch, but have never been able to break the glass disconnecting us, keep trying or just hide, never belonging on either side, just tell me that you at least do not feel alone and maybe sleep will restore a comforting illusion of home.

5.10 free write

You say go, don’t know where to though, that they’re waiting for me to show, but who though? The wind is sweeping me away, and inside never a place so vacant and grey, but being alone in a crowd is worse than being on your own now

I can feel this place has grown empty, silence traps my ears as a new ending descends, and strength to face an impending beginning again, as I search the faces through every crowd, but still you are nowhere to be found

The heavens claim that its true, but what of if I find you, I’ve seen how it goes, comes and goes as soon as it’s low, they don’t think it exists, because too few know what love is, and I wonder if I’ll be one to find the courage

Come full circle, nothing will make you whole, spend your whole life looking for the next open door, but tell me what are you really searching for? We all have broken hearts inside, or patching them up with the best looking lie

Like it’s never enough, and you’re not the only one, though I know that never made it feel any better to repeat the same obvious dogmatic letters, and they say go, but where to though

When will I truly understand, get out of my own way, translate from head to heart to hand, pull the melody from out of my soul, the one that’s been so heavy and boring this great big hole

When the words don’t ebb and flow the same, the ones I need caught in a web of shame, but we’ll always be alone if we can’t find them to say, God grant me the courage to say them anyway

And to go, though I don’t know, concerned I won’t care, and words suspend worthless in the air.

5.2 free write

I know I really need to talk to You, times like these there’s nothing else that I should do, but instead I’ll spend so much time just trying to run away, with all the terror, thoughts, and torment tearing at my brain

I feel all of this shame, never before have I been so afraid, and I know You see but every time I go to even try to speak only tears come and the same feeling that I’m too far gone, that all along it was me that was fake, that I am the one who’s too far away

I know You see inside so why am I trying so hard to hide, scared that You’ll see what You already know, scared that You’ll leave me here all alone, when it already feels like nobody even knows me, and every time I try to speak I feel stupid and inadequate and want to take back all the words so I don’t waste even more of them

I feel that it doesn’t even matter what I feel anyway, like welcome to the planet, and oh so commonplace, it’s like there’s nowhere I can go to get away, to avoid being broken down any more than I can take, when I’ve already so long been in that place

And I can’t recognize my own face, on the outside looking at a life I can’t erase, l know there’s nowhere I can go, no one I should turn to, when all of us are trying just to make it through

And I’m afraid to be broken, not sure I want to grow anymore, even though I know You probably weren’t the one who closed the door, and all of these words as they multiple inside make me only want to run and hide again

Because I don’t want any more pain, don’t want to choose another road to take, feels like maybe I don’t even want to change, and they say that I just think too much, how can I not when I feel so out of touch

Like I’ll never measure up to the standard of faith and service, and deep inside I contemplate if it’s even worth it, will I ever stop drifting even further away, once You were my gravity and I ever gravitate, but can’t find anyone at all when I’m trapped out here in space

I don’t want to be broken, don’t want to grow any more, when it seems it’s not worth it, though I know I said this before, I feel all alone despite conversation, even though I know no one can fill what seems vacant

I get so agitated at times I can’t stand myself or care, and wonder all the while if You’d understand it’s really that I’m hurt and scared, and hate when it seems in trying to explain, I feel like a child in about second grade, knowing it’s more than I found the words to say

I don’t know what or who to believe, Whether they’re pointing fingers or just as confused as me, all we know is the will for today disappeared long along the way, and there’s little hope or reason much less to want to stay, and I hate that it’s true more than admitted to

I’m angry, I’m confused, don’t know what more to do, I’m hurt, I’m afraid, vocabulary’s going right back to first grade, I’m lonely, I’m depressed, my life’s a fucking mess, but trying more than ever before

I need to talk to You, but don’t know where to begin again, I’ve said all this but still haven’t scratched the surface, feels like the words aren’t even worth it, but will You hear and love me anyway, just like You did when I was in just second grade?

4.29 free write

I keep on holding my breath just to keep the tears away, no word, no sound, no truth, only lies now, tripped up once and falling on the ground

I’ve been pretending for so long though, the only evidence of the truth are the songs on the radio, don’t think I’ll ever know another, maybe we don’t even really know each other

But it comes as no surprise, seems most of us are locked up in our own minds, it’s okay if you don’t want to look at the truth, I don’t want to right along with you

I know we are all crazy in our own ways, I just don’t want you to see, want to be alone today, but we are all hiding our something, but how far does it have to go before we cut our ties with all the lies of a better time

Tomorrow’s past is growing cold, today’s the last chance of a miracle, went all the way out there just to find that we are all scared, now I can’t help thinking maybe it is better to just believe whichever lie makes you feel alive again, tell me real hope didn’t just die, right along with what’s been lost inside

See me today and I’m not sure that I could tell you the difference either, but we do know something’s changed, and today will probably never go away, But hate to admit that I am more afraid

I’m just not convinced which is the truth or a lie that I’ve sold, and now the only evidence I find are the songs on the radio, and I’m holding my breath again.

4.28 free write

Thought that I knew what I was supposed to do, but just can’t seem to find the words to, trying to hear what’s the next move, but I’ve never felt so far away from You

But I know that You are here, holding me up and counting my fears, but all I can hold is my breath from here, show me where to go next, though I don’t know if I’ve the strength left

Never thought I’d get this far, but neither thought it would be so hard, just when I think I know, there’s nowhere left to even go

What is it I’m still searching for, in this world of so much nothing more, speak all the words in all the world and still feel alone, I know You are all I really need, so why do I still feel so hungry?

I know You hear all these thoughts so faded, and the silence that’s singing me to sleep now, maybe if I can write them down in these spaces, I’ll find a way to say them somehow

Im struggling to recognize amidst the sea of voices, when I fuck it all up given my own choices, I’m not hoping, but keep on going, of no reason I can see, a common thing of such familiarity

Ever scratching right beneath the skin, push it back down just to breathe in, we all have a silent scream trapped inside, as a distraction, part of the divide

I don’t really care for make believe games anymore, can’t even seem to find a conversation not so vapid and bored, so what is it I’m still searching for, in this world of so much nothing more, speak all the words in all the world and still feel alone, I know there’s nothing more I really need, so why do I still feel so hungry?

4.25 free write

Too tired to cry, but I keep on trying, as I’m rising higher and higher, but can’t help but wonder all the while why, when all I want to do is trade in tomorrow, when today is all we’ve got and always full of sorrow

So push it right back down, pretend for one more day, though I can’t see it now, they say it’ll be okay

But I wish I could believe

Today I stand here stronger than I’ve ever been before, I won’t be stepped on any longer, know what I can do and more

Hold back another scream, I climb this mountain on my own, and though I’m by myself, I am never alone, don’t you know, I made my friends in the stars above, quiet my heart, I don’t need their overrated love

So when the darkness descends upon you again, learn to recognize the friend in it, I just wish we could believe, but by the time these words will ever reach you, it already hurts all the time and never goes away, but they say it will be fine,

but I can’t see it today, too strong to say a word, too tired to admit I am afraid.

4.18

Child of the Devil, blind where I’m headed, yeah I’ll give you the second, but now in hurt my mind is on fire, all these words so long I’ve held inside

You say I’ve got to learn to use some of this anger that I can, all that I’ve got when it seems no one understands, criticize everything I do and all I am, while I’m trying so hard just to appease you, too tired to gain the upper hand

Seems I know exactly where I belong, hiding right beneath and all alone, pick me apart and watch me fall, but now I can see you never knew my heart at all

Sorry that I can’t be like you, I don’t know how to forget, how to feel what you say is the truth, but unconventionality permissible too, but only when most convenient to you

I don’t believe anymore, tomorrow’s gone too far, only further into the nightmare, so let’s erase the middle and burn out at the start

Now I know right where I belong, beneath everything you deny to keep the fear from rising, I remain one to the end of time.