I’m about as bad as they get and a million miles away

Forget the things you think I said because I’m not trying to play

It’s the kind of bad you can’t seem to cut out of your skin

No matter that it’s really just getting to begin

All I want to do is try to convince You to reconsider my path

For what are we even going through all this shit may I ask

I’d repeat my sole request, but have no right to these at best

So I always wrote it down

In hopes You’d hear me out

That there could be a road

Leading to a place where how

I could at least find some kind of second best

That my small mind can neither imagine nor suggest

I know I’m dead wrong, if objective is how You judge

But it’s been so goddamn long, from my perspective it’s enough

To see from here where this is all going

After eleven years I think there can be some knowing

I didn’t do it for any reward, or maybe was just more

Wayward than I was aware

But there’s nothing to wait or look for anymore, not for which I care

Twenty years and it seems like You can’t either

I know You hear and see me standing by there

And ever You heard the songs which I used to sing

You never forgot a word, but why remind me of these things

Because now it’s all strictly business

so why won’t You give me this

a little bit of direction, a hint of some objective

For all that has been said and done, How could You still neglect it?




10.26 Free Write2

God give me the courage to see

to live, to bleed, to hurt and need

Grant me peace and the fortitude

To let it be, or make a move

Show me the wisdom

To know what’s to be done

and meet me in the secret places

I go to when I run

God give me the freedom to breathe now and rise again

The things I need and wings to teach me how to ride upon a distant wind

Allow me to see the things in which I do not believe again

A strength I cannot fabricate

the valor to let in with my hands 

A passion neither sated nor to be suffocated

and the depth to understand

Pardon my temperament, done though with deference

It’s that my heart is sick of this; so yet direct my indifference

So heavy inside and tired, and no rest rekindles my fire

Gone out in doubt and fear, now thinking about all the things that I hear

Everything they say that it’s the same for the rest of the way

Never knowing if you really feel or understand me

I am frozen within, and having become so weak 

God gave a man three wishes, but what could He even give to me? 

10.26 Free Write

Do you ever feel empty and you just don’t know why

Like something inside is missing that you can’t identify

Just going through life’s motions

Looking for emotion

Yet too afraid to try

I know I need to reach for something

something more than I can see

But I can’t say why I always slide right back to apathy

All the reasons that I have to never look back

but the seasons still just pass, time that I can never have

Again, How can so much exist in a person full of emptiness

I know you feel it too, though it comes and goes, as most things do

All searching for another just to pull us from the rubble

of all the dreams we had before, and the things that we can’t feel anymore

I can hold so high but fall and fail all at the very same time

Who can imagine each of our reasons why

I know it sweeps through and steals everything from you

But sometimes we look and can finally see the truth

That each moment that we have to make is all that ever will remain

So ask yourself what it is today you want to take, create, and leave in the wake

Because the sands fall slow, but there’s only so much more time to go.

10.18 free write

Passion and color a memory held

Of the highs and lows I’ve always felt

Ever reaching to more

Never knowing what for

I heard a rumor that some though

Are truly content with the status quo

How can they feel so little

Who defines what’s normal

When we each can only see through 

What’s always been known to you

Or are we all just small voices locked inside

Under a lock and key no one can really find

Don’t doubt that it’s heard

The faintest whisper, the dying words

Of a faded heart, desensitized and overstigmatized

It’s got to start again, but how or even why

When there’s no way above, only in circles here below

And we all know of how most things here go

But oh so familiar and another settled far too low

Who can remember color as it was so long ago?


The prescription is written for loneliness 

For I know a few who could use some of it

A pill to kill the things we feel

The chilling empty at the end of the day

there’s a will to fake a thing to fill it

But it rushes through in waves

All we can do is continue to try to push it away each day forward

As we suffer it all in one accord

But it’s set to fall with nothing to show for it

Sentenced to live in circles with no understanding given

Tell me if there’s purpose or is it just standard living

It gets so fucking old so unimaginably fast 

When all’s expendable and life’s just speeding past

Like we’re wandering the desert with nothing left to hope

Because forty years came and went a long, long time ago

Two steps away from doing as the rest and whatever I want

After all the wait it seems if you’re not depressed you’re probably living wrong

Or you’re going to hell for enjoying yourself

But I guess there’s a tradeoff for everything else

When I see no good befall those whom I know deserve it of all

And we all know life’s not fair, but a bitch that deals despair 

But it’s hard to keep in care when there’s far too much delay

Perhaps my attitude is wrong but there’s not much else I can say

So still we press on to another frigid dawn

With nothing to hold in our hands

All together but separate for a purpose we will never forget nor understand. 

10.3 free write

My soul gets buried beneath the rubble 

By all these old worries, my heart is too troubled

Too heavy to fly

Too weary to try

To feel or be anything but tired

And all of these decisions inside of my head

Depending on them, I may be better off dead

Damned if  I do, no matter which I choose

A different kind of poison or a pretty type of noose

It shouldn’t be so fucking hard

Just to live a life

But there’s too much stuck in my heart

For me to tell the why’s

I’ve only today

And it’s a miserable ache

Watching everyone 

Withering to fade

But if I had a moment I could give for these endeavors

Maybe it would be worth it

If I could make one last forever

If I could be free

You would finally see

This universe I feel

That’s trapped inside of me. 

10.2 free write


Silence all around

Nothing left to be said 

To be seen or done now


Waiting is all that’s left

Upon a single word

Or for some vague direction


Lifeless is all within

Rotting away for someone else to live


Killing time and all that’s left to hope for

Foolish to believe that there would ever be more

I remain

I remain, much stronger but the same

We are all that can change

As the world is winding down

Settling to fade away

There is no other way of getting out 

An ending is all that remains now

The ending to a story

That was never written down.