5.24

Why struggle now with this so much, fear of today tomorrow and every other one

Never seeming to accept that I’m not getting out of what’s inevitably at hand, I keep on running in these circles hoping I can find a better plan

Deluding myself, clinging to what’s gone, lying so sweet to convince myself just to carry on

I want to be rid of this hurt and powerlessness, but no matter how much I give, it’s similar in how it ends

Because there is no such thing as meant to be and there are no means for achieving these things

When a serpent wants to fly, a dove put off its wings, but when the wolf lays himself down to die, does God look into these things

No, there is a certain way it seems that it’s supposed to go, try as you may to create the means, but it inevitably starts to show

Now nothing is beyond the power of God, the only limitation is if He will or not

He brings kings to nothing, clips wings of those running, and who can ask Him why, even though I tried

Couldn’t reach high enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t just, just wasn’t enough to get there I guess.

But do you know what I saw, do you know how much love I’ve got, but never enough to undo what has come

I have seen the unexplainable in this desert place, supernatural signs untold, though it doesn’t seem to change the fates

What is will what is free what’s been killed may never be, again, what are the other options, breathe it in but not what you thought it

I would only be the worst part of you, not really me but what I’ve had to

Many think they understand the situation, offering cliche wisdom and impatience, while lacking the facets as though I had asked them

And they’re right though, I didn’t explain and won’t as I’ve chosen to remain alone

Have the pieces been put together yet, can you understand what I meant or is it not so evident

I could say it all in a million one ways, and I do, I wonder just fucking who could have so damn much protest in their chest but luckily there’s only a few years left

Time runs up and then runs right out, push comes to shove will it make sense then or now, so they say, that one day it’ll be okay

Guess we’ll never know.

Advertisements

5.5

Everything’s changed but it’s still the same, and I feel there’s naught left that I should even say

Simple, you’ll contradict every thought if I’ve got to be honest about it, and turn around like you didn’t even want my thoughts now

Because they’re too fragmented, and just don’t come out right, who knows if I meant it, I won’t put up a fight

We change but we’re still too the same, at the end of the day do you feel my truest flame

The words are all scrambled, lost inside my mind, all I do today is ramble, don’t convey what it is I’m trying

What do you think, do you really believe, is it in our instinct, can we really achieve

Want or miss, all we’ve got is this nothingness, it is what it is, but what can be dealt with is the difference

You know I won’t forget, I’m just a ways below the surface at the moment

Can they be erased, repaid, these mistakes that have been made

It’s all the same, only we’re supposed to change, change is in the pain, but is it worth it’s weight

So far from where we started, so far from where I began, never would have thought it, my unintent would throw away a good hand

Now what have I done, but taken things way too far, looks it can never be un, I would trade in my very heart

Just to rewind and start again, the first time in life I’ve ever had a regret, in cognitive dissonance hell, being such an idiot in trying to help myself

Oh God what a tragedy have I done, why couldn’t I just let it be and trust

Kicking myself in the face, pushing myself in a futile race, destroying every good thing that I touch, losing hold of all those things like it wasn’t enough

It crept up into my fears oh so slow, over these years that I never would’ve known, until its done and over, how do I go on when I can never return

So confused, who knows what to do, when I never could explain it, so goddamn conflicted, mistaken I could pick and choose

You knew the details there, will You show me if it can ever be repaired, my world has become that landslide, but I’m not sure if there is a better tide

Anymore, so tell me what are we all waiting for, all we’ve gotta do is get it right for just one night and forget everything before and after that’s all gonna be left on the floor, shattered

I don’t think that this can be fixed of all the distress, so let’s make the best of it and not speak of the remaining mess.

rant pt.3

I have had no lack of people throughout my life willing to help, listen, or support me; many very clearly sent through God’s specific orchestration or in answer to a prayer. But at this point, it looks like it’s all going to be for nothing. I am no longer the person any of these people knew. I’ve seen enough in my life- hell, even in just this last couple years- to know that God is aware of every little detail of this universe. He knows the every movement of the sparrow, telling it where it ought to go to find food, shelter, and many other things. He sends one person here and another there for a purpose that is fulfilled with only a seed of willingness, and sometimes even without it. He writes stories, creates works of art, and sets in place circumstances far beyond the capacity of our intellect; and He shows Himself in these ways to those who are able to see.

But- and I say unfortunately sometimes- we have free will. Where the dividing line between this free will and God’s preordained will- I’m fairly certain no one knows precisely where that resides, and I can neither make any hypotheses. They say God helps those who help themselves, and while God never actually said that and there are plenty of stories quite to the contrary, everyone not only tried to help me, but I did indeed try to help myself to the extent of- and beyond- my strength. I tried so hard that I’ve destroyed myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually; maybe I was striving for the wrong goals, but for most others too the natural tendency is to try and somehow alleviate that which causes the most suffering in your life. One can try to otherwise ignore it, but unhealed wounds and addictions will eventually show themselves in one way or the other. It’s that feeling tearing at the mind; what populates dreams or nightmares, it’s a panic disorder, it’s avoidance, it’s substance abuse, self destruction, rage, and ultimately has to be dealt with before moving on to life. But even the truths of the nature of God can seem irreconcilable with the bitter realities I see in the fallen world that just as many face and befall. It’s it allowance or will? When does God decide to step in and save someone from fate and how does He decide who to let sink? Clearly neither guilt nor innocence is the cut off. They say all things are possible with God, but the strength and knowledge of man is clearly very limited and fails- and a lot. But where I today stand I can no longer make sense of how I was ever supposed or expected to overcome my own demons, and now will they kill me. Enough has been destroyed that at this point I’m more afraid of living; like jumping in front of a train, hoping that you don’t just maim yourself. Well, I’ve inadvertantly managed to maim myself and can’t bear to live with the consequences.

For some months now, I have been faced with the most desperate and terrifying times I have yet to know, and it would be hard to believe that God even has anything to do with me anymore. Has He finally simply left me to my own imminent fate? Is God not great enough to make a way for someone who has cried out for it thousands of times? Did God never even have a part in me? Did I just wishfully imagine all of the miracles and signs that science nor coincidence could explain? But regardless of the nature of these things, I am increasingly faced with the sobering reality of my and each of our mortality.

As of recently, perhaps simply a natural result I have evaded as long as I could, I have come to face the failure of not only my body, but mind- and the latter absolutely scares the shit out of me, at all hours of late. Perhaps it’s unresolved neurological complications from a history like a laundry list with comorbid epilepsy. The feeling in my brain never really went away, but since no one could fix it, I just tried to live with. But now my entire life has become entirely crippled and with my inability to maintain even the little I used to do, I’ve never felt so afraid and alone in the ever looming feeling that I’m losing my goddamn mind- like it’s barely there lately- and even writing lately seems to come in only unfocused fragments. And with everything suddenly going on shutdown, I guess I think to myself, what if something actually did happen ? There’s so much I want to say, but will I ever find the courage to? And I knew these are just a bunch of words, but dammit here I’m saying that it feels like the end of my goddamn world again, like I’m either paranoid or the most dramatic person on the planet, but everyone says I’m not in my right mind, and what scares me is that I know they’re right– I’ve known it for a while but chalked it up to anxiety/depression; but the fact that no one can explain why I’m now daily having extreme difficulty completing even the most stupidly simple everyday tasks is making me feel even more like an invalid and adding to the extensive list of reasons why I don’t believe the situation will or can be redeemed. I feel like everything is going downhill so fast and feeling like you’re losing your mind is fucking terrifying and making me feel so fucking alone in the world when everyone can only ask what’s wrong and I can’t explain it because I can’t prove or explain what’s misfiring in my brain, only that it’s been happening all throughout the day for months. I don’t know if it’s related, and the neurologist says my brother and I, though our cases are very different kinds of seizures, are both of no explanation. Kind of like most things in life. Kind of like the questions I scream at the sky. I could deal with most of my organs not working right, but I can’t deal with my brain not working right.

I know we can never go back in life, but there’s nothing to go forward to either anymore; it’s all been destroyed. trapped, it feels like being indefinitely stuck somewhere between Earth and actual Hell , but knowing that here on Earth is by far the Lesser Darkness. And so we wait. And we just rot.

10.28

I’m about as bad as they get and a million miles away

Forget the things you think I said because I’m not trying to play

It’s the kind of bad you can’t seem to cut out of your skin

No matter that it’s really just getting to begin

All I want to do is try to convince You to reconsider my path

For what are we even going through all this shit may I ask

I’d repeat my sole request, but have no right to these at best

So I always wrote it down

In hopes You’d hear me out

That there could be a road

Leading to a place where how

I could at least find some kind of second best

That my small mind can neither imagine nor suggest

I know I’m dead wrong, if objective is how You judge

But it’s been so goddamn long, from my perspective it’s enough

To see from here where this is all going

After eleven years I think there can be some knowing

I didn’t do it for any reward, or maybe was just more

Wayward than I was aware

But there’s nothing to wait or look for anymore, not for which I care

Twenty years and it seems like You can’t either

I know You hear and see me standing by there

And ever You heard the songs which I used to sing

You never forgot a word, but why remind me of these things

Because now it’s all strictly business

so why won’t You give me this

a little bit of direction, a hint of some objective

For all that has been said and done, How could You still neglect it?

 

 

10.26 Free Write2

God give me the courage to see

to live, to bleed, to hurt and need

Grant me peace and the fortitude

To let it be, or make a move

Show me the wisdom

To know what’s to be done

and meet me in the secret places

I go to when I run

God give me the freedom to breathe now and rise again

The things I need and wings to teach me how to ride upon a distant wind

Allow me to see the things in which I do not believe again

A strength I cannot fabricate

the valor to let in with my hands 

A passion neither sated nor to be suffocated

and the depth to understand

Pardon my temperament, done though with deference

It’s that my heart is sick of this; so yet direct my indifference

So heavy inside and tired, and no rest rekindles my fire

Gone out in doubt and fear, now thinking about all the things that I hear

Everything they say that it’s the same for the rest of the way

Never knowing if you really feel or understand me

I am frozen within, and having become so weak 

God gave a man three wishes, but what could He even give to me? 
 

10.26 Free Write

Do you ever feel empty and you just don’t know why

Like something inside is missing that you can’t identify

Just going through life’s motions

Looking for emotion

Yet too afraid to try

I know I need to reach for something

something more than I can see

But I can’t say why I always slide right back to apathy

All the reasons that I have to never look back

but the seasons still just pass, time that I can never have

Again, How can so much exist in a person full of emptiness

I know you feel it too, though it comes and goes, as most things do

All searching for another just to pull us from the rubble

of all the dreams we had before, and the things that we can’t feel anymore

I can hold so high but fall and fail all at the very same time

Who can imagine each of our reasons why

I know it sweeps through and steals everything from you

But sometimes we look and can finally see the truth

That each moment that we have to make is all that ever will remain

So ask yourself what it is today you want to take, create, and leave in the wake

Because the sands fall slow, but there’s only so much more time to go.

10.18 free write

Passion and color a memory held

Of the highs and lows I’ve always felt

Ever reaching to more

Never knowing what for

I heard a rumor that some though

Are truly content with the status quo

How can they feel so little

Who defines what’s normal

When we each can only see through 

What’s always been known to you

Or are we all just small voices locked inside

Under a lock and key no one can really find

Don’t doubt that it’s heard

The faintest whisper, the dying words

Of a faded heart, desensitized and overstigmatized

It’s got to start again, but how or even why

When there’s no way above, only in circles here below

And we all know of how most things here go

But oh so familiar and another settled far too low

Who can remember color as it was so long ago?