10.18 free write

Passion and color a memory held

Of the highs and lows I’ve always felt

Ever reaching to more

Never knowing what for

I heard a rumor that some though

Are truly content with the status quo

How can they feel so little

Who defines what’s normal

When we each can only see through 

What’s always been known to you

Or are we all just small voices locked inside

Under a lock and key no one can really find

Don’t doubt that it’s heard

The faintest whisper, the dying words

Of a faded heart, desensitized and overstigmatized

It’s got to start again, but how or even why

When there’s no way above, only in circles here below

And we all know of how most things here go

But oh so familiar and another settled far too low

Who can remember color as it was so long ago?

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10.8

The prescription is written for loneliness 

For I know a few who could use some of it

A pill to kill the things we feel

The chilling empty at the end of the day

there’s a will to fake a thing to fill it

But it rushes through in waves

All we can do is continue to try to push it away each day forward

As we suffer it all in one accord

But it’s set to fall with nothing to show for it

Sentenced to live in circles with no understanding given

Tell me if there’s purpose or is it just standard living

It gets so fucking old so unimaginably fast 

When all’s expendable and life’s just speeding past

Like we’re wandering the desert with nothing left to hope

Because forty years came and went a long, long time ago

Two steps away from doing as the rest and whatever I want

After all the wait it seems if you’re not depressed you’re probably living wrong

Or you’re going to hell for enjoying yourself

But I guess there’s a tradeoff for everything else

When I see no good befall those whom I know deserve it of all

And we all know life’s not fair, but a bitch that deals despair 

But it’s hard to keep in care when there’s far too much delay

Perhaps my attitude is wrong but there’s not much else I can say

So still we press on to another frigid dawn

With nothing to hold in our hands

All together but separate for a purpose we will never forget nor understand. 
 

10.3 free write

My soul gets buried beneath the rubble 

By all these old worries, my heart is too troubled

Too heavy to fly

Too weary to try

To feel or be anything but tired

And all of these decisions inside of my head

Depending on them, I may be better off dead

Damned if  I do, no matter which I choose

A different kind of poison or a pretty type of noose

It shouldn’t be so fucking hard

Just to live a life

But there’s too much stuck in my heart

For me to tell the why’s

I’ve only today

And it’s a miserable ache

Watching everyone 

Withering to fade

But if I had a moment I could give for these endeavors

Maybe it would be worth it

If I could make one last forever

If I could be free

You would finally see

This universe I feel

That’s trapped inside of me. 

10.2 free write

Silence

Silence all around

Nothing left to be said 

To be seen or done now

Waiting

Waiting is all that’s left

Upon a single word

Or for some vague direction

Lifeless

Lifeless is all within

Rotting away for someone else to live

Killing

Killing time and all that’s left to hope for

Foolish to believe that there would ever be more

I remain

I remain, much stronger but the same

We are all that can change

As the world is winding down

Settling to fade away

There is no other way of getting out 

An ending is all that remains now

The ending to a story

That was never written down. 

9.30 free write

Was it too much to ask to see some kind of hope

Even if at a distance

But it’s farther in the past the further that I go

Until I’m right back at where I began

God only knows the way that I am

How my heart beats and my soul screams

Where all torture and toil is made as nothing

High up above yet below everything

But could anyone feel the weight collectively

Or too this way feel everything

Who ever can, for I have well seen

We see through our eyes

We breathe our own lives

I fly out to look upon from the other side

And comparatively they’re all even and steady in stride 

But I hope God goes out to look through my eyes

To see precisely how hard I’ve tried

Would I be justified in venturing to say though

that I have known suffering of kinds that most will never know

But I neither doubt nor pity nor hold any regrets

I know so little now, but that I did my very best

Now won’t You look upon and bring an end to what had no purpose from the start

Won’t You come take some pity on the torment in my heart

That’s whittled at my bones, emptied of marrow;

From my eyes hidden hope and forsaken all my tomorrow’s 

No I think no one knows

They don’t need to though

It has ever been an audience of one

Only You I know see all that has been had and done

So consider me pardoned when I meet my approaching fate

Finish what was started; send or take me forever away

For we know what comes

Now let it be done. 

9.25

We each hold only time

In our weary hands

Which we can neither leave nor find

No matter what we had hoped or planned

But I never could have thought

It would be so hard

Just to carry on

Trying not lose my heart 

to apathy
But I have to find some

reason to believe 

That anyone can be something more

Than all of the failures and things we have known before 

For I cannot return 

to what is left behind 

Even if I still burn 

with this torment that’s trapped inside
Most of the days just seem like another to waste 

As I keep on chasing what was taken away

For reasons of some kind that I cannot see

Peace and hope all the while ever eluding me
But I have to find some

reason to believe 

That I can be something more

Than all of the failures and things that I have known before 

For I cannot return 

to what is dead behind 

Even if I still burn 

with this torment I’ve masked inside
Ever aware of the passing days

To where every care seems to pass away

And feeling so dead keep on pushing ahead

There must be only one thing left. 

9.20 free write

Wonder what could come next

When living so disconnected

With all at a lull, low or dead

Will You honor my final request

Which direction do I wander in

to another end so depleted

To a different kind of vague and incomplete

We’re most just running in Circles though

So show me to where I should go

As for here or there, I’ve no more will nor care

For It’s all hollow and transparent still 

Even at the end of all having been fulfilled.