7.2 Evidence


I don’t know what to say

But It drives me insane

Amidst the Great many things

That have gone awry this way

I war myself in my head

Far beyond just the blood and the flesh

And that is the end of it

Half of me lies already dead

Hungry, beaten, to the bone cut

But half of me persists, longing to love
But who devours who

I never know which one will come through

Every word I said will ever remain true

why will you not let me love you

I feel so much of what I do

It’s killing me in increments

it’s something I can never prove

I keep on losing the evidence
I see the push away pull

A confession isn’t always logical 

I never needed much

But I never needed enough

I needed far too much 

But end up nothing

I am night in the day

I am a child and admit that I’m afraid

With hand over my mouth as always

So I throw myself from the cliffs everyday

Never knowing just how much time may remain
I may not feel as the next person

I may be different colors

Or of a watered down version

I am pulled in these many opposing directions

And everyone’s got their easy suggestions

I would again break every bone in two

But me; I lose no matter what I do
But who devours who

I never know which one will come through

Every word I said will ever remain true

why will you not let me love you

I feel so much of what I do

It’s killing me in increments

it’s something I can never prove

When I keep on losing the Evidence.

5.31

Every night I feel that I 

Could lay it all down on the line

why do I hold my tongue so tight

When it always could be the last night

To feel, to be, to breathe, to need

Wasting any potential memory

The past is dead

But only it seems to ever live again 

Only as the parts best forgotten
I thought you were fine

I guess they were all wrong

I thought it was alright

But you’ll sing one final song
Garden variety

we stitch it on our sleeves

We hear it all the time

And it puts everyone at ease
I’ve already burned too much time

Trying to scrub it from my skin

It can’t be lie

If the truth lies within it
I see through the lines

I guess they were all wrong

I thought it wasn’t time

But you’ll sing one final song
Every time could be the last 

Thought that you were fine

But guess they never saw past it.

~~~~

You held up a picture

Right in front of my face

A tiny little child; a sad, helpless babe

With eyes so bright

In this world out of place

A lucidity too hard to erase

Why would you call this one

Out of an empty space?

One to understand

Far too young

To move and manipulate man

Just to get out from

Dependency- a fundamental of infancy

It was never with intent

But you never told me if it was all planned

There are billions 

Couldn’t I have been left as the silent one?

5.30

Something isn’t right

I can’t sleep tonight

It’s crawling through my mind

Taking every good thing 

That I can’t find
Run from everyone

In chasing after a captive sun

But when it’s been gone for so long

Is there really any reason 

Or way to dream of being okay
I want to give; I want to set you free

But can’t even live with so little left of me
Is the feeling of silence ever unbearable to you

A loneliness that grows with age 

But you’re supposed to be able to break through

I can’t say why anyone stays

But to try and medicate 

What never goes away 

Do you want to be 

somewhere else

But who can save us from ourselves?
Where has the peace gone

Do you have some

That you could share with me

Or I can make believe

Where have the hours gone

Do you need to waste some

But the question seems to be 

Who can even reach me

What’s it’s gonna be

That’ll finally set you free

Do you want to be

Something else

But who can save us from ourselves?
So write a brand new chapter 

In the past

And for the next time after

hope that it lasts
As all these needles in my skin

Seem an inalleviable affliction

A solitary strand of red I stand

Never to be held again
I want to give; I want to set you free

But can’t even live with so little left of me

Only For a Day

I came of age in a hall

No doors or windows, only walls

I drove them all away

So not even ghosts come out to play
Pain is an ever present lover

Never in the end with any other

The clock on the wall

With every second 

threatens to end it all
the Emptiness screams so loud

How can you get in or out

But don’t worry

I’m already gone
Can someone save me 

Even for a moment

Something to remember 

For the next time I’m insane
I just need to know

That there is a place to hope

Somewhere I can carry to rest my weary bones

The temple is nowhere

Nowhere that I know

Will you hide me away

Even if it’s only 

For a day
the Emptiness screams so loud

How can I get in or out

But don’t worry

I’ve already gone insane
Can someone save me 

Even for a moment

Something to remind me

For the last time I am lost.

5.13

Everything’s more fucked up than it seems

Words never near enough to explain anything

The devil has me in hand again

Have you ever seen God in it

Everything’s more empty than it looks

Everyone so distant and can’t say what I should

Have you ever been to hell, this week

From the back of your skull where it carries

Have you ever been so thirsty but cannot take a drop

Have you ever seen 

Tell me, where did you find God 

With eyes sewn shut

Have you ever for long stood so still

You see the dark man at the window sill

You held my hand once

But I can’t keep my balance

Have you ever slept with hell

So dark in the corners of this cell

Felt your heart slip from your chest 

bones separate from the sinew and flesh

Have you ever had the ground’s deep waters

But run for days only to find rotten cisterns

Standing in a circle clear

where no one knows that I’m here

With skin so thin

That It always seems to gets back in

I can’t see, you can’t understand it

And we wander

Have you ever seen God here

I would meet Him anywhere

Have you ever been to hell, this week

I’m standing in this circle clearing

There’s a devil and a scream that I keep hearing

This is all I’ve got

Tell me, have you seen God?

3.8 Free Write

You say that you’ve gone

But I know that you’re not

Sometimes I can tell

Because luckily you don’t hide it very well

honestly I do prefer the latter

Though I’m not sure if that even matters
Tell me what you want

I hope you would know

That I haven’t forgotten

I think you well know

we both still check in 

Often just to say hello
Are you wary to let anyone in

In any way?

It’s a decision that we all have to make

So I do understand because my mind functions the same way

Though I’m not so confident what it is you would have me say

But It’s not my place
I’m just waiting

It’s your choice to make
I still wonder and care

Even sometimes too still there

It was said once

That you can’t always run 

from everyone

And I would Know well 

Because I do that myself
Sometimes I’m arrogant enough to believe

That I know some of what you’re thinking

And perhaps that’s exactly why

I’ll go as far as to say

That I need you in one or another way

Whether it’s reality or idealization

I’m not sure which is more relevant anymore
I’m probably not what you think I am either
Maybe I’m crazy

Or perhaps I’m not

I’m always open to quite any option

But what I’m trying to convey

Is that I have not forgotten. 

I think you already know

burnt out and used up

It doesn’t mean or feel the way it did once

But then again 

nothing does
Always hungry for something more

never aware of what I’m looking for

It could always be worse 

doesn’t equate being worth it
 I often have the thought

That Maybe… 

Never mind

I don’t want to say
How does one cultivate an appetite

For all the same old mundane

The status quo that one must maintain

I’m always hungry for something else

But never know for what it’s about
The things they say that satisfy

Look to me to be so tame and dry

I never was great with the prayer of Serenity

When settling for just okay feels like the enemy
But I think of all the years wasted

Trying to get to that okay

How can I feel differently

About Something today
I think you know

I think you’ve seen

I think that so many people feel

The same as me

I know how the stories go

But we don’t live in a world so forgiveable

There’s nothing left unsaid so

I think you already know
I think you already know

We’ll always feel alone

I think I already know

I’ll always be alone
I always have the oppressive thought

That maybe

Never mind

I don’t want to say
I think you already know

I think you’ve already seen

I think that so many people feel

The same as me

I know how the story was supposed to go

But we live in a world much more cold

There’s Nothing left unsaid so

I think you already Know.