4.17 Free Write

Everybody’s okay

I don’t know if we just drank the kool aid

Or if they found other ways

These words are made of paper mache 
I thought this was supposed to be fun

But I don’t want to invite anyone

Round and round, up then down

In a lesser hell

I don’t wanna live my life 

on a carousel 

The one that we all know so well…
Everybody’s okay

At a certain age of expiry

Are you supposed to just hide in it your bones?

One thing used to mean something

Now nothing is anything

And the ending is everything
But everybody’s okay

How are you, I’m fine today

So let’s pass the time and waste


So dizzyingly numb
I thought this was supposed to work some day

But before any flame, it all goes away

Round and round, up a little then down

In a lesser hell

I guess we’re passing life

On a carousel.



You know, I would have stayed


I wouldn’t have left you alone

Unless you had asked me to go

Even then, I would likely try and pretend

That It didn’t hurt me as much as it did
I know the signals are always mixed

In the midst of difficult circumstances

But when it comes to how much you matter to me

I said what I meant, not just what was convenient

But I’m also imperfect and will never have an apology that’s flawless

For all of the times I’ll surely say something thoughtless

I wish that I could read your mind so that I could make it better

and be what you needed right then

But I can’t if you are unwilling to help me understand

I know not everything I say is easy to hear

And I have my many faults that I’ll own for sure

But not a word I wrote was ever meant to hurt

I’m always willing to apologize a thousand times, and try my best to change

but can’t if you don’t tell me what I did to cause you pain

I’ll always believe in working out conflicts and misunderstandings

But you just leave again, without saying anything

And I’m left just to wonder a hundred other things

If we are both stones- stubborn and unknown, each again on our own-

You must be a  Playa Desert stone

For I’ve never seen one quite so apt to get up and go

Though I know I can be too

So I may get that part of you

Or perhaps I’m just too young to apprehend the truth

I want to understand you, but could you me too?

I may have A Lesser Darkness dwelling within

Like most of us; but mine is less hidden

We all have our light and our dark

but I had hoped that you could see my heart

And know that light always shines through

I said I love you

And that never changes or goes away

Even in the midst of the highs and lows we all face

Just as the ocean always remains

It is calm and steady, but rages in the same

For the rivers and tides ever ebb and flow

but always return to where they were meant to go

I don’t want to dog you too much

But I thought you would be as close and for as long

As I would Indefinitely be able to carry on

Or be somewhere near

All whether it’s never- six months, or a year

I won’t take or place the blame on anyone

I often feel foolish, feeling like the only one

Who in some subtle way is always holding on

I forget a lot of facts, but never can a face

I’m always looking back on those who just won’t stay

So I’m writing again for you

It’s the last thing I can do

I don’t why you affect me like you do

Surely you must know how deeply this hurts me too

Of course I’ll still be here waiting for you

And for impermanence

Because everything worth it is always



The only constant is change

or at least it’s what they say

And I repeat it

To encourage you today

Though perhaps it’s just a lie

Of well-intentioned phrase

I don’t know if I believe today

in optimistic words I say

I think that once expired

Life goes in preset phase

Once Monochrome 

or of the most brilliant of colors now unknown

But now every hour It’s ever a challenge

not to look back and miss

The long lost days of ignorant innocent bliss

Because the good old days have passed away

No more black,white, or colors

Only different types of grey

The youth has faded from our faces

But when I close my eyes I still see you the same

But look in mine and see that I’m

Sorry for the parts that I let die

When you managed to hold on to something worthwhile

And I can’t believe how easily

I fall, when I do

To let words destroy me

When they were meant to encourage me too

I’m amazed at the power of a word carelessly spoken

How much I let it hurt when it’s the subject that’s so loaded

I’d think I’d have grown and matured enough that when those words are spoken

I’d be strong enough to not let the reminders tear nagging wounds reopened

But It took years to show my face in public again

“Everything changes,”I replied with confidence

To comments misplaced in faultless ignorance

But really it wasn’t me that’s changed

Much as as the circumstance has

They’re different now

I used up my power in how it worked out

But I’ve never fought like I do now

How can I put the past to rest

When it’s always brought up

from the dead again

But believe me, never for a second do I forget

I never could, not even for a moment

But it won’t be spoken of again

Not by me at least

Because appearances don’t mean anything

And there’s nothing left to change

Life has its price of death to pay

these lessons will at last have their way

In me.