5.14


They throw these words around so goddamn easily

I don’t think they know about what it even means

Are you standing on a street corner now

Not remembering at all

How it came about

Or where you are

After driving in the dark

You can’t take a breath

And holding on so tight

Just to draw one more in your chest

But then you lose your eyesight

How can you fight

How will you ever get home now

But nowhere’s home, you’re by yourself

Just wanting to stay on the ground

But you’re floating up and looking down now

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be saved

But you can’t let yourself

Need anyone or thing

When you’ve gotten so far away

And can’t find reality

Someone’s lips are moving

But you can’t hear anything

Longing just to feel

But floating too surreal

The terror and pain inescapable at your heels

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be loved

But no one can make you whole

Because you’ve lost your fucking soul

We throw these words around

And I know we’re lonely now

But how can one get out

When no one can pull you back down?

Indefinitely

You know, I would have stayed

Definitely

I wouldn’t have left you alone

Unless you had asked me to go

Even then, I would likely try and pretend

That It didn’t hurt me as much as it did
I know the signals are always mixed

In the midst of difficult circumstances

But when it comes to how much you matter to me

I said what I meant, not just what was convenient

But I’m also imperfect and will never have an apology that’s flawless

For all of the times I’ll surely say something thoughtless

I wish that I could read your mind so that I could make it better

and be what you needed right then

But I can’t if you are unwilling to help me understand

I know not everything I say is easy to hear

And I have my many faults that I’ll own for sure

But not a word I wrote was ever meant to hurt

I’m always willing to apologize a thousand times, and try my best to change

but can’t if you don’t tell me what I did to cause you pain

I’ll always believe in working out conflicts and misunderstandings

But you just leave again, without saying anything

And I’m left just to wonder a hundred other things

If we are both stones- stubborn and unknown, each again on our own-

You must be a  Playa Desert stone

For I’ve never seen one quite so apt to get up and go

Though I know I can be too

So I may get that part of you

Or perhaps I’m just too young to apprehend the truth

I want to understand you, but could you me too?

I may have A Lesser Darkness dwelling within

Like most of us; but mine is less hidden

We all have our light and our dark

but I had hoped that you could see my heart

And know that light always shines through

I said I love you

And that never changes or goes away

Even in the midst of the highs and lows we all face

Just as the ocean always remains

It is calm and steady, but rages in the same

For the rivers and tides ever ebb and flow

but always return to where they were meant to go

I don’t want to dog you too much

But I thought you would be as close and for as long

As I would Indefinitely be able to carry on

Or be somewhere near

All whether it’s never- six months, or a year

I won’t take or place the blame on anyone

I often feel foolish, feeling like the only one

Who in some subtle way is always holding on

I forget a lot of facts, but never can a face

I’m always looking back on those who just won’t stay

So I’m writing again for you

It’s the last thing I can do

I don’t why you affect me like you do

Surely you must know how deeply this hurts me too

Of course I’ll still be here waiting for you

And for impermanence

Because everything worth it is always

Indefinite.

33 Thoughts 



33 things I’ve learned in this past year          (or am still trying to); a reminder to self:

1. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat- idealization did. 

2. Don’t permit nor settle for physical, mental, or spiritual complacency.

3. Rise and move forward with the sun.

4. Meditate, rest, and reflect with the moon.

5. Be love and Let love in.

6. Recognize that pain is a fundamental part of life.

7. Do not depend on others for your happiness or fulfillment.

8. Don’t take energy, give it and what you seek will be drawn to you.

9. Do not fear death, but fear never waking from this sleep.

10. Know that you’re not the only one that feels this way, but you are the only one who can change it.

11. There is no glass.

12. Recognize that no one will meet all of your emotional needs- it’s not what they’re for- neither people nor emotions.

13. A life without magic is the divorce from it. 

14. Pain changes people. Choose wisely your direction.

15. Life doesn’t get easier- just more familiar, and you- stronger.

16. Live your intentions as if they’ve already come to pass.

17. Know that loneliness and company will never be mutually exclusive.

18. Not all spaces are meant to be filled.

19. Light shines brightest in darkness.

20. It will never be the “perfect time.” Go for it today.

21. Your ducks will never stay in a row.

22. Selfish gets less than giving.

23. “Until you learn to be comfortable with being alone, you will never know whether you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness.”

24. You only have to try one last time- but after that, always be sure to try “one last time” again.

25. Don’t be afraid to see the signs. 

26. There are many people and things in this world that will try to put you down- don’t be one of them.

27. Never completely “grow up”- in the societal sense of the word- it’s a trap.

28. Sometimes the largest obstacle in your way is what you “know”.

29. “If you don’t like it, change it; if you can’t change it- change yourself.”

30. Don’t waste time hiding your feelings, no matter how foolish they may seem.

31. “One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”

32. Truth is truth whether we close our eyes or not.

33. You can never truly know the whole story.

January 4th thoughts

        I briefly had this incredibly strange feeling, as the type of knowing sadness when you’re just a few pages away from the end of a long, yet captivating book. The type of book that allows you to escape away from every thing, everyone, and every thought- save for the newly unspoken investment in these characters’ stories, which are now unfolding in all their twists and mystery. It’s that grey silence in your head when you turn over the last page, see blank space, and feel that you could almost miss those characters- only that they never truly existed.

         I consider myself one of those characters, as I just reached the end of this 23-year long book- and then proceeded to burn it. I watched it be consumed and crumble into ashes with a remarkably cold indifference. Now around this fire, my perspective is that of a stranger- as is every person around me. No face is familiar. The past is no longer of any consequence or significance, and if one were to recount the details of that book to me, I wouldn’t believe them. Every principle, moral, courtesy, belief, and faith I thought myself to know or hold had grown legalistic or  obligatory- so it had been replaced or disintegrated out of relevance entirely.

           In attempting to take inventory of what is relevant anymore, the most prominent and undeniable lesson I learned in this past year (and being stubborn, in of course all of the hardest ways) is that the very thing- actually, the very one (God)- I ran from in anger, is the only one with whom my spirit reaches any closer to being home-/or at least not feeling so abysmally alone. The final sign was as clear as being written in the sky, for my stubborn self.

The prodigal son.
The 99 sheep.
One step away.
My first love.
My last hope.

          While I’ve always known these truths in the recesses of my mind, I thought I’d try out mortality’s bind for myself anyways, out of the lack of ability to apply anything else in my essentially drunken, altered state.
       Yet even confirming this, with increasing frequency, I’ve frustratingly enough found found my own spiritually apathetic stupor impeding myself from whole- heartedly participating in this most vital reconciliation. I’ve spent the year denying and running from God, in false hopes to regain some appropriately carnal desire or perspective on what I should be doing with my time, thought, and energy- as if I would find anything. Ha.

      This past year has undoubtedly been the darkest, lowest, and most discouraging of my life thus far. While this is attributable to many things beside my walking away from all faith, all of these hardest lessons can ultimately be summarized by the one:
that Life is to know God and to be acquainted in His spirit.
          I know now that there is no other true salve or satisfaction. No other identity, or company will ever perceive or embrace my soul. Yet I’ve also experienced first hand how oftentimes God will allow (or even orchestrate) the complete shattering of our life, hopes, and hiding places just to bring us to our absolute, desperate end- where we will seek Him alone. Now I only pray for the faith to believe that He will ever put this person back together, or more accurately- that He can still rewrite this completely new, most unfamiliarly unsettling character I am becoming.