1.15 free write

What do I do when even the smallest hope I had falls through

There’s nothing left to hold on to

I thought there could be something for me

Turns out I’m deceived if I believe there can be anything but misery

I don’t understand what You’re putting me through

As if I can really talk back to ask why You do as You do

Maybe I’m holding on in vain to what I only believe is safe

Maybe my perspective has grown myopic

so subjective I don’t even see my own options

But it feels like I’ve already tried most everything else

Just so that I can hide and delay facing my hell

And when I think I descry a distant glimmer of light

Its quickly stolen away, leaving me nothing in its place

But the long past so full of tormenting memories

That I’ll never have back, but for the thorn of its haunting entity

Do I lie, so unlike me, just to try and keep what’s left inside me

Maybe I’m wrong, but I may be right, maybe it’s too far gone for me to save my life

And I’m looking up so maladjusted, just thinking of how I’ve never trusted

Anyone but myself, because they tried but couldn’t help

It always looks hopeless at the end, and that no one will ever know me again

Do my eyes not see right, as I’m wasting all my time

Do I recall correct, or do my assessments tend to forget

Maybe they’re right, that I’m just afraid to see, I may be terrified but could you really blame me

No I don’t think they know me

I want to get better, not just settle

I want to get closer, not just over

I want to disappear, to leave all my fears right here

But buried so deep within my skin, all of these secrets, I’d never let them in

I’ve got to ascend to higher heights, challenge the limits of my mind

But all in the same, somewhere I’ve lost my flame, and I don’t really care for continuing this game

When I’m so disillusioned and confused and all my solutions just end up losing

I’m sorry that it’s so hard for me to believe that the past so far could ever stop its repeat

I need You to show me this, I need You to remember

That of everywhere I’ve been, I’ll ever see a new December.

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1.14 free write

I never really know what to do

Because dreams don’t usually ever come true

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you get or how hard you try

You can jump from any ledge but aren’t guaranteed to fly

I’m running in circles just hoping for a change someday that maybe isn’t even meant for me

Maybe it’s always been my time but I don’t have the strength to change my mind

For all the same hurts and disappointment

Perhaps I’ll never become what I remember I had once been

It seems too far from my reach

It’s getting so hard and quite boring

Expending so much energy just to stay in the same place

Trying so hard, ending up back at the start, and wanting nothing at all anymore in my heart

I’m fine, it’s just another day

But inside I can’t let go of what I pray

For a miracle, or something meaningful

To make up for all I have lost, and there’s a lot

I want so to change, that I don’t recognize my own face

I want to be taken away so far from this place

Too sick to stay but too tired to leave

These useless behaviors no longer achieve

Anything worth having, there’s nothing to gain

And for all of this sadness, I’m the only one I blame

But so are all our curses, I don’t know how they make it worth it

When it tortures me all of the time

Getting more towards an end that’s like dying

What’s to do next with all this revelation and reflection

Now that I realize my best isn’t enough to change my direction?

1.7 free write

How will I ever find my way to live

In a margin that’s always been so thin

Not a step to the right nor left, not even a tiny bit

Or it all comes crashing down, in a fight so precarious

How will I ever live

with so much of my mind captive

A balancing tightrope walk

one where I’m bound to fall

My bones are just dust

my soul old and rusted

From all my time wasted

holding in vain to what’s faded

No matter how I try, I’m losing more of my grip

I could never keep what I find, and flesh is destined to rip

In these excruciating little increments

I try to be strong

pushing beyond where most could press on

But I can only hold up this weight for so long

How can I learn to just deal with it

I don’t remember it feeling like this

There’s nothing left for anything or anyone else

With all that I’ve kept just trying to save myself

With a discipline of precision

I’ve lived within this prison

Because I can never leave

What lives inside of me

I can never walk away

When I need it everyday

But I know You understand

My ways and my pain

More than anyone can

I hear You, I see You

I’m trying to get through

But when the remedy’s so heavy

I don’t know how I’ll ever keep steady

A cycle in which I’m exhausted

but if I stop for a minute I’ve lost it

Like Sisyphus, going nowhere And fast

I’m so damn sick of this, but somehow I’ve gotta last

But this mountain’s so tall

and the days they just fall

And I’m running so far

to go nowhere at all.

1.5 free write

I sit in the silence that’s fallen all around

Thinking to myself, what now?

I have gone where I do not want to go

Done what no one will ever know

Surrender my wants, walking through my deepest fears

And held my ground for so long, just to waste all my years

There’s nothing I care about

So what could possibly come now?

Every day I meet means naught to me, for I dread each of their coming

I know I can never go back to my life that has forever passed

And that is enough to lose any hope to be had

You know I’ll never get over it with a smile

Though it’s already been a long, long while

All temporal joy buried in the ground

So what now?

The wound never seems too heal, nor the burden ever feel any different

The torment never grows more palatable, as the pain never dulls

And I can neither see nor imagine how it could ever be worthwhile again

When it seems a permanent business that discomfort be my closest companion

And there is no rest for me inside, only knowing the best places to hide

But it’s there too, even after all that I’ve tried to do

To change, reason, or distract; to bring some kind of meaning to this useless place I’m at

I can’t recall what anything feels like

All I feel is this

Now what?

I’ve let go of my heart and mind, while watching depart all my desires

I seek nothing but the freedom denied me

Always being hunted by what lies inside me

Always in wait, my peace being it’s prey

And by will or fate, I am left with what I hate

All vain pursuit within sight but ever out of reach

All remaining is the fight, with nothing new to teach

Don’t leave me here to my imminent end!

You win, I surrender

I give up

Now what?

1.3 free write

I’m so afraid of what they’ll say,

What happens if they try to take it all away

Please don’t send me back to where I came

After all this fight for every little step of the way

I may not be right, but it seems like the only way

I never want to feel so helpless again

Though I already do, but a different

form of it

But in my head lingers it’s inevitability

That I can’t keep running from what’s headed for me

No one knows quite the lengths to which I’ll go

To try to evade what one day I will not escape from though

I never want to feel my skin again

But forever couldn’t make it any different

Do I plead my case and fight to bide more time

Or surrender and face the nightmare that is mine

I tried so hard to reconcile the score

Taking extremes unheard of before

Just to breathe again for one minute

But in the end will I be conquered by it

Both I and it are simply a time bomb that continues to tick

How far will I make it before detonating all of this shit

There never were any answers

When the laws of the universe continue to elude me

And circumvent all meaning or reasoning

I can’t keep using Band-Aids

I’m wasting my life away

But a thousand ways I tried to escape

And there is no other way

All this time I looked everywhere for You

Climbing every mountain top

Just to scream where did You disappear to

Why do I even exist

When You knew I would get myself into this

Where can I go, there’s nowhere high or low

To escape from the static, the screaming voices I know

Searching for an answer

But the cure is owned by You alone

And in my striving I know

My torment will never end until it has been decreed so

So send the people visions and finish This Incision

Show me is this punishment for my decisions

Or could it be true that another swore and made the sacrifice

But I was the one who bore and paid the price

Oh that my end could be decided tonight

That You would bring any light to my eyes!

12.23 free write

I tried so hard to run so far away

Just to find myself in the very same place

Did you bring me back

Because You know exactly where I’m at

And You said You know every need

But As soon as I can breathe

It slips away from me

It seems that I will never

Will I carry this pain forever

But I’m too tired to mourn about

A hope expired and all’s worn out

I wish they couldn’t see

That I’ve become so weak

My fear holds me down by a weary soul

And It’s gotten so damn loud

I can’t hear at all

Everyone’s making sense but me

Call it providence, but I’m too blind to see

I can’t seem to let go and I know that it won’t

I can barely speak when it has me by the throat

All I have is passing me by

But now I’m not sure

that I even mind

Teach the dumb, strengthen the feeble

I’ve become numb, living just the Nothing’s equal

Loose the mute and downcast soul

Pull me through cuz there’s nowhere else to go

To see a passion not just in passing

To need to look back and ask

for something worth having

But I’ve become so weak

I wish you couldn’t see.

12.16 free write

I cannot put these thoughts to rest

They gnaw and rot inside my chest

I can’t become what I’ve already been

But it drags me down to its depths again

The mirror says I’m in the same place as before

And all of my nightmares replay back and forth

And again it’s scraping down my spine

This tormented skin should not be mine

I can’t escape when it lives within

I keep trying, but can’t scrub it from my skin

I can’t starve myself to death

I can’t carve it from my chest

Try still, but all the pills can never kill

What eventually will be my death

And everyone thinks that it’s ok

But I’ve never been farther from that place

I can’t keep on living this way

In sordid hopes I’m digging my grave

If I catch some luck I might

Take too much tonight

Cuz everywhere I go

It’s there, it follows

I’m an ignoble fool at best

And weaker than all the rest

But I don’t fear what befalls

For my mind here has already fallen

Every beginning or choice I make is wrong

Cuz there’s no such thing as winning at all

Not in this war

Fighting just to stand still

There is no moving forward

I’m pushing for a heart attack

And that’s precisely where I’m at

I know I won’t stop until the last plate drops

One by one, they all become done and naught

My silent hurricane inside

Is praying for the end, a place to rest and hide

Some things are simply not meant to be

And lately I feel that that thing

Is me.