5.13

Everything’s more fucked up than it seems

Words never near enough to explain anything

The devil has me in hand again

Have you ever seen God in it

Everything’s more empty than it looks

Everyone so distant and can’t say what I should

Have you ever been to hell, this week

From the back of your skull where it carries

Have you ever been so thirsty but cannot take a drop

Have you ever seen 

Tell me, where did you find God 

With eyes sewn shut

Have you ever for long stood so still

You see the dark man at the window sill

You held my hand once

But I can’t keep my balance

Have you ever slept with hell

So dark in the corners of this cell

Felt your heart slip from your chest 

bones separate from the sinew and flesh

Have you ever had the ground’s deep waters

But run for days only to find rotten cisterns

Standing in a circle clear

where no one knows that I’m here

With skin so thin

That It always seems to gets back in

I can’t see, you can’t understand it

And we wander

Have you ever seen God here

I would meet Him anywhere

Have you ever been to hell, this week

I’m standing in this circle clearing

There’s a devil and a scream that I keep hearing

This is all I’ve got

Tell me, have you seen God?

5.12

So disconnected from this reflection

I can’t say why I let it happen

Where did it go, my heart grown so old

I won’t fool myself though

Nothing can hold or touch a soul

And healing is just a feeling, nothing more

All the things we labor and learn to ignore

It’s not me

But it’s me everyday

I can’t be 

Okay living in yesterday

A hole in my chest, an empty emotion

I run to the edge of this ocean

Just to turn back again

Who loves what’s been faded

I’ve become so jaded

A watered down version

Of who I was made

It’s not me

But it’s me everyday

I can never seem 

To be okay today

Everything’s the promise of the next thrill

A let down and its all going downhill

From here

Hit the top and lost

The rest of the feelings I’ve got

But I won’t know it until the time is gone.

Too Much Time


Every day is the same

There’s nothing I can say

I hate to complain

But nothing fortunate feels the same

When my fractured insides died

And there’s nothing left but the time

Waiting for someone to burn the ashes remaining away
So be careful what you wish for 

When there’s not much left

Depending on the answer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That a fool prayed to leave behind

Now all that’s left is

Too much time
I’ve had an attitude that’s bad enough  I know

But really I’m just all used up and alone

Can we start again

I didn’t mean the things I said

You never can get used to it

Waiting for anyone to use the ending
So be careful what you wish for 

When there’s not much left

Once you’ve caught the cancer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That you tried to leave behind

Now all that’s left

Is too much time.
How did we get here

Making nothing that’s left clear

How did I end up this way

With no truth that I can bring myself to say

Who will ever know

Who will ever see 

The hardest pill to swallow

-The real story?
So be careful what you wish for

When there’s nothing left

Once you’ve caught the cancer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That we prayed to leave behind

Now all that’s left of you and I

Is too much time. 

4.17 Free Write

Everybody’s okay

I don’t know if we just drank the kool aid

Or if they found other ways

These words are made of paper mache 
I thought this was supposed to be fun

But I don’t want to invite anyone

Round and round, up then down

In a lesser hell

I don’t wanna live my life 

on a carousel 

The one that we all know so well…
Everybody’s okay

At a certain age of expiry

Are you supposed to just hide in it your bones?

One thing used to mean something

Now nothing is anything

And the ending is everything
But everybody’s okay

How are you, I’m fine today

So let’s pass the time and waste

some

So dizzyingly numb
I thought this was supposed to work some day

But before any flame, it all goes away

Round and round, up a little then down

In a lesser hell

I guess we’re passing life

On a carousel.

Indefinitely

You know, I would have stayed

Definitely

I wouldn’t have left you alone

Unless you had asked me to go

Even then, I would likely try and pretend

That It didn’t hurt me as much as it did
I know the signals are always mixed

In the midst of difficult circumstances

But when it comes to how much you matter to me

I said what I meant, not just what was convenient

But I’m also imperfect and will never have an apology that’s flawless

For all of the times I’ll surely say something thoughtless

I wish that I could read your mind so that I could make it better

and be what you needed right then

But I can’t if you are unwilling to help me understand

I know not everything I say is easy to hear

And I have my many faults that I’ll own for sure

But not a word I wrote was ever meant to hurt

I’m always willing to apologize a thousand times, and try my best to change

but can’t if you don’t tell me what I did to cause you pain

I’ll always believe in working out conflicts and misunderstandings

But you just leave again, without saying anything

And I’m left just to wonder a hundred other things

If we are both stones- stubborn and unknown, each again on our own-

You must be a  Playa Desert stone

For I’ve never seen one quite so apt to get up and go

Though I know I can be too

So I may get that part of you

Or perhaps I’m just too young to apprehend the truth

I want to understand you, but could you me too?

I may have A Lesser Darkness dwelling within

Like most of us; but mine is less hidden

We all have our light and our dark

but I had hoped that you could see my heart

And know that light always shines through

I said I love you

And that never changes or goes away

Even in the midst of the highs and lows we all face

Just as the ocean always remains

It is calm and steady, but rages in the same

For the rivers and tides ever ebb and flow

but always return to where they were meant to go

I don’t want to dog you too much

But I thought you would be as close and for as long

As I would Indefinitely be able to carry on

Or be somewhere near

All whether it’s never- six months, or a year

I won’t take or place the blame on anyone

I often feel foolish, feeling like the only one

Who in some subtle way is always holding on

I forget a lot of facts, but never can a face

I’m always looking back on those who just won’t stay

So I’m writing again for you

It’s the last thing I can do

I don’t why you affect me like you do

Surely you must know how deeply this hurts me too

Of course I’ll still be here waiting for you

And for impermanence

Because everything worth it is always

Indefinite.

4.9 


The only constant is change

or at least it’s what they say

And I repeat it

To encourage you today

Though perhaps it’s just a lie

Of well-intentioned phrase

I don’t know if I believe today

in optimistic words I say

I think that once expired

Life goes in preset phase

Once Monochrome 

or of the most brilliant of colors now unknown

But now every hour It’s ever a challenge

not to look back and miss

The long lost days of ignorant innocent bliss

Because the good old days have passed away

No more black,white, or colors

Only different types of grey

The youth has faded from our faces

But when I close my eyes I still see you the same

But look in mine and see that I’m

Sorry for the parts that I let die

When you managed to hold on to something worthwhile

And I can’t believe how easily

I fall, when I do

To let words destroy me

When they were meant to encourage me too

I’m amazed at the power of a word carelessly spoken

How much I let it hurt when it’s the subject that’s so loaded

I’d think I’d have grown and matured enough that when those words are spoken

I’d be strong enough to not let the reminders tear nagging wounds reopened

But It took years to show my face in public again

“Everything changes,”I replied with confidence

To comments misplaced in faultless ignorance

But really it wasn’t me that’s changed

Much as as the circumstance has

They’re different now

I used up my power in how it worked out

But I’ve never fought like I do now

How can I put the past to rest

When it’s always brought up

from the dead again

But believe me, never for a second do I forget

I never could, not even for a moment

But it won’t be spoken of again

Not by me at least

Because appearances don’t mean anything

And there’s nothing left to change

Life has its price of death to pay

these lessons will at last have their way

In me.

The Losing Faith

How did you expect I would reply?
Did you think I’d happily, docilely comply? 

What did you expect me to do

When you already perfectly knew?
Because you know me completely
How my skin crawls at night

The one and only who sees me

all of the time

In between those dead days and black nights now

Do you hold it against me 

But tell me it’ll work out?
You know it will never- I will never change, 

But you still hunt me to look inside my frame

Sifting my one deepest fault through

That I always tried to hide from you

Because being human was no excuse
What did you expect me to do?

For even my very tongue is split in two

I couldn’t achieve 

being quite so masochistic

Thanks but what is forgiveness

If it’ll never fix it?

What is “good” anyway

But just another terror that is evaded?
All this rumor of air

Doesn’t fill my lungs

All this talk of care

Doesn’t kill my hunger
There’s no settling this and you know it as well as I 

I don’t trust you, it’s no secret

But against you, I can’t fight

You win every time- 

a thousand to one

It was a day of silence when you said I was done

And now there’s nothing you permit me but to think upon what I’ve become
You always break me open slow

bone by single bone

You broke me down again

Because I was human
You sent all the warnings

That it was time to lament the end

You sent me doves for mourning

But what good is it to me 

When morning again ascends?
For even the cruelest bird of prey 

Eventually returns to its mate

But seasons don’t change

For a solitary heart in chains 

Not in innocence, but pain

You know my ways alone

Cursed and carved in stone
So just have your way

As if there were anything else that I could say

But if you expect me to be able to go along

Hopeful and holding onto a happy song

I’m so very sorry that I’ll do it all wrong

And feel like the most tired, hungry, unruly of the dogs

Because that’s all that I feel I am now 

After so long.