6.19 free write

I once was a daughter

of many things

I once was a lover

In many ways

I once was a fighter 

For many a cause

I once was a writer

To try and hold on

I once sang a song

Now lost from my tongue

I once could imagine not

What it was like to look back

And wish I had never gotten so far

They all “understand” to save me from arrogance 

But none in the heart  

I once could take part

And speak in their tongues well fed

Of love, lust, and ignorance

Am I supposed to need? 

It’s a debt I will never meet

I once was a member of the waking world racing ahead

Now I whisper in hushed whispers, speaking from the dead

Read me all the rules again

Are there really no solutions

Though I’ve been here a thousand tormented nights

I’ll trade my skin in to make it the last time

I now am a beggar

I now am a fool

Trading in legacy

For a depraved soul.

6.8 free write

I don’t know what to do

I feel that theres no future

So I’ll tell it all to you

Cuz I’ve got nothing left to lose 

Anymore
Hidden and kept secret

In the light of day

You can see it in my face 

But I can only show you pain

Anymore
I’ve got a tension

Like nothing you’ve ever seen

I don’t want attention

But I’m tearing at the seams
I don’t know what to do

Its too bright and too loud to hear you

I feel I’ve lost my mind tonight

hungry and unsatisfied

All I want is dead and gone

Won’t you please take me far away from

This world
An optimistically deadly mix

Of too many pills and cigarettes

If it helps or kills

I tend to forget

Cuz my names

Gotten so far away

I can remember

Nothing but the pain

Anymore
Lying in the street tonight

Counting all the dying lights

And the mistakes they eat me alive

Day and night, I can’t fight 

anymore
I don’t know what to do

Its too dark too silent to hear you

I feel I’ve lost my mind tonight

hungry and unsatisfied

All I want is dead and gone

Won’t you please take me far away from

This world?

5.31

Every night I feel that I 

Could lay it all down on the line

why do I hold my tongue so tight

When it always could be the last night

To feel, to be, to breathe, to need

Wasting any potential memory

The past is dead

But only it seems to ever live again 

Only as the parts best forgotten
I thought you were fine

I guess they were all wrong

I thought it was alright

But you’ll sing one final song
Garden variety

we stitch it on our sleeves

We hear it all the time

And it puts everyone at ease
I’ve already burned too much time

Trying to scrub it from my skin

It can’t be lie

If the truth lies within it
I see through the lines

I guess they were all wrong

I thought it wasn’t time

But you’ll sing one final song
Every time could be the last 

Thought that you were fine

But guess they never saw past it.

~~~~

You held up a picture

Right in front of my face

A tiny little child; a sad, helpless babe

With eyes so bright

In this world out of place

A lucidity too hard to erase

Why would you call this one

Out of an empty space?

One to understand

Far too young

To move and manipulate man

Just to get out from

Dependency- a fundamental of infancy

It was never with intent

But you never told me if it was all planned

There are billions 

Couldn’t I have been left as the silent one?

Only For a Day

I came of age in a hall

No doors or windows, only walls

I drove them all away

So not even ghosts come out to play
Pain is an ever present lover

Never in the end with any other

The clock on the wall

With every second 

threatens to end it all
the Emptiness screams so loud

How can you get in or out

But don’t worry

I’m already gone
Can someone save me 

Even for a moment

Something to remember 

For the next time I’m insane
I just need to know

That there is a place to hope

Somewhere I can carry to rest my weary bones

The temple is nowhere

Nowhere that I know

Will you hide me away

Even if it’s only 

For a day
the Emptiness screams so loud

How can I get in or out

But don’t worry

I’ve already gone insane
Can someone save me 

Even for a moment

Something to remind me

For the last time I am lost.

5.13

Everything’s more fucked up than it seems

Words never near enough to explain anything

The devil has me in hand again

Have you ever seen God in it

Everything’s more empty than it looks

Everyone so distant and can’t say what I should

Have you ever been to hell, this week

From the back of your skull where it carries

Have you ever been so thirsty but cannot take a drop

Have you ever seen 

Tell me, where did you find God 

With eyes sewn shut

Have you ever for long stood so still

You see the dark man at the window sill

You held my hand once

But I can’t keep my balance

Have you ever slept with hell

So dark in the corners of this cell

Felt your heart slip from your chest 

bones separate from the sinew and flesh

Have you ever had the ground’s deep waters

But run for days only to find rotten cisterns

Standing in a circle clear

where no one knows that I’m here

With skin so thin

That It always seems to gets back in

I can’t see, you can’t understand it

And we wander

Have you ever seen God here

I would meet Him anywhere

Have you ever been to hell, this week

I’m standing in this circle clearing

There’s a devil and a scream that I keep hearing

This is all I’ve got

Tell me, have you seen God?

5.12

So disconnected from this reflection

I can’t say why I let it happen

Where did it go, my heart grown so old

I won’t fool myself though

Nothing can hold or touch a soul

And healing is just a feeling, nothing more

All the things we labor and learn to ignore

It’s not me

But it’s me everyday

I can’t be 

Okay living in yesterday

A hole in my chest, an empty emotion

I run to the edge of this ocean

Just to turn back again

Who loves what’s been faded

I’ve become so jaded

A watered down version

Of who I was made

It’s not me

But it’s me everyday

I can never seem 

To be okay today

Everything’s the promise of the next thrill

A let down and its all going downhill

From here

Hit the top and lost

The rest of the feelings I’ve got

But I won’t know it until the time is gone.

Too Much Time


Every day is the same

There’s nothing I can say

I hate to complain

But nothing fortunate feels the same

When my fractured insides died

And there’s nothing left but the time

Waiting for someone to burn the ashes remaining away
So be careful what you wish for 

When there’s not much left

Depending on the answer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That a fool prayed to leave behind

Now all that’s left is

Too much time
I’ve had an attitude that’s bad enough  I know

But really I’m just all used up and alone

Can we start again

I didn’t mean the things I said

You never can get used to it

Waiting for anyone to use the ending
So be careful what you wish for 

When there’s not much left

Once you’ve caught the cancer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That you tried to leave behind

Now all that’s left

Is too much time.
How did we get here

Making nothing that’s left clear

How did I end up this way

With no truth that I can bring myself to say

Who will ever know

Who will ever see 

The hardest pill to swallow

-The real story?
So be careful what you wish for

When there’s nothing left

Once you’ve caught the cancer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That we prayed to leave behind

Now all that’s left of you and I

Is too much time.