10.20 free write

I have so very much to be grateful for I know

Means to survive and more but it doesn’t seem to show

On my face or in my soul

When each day I wake to remind myself this all

Tell myself to rise upon the new with a better attitude

But feel it’s ties so strong that I don’t know what to do

Was it all written or just a bad decision

That I waste my life away in an old abandoned prison

In a World getting so small

It’s hard to remember

What it felt like at all

To invest or at least bet

the fragmented heart that’s left in my chest

I can’t even guess where to start

But I’m first to bet the rest of the road hard

As it was from the beginning

And there never was any way of winning

Like a steep precipice or being trapped beneath the ice

And everybody’s got their own holy advice

Take it or cast away, but if you do

They’ll assume the worst of you

I would put it on them

Just to make them understand

That I didn’t choose this, I had better fucking plans

And disability doesn’t dismiss responsibility

As if I’m enjoying myself having become someone else

Or devised in advance my device for an easy hand

But who’s qualified to decide if I’m doing all I can

But the one who’s suffering the consequences?

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10.19 

Eleven days, was all that it was supposed to take

It occurred to me, perhaps that’s why it’s all just a waste

Insidious it crept for me to get there

It took that long to get, or even be made aware

This is the price that I pay evermore

To the very last cent which I cannot afford

For a crime that stares from my eyes each night

But we all wait, no matter who’s wrong or right

I am foolish, unsurpassedly and so

Five bitter and slow, thirty- five more to go

No time taken for good behavior

I lie shaken and there are no saviors

For who can really resist the hand of punishment

It doesn’t feel as justice, but nothing can or ever did

And my spirit has become this very barren desert

As I hear for what’s been done I carry as I deserve

I feel everything and nothing in the very same, hidden just beneath thin skin 

I sever all of what remains, and breathe in the dust to begin

So I’ll smile again, fake it and face up to fate

Because all of these feelings are only relative anyway

And if they inquire as to why

I’ll probably lie 

that everything and I 

am just fine.

9.30 free write

Was it too much to ask to see some kind of hope

Even if at a distance

But it’s farther in the past the further that I go

Until I’m right back at where I began

God only knows the way that I am

How my heart beats and my soul screams

Where all torture and toil is made as nothing

High up above yet below everything

But could anyone feel the weight collectively

Or too this way feel everything

Who ever can, for I have well seen

We see through our eyes

We breathe our own lives

I fly out to look upon from the other side

And comparatively they’re all even and steady in stride 

But I hope God goes out to look through my eyes

To see precisely how hard I’ve tried

Would I be justified in venturing to say though

that I have known suffering of kinds that most will never know

But I neither doubt nor pity nor hold any regrets

I know so little now, but that I did my very best

Now won’t You look upon and bring an end to what had no purpose from the start

Won’t You come take some pity on the torment in my heart

That’s whittled at my bones, emptied of marrow;

From my eyes hidden hope and forsaken all my tomorrow’s 

No I think no one knows

They don’t need to though

It has ever been an audience of one

Only You I know see all that has been had and done

So consider me pardoned when I meet my approaching fate

Finish what was started; send or take me forever away

For we know what comes

Now let it be done. 

9.25

We each hold only time

In our weary hands

Which we can neither leave nor find

No matter what we had hoped or planned

But I never could have thought

It would be so hard

Just to carry on

Trying not lose my heart 

to apathy
But I have to find some

reason to believe 

That anyone can be something more

Than all of the failures and things we have known before 

For I cannot return 

to what is left behind 

Even if I still burn 

with this torment that’s trapped inside
Most of the days just seem like another to waste 

As I keep on chasing what was taken away

For reasons of some kind that I cannot see

Peace and hope all the while ever eluding me
But I have to find some

reason to believe 

That I can be something more

Than all of the failures and things that I have known before 

For I cannot return 

to what is dead behind 

Even if I still burn 

with this torment I’ve masked inside
Ever aware of the passing days

To where every care seems to pass away

And feeling so dead keep on pushing ahead

There must be only one thing left. 

P.58 

        Shawna had evidently been spending more and more time on our facility the last couple months, so it was within the hour that I was called into her office with no reasonable defense for my actions other than a childish outburst I had coming.  

“You know this kind of behavior I should discharge you. Then where are you going to live? I think you know this was immature and unacceptable.”

       “Of course I do. I never do anything with my anger. It was extremely uncharacteristic, but I have no excuses.” I didn’t fight her on this one. 

“I swear, anyone else and they would be gone so fast their head would spin, but that’s what you want. But You know most people here want to be here…but I’m not going to just let you go home to keep doing what you were doing.”

        “I didn’t exactly do anything with the intention of getting kicked out for bad behavior, I was unaware that was an option. So you’re not kicking me out?”

“Don’t sound so disappointed, no I’m not- only because I talked to sherice and she said you don’t usually do these sorts of things. Actually, she was even a bit excited that you had finally taken out your anger on something other than yourself.”

    I was silent. 

“No more impulsively wrecking things. I can’t dismiss one more thing or people will start to believe they can get away with anything around here. Do we have an agreement?”

      “Yes, we do concur.”

She even had written up a contract for me to sign- she loved those things. 

“Now that pass isn’t happening for at least another month.”

       “That’s fair.”

“Your Jacob will have to wait,” she continued. “Though I still do not condone your continuing communications- much less meeting. I think it’s a terrible idea and just the little of your conflicts and conversations you’ve relayed, I think he’s going to undo everything I’ve been trying to work on with you.”

         “Thanks for your concern, but I can manage myself the imminent destruction of my limited interpersonal relationships,” I laughed. “I know I have no business in a relationship, but you know nothing lasts, so let me at least see where it goes; I usually never care about anyone, and he’ll be the last guy whose time I’ll ever waste again. ”

“Relationships aren’t a waste- I just think he in particular is damaging for your fragile condition. You already hate yourself, and he seems to be perpetuating that.”

          “Still. The older I get I think I’m realizing that I just don’t like being around people. But I’m not that fragile when it comes to heartbreak. I’ve got bigger problems than the trivial fear of ‘ending up alone’.” Big deal, I’ve already come to terms with that I’m going to be the crazy old lady living up on a mountain with a bunch of bats, or crows, or hell, maybe I’ll just go straight for the shotgun approach.”

“You just keep telling yourself that, but you don’t know yourself at all. I think you care a lot and are terrified of another rejection. That’s why you’re walking on eggshells, tolerating his shaming tactics, and hiding every part of you but what you think he won’t accuse.” 

        “I’m glad you know all about him.” I countered. 

and you defend him…”she concluded.      “but that’s not what I wanted to get into this evening. I have an assignment for discussion. I’d like you to reflect on how your eating disorder has negatively affected your life throughout the years, and try to come up with some new coping mechanisms.”

         I laughed and couldn’t help but roll my eyes a bit, “Sorry, but ‘coping mechanisms’ don’t work. I think if they did I would have been able to make at least one work by now. You should know it just doesn’t work like that. That’s all just a different kind of misery.”

“They can’t work if you don’t want them to.”

        “But if the problem were so easy as to will a distraction mechanism to work better- as though I haven’t tried- it wouldn’t be such an issue would it? But how it’s affected my life? For starters I would preface any lame- ass answer with the fact that foremost: from the outside, I know it’s all fucking retarded.”

“See you’re doing it again-”

         “Come on, I mean who can’t figure out how to properly feed themselves? It’s objectively insane and I understand why most people don’t get it or why it’s so fucking hard; maybe like a migraine- you don’t know what it feels like unless you’ve had one. It’s been by far the worst and best thing that’s ever happened to me; I mean it had its benefits up until a certain age… other than a long hospitalization, It was just fine up until my early twenties where everything changes all over again and you spend a decade trying to readapt to something that will change again by the time you’ve got your head anywhere near the surface in regards to figuring out how to balance it with your life. I managed to cope just fine most of that time; while balancing work, school, a relationship, and maintain my personal peace and sanity; all that normal shit. It’s normal if you’re a teenage girl- but still struggling even worse with it a decade later is just fucking embarrassing. I can’t even live my life.”

“Well it is true that at a certain age it stops ‘working’ the way it used to; and these things do get worse with age if you can’t overcome the insistence on unattainable ideals.”

       “No shit. I’d rather eat a bullet than live another decade into this.”

9.20 free write

Wonder what could come next

When living so disconnected

With all at a lull, low or dead

Will You honor my final request

Which direction do I wander in

to another end so depleted

To a different kind of vague and incomplete

We’re most just running in Circles though

So show me to where I should go

As for here or there, I’ve no more will nor care

For It’s all hollow and transparent still 

Even at the end of all having been fulfilled. 

9.16 free write

Miles to go before we can sleep

But when we get where we’re going

There’ll be no dreams

It’s never really fair, the way the cards fall

And so we sit and stare at the clock on the wall

Waiting for an ending

Waiting for a promise

When we’ll stop descending

And finally garner some solace

Time is running out

You just can’t see it now

I did, I was, everything without

Now It’s hard to motivate 

What never seems to change anyway

Can you see and feel

What was never really real

But Times have vanished and now I sleep

With all my damage, having exhausted everything

So lead on, my dead heart to its dutiful place

But after make known to me the length of my days.