3.19 free write2

I only came to make sure you were okay because I’m so afraid to ever stay

I don’t even know how to explain because it doesn’t make sense on most days

Why it feels this way all the time, the something gnawing inside that no comfort can pacify

Because the truth is that today I’m so afraid of everything

There is no saving equation, Seems like it’ll never be okay again

They say the only constant is the changing tide and I’m thinking they’re right

because it’s always growing consuming out of control and truth be told I already saw the end of this road

And I can’t even manage myself, when everything done just adds to a specific hell

Who am I kidding, it doesn’t matter how long’s spent waiting and wishing, when this just is what it is

Who I am, having become so weak and defeated with all the warnings now screaming at me

Failure is familiar but I wish for once it could be more, something worth reaching and working for

Did you know you’re still always in my mind and I wonder the reasons why I feel this way despite so distant an idea

But nothing’s ever normal with me, nothing makes sense and it seems it’s the way it has to be

I am always

So many things

But you are always

A part of me

Never doubt that’s how I feel, but in my world I can’t even tell what’s real

And I’m so afraid in my wars that always take me away by force

Living in an insane wonderland, that I’m not sure anyone could understand

And I wonder if you could love the real me, or only the idea

Or wonder how much you care, what you feel, and I always doubt that you’ll still be there if time can really heal

But I don’t think anything can and I’m just running away from the simple truth that I’d never make it back

Why do I love you so much

Why do I have to look so foolish

When I’m so afraid of everything I touch.


3.19 free write

I know all of our lives are within someone else’s hands

But I wonder how long a broken heart itself can last

With a beat that’s quite sideways and all the warnings signs these days

Would there be regret for everything unsaid or unknown or are some simply truths best left to their own

Because something burns very wrong in the stars and things just don’t turn out turn how we thought from the start

I’m so very fucking sorry, But they’ll never even know why or what of

When they’re holding onto shitty stories of happy endings and love

Because for every happy thing there’s twelve tragedies you don’t know, but we can censor them all away to create the semblance of hope

When hope is fucking relative and tired and so is their goddamn consolation, What good is a matter undesired which always befalls its patients

What good is joy to be painted on a face, how they they say that it’s simply a choice to be made

Is learning to love and accept the things you hate really worth all of the bullshitting it takes

Let the chips shatter and fall where they may, but regarding final matters I am not afraid

It all took too long anyway

So we rise to a brand new day but really just find it’s still all the same

Who will be the one to finally bring the change

Because the Maker already has plenty of sick kids to look after, when you can look around to see the devastation act like cancer

They ask me for what I’m after

Nothing anymore, not that fucking matters

To be forgotten about, but I just can’t seem to shut my mouth

For all my bitterness surrounding this and the countless increments

Leading down to the same god forsaken place as above, where supposedly people really chased just wanting to be loved

But it’s hard to imagine a heart that’s not merely invested for the benefit of its part

For are we not all merely selfish from time to time, perhaps sometimes love is really what’s read between the lines

Does somewhere in time it exist, a way to derive sense out of this

Can you hear what is unread, could it be understood why I fear and remain unsaid

Do the cosmics tortured scream loud enough for us to hear, will this curse be borne upon us until the end is too near

It could have been a beautiful night but I feel I can hear it already.

3.16 free write

Six years now I’ve wandered these places, just like the old man had said

All hopes disappeared and forsaken, nothing but this staff in my hand

Just like You had planned, or was this just me and You have abandoned

I climbed up on my mountain and said how much longer will You turn around and forget, You let me lose everything, with nothing to replace it

“Do You even see me now, are you really looking down

Do you know my heart or was it lost back at the Start?”

And You broke open a space in the clouds blackening the day, to send a single ray to illuminate that high place

And the valleys were dark and I thought I had finally caught Your attention, Though I didn’t have to travel so far, I’ve got so many questions

“I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and if I do I’m awoken by my screams, I desire to keep no company and I’ve given up all of these things; they are as nothing to me

I loathe each day more than these words will ever explain, I hate the feelings in my skin, but I’m trapped within them

I’ve fallen under a curse where nothing I do to change ever fucking works

And all common sense of rules and mechanics make me their sole exception, having to run so far each day just to slow my regression

Why let me live just to fantasize about the minute You’ll finally let me die

And not hold it against me to my condemnation, when I want to kill myself and You know me well, there’s no room left for patience

Give Your blessings to someone else, and save these lessons for my younger self, I am gone and dead for all accounts, they’ll never know me again, so send someone else

Why bring me from the womb when You knew I would so quickly be consumed

The drugs can’t help me anymore when I’ve exhausted their use, it’s come time we settle this score as I cannot any longer make due

What even still is good, give me direction to do what I should, then let me be dismissed, because I can’t handle this!”

And all You say is hey look at these birds, as You send them onwards, ever in twos of all different colors

Does that even mean anything, or are You just looking at me and laughing

I know Your cares and priorities are not mine, but cannot You spare me this one thing I’m crying

These months have been torture, I’ve been standing upon the border

I lose my mind and then refind it again only to start right back where I began

Hemmed in, a stranger to myself and everybody else, what is even left to try and escape my hell?

I’ve gone to insane extremes only to find I can’t change anything

Much more than three times I’ve laid out my fleece, and I’m just surprised God listens to me

I know You’re not supposed to test Him so much to prove Himself , but I figure what’s the worst He can do to one who’d already tried to kill themself

And He granted each specification of my proposed tests, requiring they be inane and inconsequential, but they were done nonetheless

So I know there is God, though I can be tempted to throw it out, when life keeps on fucking me and I can’t live it down

I just don’t get His ways or this world, or why He’d give a shit about a whiny bitter girl

But let everything stay the same, while death keeps on taking only the good ones away

When I’m no one and dust and damn far from just, and these are the ones He lets live on to rust

So on I just wander and mourn what is lost, with too much time to ponder for all the thorns I’ve got.

3.10 free write

Why when I look around does it feel just like an end, when there were things that were supposed to still happen

A future so hypothetical with no application of reality, like we’re all just killing the time waiting for something we’ll never find

Like they’re just waiting for their kids to get better, and their son or daughter waiting for better weather

Taking our time and I’m watching more lines showing up on everyone’s faces, while still getting nowhere in all their races, just waiting and chasing for some way to change things

Always looking to tomorrow, hoping for what’s so far, when really all there ever is are the moments we discard

Wishing they meant something more than they do, to me, to you, ideas we hold on to

I’ll be the first to admit I make this mistake, unimpressed by everything, I just sit wasting my life away

Because it all looks and feels the same, and I know I’m not the only one who sees the stupid game

I think ignorance is bliss as is emptyheadedness, it seems the secret to surrender or to enjoy the little that life renders

And you’re lucky if you find yourself a good thing, someone or anything to hold or worth chasing

Perhaps the mundane would be more understood to me, were it that it did not always sting

Always stealing the awareness such that in these dealings I could not care less

And I watch everyone near in my life and wonder how they can appear so occupied, fully engrossed in whatever pursuit, with no nagging host to sever their to do’s

Or people speak of distraction, as though there’s only one track in each moments dues, I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do

How do they make it look so easy to not remember, how do they block out all the voices hanging in the silence, surely they hear them, don’t they?

Can they hear my thoughts like theirs are screaming in my head, is it even possible or should I too pretend

That I’m in this moment and not a thousand miles away, that I even give a shit about the things for which we wait

I guess I’m not at all excited because I don’t operate in the same ways, seems to me we’ve passed the highs and all that remains is slow decay

Perhaps I’m just a pessimist who needs to be proven wrong, I haven’t been incorrect just yet but I’d love to change my song

I’d love to believe that there is a future to be had and made, that everything’s not just taking too long to shatter and disintegrate

I knew if you want something, you ought to go for it today, but if you want nothing, it’s only a waiting game

And I desire nothing that can ever be had, so all the time I’m wasting, I hope I’ll never want back.

3.9 free write

It’s so heavy on my chest that I can barely take a breath, but for all of my endurance it never hurts any less

Like suffocating for weeks on end in the spaces between those two breaths

Withering spirit inside exhausted, my mind is ever either high or hypoxic

Stuck on a ride I can never get off of, getting harder to hide just how bad that I’ve gotten

And I’m sorry to my mother and my father and every other person who ever even bothered

All those years ago they said that it would get better when she was older, if she wasn’t bipolar, or at least that’s what the doctors all told her

But she never really did improve, now look at what the years tend to do

When did life get so hard so fast, I guess the good parts were never meant to last

Like I’m living in hell all alone, but you can still tell more lies down below

And the fear grips about my neck and I can’t say what I need before I forget

I’ve never felt this way before so I can’t fabricate a way forward

I should try to talk to someone but the words just won’t seem to come

And I’m angry and I’m thinking of all the ways I could sink me

Down to the bottom at last so the falling could at long pass

And I don’t think they see just how violent these things can be

Because I already feel like I’ve died a thousand times, every time I rise just to face the same goodbyes

To all hope or peace or any future worth knowing, though try try try again it’s not worth the fight in the end

Not for all the torment when my mind permits no rest, waging war on my flesh and bone, sealing in my regrets

I feel so fucking old so how can I believe in something new, when nothing I have seen or been told are anything but bitter truths

I see it within and around, not knowing how they manage to live it out now

and I say the same old things day after day, but I didn’t know I could feel so afraid

Like being trapped beneath the surface, and you can’t breathe but most other people seem just perfect

And further I go the more I understand what I didn’t want to know, the why’s or the how’s some have chosen to go

To jump from a high precipice in favor of facing a present abyss

Just wanting the feeling to go away, if you find there’s no healing and it’s all the same

And it’s pressing me down so threateningly now that I fear it shall be the way I go out

God has departed, as I thought when I started and the lie of hope is a bird that has flown so far away from me, my heart has ceased beating

And failed for despair; who can save now, do I even care

When my heart is a tomb of which whom may exhume?


I feel so numb and overcome that I’ve nothing to say but the redundant words of a child too lost to think straight

I hate everything and every fucking thing brought by every day

Its all the same dumb stuff and I’ve wasted my fucks, run out of patience and I’ve given up

I don’t know I care to try anymore, I can’t feel anything but hopelessness hate and scorn

With a fire that burns so hot who’d dare to look upon, perhaps I’m not the person you thought but still I just go on and on and on

With all of this gnawing inside, I swallow it back down to hide

Because one little spark and they’re scared, having seen not even the smallest part, unaware and unprepared

But I pray the flames will finally kill me because I’m finding I’m weary and unwilling

oh god aren’t you so sick of my bitching, but it doesn’t really matter as the decision is I’m ditching

Most every fucking one, there’s nothing left undone

I don’t belong though maybe I’m wrong on just a couple of points, but for everything done I hope no one’s disappointed

That I’d cast it all into the sea, in a fucking heartbeat, for all I feel inside is that there’s nothing but debris

And hate and misery and pain and all of my own stupid fucking distain

That I just couldn’t get over, that I just couldn’t be stronger, but now that it’s known, I can’t continue any longer

Maybe it’s I’ve been off the meds for too long, but deep inside it says they can’t save me of what I’m running from

Like I was just a fucking loaded gun or a time bomb ticking from the moment I had begun

So I’ll save all my drama, of this inexplicable trauma and say that there’s none who can pull me back from what I’ve become

Fuck everything that was or will be, I’m so fucking done and I’ve become the enemy

Who can bring me back from the rubble when I live my fucking life trapped within this bubble

I just wanted to feel anything or anyone else, but in the end only destroyed myself

I hate myself so I tried to change, but in this hell I’m left with what I hate, disgust and discord, and mistrusting because I couldn’t afford

Anyone to call it but the one who had to feel and deal with all the shit, fall back and the consequences, all that left me so defenseless

Because you’re right, they don’t understand it, though maybe they once too might have been handed all this hatred, but I never could stand it

I can’t fucking take this anymore, but taking it is all I’ve got and there’s nothing to look forward

Who I once was has become just one with the mud, invisible to all but a trained eye from above

And I will disappear as I have a little more with every passing year

So let’s try to make something to feel inside and remember back, because when comes Time it’s likely all we can ever have.

Free Write 3.1

It’s all going to sound the same for me to ever say anything more

But sometimes I still feel that I owe explanation of some sort

But I don’t care because God is here but He’s not there

And they talk to me all the time but nothing they say ever changes my mind

It’s not that I don’t want to feel better, it’s just I know I’ll never get my shit together

Who am I kidding, this is who I am, and at a certain point there was no way back

I’ve come to terms with this and all that has happened

that I’ll always live alone as it is, fine just not happy

But not because I’m lonely, but that it’s the only thing that’s feasible

When life has become so goddamn unreasonable and I can’t seen to explain it to anyone

I can’t have them see what I’ve become when I don’t care for trying to just get over it any longer

Depression is a weak word, just like all of them

That we can hide behind, pretending that inside we’re just fine

I keep the fight most times but all I want to do is close the blinds

And all I feel are these two things, longing for a world of fantasy and searching for the ending

Because I’m tired and the situation’s redemption long expired

Its worn a million years of wear into my flesh so riddled with despair

So I don’t know what I’m waiting for, there is no more moving forward

Clearly we have arrived, just wasting away for a better time

That will never be, as Time steals everything

The obvious mention that life is cold and unfair, but it is to most so perhaps it is there

I just can’t understand how anything is worth it to the world

As impossible for me to see through anything but the tint of what’s so long been reality for me

And they don’t fucking get it and I won’t try to explain one more time

Either the problem is I’m the only one who doesn’t see things right

Or the situations really do so contrast that they can’t fucking fathom the place that I am at

God let me know or understand, why do You leave me here, forsaken and abandoned

Though You said You never would, what difference does it make if it’s all subjective of what is good

Because life is fucking bitter and cruel, useless and agonizing, though I know we’re all just tools

For purposes my heart has grown cold to, whatever the fuck then die is all I want to do

I’ve tried everything you can’t even imagine, all for fucking nothing

I will never be free!

Why do you still even listen to me

Who hears me, who sees

Why do You preserve my life when I only beg to die

Deal making, risk taking, to try and compensate for an irreconcilable fate

That I fucking hate

Why stay to waste away, let the last blows fall

Come and break me down into the pieces that are already so damn small.