The rains began to come and go, but the leaden black sheets above remained, permitting not a single ray of sunlight to break through. It was one of my worse of bad days, because I would confess to having mostly bad days- in my subjective experience that is, not to be compared to the lives of the many I can think of- but regardless, it was another “stupid fucking shit day”, as anyone who knows me in the past year would be familiar with as my reply. It’s with no pride nor ignorance of the state of the world that I say these things, but it sure seems to fit how I feel at the end of the day, for reasons still currently extraneous to expound upon in this context. I’ll just say I was pissed of, with all the usual desperately racing thoughts of finally pulling that fucking trigger- and carry on with the record of these events.
It began to rain again and the hills were rather muddy, but I was sick and teeming and began hiking out to the place I call the Crest because I wanted to get as high as I possibly could. I guess I just like heights. But the Crest is the farthest, tallest hill before a narrow tributary of the valley and then the mountain range. You can see the entire valley and out to the next city from there. I slowly scaled its steep marshy ascent to where it breaks into an abrupt, small plateau. I turned about to take in the sable darkness that claimed every inch of the valleys far as the eye could see. At least the fucking weather finally reflected my perpetual mood. I mindlessly kicked a rock to watch roll all the way down the bluff, before vehemently hurling my staff out into the emptiness below, and turning my eyes back up into the blackness, searching for nothing.
“God I know You’re there, I know You’re listening to me. Thank you that You honored me with going through my silly tests…. However, You knew far from the beginning my intentions, so now will You answer me: why? … You know exactly what I mean. Why has *all this* happened? I lost nearly everything but my parents and the roof they provide over my head. I lost my job, career aspirations, license, relationships, freedom, sanity, health, hope, and ultimately my faith in You. I’m sorry we’ve hardly spoken in years. You know how angry and confused I am? I remember the way it used to be, how sitting atop the stairwell trying to barter with You to live, as though I had anything to give, the way the sunlight streamed in through the bannisters and the way the world looked and felt all so different. Why did You even agree to spare my life those years ago when You knew I would soon end up living through my own seemingly personalized nightmare, where I would just want to off myself everyday, and there seem no solutions. And every fucking one thinks they fucking get it. They have the fucking answers. They say I enjoy this shit. They say all kinds of things that feel they’re just to attempt to enflame me. But fuck what they say, I want to know what You say. Why will You give me anything I ask for but for these circumstances to finally pass away from me? Why? It’s been years and it only gets worse and You see I’m no longer able to handle it with its increasing burden. I want to die, more than anything in this world and You know it as well as I, please just let me get hit by a fucking plane right here so I don’t ever end up doing it myself. I remember so clearly the days that I used to feel the world so differently, experience the autumn breeze within, and look forward to the day. I remember when everything began to change, eroding before me for no reason of which any man could give wisdom nor account for. The little power I had taken from me, my life has become equivocal to the nonsense of a Wonderland or Labyrinth. You knew me from the beginning, You saw my deepest fears and such they came to pass! WHY?!”
I realize these are a few fairly cliche questions regarding why God doesn’t change certain things in our lives, or give us the strength to- but it was a means to simplify my little tantrum, and this is the highly abridged version; all you really need to know was that I was screaming at the sky like a lunatic. Which probably happens much more often than I’d like to admit.
But I shit you not, the moment I finished my little speech, a single, small circular space broke open in the clouds above and the sun shone perfectly through, illuminating only the plateau and shining brightly upon my incensed little countenance. Every hair stood on end and my skin prickled to see that it was indeed the only light acrost the entire horizon. I stood for a few moments looking up into the light before I suddenly had the strong impression that I should start running- not away from anything, just run.
I turned and ran to the light’s edge, of which then spread, illuminating the opposite path of the plateau. I sprinted down it’s passage, surprised by my sudden speed, then leaping off the trail and straight down its face as though I momentarily recalled what it felt like to be a gazelle amidst the fields, effortlessly bounding back up its other side, and continuing on until I arrived back home. Now the reason I include this part with emphasis is because I’ve had an injury to my Soleus for over a decade that has just never seemed to heal. Being that running had been my life, I’ve since had to run in chronic pain, or abandon the activity altogether, which is why I got the mountain bike, and also part of my beginning to use a staff. I used this over six-foot long, perfectly straight tree branch to assist my injured leg, often vaulting myself across the land with it. Ironically, that hasn’t been the only physical issue impeding me from being able to run the way that I used to, so that’s why I was rather surprised for even just a half hour to run with evidently no impairment. I definitely could’ve gotten used to that, but it came back.
I had a doctor appointment a little later that week.