11.16

We’ve come so far from where we began, that there’s no turning back, on to the very end, so why can’t I hide the fear on my face, the way you do as I listen to them say

Who deep inside feel a different morning comes, where one is rising is another setting sun, one that has to die in order for life to go on, I just never thought it’d be so hard to carry on

Does my countenance no longer betray, but if I am myself seems I scare them away, I feel just like somebody else, when I’m seeing through different eyes I can’t slow down the time

I’ve never felt so much but so blank inside and out of touch, when life’s so swift, flashing far too fast, all I care about is finding a part that lasts

But the wars have begun and to each to learn their lesson, a continual tension amidst pursuing the only redemption, and we are all changing because we have to move ahead, but can hardly take a breathe as the pressure never lessens

The same old hum for every day we press on, but all I want’s to feel like enough for someone, when there’s always one coming up to say how it should be done, I’m afraid to admit, but life’s too short for secrets

But they say this is where we’re all supposed to go, how it’s all meant to be, and though we each must walk most alone to grow, why does it feel like the ending?

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11.6 free write

I didn’t think the journey would cost so much, but I ought to know it says you’ve got to give everything up

It was supposed to find peace, but all the pursuit brings is even more grief, striving to do the next right thing, when it makes the open wounds sting

When the loneliness ends because the panic begins, trying to keep friends is akin to chasing the wind, please hold my head up when I can’t even stand

I’ll show you all my scars and shame and take every last part of the blame, because it feels like running out of time to waste, heaven draws near, but there isn’t a thing that you’d want to hear

When I came to this place I was just a child, now I’ve come of age somewhere beyond the wild, where angels will hold you up, even when you didn’t want to come

Where you cannot leave but your tears ever silently grieve, I’ve nowhere else to turn but I’m terrified of Your words, because love is tough and sometimes it seems like it’s just not enough

We are here to learn how to love blind, we are here to leave ourselves behind, so why was it so much better to only take care of what was mine, there can be no peace, only momentary reprieve, a single second you may find buried inbetween

With a single breath from your lips, you can raise me back up or slay me with it, when my existence has become impingent on a rumored kiss or the admonishment of my many sins

So frail am I and the wounds I tried to hide, with no one’s responsibility to heal them but mine, all my years come down to this day, but all I ever wanted was to make my own way

To love someone, to be exonerated of what I’ve done just once, having come full circle after all, I will let you down when you see my faults

Some are here to make us think, some teach us how to feel, some will push us to our brink, others open our eyes to what’s real, passion and pain alone we borrow and exchange, never for tomorrow, only today

How can there be so much time left but it look so very much as the end, how do we keep lying to our hearts, when inside all we want’s to fast forward to the important parts

I am not the same, when most things have to change, no good at handling the small talk or veiling the fewer things I want, but it was never about those things at all

I cannot hide my tears, when I’ve been saving them back for all these years, the illusion has fallen, all that remains is the fading strength I used to draw on, and what I see all around, it seems we most sing the same songs now

Who too would die to feel alive one more time, I’d give it all away for the light to look the same, flooding through your eyes, retinas reading of hope, a kind you can feel, a kind you can actually know.

10.31 free write

What if everyone is wrong, thinking that we know the thoughts of God, what if what they say isn’t true, that you can’t simply choose not to feel the way you do

When we met I saw a field of flowers, far as the eye could see, purple and yellow and every color, each one is somebody

No we can’t confine ourselves to a legacy that belongs to everybody else, I can’t live that life, becoming more evident the more time tells

I dreamt of my field above on the way, in which I toil my share each day, what was dead in this life became vibrant and green, taller than over which that could be seen

I traveled around its every right turn, sunflowers hemming like walls, each one an action so burdensome in this hurt and seeming ever so small

A song rose above as ever they do, a whispered dreaming of being Evergreen with you, to wish that we could run away to a place, where we’d never grow old, never have to die to change

The next day a stranger came and gave me six seeds, I would’ve rather stayed asleep, but I planted them beneath, and water them with my tears each day that I rise, and over these years I see it is our lesson here to die

And this kind of death hurts so much more than the kind we’re all familiar with from before, like your insides are being torn out, cut up into pieces, and forced back down your throat, it never gets any easier- I can only pray to go

I fear there will be nothing left to love, you see, though at a certain point I knew it wasn’t meant for me, I never knew dying could hurt so fucking much, though the world it hasn’t changed- I’ve just woken up

How much does God really know each of our hearts, because He’s so confusing when ours get torn apart, this bed is the only rest I find, where you fall asleep and pretend to die for the last time

Who am I that You should take notice, when my legs are weak, my stomach revolts, my eyes they fool me, for fear of what is beholden, the world spins about with nothing to hold onto, no way out and no hope enough to make it through

There are bits of air sent just to keep us alive, but 99% of the time I wonder even why, all the world is change, and I know that I can never be the same.

10.30 free write

How can I feel so much that I find not the air to say, why did I bother to come so far just to bear the same ache

Hands they shake for the fear inside, whose is the voice calling from the heights, what is the noise you hear that sounds as cries

I thought I saw a light but then it disappeared, to a voice inside that tells me to stay near, but all I can feel is this, ever screaming in my ears

Day and night it does not silence, and I wonder what is thought of their violence, who am I that any voice speak to me gently or of love, can not you see, feel what I’ve done?

Moving forward hurts the most, because still the pain haunts you wherever you go, you see it is as such, and it seems that there is no one, and nothing that can be done

It feels so still like the end of everything, that at the end of our will there is no new thing to bring, around every bend found only more disappointment, still the voices sing to stay

What is there here for you, do you feel the way that I do, impulsion within, an irrational feeling and drive, as though the clock’s ticking was stealing something more than time

The words don’t fit together, I want to throw them all away, it never really gets any better, but I need to believe anyways

I ponder how can it be that not everyone feels this way, regardless if it can ever be explained, the time has come that I’m paying for these mistakes, because you can never walk away- only deal with it in different ways

I can’t tell you anything that you’d like to hear, and times still on horizon are destined to draw nearer, but still the voices say that I have to stay.

10.26 fragment

Images. Endless slowly flickering images. Stills that you never remember seeing before, yet every cell in your body recognizes it- it is familiar. It is time that was yet has not come to pass. One minute you’re somewhere near the beginning and the next minute you’re at the end. The details in between get rather blurry. It was somewhere around then that I realized I could not bear what I saw, and the entire illusion of identity was destroyed in a death so profound that I desperately desired to break every still image that was , and erase it’s character from time’s memory entirely. They say there’s no such thing as time, yet we see it everywhere we go, everyone writes their stories, or of which were written long ago? The pieces are all on the floor now and the vain grasping of life is of pain inviting death. Choices. Choices. They repeat. Will the pain away. My understanding is so thin and the line between them is my downfall.

So now we see the truth.

10.24 fragments

Striving so just to do the next right thing as you go, there’s nothing to say that hasn’t been said before, these feelings are old and they don’t change anymore

At the end of the day, all are just as tired as you, bruised and broken, entirely human, we call out to help and from above, when you can’t help yourself, it’s hard to give or feel love

But it was there, locked inside my chest so tight, as I’m holding my breath in a losing fight, we teach ourselves to fall, we each learn how to let go of it all, losing grip of everything we have ever been

Living is hard, death would be rest, nobody asked, but here we are regardless, all the pain suffocating is testing of patience, but the reasons are lost when we pay it’s high cost

I need help to believe that we can do anything, but don’t know where to go, to give away so you can believe in hope, but how do I lie when I can’t even hide the emptiness in my own eyes

We reach higher, we try harder, work farther, and when we get there struggle to veil that it was to no avail, that hands fall and everyone will fail you, that you can’t outrun what brought you here from the beginning

As though everything between the start and end was whispered to your heart long before you began, we’re in a difference place now, no one finds a way back or out, but still the questions chase because the answers are no better than the pain that first instilled them in our being

What do you want me to say, it’s no secret that we are made whole to break, all we’ll want in the end is someone to hold all the pieces who will understand their shape

But I’ll wait all day and night to even say a word, because I’m bitter and angry inside and there is no comfort, but it’s all we have to offer one another, but most times I wonder why even bother

I see the pictures in my mind, sending chills upon the skin and down the spine, but makes me feel no better for what lies ahead in time

All always only screaming that it’s running out soon.

10.22 free write

How can we feel so much but not find the words to say, how do you live without tomorrow when you’ve never been so afraid

All in a free fall, never knowing if there’s anywhere to land, and at the end of it all, to only understand

A place where it can make sense, if only for a day, for even the hand of providence can’t spare us from dismay

Time creates a longing for what can never last, deepening it’s hold each day, knowing nothing ever can

Do you wonder where you belong, all while you see that the fairy tales are all wrong, and only our pain tells us each that we live on

I want to take what I cannot, can we find a way to live without the clock- I tried to make it stop, sometimes the right is still wrong

Look who’s nearly a stranger in the eyes, tell me can you see the ways that they cry, without a single telltale sign, and wondering can they see mine

All the secrets we only weep, what do you really feel in the silence that you keep, maybe we are never truly free, perhaps all life is is a bittersweet memory

All that’s left to seek for, now, is something to make it all worth it somehow.