6.19 free write

I once was a daughter

of many things

I once was a lover

In many ways

I once was a fighter 

For many a cause

I once was a writer

To try and hold on

I once sang a song

Now lost from my tongue

I once could imagine not

What it was like to look back

And wish I had never gotten so far

They all “understand” to save me from arrogance 

But none in the heart  

I once could take part

And speak in their tongues well fed

Of love, lust, and ignorance

Am I supposed to need? 

It’s a debt I will never meet

I once was a member of the waking world racing ahead

Now I whisper in hushed whispers, speaking from the dead

Read me all the rules again

Are there really no solutions

Though I’ve been here a thousand tormented nights

I’ll trade my skin in to make it the last time

I now am a beggar

I now am a fool

Trading in legacy

For a depraved soul.

6.8 free write

I don’t know what to do

I feel that theres no future

So I’ll tell it all to you

Cuz I’ve got nothing left to lose 

Anymore
Hidden and kept secret

In the light of day

You can see it in my face 

But I can only show you pain

Anymore
I’ve got a tension

Like nothing you’ve ever seen

I don’t want attention

But I’m tearing at the seams
I don’t know what to do

Its too bright and too loud to hear you

I feel I’ve lost my mind tonight

hungry and unsatisfied

All I want is dead and gone

Won’t you please take me far away from

This world
An optimistically deadly mix

Of too many pills and cigarettes

If it helps or kills

I tend to forget

Cuz my names

Gotten so far away

I can remember

Nothing but the pain

Anymore
Lying in the street tonight

Counting all the dying lights

And the mistakes they eat me alive

Day and night, I can’t fight 

anymore
I don’t know what to do

Its too dark too silent to hear you

I feel I’ve lost my mind tonight

hungry and unsatisfied

All I want is dead and gone

Won’t you please take me far away from

This world?

5.31

Every night I feel that I 

Could lay it all down on the line

why do I hold my tongue so tight

When it always could be the last night

To feel, to be, to breathe, to need

Wasting any potential memory

The past is dead

But only it seems to ever live again 

Only as the parts best forgotten
I thought you were fine

I guess they were all wrong

I thought it was alright

But you’ll sing one final song
Garden variety

we stitch it on our sleeves

We hear it all the time

And it puts everyone at ease
I’ve already burned too much time

Trying to scrub it from my skin

It can’t be lie

If the truth lies within it
I see through the lines

I guess they were all wrong

I thought it wasn’t time

But you’ll sing one final song
Every time could be the last 

Thought that you were fine

But guess they never saw past it.

~~~~

You held up a picture

Right in front of my face

A tiny little child; a sad, helpless babe

With eyes so bright

In this world out of place

A lucidity too hard to erase

Why would you call this one

Out of an empty space?

One to understand

Far too young

To move and manipulate man

Just to get out from

Dependency- a fundamental of infancy

It was never with intent

But you never told me if it was all planned

There are billions 

Couldn’t I have been left as the silent one?

5.30

Something isn’t right

I can’t sleep tonight

It’s crawling through my mind

Taking every good thing 

That I can’t find
Run from everyone

In chasing after a captive sun

But when it’s been gone for so long

Is there really any reason 

Or way to dream of being okay
I want to give; I want to set you free

But can’t even live with so little left of me
Is the feeling of silence ever unbearable to you

A loneliness that grows with age 

But you’re supposed to be able to break through

I can’t say why anyone stays

But to try and medicate 

What never goes away 

Do you want to be 

somewhere else

But who can save us from ourselves?
Where has the peace gone

Do you have some

That you could share with me

Or I can make believe

Where have the hours gone

Do you need to waste some

But the question seems to be 

Who can even reach me

What’s it’s gonna be

That’ll finally set you free

Do you want to be

Something else

But who can save us from ourselves?
So write a brand new chapter 

In the past

And for the next time after

hope that it lasts
As all these needles in my skin

Seem an inalleviable affliction

A solitary strand of red I stand

Never to be held again
I want to give; I want to set you free

But can’t even live with so little left of me

5.27 A Word for Chris Cornell

“The heart is like a house with many rooms,” my father used to tell me all growing up. “In anyone else’s home, you wouldn’t go in any room you weren’t first invited into, but would wait patiently for them to be ready to open each door, room by room.”

Throughout my life, this lesson has been more relationally, spiritually, and emotionally relevant than most any other.

For this reason I remember every detail of the moment I first heard Audioslave’s Like A Stone on a Youtube channel. While there are naturally multiple interpretations as to the intended subject of this song, it struck me on a deeply unmet level in more than just a couple ways. While I can’t say that I have been a fan for many years- I immediately found an inexplicable kind of somber connection with all of Cornell’s music and a unique respect for him as a songwriter. Albeit extremely cliche sounding- his suicide has affected me in a way I never thought I could be, much less by someone I don’t even personally know; The definitive reason why evades me, as most reasons do these days. That’s partly why it’s taken me this long to write any word about his death in the midst of my own black days. Yet even still no justice may ever be done with any words to convey the sorrowful feeling of the type of painful tragedy and the resulting realizations of the collective weight of all these dark matters about us.

Not to imply that every suicide isn’t tragic; but perhaps it was the timing, circumstance, and method of his death have caused it to have such a profound impact on me; as I myself often live in a place of considering taking my own life in such fashion. Regardless of the use (or misuse) of Benzodiazapene drugs, I am personally reluctant to believe that in itself would independently bring one to take their own life who were not already a tormented individual beneath it all; and I know that the kind of emptiness, agony, and perpetual fear long preceding such an act is something that cannot be described, and I can only brokenly project what his share of it was.

Beside the innate sadness of this loss; beside the speculation as to what drives one to suicide, and beside the deeply sobering reality of our own swift mortality- is a defeat in the ears of those still walking in similar vice or battle, and a deepened grief for the momentary surrender of all that music exists to fight for- life- despite the countless reasons we each may have to give up. Whether it’s a battle with drug use, depression, anxiety, addiction and self- destruction , or any battle with yourself; music is often one of the only ways many continue to walk through it each day, and Chris Cornell’s influence on the lyrical power of Audioslave, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, and his own songs have surely given many others who too  may feel irreparably lost or alone a place to simply be together in dark places, without offering any vain or potentially undermining positivity.

Music is at least half of my life, and the other half I can’t very well find the words to explain; but songs like Shadow On the Sun, Seasons, Fell on Black Days, Show Me How to Live, Be Yourself, and many others have said some of what I’ve long struggled to- with a tangible, timeless kind of grace.

Just in the solidarity alone of knowing firsthand how much more pain goes into every song than the hearer will be able to perceive- somehow causes the world to feel even more empty with his passing. Music and how we touch others in this life are the only things that may ever even approach permanence in this world, and Cornell will forever have his place in both, as a liberating- and now haunting- legacy.

May the “doors locked from within” finally be opened, and may Chris Cornell rest in an eternal peace.

 

Only For a Day

I came of age in a hall

No doors or windows, only walls

I drove them all away

So not even ghosts come out to play
Pain is an ever present lover

Never in the end with any other

The clock on the wall

With every second 

threatens to end it all
the Emptiness screams so loud

How can you get in or out

But don’t worry

I’m already gone
Can someone save me 

Even for a moment

Something to remember 

For the next time I’m insane
I just need to know

That there is a place to hope

Somewhere I can carry to rest my weary bones

The temple is nowhere

Nowhere that I know

Will you hide me away

Even if it’s only 

For a day
the Emptiness screams so loud

How can I get in or out

But don’t worry

I’ve already gone insane
Can someone save me 

Even for a moment

Something to remind me

For the last time I am lost.

5.21 free write- Reasons

My body is broken and old before it’s time

All my faith has today run dry

I once was a child

But now I’m just alone

And no one knows the reasons I hold
Been so many places

Tried so many times

Remember a thousand faces

All I’ve left behind

I’ve always come and gone

But I don’t know if this one

I can come back from
The impossible’s before me

And my hope is gone

The fire’s at my back

And I’m about to jump

God please catch me

And forgive me what I’ve done

But no one beside me can feel these reasons
Every day it’s a little more weight

And my bones already crumble and break

I cant feel anything but pain

And I don’t believe they understand

I don’t believe you’ve seen what I have
Been so many places

Tried so many times

Remember a thousand faces

All I’ve left behind

I’ve always come and gone

But don’t know if this one 

I will come back from
The impossible’s before me

And my hope is gone

The fire’s at my back

And I’m about to jump

God please catch me

And forgive me what I’ve done

But no one beside me can feel these Reasons.