7.26

I close my eyes and speak to You with no words, like the once upon a time before the world and hurt, and it’s getting harder with every passing day to even try to begin to explain, but sometimes I can still remember how it felt before we came to this place

Can You still see me as I was the moment before this mess, though it seemed a lifetime ago, when I danced upon the winds with innocence, and the light of the sun shone kissing my throat, running weightless upon a whim, owned by no one and becoming superhuman

Fighting for everything I believed in, All I had to do was be myself and bide more time before it put me up on a shelf with everybody else, where the colors blur together into one grey mess, and everyday’s the same mundane weather and just letting go of the rest

These crippled wings dream of those skies, for I left my heart somewhere buried between the past and the lie, so I run all through the night until I break upon the rocky heights, clearing the clouds by myself until the end, climbing and reaching even closer to heaven

As everyday that passes my heart is sinking even faster, another mile beneath the ocean’s waves crashing, can You remember the words I used to say, the melody my heart once sang, another flicker in the film of my life, another still on the ground tonight, but I saw this scene in a dream long before it’s time

I turn around the next bend in the maze of these mountains, the blackness a reflecting friend, refractions of the life and soul I left behind, lost in the translation of life from soul to skin, they may not see it in my eyes, but I always look back in Your direction

They say I may think it but I’m still not invincible, that I’ll get myself killed the next time I lose control, truth be told I’m not afraid, I will not remain beholden to staying just to fade, they don’t need to understand, I wonder if we ever really even can

I tried to sleep but was awaken to see myself standing screaming out from beneath the eldest oak tree, on the night that it seemed everything I had ever believed was taken from me, one grand misleading hoax, deceived and dragged out to where we did not want to go, but I still think of you

Amidst all these strange faces seemingly saying things they don’t mean, one that says he loves me but he is nowhere to be seen, a stranger lies beside me in the dust, talking and counting stars, of life, death, and just how soon it might be up, but I don’t mind at all, tonight just let the chips fall

From the outside looking in on how fleeting are these moments, memories trapped in my skin, striving for the present, but still all three exist within the air I breathe in, I have gone out, I have stayed in, I ascended the heights, and have to accept that this is who I am

In this moment of lucidity, I close my eyes and speak to You with no words.

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7.19

Whose is the voice singing over me, with so many noises it’s getting harder to breathe, and I can’t decide which it is that’s led me from when I first began, the hand that’s held me safe in every place I ran

Sometimes I think I can feel You all around me, electric shivers locked in my skin, sometimes I think I hear You calling from some distant place, surely You cannot mean for me, if You know my thoughts and shame

Perceiving each one before it is even done, intertwining until they can seem to be almost one, it’s always been most parts of me are so far out of reach, that as I’m living surviving life, I pray You understand me if You catch sight

Most times I’m convinced You’d hold these pains and regrets over my head, though they already haunt me every hour I remain this side of heaven, though now I’m walking around like a loaded gun, still You bind danger from my path, when I’m out for blood, seething and rash

When I make a decision in my heart I tend to take things way too far, by the ironic scorn of the full moon in Capricorn, I made the climb alone, to prove to myself I don’t need anyone, retracing my steps here for every lost year and lingering regret, feeling like a time machine on the night before my death

What love is left will shed these tears again, I will give up my flesh when I see this is the end, I wanted to feel so much more than the numb of another painkiller, only our tears break through the words that will not be found again, they have become more worthless, so let our spirits cry in their languages

Whose is the voice calling out to me, in the midst of what seems the perfect ending, what are You trying to say, I know there’s more than the little I can explain, But I don’t know this place or this feeling, I can’t recognize my own face, watching the story play out from up on the ceiling

Growing in strength with every day still feels just like falling further into the silent place, Now there’s so much less holding me back than any other place in time, I guess I’ve finally arrived somewhere near the other side, hoping to find someone before communications disappear in their entirety.

7.12

How long am I going to keep telling myself that I’ll get to it later, try to write out some of these thoughts that are killing me more quickly than I can find the words to really say, but if I can find the sound, maybe I can leave something for when I’m not around

And it’s when I’ve got no one that I’ll push them all away, when I feel more misunderstood the more that I try to say, you say to explain but soon as I chain two thoughts together seems you come back around with how I could do better

When I’m giving it everything that I’ve got, but all I can hear is all that I’m not, like I’m sorry I can’t change myself too well, swallowed it all back down to just keep kidding myself, that eventually I’ll connect with someone somewhere, but I’m guessing it’s me that’s distant and sometimes I don’t even care

But I know I can and often do too much, they say that maybe that was what my crutch was, just let it all go, yeah so fucking easy though, one more thing slips through my hands and trying to not grow cold but I’m thinking I understand

Why those people will do most anything to feel, because after you let it die some of the wounds still never healed, and I’m giving everything I can but the only thing left is the silence and stagnance, I’ve got to get back some of my passion from the remnants

But I can’t find it, I just wanted to know You could decipher some of it, when it may sound arrogant, and I could be wrong, but I’ve sure felt misunderstood all along.

7.10

Who are you God, because You are turning out to be much different than I thought, I know I ran away for so long, did whatever I wanted, and messed it all up in the end, paid a highest price, then chased You down again, trying to get an answer, gain some reprieve, and there saw a great many things that you would not believe

I know I can be stubborn as hell, though maybe I wouldn’t have seen them if I hadn’t of been myself, Went out there, learned my lessons hard, and it still feels like the end, though it’s unfortunately just the start

Now I keep my thoughts to myself, but know You still see and search them, intertwining in my mind like no one else, how I sought to change myself, as the more I saw the more I felt, and now I simply cannot be the same, save for a heart that’s filled with pain

And even though I know without a doubt You’re always here, right beside me, it doesn’t save me from my fears that are overtaking me, are You so well aware of how I never cared for knowing I’m not alone in all of this pain, that it only makes it worse knowing it’ll always stay the same

And that I can’t really help them, or if they claim that it did lessen any pain, well I can’t personally say anything makes mine go away, not anymore, like every day forward is adding another stone to the weight of these broken dreams

And these new eyes are killing all that I’ve ever known, leaving no relief but to close my eyes and revisit forbidden memories alone, of a life and a person obviously gone forever, but hard as I try, I can’t exorcise them from my head

I know I said the testing of a man begins when there is no benefit left in passing, now it’s my turn and I’m moving forward but only acting, and I fear I’ve lost my compassion somewhere back in the history of my hope, lost in the crashing of everything I’d known

I raise my eyes to the horizon with every morning, moving forward with the difficult choices, but now every word causes my heart to physically hurt, I must be getting closer because I feel so cold, and standing here with everybody else, I only feel more alone everyday in a sea of sinking souls.

7.4

Sometimes it seems there’s more than these empty conversations filled with empty words, that the heart whispers in a language that with ears cannot be heard, when two hearts reflect in speaking without inflection, ever waiting wanting searching for its sacred silent protection

Where I could stay for hours and wish to never leave, where the stars breathe out their secrets, carried whispers on the breeze, in an illuminating darkness with no walls or defenses to move, no silly play pretend that I’m not more terrified than you

All the talk about love but when it comes down to any time apart, it seems it’s not enough, with a spark that dies out quite so fast, they say if it’s real that it will last, but I’m not sure anything does anymore, all I know is I can only feel your touch, and if I’m honest for a moment, for me that’s not enough

Alone again feels just fine anyhow, as you’ve evidently already got me all figured out, and I’m always assuming the problem is me, but I couldn’t feel or hear your heart from the beginning, and your source of life is not mine, so how will we ever see eye to eye

If everything is so carnal, so obviously simple in your view, there’s no such thing as magic, only what you can see right in front of you, but I’ve seen too much to concede to your assertions as truth, seems something spoken in the silence is separating me and you

I can’t seem to translate to you why this sunset makes me sad, even though I know it will rise again after that, or how it will never look the same twice, or just how much every day it’s looking more like life

And I know that you hurt just like everybody else, but don’t know how much or how I could help, they told me don’t let it in, don’t let this life ruin your innocence, but I’m still scared it’s just that there’s not enough left to love with

They say you always think now you can’t ever love again, until one day you do and how you least expected it, Now I’m standing where it feels like the setting of all I’ve known, the decades crashing down, heart still sinking like a stone, a rebirth with so much behind it that I can’t find the words

Although I know the world is actually still the same, and after everything, I’m the one that’s changed, I’m not really asking for help, in finding the best bet for success is keeping to myself, when so many of the voices calling out to each of us are battling so fiercely to turn us on eachother, it can seem that there’s no real compassion left here for one another

With every raining arrow of guilt and the shame that’s aimed to kill, I’ll take it with a grain and hide my heart somewhere far away from the battle.

6.30

The stars say they don’t know who you are, is it shining down now showing our true hearts, hard to believe things will ever look the same, as we wonder and wander if we’ll ever really feel again

Or just old repeats of the same fucking stories with a different face, ever moving forward from what’s past just to erase, or attempting to outrun what is to come, locked in this moment forever are both of them

Wish I could help you to forget the way that it is here, but barely keeping my own head up and don’t believe in any saviors, your pain is my sorrow, but today I’ve got to let it all go

We’re running straight on now to the end, with no way to carry on but to understand when we’re dead, perhaps if I keep on with living a bit faster, I can get what I want, the slip that I’m after

Because either way no one’s getting out of here alive, I’m out for blood today and don’t care if I die, there’s a fear that’s hollowed out inside, but I’m not going to let it show this time

We’re moving on though with the season’s shifting tide, and in the wake of all these moments, it’s change or get left behind, because this transit of Saturn has been quite the bitch, like ripping my guts out and shredding them to bits

Then shoving them back down my throat, only to force me where next to go, like a cosmic taskmaster that knows exactly what it’s after, to change all that I’ve known, rolling with punches but they just keep getting lower

Now I’m even farther in to the middle of it, seeing all their pain and I can’t help a bit, seems that no one even genuinely gives a shit, and I’d confess to being just as encumbered with it

My chest is so tight I can scarcely take a breath, as I’m edging my tires even closer to the edge, throw another back, hoping for a heart attack, don’t know why I showed up here, I don’t even care

When every day we’re numbing out, I’d rather feel the misery and pain than let the rest of my soul go, let the rage take the wheel, it’s the only thing that I can feel, and I should know better, I’ve got to get this back together

When I’m still and alone again at the end of another day of spinning and playing pretend, dizzying in endless succession, my stomach retches in learning the next lesson, as I bite my tongue not to cry aloud for help anymore

I sit in the silence of my heart staring out from the chaos up at the stars, and I feel You near, pressing in closer as I’m choked by my fears as they’re closing in on me, but still I’m angry and I have nothing to say, all the questions I know will never be explained

And I don’t want to raise a word against You, after all that we have been through, but I feel that I’ve been left behind to crawl, I’ll take the blame but wish I’d never been born at all, now we’re trapped in between Earth and hell, just searching for a high enough to not kill ourselves

I know it’s not supposed to be this way, I can recite all the ideals, but I can’t even be myself anymore, Just fighting not to feel, but it just keeps coming back like a disease I can’t shake, No matter where I go or what I do it always seems to chase

And here I’m caught between playing the heartless bitch and the one they look down upon as a foolish kid, when I really just wanted out of all of it for all of these years, still here fighting through one more day with blood sweat and tears

And I’m too angry to speak, though I know I’ve no right no be, after all, are we not all born to pay, a life sentence of broken dreams just to bend and break, but I’m no one special, just another scared child, and I’m sorry I couldn’t really help them

Sorry if my love has grown cold, if You and I never really knew each other at all, If I imagined everything and really after all was just the one that went crazy, I’m going to run, I’m going to scream, taking all this shame and shit right off the cliff with me.

6.24

Another day through, the next right move, another mountain to climb, the next fake smile, another breath to hold, the next emotion to control

Another pill, build a stronger will, the next positive spin, another “I’ve got this”, the next “just one more day,” but another comes anyway

Fear trapped within, no use in talking about it, been there done that and it’s never enough, all I can do is fucking show up, time to tear down the walls, but not everything just falls

If I write it down plain, will it recompense for what I can’t figure out how to say, I want to talk with You, but can I speak with the pictures haunting my brain, just like the songs You sing over me when I can’t say a thing

My voice seems that it’s getting farther away, choked out in the motions of the next charade, so I no longer know what’s real or true, search me and know why I do as I do

Will I finally see this clear in the midst of all my demons here, with all of these voices screaming at me, which one is mine, there’s a song trapped beneath, that I cannot find, but it’s never stopped singing

Like an angel ever tarrying one step behind, carrying me through every day I lose my mind, driving the highway with no destination again, who am I that You should be chasing me, ever taken by the wind

There’s nowhere else to run, though You know what I have done, stared down my life to erase for the mistakes I can’t unmake, what is Your love, the mysterious unseen, and if I don’t make it, I hope to fall ever chasing this greatest mystery

Because today I’m simply too weary to pretend to not be me.