10.20 free write

I have so very much to be grateful for I know

Means to survive and more but it doesn’t seem to show

On my face or in my soul

When each day I wake to remind myself this all

Tell myself to rise upon the new with a better attitude

But feel it’s ties so strong that I don’t know what to do

Was it all written or just a bad decision

That I waste my life away in an old abandoned prison

In a World getting so small

It’s hard to remember

What it felt like at all

To invest or at least bet

the fragmented heart that’s left in my chest

I can’t even guess where to start

But I’m first to bet the rest of the road hard

As it was from the beginning

And there never was any way of winning

Like a steep precipice or being trapped beneath the ice

And everybody’s got their own holy advice

Take it or cast away, but if you do

They’ll assume the worst of you

I would put it on them

Just to make them understand

That I didn’t choose this, I had better fucking plans

And disability doesn’t dismiss responsibility

As if I’m enjoying myself having become someone else

Or devised in advance my device for an easy hand

But who’s qualified to decide if I’m doing all I can

But the one who’s suffering the consequences?

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10.19 

Eleven days, was all that it was supposed to take

It occurred to me, perhaps that’s why it’s all just a waste

Insidious it crept for me to get there

It took that long to get, or even be made aware

This is the price that I pay evermore

To the very last cent which I cannot afford

For a crime that stares from my eyes each night

But we all wait, no matter who’s wrong or right

I am foolish, unsurpassedly and so

Five bitter and slow, thirty- five more to go

No time taken for good behavior

I lie shaken and there are no saviors

For who can really resist the hand of punishment

It doesn’t feel as justice, but nothing can or ever did

And my spirit has become this very barren desert

As I hear for what’s been done I carry as I deserve

I feel everything and nothing in the very same, hidden just beneath thin skin 

I sever all of what remains, and breathe in the dust to begin

So I’ll smile again, fake it and face up to fate

Because all of these feelings are only relative anyway

And if they inquire as to why

I’ll probably lie 

that everything and I 

am just fine.

10.18 free write

Passion and color a memory held

Of the highs and lows I’ve always felt

Ever reaching to more

Never knowing what for

I heard a rumor that some though

Are truly content with the status quo

How can they feel so little

Who defines what’s normal

When we each can only see through 

What’s always been known to you

Or are we all just small voices locked inside

Under a lock and key no one can really find

Don’t doubt that it’s heard

The faintest whisper, the dying words

Of a faded heart, desensitized and overstigmatized

It’s got to start again, but how or even why

When there’s no way above, only in circles here below

And we all know of how most things here go

But oh so familiar and another settled far too low

Who can remember color as it was so long ago?

10.17 free write

Sometimes it’s hard to believe You’re even still there

When it doesn’t really seem You hear my earnest prayer 

What can I give, how much more can I beg

To convince You to listen, to show me the end

Tirelessly my soul calls out from the ground

While these words are nothing, they’re all I have now

I have naught for my countenance

But the breath within my lungs

how long shall I account for this

How long must I press on

For no reason and no sound

And No Changing Seasons now

What’s been and to come are equivocally dead

You see all that’s been done and know what lies ahead

So why do You keep me for another

Why did even You bother

If I was born only to suffer

How could I call you Father

I know Your ways are not ours

So this torment may be my thorn

They say You just want our heart

But I don’t have one anymore

Let me die one last time

For a thousand I have before

Hear my cry through every night

And know that I fought the war

And known no pleasure only pain

You give without measure but mostly take away

No thing can ease my burden

This You have assured

But blameless, as none can question what You set with a single word

But how could a Father

Permit my life in vain

That You’re okay with wasting decades and teaching only pain

What you allow or permit

Now that’s all there really is

All this misery within

And Disappointment’s death wish

My life is nothing to me

And gratitude evades

Hemmed in, four walls surrounding

Where nothing seems to ever change

What do You expect me to do

When I live in a torture

With no future to look forward to

Why have You let me go through

What most can neither imagine nor understand

Who knows if I deserve this hand? 

It’s been no short time that I’ve waited and hoped and prayed

All my young life, but known only bitter taste

Let me know sleep

Let me know dreaming

The kind that never ends

Only You see

Only I mean it

When I say I am Forsaken again. 

10.8

The prescription is written for loneliness 

For I know a few who could use some of it

A pill to kill the things we feel

The chilling empty at the end of the day

there’s a will to fake a thing to fill it

But it rushes through in waves

All we can do is continue to try to push it away each day forward

As we suffer it all in one accord

But it’s set to fall with nothing to show for it

Sentenced to live in circles with no understanding given

Tell me if there’s purpose or is it just standard living

It gets so fucking old so unimaginably fast 

When all’s expendable and life’s just speeding past

Like we’re wandering the desert with nothing left to hope

Because forty years came and went a long, long time ago

Two steps away from doing as the rest and whatever I want

After all the wait it seems if you’re not depressed you’re probably living wrong

Or you’re going to hell for enjoying yourself

But I guess there’s a tradeoff for everything else

When I see no good befall those whom I know deserve it of all

And we all know life’s not fair, but a bitch that deals despair 

But it’s hard to keep in care when there’s far too much delay

Perhaps my attitude is wrong but there’s not much else I can say

So still we press on to another frigid dawn

With nothing to hold in our hands

All together but separate for a purpose we will never forget nor understand. 
 

10.3 free write

My soul gets buried beneath the rubble 

By all these old worries, my heart is too troubled

Too heavy to fly

Too weary to try

To feel or be anything but tired

And all of these decisions inside of my head

Depending on them, I may be better off dead

Damned if  I do, no matter which I choose

A different kind of poison or a pretty type of noose

It shouldn’t be so fucking hard

Just to live a life

But there’s too much stuck in my heart

For me to tell the why’s

I’ve only today

And it’s a miserable ache

Watching everyone 

Withering to fade

But if I had a moment I could give for these endeavors

Maybe it would be worth it

If I could make one last forever

If I could be free

You would finally see

This universe I feel

That’s trapped inside of me. 

10.2 free write

Silence

Silence all around

Nothing left to be said 

To be seen or done now

Waiting

Waiting is all that’s left

Upon a single word

Or for some vague direction

Lifeless

Lifeless is all within

Rotting away for someone else to live

Killing

Killing time and all that’s left to hope for

Foolish to believe that there would ever be more

I remain

I remain, much stronger but the same

We are all that can change

As the world is winding down

Settling to fade away

There is no other way of getting out 

An ending is all that remains now

The ending to a story

That was never written down.