12.11 free write

So many voices caught inside my throat

With all these bad choices, I don’t know where to go

From a screaming so loud to no one could drown it out

It’s a terrible thing I’ve done

And terrifies to look back upon

What I’ve become

Somehow now I’m become a coward

When all the lights go out

And each new day has lost its power

When I am disarmed, nothing can go unharmed

And there’s not much to be saved, if there are any saviors

When it’s the same fucking things, the same old behavior

It’s all on me, and I am unforgiving

Myself for me, for being afraid of living

All that’s left is a shredded cover

Of all I couldn’t let any other

Be a part, risking their disregard

Wrapped up in the shame, I’m the only one to blame

And after all the fight I no longer believe that I

Can change.

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12.7

I try to write

But I’m too tired of life

And all that comes out from inside

Are these overly exhausted sighs

And faint, distant whispers of what once was

So many words for all so vain a purpose lost

Spoken to the Winds of a world with no God

I feel nothing

But shut away

No want, no plea,

no care nor need

No passion nor hate

Only the past and more of the same

No will nor dream

Or understanding of anything

One may anticipate the turning of a new page

Only to face that the pain remains the same anyways

And a life wasted; merely floating, still through time, all missed

filled with that very same emptiness

Perhaps I disappear like this

For satisfaction at best is merely

More nothingness.

And I feel so much nothingness

That I have become it.

11.14 free write

Happy birthday to me

In these words you’ll never read

I’ll do you some favor

And you can be my temporary savior

Was this how it’s supposed to be

Am I allowed to not feel sorry

There I looked back down my own twisted path

Where I should go now, but there is no way back

Children grow old

And throw out the stories

Of which they were told

But who can tell what’s true

How there’s nothing left to do

Winter’s descent to you and the calendar’s ending too

Five six years and November’s finally through

And you feel so much I do believe

But I feel nothing do I deceive

So Happy birthday to me

In words you’ll never understand

It’s just a simple favor

And then you’ll move along as planned

Through all the how are you’s

I don’t know that we even have a clue

So many scars on so very limited skin

It’d be a hard decision where even to begin

Write me into ink and letters

So as you think, you shall remember

I wish any one knew my whole truth

Or that I could bring someone to know the things I do

Because my demons I hide are all I feel anymore

For each of my reasons outside the real world

And who could ever steal away my pain

Or heal that for which no remedy remains

In my heart is my own biblical Retribution I pay

All we are, disciples disillusioned, so why even pray?

It’s etching color into my bare flesh in vain

Who would dare to carry my weight anyway?

So Happy birthday to me

In these words you’ll never read

I’ll do you the favor

And you can pretend to be

My temporary savior.

11.13 disposable heart

What do I feel, what does it mean

It’s locked in a box

Far out of reach

Not to you, not to them, or even to me

With a key of location remaining unknown

We keep looking for patience when it’s already shown

All for what it is,

One big fucked up punishment

And we’re just swimming in an ocean of vague reassurance

Given with the notion they don’t need to see its occurrence

Now I neither need nor want any help

When all is clearly seen, I’ve become somebody else

Filled with this same vast ocean of nothingness

Feeling no passion or emotion but just an abyss

Despite everything I’ve known and said I never would be

It seems I’ve already thrown all these precepts to the sea

I was the fool to believe that it wasn’t supposed to be this hard

And the result of a tragedy:

I have become the Disposable Heart

For one time use, like something you just make due

And I’m okay with it being that way

So I’ll never look back or ever have to stay.

10.28

I’m about as bad as they get and a million miles away

Forget the things you think I said because I’m not trying to play

It’s the kind of bad you can’t seem to cut out of your skin

No matter that it’s really just getting to begin

All I want to do is try to convince You to reconsider my path

For what are we even going through all this shit may I ask

I’d repeat my sole request, but have no right to these at best

So I always wrote it down

In hopes You’d hear me out

That there could be a road

Leading to a place where how

I could at least find some kind of second best

That my small mind can neither imagine nor suggest

I know I’m dead wrong, if objective is how You judge

But it’s been so goddamn long, from my perspective it’s enough

To see from here where this is all going

After eleven years I think there can be some knowing

I didn’t do it for any reward, or maybe was just more

Wayward than I was aware

But there’s nothing to wait or look for anymore, not for which I care

Twenty years and it seems like You can’t either

I know You hear and see me standing by there

And ever You heard the songs which I used to sing

You never forgot a word, but why remind me of these things

Because now it’s all strictly business

so why won’t You give me this

a little bit of direction, a hint of some objective

For all that has been said and done, How could You still neglect it?

 

 

10.26 Free Write2

God give me the courage to see

to live, to bleed, to hurt and need

Grant me peace and the fortitude

To let it be, or make a move

Show me the wisdom

To know what’s to be done

and meet me in the secret places

I go to when I run

God give me the freedom to breathe now and rise again

The things I need and wings to teach me how to ride upon a distant wind

Allow me to see the things in which I do not believe again

A strength I cannot fabricate

the valor to let in with my hands 

A passion neither sated nor to be suffocated

and the depth to understand

Pardon my temperament, done though with deference

It’s that my heart is sick of this; so yet direct my indifference

So heavy inside and tired, and no rest rekindles my fire

Gone out in doubt and fear, now thinking about all the things that I hear

Everything they say that it’s the same for the rest of the way

Never knowing if you really feel or understand me

I am frozen within, and having become so weak 

God gave a man three wishes, but what could He even give to me? 
 

10.26 Free Write

Do you ever feel empty and you just don’t know why

Like something inside is missing that you can’t identify

Just going through life’s motions

Looking for emotion

Yet too afraid to try

I know I need to reach for something

something more than I can see

But I can’t say why I always slide right back to apathy

All the reasons that I have to never look back

but the seasons still just pass, time that I can never have

Again, How can so much exist in a person full of emptiness

I know you feel it too, though it comes and goes, as most things do

All searching for another just to pull us from the rubble

of all the dreams we had before, and the things that we can’t feel anymore

I can hold so high but fall and fail all at the very same time

Who can imagine each of our reasons why

I know it sweeps through and steals everything from you

But sometimes we look and can finally see the truth

That each moment that we have to make is all that ever will remain

So ask yourself what it is today you want to take, create, and leave in the wake

Because the sands fall slow, but there’s only so much more time to go.