7.25

Told myself I need to make a choice, a change, Find my voice to face what I’ve been avoiding like the plague

Staring down the other side of real life as the commas in my mind bring me now to realize

I’ve become stronger and faster but how much of this will matter

When I’m No longer that sure

I can handle what’s coming in the next chapter

But wonder what this hunger’s chasing after

Why we keep on climbing up the very same ladder

And I may suspect some answers but I’m too afraid to ask,

Confession is I’m both here and there, always missing the past

Because every good thing appears so it can pass

Fact seems if it makes you happy it’s probably never gonna last

Actually It’s kind of sad

that even love seems just a balancing act

of trying to care without becoming attached

Because most are aware what happens after that

All these questions multiply setting unquenchable fire in my mind, a million little quips wield and imply, like a weapon meant to threaten, with suggestions far more dire than its size,

And it’s eating me alive but I just keep it all inside, paranoid and trying to hide the noise of a guilty mind, thinking everything’s a sign trying to point out faults within my life, bottle it up until I’m terrified when it comes back around to bite, surfacing at the worst time,

Know I’m not the only one who feels so unknown and alone in a world full of a million lonely longing souls

Who doesn’t want to show what’s really going on in my skull

what’s grown up inside my soul

Or how I can’t seem to be honest and open with anyone anymore

Cuz I don’t like thinking of everything that’s broken in this world

All the Things I can’t control

And all the time stole

Feeling like we look at each other but don’t truly see, you might hear my words but don’t really feel me, and I might let you touch my skin but that doesn’t mean I know how to let anybody in,

Asking myself was every time that I could feel felt,

Just an illusion I created trying to heal myself,

Fighting to hold on to something that was never really there

And the questions I’m ever aware are just a prerequisite for breathing in the air

I fear I’m the only one who feels this scared,

And I know some people care but I believe it’s not that much

Like we cross paths here and there but we never really touch,

It must to be all my fault, some key only I hold,

Because syllables are real small but these emotions will be my downfall,

Though we still have to overcome every single obstacle

While Knowing that were not in control

Growing and Perfecting the art of Pushing past it all

Only to ignore my heart beckoning that my passion has grown cold

Am I really growing better then or am I just growing old

Are you really happier than you were back then or are you just letting everything go

So I can no longer hold onto the stories I was told about how it’s all supposed to unfold

When I don’t find the truth comforting at all, and I just don’t know anymore.

7.6

Wish I was the kind who could sit back recline and enjoy the life, mindless and submissive like the ideal type, But despite all the lessons I’ve acquired I still find myself running right down to the wire,

In pursuit of another endeavor that I knew could never preclude me from the truth forever, are my words heard by heaven or straight from the devil, when they feel like all I have when my spirit is troubled

And so every comfort is fading away that once deterred the perpetual ache of a hunger I no longer can satiate, a thirst that grows worse by each passing day, knowing this shall never recur

But feeling anxious and displaced when I’m not striving at race pace after a prize that’s evasive

Say it again I already know not to blame God, But we used to be friends, we once could actually talk, But go on and instruct me with my back up against a wall, how all of my thoughts are ugly and wrong, perchance I’ve hung with fallen angels too long, hope that I’ve not truly changed so much that I’m too far gone

And if this is all just my mind finally growing up, maybe I should leave it all behind along with the hope and love, Because hope doesn’t feel so much like hope anymore, and love seems a fairytale I’ve purchased too many times before,

Oddly enough, The moment I began trying hard to do what I was told, was close to the one I started to lose my heart and soul,

And I know I’ve had a bad attitude for a while, But the platitudes are getting old and I’m sick of masking them behind smiles, Meanwhile,

Ashamed and conflicted , Just when I’d committed to doing it different, One little comment or question and over again I’m afflicted with opposing suggestions

Reading between the lines that were never meant for interpretation, like can’t I shake all the invasive intimations

Claim I have my own vision, But if I can’t act on my intentions with precision, After the fact will I regret not giving in, for causing this division, Afraid of making the wrong decision, or of failing it again

Is this all for naught, are we all born just to rot, this doesn’t seem worth it like before, I don’t believe there’s any purpose for it anymore,

Never thought I could feel so stressed I don’t recollect how to draw a deep breath, Like the clock on the wall is ticking me to death, every minute slipping by a weight sitting on my chest,

Clashing voices battle on in my head, question what happened to the passion I had back then, Perhaps I should give up on my dreams and try to be more like them,

Is all my faith decaying to resignation of coincidence and insignificant cohabitance, perhaps the best that any of us have to give,

Look for some form of love relationship, but left swipe left right, all of these faces look the same tonight and everyday, know I should embrace it, but just want to walk away, it almost makes me feel more sick, when I think about all of it and can’t help but admit, thinking the kind of life just doesn’t fit me, being a wife and the life of domesticity,

But surmise it’s all there is left to see,

Guess I missed the last flight to my destiny

tongue bleeds from being bitten between my teeth,

I’m sorry, right now I can’t hear a thing you’ve ever said before, fear I’ve let us both down, and I just don’t know anymore

Because hell is much deeper than I had foreseen,

wonder if heaven is even as high as we had been hoping,

Now I don’t believe in meant to be

Lately I don’t believe in anything.

6.28

Waking up late again

Thirty eight past ten, hurry through the day again, a hurricane that doesn’t end, need to reframe but afraid when I never can, when I’m barely holding on to what remains, frayed ends,

Feels like I’m doing more than everything I can bear, trying to put it all back together,

But little seems to ever add or measure up, scared my best is never enough, pushing on through giving tears sweat and blood,

For a minute thought I had a sure direction, but now that I’m in it I’m first second and third guessing,

Self- imposed duress pressing down on me, it seems I don’t know how to rest , with the future swiftly closing in on me,

wish I could stop feeling the need to apologize for ever revealing what’s on my mind,

When did I begin to learn to always hide behind ideas that weren’t even mine,

No obligations so high for anybody else as the expectations that I tend to put upon myself,

Perhaps a facet of the problem is I don’t actually trust in God,

Issues stacking up, I should solve them, but my actions they do not,

Repetition on repeat and stuck in reverse gear, My steps must be missing something key or even worse here,

When Lessons learned just disappear,

thought I wanted God’s will for me here, now I’m too afraid to willfully give Him ear,

Asking do I really want to hear,

When the truth fills me with fear

Guess I don’t want to listen

Wish I didn’t exist and

Sometimes life can

feel like a prison

Like oh thats nice just giving your opinion,

Always keep it to myself when I most need to talk to someone else,

Aware nothing’s going to spare

from the turn that’s coming,

How do I return from becoming jaded and overcontemplative, relearn to like everything I’ve hated,

simplify my mind, stop trying to quantify what’s unseen by the eyes, stop wasting my time worried that nobody would truly like or want the real me, stop ruining a good thing, stop ruminating on how I should be,

I swore no more getting lost in my head, now It’s quarter to four and I don’t know where I’ve been, but redicent, not ready to let anyone in, but I don’t really want their medicine, pills to numb everything I’ve ever been,

Because without the memories within, Who would we be then but taken by the wind ,

Is mindlessness the only fix synonymous with happiness, and if that’s accurate, guess I’ll have to stay anonymous after this,

But truth is not real hard to find,

answers often even easier to define,

I can tell because it’s usually whatever it is I don’t like,

Don’t be proficient in giving life advice,

it’s ridiculously easy when you’re on the outside,

but the things that are right are typically difficult to want to hold on to tight,

I don’t know that I believe nearly anything I did all my life,

but know no matter what doctrine I decide, No matter which side I stand on divided, I still find myself guilty and terrified.

6.16

Thought that I could let this go, that it wouldn’t bother me at all, thought I could let it pass by without reply, then I wonder why it keeps coming back up in my mind

I told myself I wasn’t going to get attached, Now I’m the only one that I’m mad at, when I care too much, I’m the one always left with all the love, Why can I never let go, find something that feels like home, and I know it wasn’t realistic, didn’t really change the feeling then did it, am I the only one afflicted with recollection and the memories it brings on that never seem to leave, of things that are no longer but feel they still should be, secrets left unsaid, questions filling up my head, burn the rest of this confession, wish in turn to just forget them,

I feel stupid and so foolish For the things I can’t explain, it’s peculiar how an illusion can sometimes take away the pain,

I know you may have thought I’d say something sooner for sure, guess I was trying to keep but couldn’t find my words, far too busy working to pretend I wasn’t hurt

Because I do recall our agreement and despite it all I never dealt well with leaving, and try as I may I can never erase the feeling,

It pains me comparatively how easily most people seem to forget, so I never really felt like them, when collectively I remember everything from start to end,

I’m beginning to suspect that people don’t feel things the way that I do or expected them to, and it scares me to know but I won’t apologize for being who I was from the get go

There’s a lot more that I would want to say but I guess I’ll have to save it for another day, it wouldn’t fit on this page,

Like how I never told you until today that I always had a way of making sure you were okay, And knew when most days you tried to do the same, Checking in on the few sentences that I used to be able to post, the sound of a notification on my phone that brought a smile to my face whenever I felt alone, which is often,

And You know, I still see you even when you don’t believe I do, And there were times I still needed you even when you didn’t want me to, so yes I understand we’re both busy people who have plans and paths we still have left to take, I guess I just couldn’t let you walk away thinking I forgot or didn’t care the same

And in the case that I don’t really get to speak to you again, I hope that you can remember me the way I was back then, when we were free-er, the path seemed clearer, and all that you held dear felt near, before hope began to disappear and look more similar to fear,

When you warmed up a part of my heart that I couldn’t accept then was so cold, or broke apart some of the ice that had collected in my soul, and I hope you know after all that time I care and can’t forget, when no matter how hard I try you always seems to be somewhere in my head.

6.1

I’ve lived all my life on one of two sides of a swinging pendulum, feeling the entire universe inside and then becoming numb,

Then I thought I felt something that was real, something that could teach me how to feel, different than distant, more than unattached, disconnected, and putting on an act

Too scared to ask the questions constantly staring back

Is something wrong with me that I’ve become so detached

I need distraction when interactions feel as though they happen through glass

So I tell myself I don’t need touch, I don’t need your love, I don’t need anyone, as though my heart were made of stone, no one’s to hold, only my own, and always alone

But now I know

It’s never going to feel right and if it does it’s wrong, and I’ve become so numb, I guess it’s welcome now to real life, the writing was on the wall all along, right when You think you know hurt, and believe in disappointment, you won’t understand the words until they’ve completely destroyed you and everything you know

I run to music for protection, always use it to seek reflection, my replacement for affection, a cheap imitation of our connection, never seeking their acceptance, never fearing their rejection

Know I’m not the only one who feels so alone In a room- in a world full of a million searching souls,

Looking for something to fill that hole, but it never really does though, all in the same vain struggle with the inevitable

It seems really so evident

I’ll never feel whole again

The same old precedent

Say I’m not the only one

Just A scared lost kid

looking for a place that I can run

Aware I have to live with all the damage that’s been done

How did I grow so far away from what I was meant to be

I hope my perception Of eternity doesn’t entirely depend on me

Now I don’t know all along what I was supposed to be, if I’m too far gone or just like everybody

It’s the tendency of this life to chew you up and spit you out until you don’t know why or how to turn around

Like even what for, if there is nothing more, observed it all, stubborn to a fault,

as all those gone before

Unsure what I’m longing for

When it’s so easy to see that nothing in this world is going ease the never ending circling

when everybody’s hurting

Asking, running, searching

Im beginning to assume that every pursuit is just another lesson in what I wish I never knew,

When the fact is the only thing that actually exists is this still surrendered sadness and relationships, every path chosen or taken is only a road back to this-

It’s all a game, all been said and done before,

in the end we are the same, looking for something more

I know I’ve got to stay sober

But only want it to be over

Hit the ground at a thousand miles an hour

And when I come back down, who will be there

Fighting to save the remains of what’s left to hope in, as we all did,

Now I don’t know how to let anyone in, and In the search for imaginary fulfillment

It kills me to have to

admit that I’m the one that’s distant-

and its terrifying to me, am I missing some kind of gene, I realize I can’t feel anymore the things that once made me myself, the things you helped me feel so long ago, as the silence continually separates me from the only one who understands me, now I don’t know what I need,

I convince my heart I don’t need you,

And somehow I lose a part of me too

5.24

God if You’re still up there, I’ve got some things I need to confess, though You and I are both aware, it

May not make any difference, when I’ve lost control again, spiraling out in my head, I can make a mess out of a blessing that you’ve given, when it was never my intention, though they surely leave me guessing, am I concerned with how I’m regressing, now I only ever regret things, but never seem to be forgetting

If I could take my mistakes back for good, You know for a fact that I would, wish that I could be what you wanted on some days

The problem is it simply doesn’t work that way

And I’m sorry

I think about all of the time that I wasted and sometimes I honestly hate me

But there’s none left for tears to be shed

I fear that these feelings won’t disappear or be laid to rest in my chest

until the day I’m finally dead

They say the truth will set me free, but they don’t even truly know me

Because I’ve become what I was terrified to be, and I can’t go back to the hope I had, before I knew too much

You’d think the devil and I were best friends the way he managed to finally get in

And mess with with my perspective

Convince me solutions are subjective

Until the truth only leaves me dejected

And skews all my objectives

Second guessing, self- rejecting

And projecting now

that everyone feels the world just like me

I can tell you now, worth isn’t based upon achievements

And I may say the words but I don’t really believe it,

So obvious it hurts that I’m well beyond my means

Ending right back where I started

Denying that I’m empty hearted

Lying that something could fill that part in, Ive been trying to ignore

Though I swore in my heart and mind that this would be the last time

I would be weak or dismantled beneath the things that I couldn’t handle

that I would throw away my faith for a fake just to make it through another day

But Instead I’ve discarded my entire heart and all I’ve got left are charades

I’ve been feeling heavy hearted with every day I choose to carry on, been trying even harder but to me it’s never enough, I can see now how I was wrong, that I’m the most stubborn person to walk upon this earth

Now If I’m lucky maybe someday I may break even, but if I mess up again I’ll be going to my grave with these sins and regrets still embedded in my skin

Sometimes I’m surprised to even find myself here now, Surmised with how I’ve lived my life that I’d be dead and in the ground, call it a blessed hand of fate some may say, But I gave away my faith in destiny from a young age when I already know the words they’ll say and the solutions that they’ll read, filled with nursery cliches and the resolutions that I need

That don’t keep enough hope in my heart, and though I hear the drugs will tear it apart, neglecting I keep chasing after that same high when I can’t accept living in black and white, Back then I remembered them being bright, the colors that in my eyes have all but died

I hope when finally comes the time that I’ll still remember to hide them away somewhere in my mind.

5.12

Guess it’s time I finally had that honest conversation, too long that I’ve been lying trying to run from confrontation, with you

You’ll never know how much it hurts to try find the words to say, But it only ever grows much worse the more that I evade

But the truth may ruin me too

I hear that God He never make mistakes, but fear I’m the only one He made, mother couldn’t save me, father stopped praying, And the only one I blame

is me

Is it real this time, or just another feeling of an illusory mind, Never could have guessed when I was just a kid, That I’d grow up to be the villain in the end,

Every moment of my life, every voice left inside, Comes right down to this very point in time, Is it really going to be okay

I hope one day

I won’t be so afraid

I was raised with all these verses even had them memorized, Saying God He has a purpose for most every person’s lives

Now I’m not so sure it’s worth or put my faith in what they said, When most days I feel worthless, Failures replay in my head

And I seem to play the act as if I’d say right to Your face You’re wrong, but the actual fact is that I couldn’t even make my case, with all of my emotions raging like the ocean, that my heart still sinks like a stone in, dislocating my devotion, over-contemplating all my motives

God they say that You don’t make mistakes, but I’m afraid that I’m the only one You did make, I keep trying and trying but can’t catch up to my break, I keep on losing track of the path that’s straight, my mind can’t help but question everything we’re supposed to leave alone, Remind myself that’s not helping me but neither is what I was told

I know we’ve been talking for a long, long time, it’s getting harder to believe that you’re still on my side, do you remember her, I’m not so pure anymore, with childish magic in her head, lit lanterns up above the bed, With music in the background, that I wouldn’t understand until now, wish I could go back somehow, before I knew what I know now

When they say we live forever, whether one place or another, and thats a long time when you’ve already discovered, that the time gets at the root and exposes hidden truths, that I’m not what I’m supposed to be, I can’t show you what you want to see or hear, most times wish that I could disappear

They say these are simply lessons and that this is not the end, but my heart never seems to get them and they don’t understand, So I shut my mouth, put my thoughts up in the clouds, buried my heart in the grave and gave up on better days,

Plotting self destruction, Wanting no instruction, thoughts have grown corrupted, Know I’ve got to get above it, But most everything they say merely accelerates my head spinning like a hurricane so fast, I can’t find the words to say, only to react

Working everyday to feel I end in the same place, still running out of pace like a rat trapped in a maze

But if I let up or let go, I’ll lose even more, so I get up to start over, but don’t even know what for

When I think to hide my face in shame, knowing there’s no one else I blame, for my life and every time, I get caught beneath the tide, pulling farther, fighting harder, time crashing overneath, time passing out of reach, I’ve gone beyond what they can teach,

Overtime to change pace, find a way to reframe, formulate a new way to compensate for where I’m at,Though I don’t recognize the face that’s staring back,

They say the truth will set you free, but you don’t even know me,

Say we have to learn these lessons then do our best to stay strong, but what of when you get them and there’s no reasons left to move on

Then insist that love would be the answer, but it’s not what they depict, say somebody must be out there, but I’m not sure that love exists

But God he carves the rivers to which ever such direction he pleases, which kind of made me assume he could figure out and direct me then, they told me as a kid that no one can truly thwart God’s plans, but I’m always worried I’ll do it on accident, like how big and all knowing can You be, if You knew all along that I would say these things?

4.5 free write

If you can neither hear nor bring to remembrance anything that I’ve ever said before, if you can feel nothing that you once did anymore, then we may be finally one and the same in the end, and I would want you to know that I never wanted to be the villain in a story that was never penned, that I hope you can still see and feel the person I was back then, and tell me that she’s still in there, I wish that the truth could say that one of us were still truly alive, I wish that I could have saved at least one of the two of those lives, and if I don’t make it back again, if I can’t reach up to what I had planned, I would wish that you could still remember who I am, and the truth of what pulls any two together again, that you could understand what I could never manage to have written, that perhaps I never truly knew the truth- and now if I do- that it’s destroyed everything of me that isn’t left in you.

3.5 Free Write

I know the longer I go without talking to You, the more I feel like I can’t express or connect, To anyone I know or anything I do, always ending up stuck in my head,

Thinking I’m lonely, like nobody knows me, but not feeling like I can connect, I can say all these words, try to believe that they’re heard, but they still always feel second best,

Like they’re simply not saying what I need to say, as if there was another way I could explain, but there’s not, they’re all I’ve got, and today I hate these words

As if I were to say seems my universe is falling apart- colors faded and all turning dark- most would just say that’s a great place to start, like it’s what they’ve waiting for, and I only end more torn up, and they keep on saying I’m supposed to trust someone?

When I just want something that feels right, not another damn question that keeps me up at night, when I just want to feel alive, even if it’s a lie, because the truth cuts deeper than the knife

I know the longer I go without talking the more that I let myself go, and when comes time to try and put it back together, I don’t even know what for

Trying to cure the hurt, but the drugs they stop working, I don’t know who I am, or for what I should give a damn, everything feels so foreign though I know life is change, I never cared for it as though I think I can stay, somewhere I can recognize, I don’t like the look I’ve seen growing in my eyes, when I look myself in the mirror, can’t help but ask what the hell am I doing here,

It’s feels like I’ve lost my voice, but don’t really want any more choices, I don’t even know what I believe, it’s getting harder to hold onto my dreams, or to know if they were ever real, I don’t know what it is that I should feel, I just don’t want them to catch on to the fact that sometimes it can seem this is all just a vanishing act,

and I’m even more lost than you.

February 21st

So afraid, just half a step from being lost in this eternity, try to look away, but what’s done can never be unseen, and I fight the rising tide trying just to buy more time, But my reasons have fallen through, is there nothing left to do

For all the places our souls have been, with no language known to let them in, all the traces remain in our skin, with no one to heal and make you feel forgiven for our sins

I would give anything to feel one thing as real as all the pain left inside we simply learn to conceal, do I have what it takes to push through to my fate, when I never realized until today I’ve lived my whole life inside imagination

Now it’s time to bridge the distance that’s kept me in between, though it’s never felt so different as when hope finally grew it’s wings, and flew away from me

Now anger fills the colors of every part that we have lost, now we throw the end away when the start we have forgotten, they say when you stop caring that you’ll finally be free, but now that we are there, I don’t see that I agree, because years flash by in a moment and it’s never slowing down, so take a breath and exhale slow, because it’s all we’re getting now

Because of all the places our souls have been, with no language known to let someone in, all the traces remain in our skin, with no one to heal and make us feel forgiven for our sins

And there are still so many words that are ever calling out, a still small whisper but they do not make a sound, I found myself in a darkness so much deeper than words can explain, and the answers I found were far more than I can take, wondering do we all have to go insane to find our way,

Can I ever forget what’s been cut from my flesh, will the fear ever be put to death, As I’ve tasted heaven and I’ve slept with hell too

But all I ever can think to say to you, Is hold on to her until I get back, until I make a way back

And God I hope I have the strength to do that,

For all the places my soul has been.

January 19th

Shifting shadows grown over all the windows, red rose thorns now adorn the floor and door frame, continually questioning what should I do, beckoning what if I knew- more so now than any later day, not tomorrow nor the next day, ultimately what would I say

In the midst of subconscious thoughts we cannot turn on or shut off, more instantly felt and I knew, and wished I’d had the gall to tell anyone the truth, about the way I truly saw them and myself, the secrets I kept back with no one else to tell, or the hollow space at the pit of my stomach- but really my heart- sunken so very far down when you stopped coming around

Or the way my skin stands still upon end like the chills that you get when you see the sky bend, the hunger for what you fear simply will never exist, or more frightfully is if it never did, insatiable drought, knowing to have to always go without, were it only a synchronized illusion of an idyllic home that’s gone now

I’d try hard to gloss over my excessively long history, even though it’s a part that ought and needs to be seen, when I never really did feel being that seen heard or felt all along , so I left behind a million and one sentences scattered in riddles and songs, dreams and retellings of a person I’d hope you would still want, but have to confess, who and what you thought I was, truly was me all along

Only in pieces, and a few quite left out- or more precisely veiled in symbolism that no one would ever figure out, said plain as day in a language with endless verbiage and wordplay, emotion and imagination, neither conspiracy nor fabrication but truthful purposeful moves aligned each to make you feel. Feel a soul, not just a face. Not just a name. But what we all dream to be in some way ours to claim

While being alone most all this time, Never celebrated nor advertised but I savored the highs and bit the bullet riding to the bottom of my demise, and all of the pills and the time I killed, shame and regret, and the words I still feel just always get left unsaid, and I never stopped wondering why. Not for a moment.

A laundry list of vague useless diagnoses that in the present time have no meaning, but a liar was never one of them. No, I hated so very much with most all of my heart, but when I loved, I loved with every last part, left of it- an irrational and senseless faith, a beautiful chaos of passion pain love and rage, in a world that I created

And now I’m standing right up on the edge of the ledge that in my life I saw coming but have never seen past, with all that was and all that I couldn’t make last, trying all these faces, observing adopting all of their charades and civil obligations, but fuck the world, I never could play along so well as the righteous could with a savior of their soul

I never was strong enough to make it out there, I never was weak enough to take a lover, I never did so very much you would think one to do, I never did properly tell the people I needed, or if it was that I loved you

Now this house is just empty with nothing left, only bittersweetest memories to try and forget, Our hearts feel only empty though they’re filling up with names, The hardest part is being incomplete, knowing it’s never going to change

This house is still haunting me though I’ve long since had to move on, My body may be in a different space but my heart was lost with The rising of this new dawn

Some things I know, I’ve Never been able to let go, and if I do I really don’t, There’s always going to be that hole in my chest, and I know I’ll only be able to fill it up with regrets, And I never really got the lessons they sell, they only made me who I am, and even more bent on hell

This house is so empty, is there nothing left, But all these make believe memories I’m trying to just forget, My heart feels only empty, though it’s filling up with names, and the ticking time bomb was me, I guess that’s never going to change.

January 13th

Some days seem only wasted, when everything’s the same but I’m the one that’s changing, I look away because I can’t bear to see the stranger standing right in front of me, screaming at the sky just praying You don’t reply this time

Sometimes hate is for the sky being so blue, too afraid to say aloud that sometimes it feels like I hate You, another love and pain paradox, sifting separating all of my thoughts

As though there’s a point, as though I’m not just overly annoyed, standing staring straight back into the endless black, hurling rocks out past the very edge of the map, is all the wisdom to be had

I would leave it all in favor of never, leave the toils in the wind and simply disappear forever, no desire to be righted, no way of denying it, you can tear your heart ceased beating from your chest, run all your life, meaningless at best, I can’t ignore it, I can’t pay for any more regret

Say it to my face, no more games, no more time to waste, moments slip away as the past grows ever more evasive, let go of hope and you let go of all there was to know, just faceless, nameless, no reason left to heal, letting every chance pass by to feel something real

Was there ever any such thing of fate or destiny to draw us in, can God make a rock even bigger than He can lift, with the king’s heart in His hand, directing as He carves the rivers to and fro across the lands, let not my weakness be greater than being bound to a path, happenstance strengthen chance to leave a mark on a moment of consequence with all that I have

How many silently believe that they are the one creature under heaven that it’s maker puzzles what to do with, I can only hope purpose binds us as the stars do in their transit, and in the silence reconciling regrets to a better ending than this.

January 8th

They say that I should try to write it down, the stone face of a poet when you say my name aloud, and I barely recognize that sound, as we so easily get lost in the static of the background

I used to dream in colors, know one day I’ll run out of the words, that moment came and passed me by, and a thousand pages won’t satisfy, but still we have to try, or get washed away into the silence

When already I could sit for hours in it, with a mind screaming to be heard all the while, but if I found the courage to say, would it even matter anyway.

I loved, but not in return, now all of the bridges smolder after they burned, help me to believe and never turn cold, let me never disremember the miracles of old, if the purpose of life is still there in my soul

In darkness my eyes remain open but can only see the colors when I close them, how I yearn that I could simply say the truth, but I never want to be spurned by you

They say come as you are, even with a heart that’s not ideal, our unspoken wars have torn us apart, and I don’t know if we ever really heal, or if I even want to, just so one may go on and keep feeling

Where will I find the strength to complete the rest, when there are no reasons left and seems I’ve already seen the best

I am only a submissive sheep when I play that I can surrender and simply accept everything, throw your mind away and march on to the end, unfeeling, no motive left for pretend or healing

All has been seen, all that will be has been, now all I want is an illusion I can touch and see, something, anything that can truly absolve or comfort me, but every hope of imagination dissolves with my motivation

like the blinded mind I left behind, the child that has died inside, the truth before I could finally find it, more bitter than the thorn and the lie of the world that I created, now how can I make anything beautiful again.

But when and if I let it go, I lost you, myself, and every imagination I’ve known, there’s nothing left but a thousand nameless souls, ever bittersweet, always incomplete, and I desire nothing but to find my voice again

But who knows for how long, there’s nothing left in this world that I want, not a facet you can forget, wondering just what should be next, how can I move forward when there’s no remaining context.

December 31st

I thought I would always be able to find the words to try, but with faces all around and eyes I can’t recognize, I’m terrified to find that they are mine

Stronger now but with no direction, no longer anything left in them, for no less emptiness far out than near, an ever present illusion of something missing here, but the only things that ever filled in recollection beckon the question if they weren’t a lie as well

All that you’ve known balancing out of favor upon a precipice of harrowing consequence, for the peace of soul, for all that ever seemed to matter at all, now far less than I would have thought, and those hopes and dreams that continue to haunt have some measure of truth in them but I would have much rather put them down to simply illusion

Memories that keep repeating, attempting to draw me in to believing that they really meant something, reminding me of the undeniably growing fear every moment of breath, that I’ll never find what I saw in dreams I can’t forget

That I’ll forever be chasing after a ghost, the truth ever gaping with the time how it goes, and the knowing necessitates a change of perspective, but never any closure and the change is subjective

And I confess that it’s not enough for me anymore, I could not stay the same or return to before that point in time, now that everything is so much more real, faced with the reality that some wounds never heal

How did I miss the signs, I didn’t know they were for me, when did I lose track of that precarious moment my heart began to slip back, into the hands of make believe, an unseen anomaly, a love that never alights, dying along with the fire

Was it real, was it only in my mind, ever pulling me away from the life I’ve denied to admit didn’t mean what I thought it did, nothing really is anymore, only unanswered questions and closing doors

Wish I could say I had the kind of nobility to rebuild it all like then, that I knew where my heart was to dig it back up again, but motives speak now and then in their own languages, is there nothing at this journey’s end

We are in the midst of these changing storms surrounding within, with no choice and no voice, only it’s not the storms that are shifting, its us. But If you let go of everything and everyone where do you end up

Devils are changing into angels of God, and angels are decaying into the devil’s sons, we are feeding our wolves appetite, so pray that we end up on the right side, but I can feel the time chipping away at my strength, I’m losing my grip on a disappearing faith

Have the dreams been following me, or am I following the dreams, was it a prophecy from long before or a failure of the most horrible caliber, only aware I was tracing the tracks of the predator, that the angels restrained to keep me from getting there

Is it lonely to be God? My prayers have faded into just a passing thought, Does it hurt to be the smartest one in the universe?

I know the more I am silent the storm keeps growing more violent, the more inside that’s eating away, I can’t help but think it’s easier to say when You always knew it was this way

Even if I could find the right words to say, it wouldn’t matter anyway, I thought that I knew what I was working for, but find that nothing really matters to me anymore

December 19th

Let me press rewind so that we can have a talk, to back before the time my heart and soul finally got shut off, to before these words became verses caught cutting in my throat, thought I knew my purpose but the feeling doesn’t come though

Sit and stare at the wall, push it back down before it’s on my tongue, have I forgotten how to be honest, or is my mind just on the run

Again, too scared to let anyone in, and nobody knows it when I don’t show it, I tell myself it doesn’t matter anyway, the more I try surrender the farther away I feel from everyone and thing

Will I ever unlock my mouth to confess this weight on my chest, heart and mind- like the serpent that follows behind me day and night, its venomous sting at every hour I’m alive

Grip it by the neck and it ever slips out of my grasp, throw it in a cage and it slithers right back, my only companion standing right by my shadow, never forgetting my secrets kept within, never failing to recite every one of my sins

As the battle rages on through another weary day, The cruel weathering attrition, at war with the words they say, try not to give in now as we fall like the casualties all around

As we continue to descend, as the time is so heavy upon my chest, terrified that the love locked inside denied will be the death of its remembrance with the time

How do we keep our souls aflame when we’re fighting for our souls and faith

I can’t feel you now, can you hear me somehow?

Can you feel what I could never say aloud?

The way the sun finally breaks through black clouds, the way the green grass pushes up through the rocky ground, like a prelude to something you felt once but now is no more

Like the words caught in my throat, a still burning, silent pain.

Running as fast as we can, will we break the surface before the sun is gone again?

December 17th

No I’m not looking for love this time

I don’t want another one of their lies

When he said I love you

I replied you know that’s not true

we don’t talk about it, only run away

Like we always do, two of the same

Said he really wanted to get some but I only wanted to forget someone

Where has my heart gone, when I knew it was a lie all along

wish I could say I didn’t know the pain of the truth

That I can’t give my heart away when it’s always there with you

guess love is just a useless drug that’s for everyone but us

So I’ll draw upon all that I am to leave behind something real

To make them feel so that I don’t have to

And keep on denying the fact

That all I want is what I can never have

I guess love is just a useless drug for everyone but us

I know I’m not the only one

Who feels they don’t belong

Living underneath the surface

In love all alone

I know I won’t ever find what I’m searching for

Suspended in time

I can’t waste it anymore

So I sang your soul a symphony but it seems you weren’t listening

Set my soul to fire just to watch it burn away

ghosts intertwining chasing the echo of a better day.

December 11th free write

There’s a wolf among the fold

A whisper upon the breeze

There’s a fire in the mind

A heart that’s never set at ease

Now that we’ve been turned out, can we ever return now?

Don’t let your heart fall down too far, keep yourself bound to that part of who you are, do you still recall how the spring felt in your soul, is now every season winter evermore, fighting in the same struggle as all those gone before

Do you feel you are all alone? Perhaps that is so, but ultimately you are not on your own in that every man likely will feel unseen or unknown

Surface acquaintances, numerous and unsatisfying in a way one doesn’t wish to give voice to what is screaming inside. Is it hard to believe that anyone could or would care as much as you do? About you or any of the things you do, or feel, how can I believe that not every interaction is a silent assessment of exchanges and gain?

Is love simply a dispassionate agreement of symbiotic beneficiaries? How does one get back to believing in any of the former or latter of that when I feel I’ve already displaced my better half?

What do you want with the remainder of your days? What keeps you awake when you cannot escape?

Do you feel you are all alone in a world full of souls all somehow just out of reach, you can be touching skin but not really feel it, we change ourselves in the ways life demands of us to adapt, but remain frozen inside and feel so lonely we learn just to act

Substantiate, compartmentalize, Substitute, replace, tell ourselves lies to quell the fear that we still feel truly alone.

December 10th thoughts

Let go of the things you can’t control, live in the moment- Everybody knows it, that nothing in this world was made to last

But if you don’t care, I don’t care, yes I’m scared but not unaware of the truth that I deny

I won’t tell you who to be or what they want to see, won’t say what they want to hear or tell you not to fear, but can you do the same for me? You don’t have to overcome all the sorrow and your pain, we’re not here tomorrow, only for today

Are all these dreams only lies, when it seems we’re living on borrowed time, all I can want is something to hold onto, that’s as real as in my head, anything to feel alive again

Haunted by the fear of never finding that something real, or when you get there to realize that dreams are the only things left to feel, that your heart will never be reflected back to you

And it’s amazing how a song on the radio can bring all the hurt inside flooding back just like the first time that it happened, tired songs keep playing on a scratchy radio, slight variations of melody keep saying the exact same things though

I don’t always know what You’re trying to say, but it would be easier to have this conversation if I could peel back the decade, to before being apathetic and jaded, before the brightest colors faded

So we become actors on a tightrope walk trying not to look backwards or we might fall off, now I can’t help but ask the question of where do I belong, the hardest of confessions, scared all I love is wrong

So what am I to be for the rest of my life, I don’t want a family, not the type to be a wife, and in the end I’m not so surprised to find, to suspect I was a villain all this time.

December 5th thoughts-free write

Days like today I feel like a walking contradiction I may be standing still but my thoughts just keep on spinning

Keep thinking that I’m lonely I should try to make some friends, the kind you only need a few, with whom you don’t have to pretend

Or maybe even find just one but don’t know where to begin, when spending all my time on the run, can’t seem to let anyone in

And trying my very best more than any time before, the clock a weight upon my chest, always looking back and forward

I can still remember when I thought that love was real, when we were young so naive and still knew how to feel

Now all that I know is this weighing on my soul, keep saying that I’ll find the beat but days keep taking toll

When my mind’s on fire and I don’t know how to rest, see the time’s been wasted, trying to make it up at best

Keep on taking second tries but can’t seem to rectify, when I feel so much inside that I can’t say it aloud, put a song to paper but the words they won’t come out

To be honest like I promised but no one was around, to hear it anyway so I locked the verses out with the crowd, now I’m all alone, trying to find something to show

All these voices between the lines competing for my attention, has my allegiance been divided and I’m lost in my direction

They say the truth will set you free but words they don’t say much, sorry to disagree but the first did no such thing for me

If with their touch and with our words we cannot know each other, I must find another way to speak with one another.

November 27th

So can we finally have an open conversation between just the two of us

One not veiled in the convolution and ideal evolution

I was hoping they were right in saying I was wrong

We’re getting closer to the edge, suspicions correct all along

It was no fool who reasoned to throw himself headlong into the fire whole

Now we’re both holding our breath, running on through the next season’s hold

And I know that we have no choice but to carry on my dear, so hold your head up high for me, pretend you do not feel the fear

Feels like we’re up to our necks, fighting to forget these regrets,

it’s a shame nothing beautiful can stay, but promise me that we won’t fade away

Because we ran and we ran but we could not hide

Now I pray everyday to see you on the other side

Now having All these lessons learned

Only one thing’s for sure

I wouldn’t ever want to live forever

Having asked all the questions and given all the answers

Smile right And play along with all the other dancers

But when all is said and done

Know I’m not the only one

No I don’t want to live forever

There is no comfort or peace in the truth now

Why go looking hard when Pain is all you found

Blessed are they who never opened their eyes

Who remain innocent and naive inside

Just wish we could still live in that hope of lies

But Only hope that one day we meet on the other side

November 21st Free Write

I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve had anything to say

Only it’s not that, I just kept it all inside of me

Burning a hole through a fractured heart, doing anything I can just to forget that part

To bury it away in a box somewhere far beyond the decay

That keeps trying to change us, that’s ever fighting to disconnect us

From who we are and the love we once knew existed

But is not every connection in part what we make it out to be, reflections of our own heart?

You know I said I loved you then and would mean it to the end,

I never took it back from you my dearest friend

I guess you thought it wasn’t quite right but confess I never really even paid that mind

Who said first you can’t judge love by its colors, if you still felt the same I couldn’t help but wonder

You know I still do think of you even after all this time

I wonder where you are, if you’re chasing the same starlight

Perhaps we knew each other’s thoughts, are two of the same, or perhaps we are not, but doesn’t change a thing

But I can only meet you as far as you allow, but it seemed I couldn’t truly reach you anyhow

I never knew that the memory of someone you missed could suck the air right out of my chest

Your ghost keeps coming back just like you never left

But I guess that’s why memories

Are the hardest things to forget

But the darkness knows my name just as well, and for all the words we couldn’t say is another piece of my heart I’m trying to sell

Now we’re both wandering stars amidst a universe gone dark

Wherever you are, if these words can reach you, I hope you know I still do

And you can know you could still count on me, and know when you ever need somebody, I’ll still be right there waiting

Like a stone.

7.26

I close my eyes and speak to You with no words, like the once upon a time before the world and hurt, and it’s getting harder with every passing day to even try to begin to explain, but sometimes I can still remember how it felt before we came to this place

Can You still see me as I was the moment before this mess, though it seemed a lifetime ago, when I danced upon the winds with innocence, and the light of the sun shone kissing my throat, running weightless upon a whim, owned by no one and becoming superhuman

Fighting for everything I believed in, All I had to do was be myself and bide more time before it put me up on a shelf with everybody else, where the colors blur together into one grey mess, and everyday’s the same mundane weather and just letting go of the rest

These crippled wings dream of those skies, for I left my heart somewhere buried between the past and the lie, so I run all through the night until I break upon the rocky heights, clearing the clouds by myself until the end, climbing and reaching even closer to heaven

As everyday that passes my heart is sinking even faster, another mile beneath the ocean’s waves crashing, can You remember the words I used to say, the melody my heart once sang, another flicker in the film of my life, another still on the ground tonight, but I saw this scene in a dream long before it’s time

I turn around the next bend in the maze of these mountains, the blackness a reflecting friend, refractions of the life and soul I left behind, lost in the translation of life from soul to skin, they may not see it in my eyes, but I always look back in Your direction

They say I may think it but I’m still not invincible, that I’ll get myself killed the next time I lose control, truth be told I’m not afraid, I will not remain beholden to staying just to fade, they don’t need to understand, I wonder if we ever really even can

I tried to sleep but was awaken to see myself standing screaming out from beneath the eldest oak tree, on the night that it seemed everything I had ever believed was taken from me, one grand misleading hoax, deceived and dragged out to where we did not want to go, but I still think of you

Amidst all these strange faces seemingly saying things they don’t mean, one that says he loves me but he is nowhere to be seen, a stranger lies beside me in the dust, talking and counting stars, of life, death, and just how soon it might be up, but I don’t mind at all, tonight just let the chips fall

From the outside looking in on how fleeting are these moments, memories trapped in my skin, striving for the present, but still all three exist within the air I breathe in, I have gone out, I have stayed in, I ascended the heights, and have to accept that this is who I am

In this moment of lucidity, I close my eyes and speak to You with no words.

7.19

Whose is the voice singing over me, with so many noises it’s getting harder to breathe, and I can’t decide which it is that’s led me from when I first began, the hand that’s held me safe in every place I ran

Sometimes I think I can feel You all around me, electric shivers locked in my skin, sometimes I think I hear You calling from some distant place, surely You cannot mean for me, if You know my thoughts and shame

Perceiving each one before it is even done, intertwining until they can seem to be almost one, it’s always been most parts of me are so far out of reach, that as I’m living surviving life, I pray You understand me if You catch sight

Most times I’m convinced You’d hold these pains and regrets over my head, though they already haunt me every hour I remain this side of heaven, though now I’m walking around like a loaded gun, still You bind danger from my path, when I’m out for blood, seething and rash

When I make a decision in my heart I tend to take things way too far, by the ironic scorn of the full moon in Capricorn, I made the climb alone, to prove to myself I don’t need anyone, retracing my steps here for every lost year and lingering regret, feeling like a time machine on the night before my death

What love is left will shed these tears again, I will give up my flesh when I see this is the end, I wanted to feel so much more than the numb of another painkiller, only our tears break through the words that will not be found again, they have become more worthless, so let our spirits cry in their languages

Whose is the voice calling out to me, in the midst of what seems the perfect ending, what are You trying to say, I know there’s more than the little I can explain, But I don’t know this place or this feeling, I can’t recognize my own face, watching the story play out from up on the ceiling

Growing in strength with every day still feels just like falling further into the silent place, Now there’s so much less holding me back than any other place in time, I guess I’ve finally arrived somewhere near the other side, hoping to find someone before communications disappear in their entirety.

7.12

How long am I going to keep telling myself that I’ll get to it later, try to write out some of these thoughts that are killing me more quickly than I can find the words to really say, but if I can find the sound, maybe I can leave something for when I’m not around

And it’s when I’ve got no one that I’ll push them all away, when I feel more misunderstood the more that I try to say, you say to explain but soon as I chain two thoughts together seems you come back around with how I could do better

When I’m giving it everything that I’ve got, but all I can hear is all that I’m not, like I’m sorry I can’t change myself too well, swallowed it all back down to just keep kidding myself, that eventually I’ll connect with someone somewhere, but I’m guessing it’s me that’s distant and sometimes I don’t even care

But I know I can and often do too much, they say that maybe that was what my crutch was, just let it all go, yeah so fucking easy though, one more thing slips through my hands and trying to not grow cold but I’m thinking I understand

Why those people will do most anything to feel, because after you let it die some of the wounds still never healed, and I’m giving everything I can but the only thing left is the silence and stagnance, I’ve got to get back some of my passion from the remnants

But I can’t find it, I just wanted to know You could decipher some of it, when it may sound arrogant, and I could be wrong, but I’ve sure felt misunderstood all along.

7.10

Who are you God, because You are turning out to be much different than I thought, I know I ran away for so long, did whatever I wanted, and messed it all up in the end, paid a highest price, then chased You down again, trying to get an answer, gain some reprieve, and there saw a great many things that you would not believe

I know I can be stubborn as hell, though maybe I wouldn’t have seen them if I hadn’t of been myself, Went out there, learned my lessons hard, and it still feels like the end, though it’s unfortunately just the start

Now I keep my thoughts to myself, but know You still see and search them, intertwining in my mind like no one else, how I sought to change myself, as the more I saw the more I felt, and now I simply cannot be the same, save for a heart that’s filled with pain

And even though I know without a doubt You’re always here, right beside me, it doesn’t save me from my fears that are overtaking me, are You so well aware of how I never cared for knowing I’m not alone in all of this pain, that it only makes it worse knowing it’ll always stay the same

And that I can’t really help them, or if they claim that it did lessen any pain, well I can’t personally say anything makes mine go away, not anymore, like every day forward is adding another stone to the weight of these broken dreams

And these new eyes are killing all that I’ve ever known, leaving no relief but to close my eyes and revisit forbidden memories alone, of a life and a person obviously gone forever, but hard as I try, I can’t exorcise them from my head

I know I said the testing of a man begins when there is no benefit left in passing, now it’s my turn and I’m moving forward but only acting, and I fear I’ve lost my compassion somewhere back in the history of my hope, lost in the crashing of everything I’d known

I raise my eyes to the horizon with every morning, moving forward with the difficult choices, but now every word causes my heart to physically hurt, I must be getting closer because I feel so cold, and standing here with everybody else, I only feel more alone everyday in a sea of sinking souls.

7.4

Sometimes it seems there’s more than these empty conversations filled with empty words, that the heart whispers in a language that with ears cannot be heard, when two hearts reflect in speaking without inflection, ever waiting wanting searching for its sacred silent protection

Where I could stay for hours and wish to never leave, where the stars breathe out their secrets, carried whispers on the breeze, in an illuminating darkness with no walls or defenses to move, no silly play pretend that I’m not more terrified than you

All the talk about love but when it comes down to any time apart, it seems it’s not enough, with a spark that dies out quite so fast, they say if it’s real that it will last, but I’m not sure anything does anymore, all I know is I can only feel your touch, and if I’m honest for a moment, for me that’s not enough

Alone again feels just fine anyhow, as you’ve evidently already got me all figured out, and I’m always assuming the problem is me, but I couldn’t feel or hear your heart from the beginning, and your source of life is not mine, so how will we ever see eye to eye

If everything is so carnal, so obviously simple in your view, there’s no such thing as magic, only what you can see right in front of you, but I’ve seen too much to concede to your assertions as truth, seems something spoken in the silence is separating me and you

I can’t seem to translate to you why this sunset makes me sad, even though I know it will rise again after that, or how it will never look the same twice, or just how much every day it’s looking more like life

And I know that you hurt just like everybody else, but don’t know how much or how I could help, they told me don’t let it in, don’t let this life ruin your innocence, but I’m still scared it’s just that there’s not enough left to love with

They say you always think now you can’t ever love again, until one day you do and how you least expected it, Now I’m standing where it feels like the setting of all I’ve known, the decades crashing down, heart still sinking like a stone, a rebirth with so much behind it that I can’t find the words

Although I know the world is actually still the same, and after everything, I’m the one that’s changed, I’m not really asking for help, in finding the best bet for success is keeping to myself, when so many of the voices calling out to each of us are battling so fiercely to turn us on eachother, it can seem that there’s no real compassion left here for one another

With every raining arrow of guilt and the shame that’s aimed to kill, I’ll take it with a grain and hide my heart somewhere far away from the battle.

6.30

The stars say they don’t know who you are, is it shining down now showing our true hearts, hard to believe things will ever look the same, as we wonder and wander if we’ll ever really feel again

Or just old repeats of the same fucking stories with a different face, ever moving forward from what’s past just to erase, or attempting to outrun what is to come, locked in this moment forever are both of them

Wish I could help you to forget the way that it is here, but barely keeping my own head up and don’t believe in any saviors, your pain is my sorrow, but today I’ve got to let it all go

We’re running straight on now to the end, with no way to carry on but to understand when we’re dead, perhaps if I keep on with living a bit faster, I can get what I want, the slip that I’m after

Because either way no one’s getting out of here alive, I’m out for blood today and don’t care if I die, there’s a fear that’s hollowed out inside, but I’m not going to let it show this time

We’re moving on though with the season’s shifting tide, and in the wake of all these moments, it’s change or get left behind, because this transit of Saturn has been quite the bitch, like ripping my guts out and shredding them to bits

Then shoving them back down my throat, only to force me where next to go, like a cosmic taskmaster that knows exactly what it’s after, to change all that I’ve known, rolling with punches but they just keep getting lower

Now I’m even farther in to the middle of it, seeing all their pain and I can’t help a bit, seems that no one even genuinely gives a shit, and I’d confess to being just as encumbered with it

My chest is so tight I can scarcely take a breath, as I’m edging my tires even closer to the edge, throw another back, hoping for a heart attack, don’t know why I showed up here, I don’t even care

When every day we’re numbing out, I’d rather feel the misery and pain than let the rest of my soul go, let the rage take the wheel, it’s the only thing that I can feel, and I should know better, I’ve got to get this back together

When I’m still and alone again at the end of another day of spinning and playing pretend, dizzying in endless succession, my stomach retches in learning the next lesson, as I bite my tongue not to cry aloud for help anymore

I sit in the silence of my heart staring out from the chaos up at the stars, and I feel You near, pressing in closer as I’m choked by my fears as they’re closing in on me, but still I’m angry and I have nothing to say, all the questions I know will never be explained

And I don’t want to raise a word against You, after all that we have been through, but I feel that I’ve been left behind to crawl, I’ll take the blame but wish I’d never been born at all, now we’re trapped in between Earth and hell, just searching for a high enough to not kill ourselves

I know it’s not supposed to be this way, I can recite all the ideals, but I can’t even be myself anymore, Just fighting not to feel, but it just keeps coming back like a disease I can’t shake, No matter where I go or what I do it always seems to chase

And here I’m caught between playing the heartless bitch and the one they look down upon as a foolish kid, when I really just wanted out of all of it for all of these years, still here fighting through one more day with blood sweat and tears

And I’m too angry to speak, though I know I’ve no right no be, after all, are we not all born to pay, a life sentence of broken dreams just to bend and break, but I’m no one special, just another scared child, and I’m sorry I couldn’t really help them

Sorry if my love has grown cold, if You and I never really knew each other at all, If I imagined everything and really after all was just the one that went crazy, I’m going to run, I’m going to scream, taking all this shame and shit right off the cliff with me.

6.24

Another day through, the next right move, another mountain to climb, the next fake smile, another breath to hold, the next emotion to control

Another pill, build a stronger will, the next positive spin, another “I’ve got this”, the next “just one more day,” but another comes anyway

Fear trapped within, no use in talking about it, been there done that and it’s never enough, all I can do is fucking show up, time to tear down the walls, but not everything just falls

If I write it down plain, will it recompense for what I can’t figure out how to say, I want to talk with You, but can I speak with the pictures haunting my brain, just like the songs You sing over me when I can’t say a thing

My voice seems that it’s getting farther away, choked out in the motions of the next charade, so I no longer know what’s real or true, search me and know why I do as I do

Will I finally see this clear in the midst of all my demons here, with all of these voices screaming at me, which one is mine, there’s a song trapped beneath, that I cannot find, but it’s never stopped singing

Like an angel ever tarrying one step behind, carrying me through every day I lose my mind, driving the highway with no destination again, who am I that You should be chasing me, ever taken by the wind

There’s nowhere else to run, though You know what I have done, stared down my life to erase for the mistakes I can’t unmake, what is Your love, the mysterious unseen, and if I don’t make it, I hope to fall ever chasing this greatest mystery

Because today I’m simply too weary to pretend to not be me.

6.22

And now that we’re on our way to where we absolutely have to go, I’m afraid to see if my love has grown cold, they say when this life comes next for your name, you’ve got to burn bright, don’t let it extinguish your flame

I’ve seen it before, so many with the time, who barely notice the fade, and now it’s come for mine, holding tight to not lose our fight in the ever changing tide, promise me you won’t let it in, don’t let it kill your fire

The one that once blazed far outlasting the rest, the eyes that ever gazed right past their bullshit, not just another fucking fake and empty shell, you’re about to give up but only you can save yourself

Because this is it, everything looks different, like watching all my life flashing by on a small TV screen, and suddenly think I see just what it means, now time isn’t moving the way it did before, how do you get back in after the ashes have covered the floor

It’s like watching the world from way up in the atmosphere, in all these old dusty stills, though I swear I’ve already been here, I’ve seen this somewhere before, but who can explain how, there is no more time to waste now, change has become the very air, the rising and falling of tales everywhere

Never have I seen or felt anything like this, when I finally understood it for what it is, with open eyes for nearly the very first time, from the outside looking in on what I thought was my life, standing beside the old skin, with no place to hide behind the illusion

Felt so much that now we’re going numb, looking all around it’s the same question and problem, simply spoken or shown in all different ways, some on the run and others find escape

This world has turned us out, what can bring us back now, promise me when it comes for your name, you won’t let it in, don’t let it take your flame.

6.16

Push it back down, throw out the thoughts now, and with it goes the rest of the soul, erasing these words to chase the next chemical

We’ve gotten so low we’re thinking that we’re high, forgotten to even write the note for suicide, can you take and kill the little left of me, fabricate a thrill and I’ll admit defeat

I never want you to see the weakest side of me, I’ve been living on the run again and can’t feel anything, when you put your hands on my skin, will I ever remember who I am

This isn’t me, I don’t want this, seems that you’re chasing after the wrong kiss, I’m no good you’ll see, but I’ve never been so skilled at playing make believe, feels all that’s left is to pretend, I’ll leave you for the wind when my world’s upended again

It’s all coming down with the changes these days, And I’m fighting in vain notbto get too far away, but I’m finding it hard to believe in any words you say, that I could be so different, when we’re all just as lost and searching for forgiveness

Only apart for a day and it can seem crystal clear, that I’ve grown a million miles away, and you can’t hold my heart from here, from where you are, I don’t know that we could ever really even touch each other’s scars

Why can’t I feel your heart, I’m finding it hard to believe that you don’t just want something from me, while I’m too numb to decide, too dead to say why, as the dreams in succession keep blurring with real life, it’s getting harder to tell what’s real and what’s still trapped inside my mind

Could you feel my heart, with the words I cannot say, if you sit within the silence, will it speak to you plain as the day, I can’t feel this anyway, numb to the pleasure and left with the pain

See how far I’ve come, what I thought could not be done, shame I lost my heart somewhere along the way, shame the passion’s gone and all these words are vain

Burn another page, push the needle further in, to carry on we have to change, so you’re breaking in my skin, though I only ever think of wanting to leave, wanting to recognize someone or something in this place where we’re all grieving

And there’s no way out, no way back to where we came from now, this world will leave you lonely, I’ll ever run back to my only source, even if to sit in silence from this point forward, the words don’t come, when they don’t say enough anymore.