1.12 free write

I just want to breathe in and exhale the fog from my mind, I just want to get out of my skin, leave the past and future behind

I just want the screaming inside to finally stop, but nothing ever seems to take the edge off, I just want the static to clear so I can finally make something of being so far from here

The words are all jumbled up in the sky above, I can’t grab on to any one as they’re stealing the air from my lungs, they say that to live is to change everyday, but I find in its wake I can’t find the strength to stay

What the fuck is wrong with you, I can’t help but ask myself, when I can’t seem to make it through the day like most everyone else

I feel like I only cause problems for you, I want to help everyone around me, only to drop the other shoe, when I can’t even help myself, feels like I fuck up no matter what I do

I can’t even tell what’s true anymore, and if I’m honest enough with myself I’m scared I just don’t fucking care anymore, makes no difference of the supposed to, when we’re all drowning in this together

I can’t catch a breath of air long enough now to help the people I care about, and it feels like we’re all always headed down when as soon as I can break the surface, the next wave takes me under and another day seems worthless

I just want it to end, I’m so fucking sick of this weight of all we can do is play pretend, the truth is too hard to look at and few want to hear what they can’t fix with the infinite wisdom of their lips

Feels like I hate everything and I don’t want to come back up, why give all my strength, tears, and blood just to get pushed back down again, and I’m screaming so fucking loud but it doesn’t even matter at all, because all that I’m saying is what everyone already knows

Everything turns to dust, all that once shined is eroding in rust, find the truth but it doesn’t set you free, and I don’t waste my time advertising my victories

I want to turn the music up so I never have to hear again, they say that life is all about love, so why does it only end, and the rest is a choice that hurts when too few are willing to do the hard work

I should know by now the problem is with me, when I still feel all alone in the midst of company, they say that I love but inside I’ve given up and don’t know how to believe in anything to come

How do I keep on hiding the anger that burns inside, try to make it go away, knowing that I’ve no right, why do I feel so aggressive, push it back down again, the past is dead I know, but how do we move past pretend

I know I’m not the only one in these things, but never found solace in the multiplication of misery, going through the motions but never finding the strength, and all these bottled up emotions have rendered me insane

I’m sorry for everything and how quickly I fall away, people keep repeating I just need to have more faith, but I don’t know what to do while I’m supposed to be trusting in You

But trusting that You’ll do what exactly? Because I’ve got all these questions I keep asking, and sometimes I can feel it doesn’t make a difference what I say, because Your will is different and I know You’ll have Your way

I know that God is good and He is ever faithful, but I’m never where I should and my heart’s grown only hateful in the fight, with half the time apologizing for everything I am, the other branding myself that I have to give a damn

I’m trying with all I’ve got but it’s simply not enough, and I’m terrified that this will never be done, that my most earnest cries will make no difference in Your replies, and in my small simple mind I can’t find the reasons why.

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January 3rd free write

In my minds eye I can still see myself a child, lying on her bed staring up at the canopy lights, dreams in her head and the same music in the night- though I didn’t know then what it would mean

Unaware that You were Already There, and saw in my reflection a glimpse of a face I would not recognize for many years to come, and cry in the night, why did You call me here

Unaware how long that road would be, with the same big blue eyes that You first showed me, and the vague love songs that I would hang my heart upon, so strong and alive, oh how I wish I could turn back time

But here we are today, holding our breath here on out, the light gone away from its place in that gaze, there’s no turning back now

I know You saw back then and I can’t figure out if you still see me and where I’ve been, I know that You’re looking both there and here – I wish that my small simple tears were enough to dissuade the years

From falling upon me as they threaten to turn so, will you count Your righteousness to the girl of long ago, before living and the world and learning of its truth, before the corruption of everything I knew

I no longer feel noble, with thoughts that are simple and small, a still weeping child inside I can’t figure out how to console, in the emerging future looming ahead that I can no longer control

As if it were anything new to everyone on the planet, though there’s nothing new to say to equip me to stand it, it’s easy to write the answers into these empty spaces, but an agonizing war with its application

I know this truth but can’t bring myself to stare back at it for very long, like needles sinking in, stealing the strength needed to carry on

A child lies in bed, sleepless with excitement for the day that lies ahead, now the rising sun fills of only its fear and dread, and the many plagues that befall its people, to the right and to my left

I do not sit amidst the Assembly simply for the sake of disagreeing, as I fear my lot is to become just like them, my guilt and shame are multipled for honesty, and a heart waging war with its end.

12.24 free write

Give it away, change and replace everything in my life, I can’t afford to stay the same in my heart I know, but at the end of the day there’s nowhere left to start or go

From here, where nowhere far away is any better than near, where the people are empty and dreams are dead, no companion left standing to pretend

There is nothing new underneath the sun, nothing left of desire or to wish to be done, and I’ve made such mistakes- enough that you’d say I was insane

but to the girl who first wandered out upon this dry desert place, at that time it seemed like the only way, but now come of age, I don’t know how long I’ll have to suffer to pay, will I ever be forgiven what I put to waste, or forever wear the scars that grace my face

Of a song that never was,- but no one would listen anyway- in the smallest increments, I’ve tried so to explain

It seems the only way left to go is the path they say is impossible though, I’ve always had to find a different road, and now being alone is no worse than where the lonely crowd goes

Though I’m terrified I will confess, of life and time and our endlessness, and the words fall flat every time, they’re so much smaller than what’s screaming out inside

I know it’s already happened, that I just can’t see ahead, like a secret that’s been shown to everyone else instead, either or we are all deceived, holding onto the hope of a forsaken dream

With the words of a child all that I know, feeling empty and hopeless, cold and alone, I see how far I’ve come, but my only desire is to be done, so afraid of the road that lies ahead that I only pray by then to be dead

This war at which I was born to keep my hands, it never ends, and I wonder all for what, the signs they don’t make sense, the “answers” don’t add up

I know there’s no such thing as an everlasting love, that no one will care or listen like the man up above, and perhaps no one will ever understand me very much or at all, but I sometimes still wish I had someone to touch and hear when I call

I know that I shall not want, it’s nothing that I need, and everything else is a lie, but most times feel that I was born to bleed

Belonging nowhere above or below, because everything they say, twists my words to make me feel unknown, separated inside by the words I can never seem to find

I bite my tongue until it’s cut as my heart the same, because nothing I say will make it change anyway, none of your words ease the pain, only remind of the truth I try not to hate

Because when I built my castles to try and make a way to survive in this life, they came crashing down when I found their foundation was made of the sand washed away with the tides of time

No two souls are quite alike, so further I look the more I find, that I may be damned, and it kills me inside not knowing which was planned- or what to do next in a hopeless situation

From the very beginning to the breath of the last bend, all in that moment, will it then make sense, regardless of which- God, let it be the end!

12.20 free write

There’s a terror in my mind, it eats at me, keeps me up at night, I know that I can’t run to anywhere or anyone, for there’s none that I know who can loosen its hold

It’s not their job, it’s more than I can ask, there’s nothing I can say that’ll make them understand, afraid to need, terrified inside that they’d see this part of me

I’ve always walked my days alone, accepting some help but emotionally alone, the ever present feeling that the sky’s falling on me again, too weary to stay strong, too weak to play pretend

I walk into a widow’s world to find the burden is multiplied, taking my sorrow up from the floor, of only a glimpse of why she cries

And the decades all crash down upon me, like a still frame movie with the same tragic ending; as though all the labor, pain, and tears were all in vain and we’re left only with that fear

How Great That Darkness my friend, when it swallows you whole, it goes without end- can you make me feel better, permit me the selfish vein, for I cannot bear the day, and the nights bring only pain

It’s a lie and everything is broken in turn, and before it’ll build you up with hope, just to watch you burn, cut to see you bleed, the world is no different you see; life is loss and misery, sometimes dotted with mystery

Everyday is another battle in the never ending war, never knowing if I’ll make it because we’ve never been here before, it’s all already past, but still we’re here to fight regardless what’s been cast

Where do they hide it, if they feel this too, why can’t I be so strong, be as good as you, my voice calls aloud into the empty night, trying somehow to find the air just to survive

Why is time moving so much faster, why can’t you see nothing’s built to last and today is all we’ll ever have, no promise, no tomorrow to be assured, when I can’t fight this war anymore.

12.18

They’re wrong- what they say, that it’ll get better, that it will be okay. perhaps they’re right only in part, but fail to designate how much will have to die within your heart

Or that you very well may be trying to kill yourself off for the entirety of the way, why even bother dying if you still have to live with the pain, because it never goes away, never gets any easier to fake or maintain

I can’t stand to see what I’ve become, the person I thought was lame or the villain back when I was young, is it possible that there are no solutions, no fulfillment for some

Do you think me now narcissistic, I’d speak it aloud but it’d seem far too simplistic, I’d say the words that are consuming me inside, but they will never come out right no matter how hard I try

Go love and serve one another, but underneath a different cover, I’m just as empty as you, it doesn’t matter where you look to

I’ll admit that I try to save myself and you too, I’m trying to be less selfish but I don’t know what more to do, when we’re all fighting our wars that can neither be won nor run from, how do we let anyone in if all they do is hurt us all over again

What if it’s useless for all of the people like me, what if they’ll never understand what they refuse to see, life is always changing and I don’t know how to deal, when everything good fades away and there’s nothing else to feel

But the same old demons day after day, the same old battles that leave you old and gray, there is no way back, I don’t know how to make up for all I know I lack

I don’t belong here anymore, where everyone’s love grows cold in this world, the right words ever elude, something you never get used to

And the silence after all this time, a sound so disconcerting, I tried so hard to make it right but it only ends up hurting

The only thing they ever said that was correct- the more deeply you can feel, the more pain you’ll carry to the end, they’ll misunderstand your heart and cast their accusations

I could write it all out of a thousand pages long, but it will never satisfy, never make you hear my heart’s song

And no one will ever see or feel who we truly are, as this world keeps us busy laboring beneath the weight that is each of ours, and so I cry not for myself alone, with a voice that shall never be known.

11.7

Never been any good at pasting on a smile or the happy words, the ones we’re supposed to have because it could always be worse, I know it well as I see it all around, but at the end of the day it’s hard to live it down

When the countenance eventually falls it feels impossible to connect with anyone at all, as though ever speaking in different languages, if they fail to convert me back to pretend with their dogmatic adages

I can’t understand them the way that I should, and I too only end feeling misunderstood, like trying to describe a color I’d never seen before, living in my soul, for which I don’t ever seem to find the words for

And the feeling of being alone, regardless of who you’re with- I know it’s me and not them, but it never seems to give, so just once I dreamt of being different than I am

I wish I could write you a letter to make you understand, because just like many others- life didn’t go as planned, though that seems an understatement for me to simply say, as it does no justice to explain the situation

They say when you have an illness you go to a shrink and take pills, but what of when you’re at it’s end- and there’s nothing left to will

They say if you have an addict, you send them somewhere to rebuild, that the answers are clear, fit for everyone here- even written on sheets with neat little inspirational quotes, verbatim on repeat to keep away the old ghosts

How I wish I could find the words some way, but always feel like I don’t speak the same language, I may simply be the only one in the world who’s blind, unable to reach far enough to change my mind’s design

Oh I would love you with an eternal love so bold, but then I’d get amnesia when this burden takes its hold, when it has me by the neck, years turn into decades- I can’t find how to catch my breath, I came all this way to find it was useless and I was destined for death

All I’ve got is one last chance, as the weight of it grows in this intricate dance, the primary problem is that this is who I am, to where would I go in the dwindling knowledge of man

The years have been far cruel and I’ve nothing left with which to pay my dues, how life has changed more than that child could ever have imagined it to

I am driven from the cities, conflict ever in my ears, never have I been so far away yet hearing things so clear, to whom shall we report, when there’s nothing left to cling to anymore

How I wish I could find the words to say it all, I scribble them in black and white, only to erase my scrawl, keep it masked within my heart, and sink back down beneath the shame that had me hiding from the start.

11.27 free write

I run down this hard weary road of dust and broken seed, illuminated by the dull glow of the stars in just my dreams, of evergreens and fantastical things of which do not exist in this world that we see

Cruel and unforgiving, there’s simply no use in living, if I could grow wings I would fly away, and never come back to this day and age, for there is nothing here for you but decay and to waste away, to wither with the time and labor all in vain

I thought to myself I’d find a better way, and in my good intentions still ended losing everything, now I run by the shade of the mountain I hide, with the jackal and coyote and eagle eyes I cry

I do not understand it, how most go on without jumping off a bridge, or who finds the deepest knowledge of any consolation, when truth really is much more grim than imagination

I’d have followed suit to kill or swallowed a bottle of pills, but it really is too cliche when soon you will find we most all feel this way, one day or another, the mundane as it’s cover

But I neither comprehend how one who knows not the final end can lie to themselves so well , for the only reason to remain on this planet is so that I don’t go to hell- for we reside in the lesser darkness, but on this side our hearts grow hardened

The life I’d always known seems just a distant dream these todays, as some surreal flash amidst a billion riddled pages, each marked with a death and its familiar starting breath, compelled by routine and complacency to give way to those proceeding

And the fears that lived within me from the first breath of beginning, with the time opened my eyes to my wars I won’t be winning, which of these were written within from the very start, all of their answers to rhetorical questions- who first creates the human heart?

You need not hold me to my sins or heap on guilt for all my decisions, for I already hold myself in contempt of the courts which wrote the law, I’ll never recover from the fate my hand has inadvertently drawn, when there’s no reason to overlook my many sins, no motivation that you should love the villain

Sometimes it seems that there was no way around these fetters in which I now find my grave, as though I weren’t born with the strength to do any better and my efforts have proven depraved, the Corvus and vermin find me of no reproach- though comfortless wounds- know me better than most

Should God soon ever let me off of this earth, I’ll become the wind and fly far from this perch, of a life that became a nightmare, a hopeless situation as my darkest night draws near, and should my fears be sent a moment’s reprieve, I’ll disappear from here, to be never again seen.