6.19 free write

I can’t seem to get the words out this way, or any these days, everyday is the same and I’m awful to complain

Because we’re all running fast as we can to stay in the places we began, always waiting, fabricating, for the next thing that never takes place

It doesn’t mean anything to me, I’d throw it all away for just one day of meaning, I’d trade every last breath just for something before death

There’s nowhere to go, there’s nothing I know that can ease the pain inside, after it all there’s only a fall and what’s getting harder to hide

So we grow up and we grow on, like we’re supposed to pretend nothing’s wrong, the gnawing reminder this isn’t where you belong, and with no way of finding the thought to hold on

Everything fought now rules my whole world, who would’ve thought I’d become that girl, the older I get the less I give a shit, with please and thank you’s and trying to explain it

I can’t say how I feel or I’ll come all unglued, there is no way to heal, only to exclude

Myself, immoderate, I keep asking God the same questions, there’s a whole lot of it, but no closer to suggestion

There are no answers, only air, along with all the rumors of some most divine care

That’s perhaps relative, that doesn’t have any morale to give, useless, and veiled, stupid fucking tales

Go and look for yourself, you’ll find evidence but a different kind of help, no answers, no succession, only expectation of contentment in regression

Some made to crush, others to lift up, you and I are dust, and then back to it become

So it indeed best to eat, drink, and make bed for today, if you can feign such a way to satisfy your heart, or forever painted dark, as it feels is the precedent

So in the rare event that one creates their circumstance, if you fly too high, you’ll melt your wings and die, should one place their confidence in anything beneath the sky

Turn to the left, turn to the right, stray a single step, your plans falter, wither, too die, as we are ever being searched by a never ending purpose

Go on and tell me, go on and lie, say again how it works out with time, no it is what you take, should you be permitted what is vain, to some but not to everyone

Time is deceptive but ever stuck in my head, it doesn’t go how we think it does yet still leaves evidence, I’ll never have enough of it to get what I desire, but in the same too much remains before I expire

Silence becomes the best policy, with all unsaid and done, it’s easy to see, that I don’t want to disappoint, I’m much better at being annoying

Beating my head against a wall, knowing well along it was all my fault, but neither was there a way to prevent it at all.

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6.11 free write

I feel like You lied, what You said to her that day, when You said it’d be okay and to put the pills away

Was it only in Your perspective, from out there, not mortal, not subjective

There’s no anesthetic, no drug to make it go away, sleep will never find me, or cover to numb the pain

Stabbing through my skull with every thing I’m told, and see, and notice around me

Another one dies, another kid cries, another guy with cancer, and the widows left beside

I thought You’d make a way for those who sought Your face, but it was wrong what they taught me from so young an age

I do not understand Your ways, you save, you kill, you lift up and slay

My bones are broken as everyone else, crying out for their eternal rest, the kind that is denied to them

You are all I have, and it should be enough, but in my complaint I can’t be still, I’ve always got to run

To strive and earn a love I’ll never feel anyways, because inside I’m twisted up and turned in all of the wrong ways

Are my thoughts evil that their torment should persist, so why then do You tarry like You do not understand it

All my days are numbered, though they were not written down, I wish I could’ve seen ahead, to shorten what I know now

I feel like they lie when they say one day it’ll be okay, when at the end of it it would be better to have seen decay

A child’s days are long but so short in time to pass, and afterwards they’re not, for simplicity can never last

Were mine complicit that You should have called me into them in the first place, when before the World You knew my desire, before they’d seen my face

One that has perished along with all lost, a lifetime so ago, and I’ve counted the cost

Let me go, far away, away from sight and knowledge and all that stays in this place, let me fall so far away that I do not recall my name

Expiry, expiry is all that the hopes have left, a time that’s gone too far past, so just save the breath

There’s no anesthetic, can’t you see how pathetic I feel when I can’t reconcile with what’s real

I didn’t know this much pain existed, or that it could persist, because You always rescued me from all the stupid things I did

So where are You this time now that my entire life is on the line?

I guessed where all the dead mourners go.

6.5

Every dream seems abandoned, wasting time just chasing what can’t

and here I am with my face always covered, trying to mask the fact that I’m ever sinking under

Looking for what’s never coming back around, try to make the best of the shards left now

Broken pieces of a person low on courage these days, ignoring all the screaming and moving for some change

I want to scream aloud forever and wash it all off my skin, but no matter how much I can never really even begin

Every day the pieces get farther apart, deconstructing what’s left of a tortured heart, and who could ever pull them back together for any new start

Does hope expire, because the road grows more tired, and one gets fewer and fewer everyday, to rise all over again and hate it the same way

Would that the sky would fall behind me and give me back some of the time, but see from the beginning it was already mine

Very little is as it appears, neither are we or time, all we have are the ideas we surmise from the outside

How much dark and how much light and where between lie you and I

Breathe in, breathe out, all I can, what do you do now

I don’t like anyone, there’s nothing new to say, pretend to feel something, carry on in the charades

All polite and don’t ask why, because that is when you feel sad inside

Dear Sky, I’m sorry that I wasted my life and to the winds that held me near, sorry that I couldn’t get out of here

To weak to leave, too sick to stay, I keep it all within me and it starts to decay

Stand up underneath the weight, hold your head up high, don’t cry, it’s never going away

Freedom is just a memory of moments for those of such temperament, maybe God does make mistakes and I was never meant for them

It took a long long time to get here myself, now I can’t see any steps to lead me out to somewhere else

What’s really at the end of the only solution, like it was written for no absolution, but I only blame myself

All the stories you don’t hear are for the same reasons as all the things unknown, for that they are never shown

The date of expiration was clearly misread, for what wasn’t supposed to be here, trying so hard to be dead

I can’t seem to lift my head to ask for help, can’t raise my hands to reach for something else

for what’s always wasted, don’t think that I can’t take it, the truth is in my mind too, it just wasn’t enough after I was done doing

Everything I didn’t want to, though I’d rather die than stand here, it seems that I was brought to,

here to face my nightmares over and over and over again with no reason nor means for it to ever end, but I blame myself, no one else

But I do ask this: When I finally end, how do you explain God’s omniscience; they say He has a purpose, well prove it, I can give you enough to show that it’s worthless

But maybe that’s what hope is, better to die and be wrong than to despair and be right all along

But how do you fool yourself?

Fuck your lies about happy endings, open your fucking eyes and see all that there was no mending

But call it a purpose, single out what works for it

Or maybe I’m the only one in the world who doesn’t understand, for I wouldn’t be surprised if I was the only one who can’t.

6.2

Everyone says that deep down you’ll just know, when asking oneself now where do I go

I really have no fucking clue of who I have become or what I’m supposed to do

And the sky is always shrouded by what doesn’t seem belongs, I feel like we’re all drowning and it’s just taking far too long

I’ve got to get the fuck out of here but there doesn’t seem a way, I can’t stand to stay stuck here just watching everybody age

But I’m too hard to handle, and too weak to stand on my own, like a scared fucking child inside, that’s never really grown

In the same no one was meant to grow old fast as I have, but there’s nothing in reach to hold or worth making last

My spirit has dried up along with this dead Valley, full of all the bones of a life that’s passing is tallied

I would go to a river and lay myself down for ever, but there’s nowhere to go or of such a place I’ve never

There’s nothing to seek, only misery with each greeting, each morning a curse with the day’s weight of its equal meeting

And the wages paid are only the pain that they bring, with no hope or power to change anything, how did I get here, calculated steps left with only room for emptiness

My skin is a memory of the years long gone before, my mind a faded image of that which is no more, as scars multiply and testify of all the tries

My visage has grown of wear, soddened by the waters of too much or little care; if I can paint my face up to be just the right way, would you love me, will you answer when I pray

There’s nothing left that’s good in me, only tired hands and heart hardly beating, as there is no rest from the nothingness that bears its names evermore, especially when it’s cognizance renders it ever harder to ignore

Never refilling, never recharged or rid of it, always withdrawn for a withstanding debt

And these questions always wear the mind away, truth and accusation, if they knew, who would stay

Everyone says that somehow you’ll just know, that your heart will tell you where you should go

but I’d rather lay myself down in the river, never to rise again, because with no gravity or center, life doesn’t make a difference.

5.25 free write

It scares the life out of me, not being prepared for what the time will bring

Or that I couldn’t push back my nightmare, that I had to die just to survive the fear

I have to know that I am my own, and not another, undefined by the pattern of a father or a mother

But inside I’m afraid that I just won’t have what it takes, having failed most everything’s that’s ever come my way

I don’t even want to exist, so long done with this, so simply tell me what to do, so that I don’t have to

What’s expected, just on to the next suggestion, life’s a list of things you don’t want to in succession

So I’ll sacrifice my dreams, all I needed to breathe, because they’re already dead to me

So tell me, just tell me what You want me to do and what do you expect me to

So I guess I’ll build the garden, nothing expected and nothing departed

Of every brightest color, just like life is no longer, and when time arrives I’ll see if there’s anything to dreams

My mind has gone away from me, far beyond the depth of reach, and I’m learning what it is to be so suspended in between

Uninvested and unrested, carrying pieces of what will never be resurrected

Carry there what may, I can bear the shame, out of my hands, the land pulls it all away

Scarlet petals turn to grey and peals pierce the hours with a silent dismay, the dirt bears word of hurt and buries all the days

Do we ever truly change

So I will build a garden, nothing to gain and nothing departed

Of Bleeding Hearts and crimson spire roses, like how from the start desire is made to be broken

I am not the girl who first came along here, hardened by the world, stronger but held by the fear

And turns out there was reason, just how I never could’ve seen it, for it was just too hard to digest, how a heart torn apart would be so divested

It’s easier to live in a lie, but there’s nothing left to give or create this time, so I will build a garden and finally allow myself to cry

Should ever by any this garden be found, Paint Me Red and carry me to where I cannot go now,

for I see in the end it is all that there is left to know.

5.24

Why struggle now with this so much, fear of today tomorrow and every other one

Never seeming to accept that I’m not getting out of what’s inevitably at hand, I keep on running in these circles hoping I can find a better plan

Deluding myself, clinging to what’s gone, lying so sweet to convince myself just to carry on

I want to be rid of this hurt and powerlessness, but no matter how much I give, it’s similar in how it ends

Because there is no such thing as meant to be and there are no means for achieving these things

When a serpent wants to fly, a dove put off its wings, but when the wolf lays himself down to die, does God look into these things

No, there is a certain way it seems that it’s supposed to go, try as you may to create the means, but it inevitably starts to show

Now nothing is beyond the power of God, the only limitation is if He will or not

He brings kings to nothing, clips wings of those running, and who can ask Him why, even though I tried

Couldn’t reach high enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t just, just wasn’t enough to get there I guess.

But do you know what I saw, do you know how much love I’ve got, but never enough to undo what has come

I have seen the unexplainable in this desert place, supernatural signs untold, though it doesn’t seem to change the fates

What is will what is free what’s been killed may never be, again, what are the other options, breathe it in but not what you thought it

I would only be the worst part of you, not really me but what I’ve had to

Many think they understand the situation, offering cliche wisdom and impatience, while lacking the facets as though I had asked them

And they’re right though, I didn’t explain and won’t as I’ve chosen to remain alone

Have the pieces been put together yet, can you understand what I meant or is it not so evident

I could say it all in a million one ways, and I do, I wonder just fucking who could have so damn much protest in their chest but luckily there’s only a few years left

Time runs up and then runs right out, push comes to shove will it make sense then or now, so they say, that one day it’ll be okay

Guess we’ll never know.

5.23 free write

No sleep will find my eyes tonight, but keeps reminding me of a dreaded sunrise

I guess I ought to keep my promises and pretend that requests can take some kind of audience

For someone somewhere who actually cares about the things that go on in this world

The persons abandoned devastated left empty handed with naught but obligations unfulfilled

Now that my friend and I too are dying I guess there’s some supposed use in trying to make a petition untold

Are we supposed to pray for peace when seems nobody is at ease and I for one have lost all faith for saving our worlds

Everybody says keep waiting, that God works in mysterious ways see, but to me it’s inconsequential

When it’s worth it to them, while I reserve my reasons, and the only help from above both slays and raises us up for another season

What consequence to He are our small fucking feelings, when taken is all that we love, what peace to be had is there in that, when mortality’s below not above

Don’t ask me what I think of these things, for of them I have seen quite enough, we each have our time to rise up and fly, but more quickly than that time is up

And this pain that’s sustained is all that remains and reminders of what no longer exists, made to sit at that window of retrospect and think about all that we did

As is the tale of the young to the old, a blade’s width is all that separates them, oftentimes taking a premature hold, peace nor hope to be had ever again

God will you provide for the widow, do You consider those miserable, who’s houses hold not a dry eye, from the hands of these women though come tasks unequivocal and they’re far more deserving than I

Why give ear to our plea if only You knew what we needed, if only You hear our truest veiled cries, if You care about all the hurting, why prepare us to carry more burdens that each morning it’s harder to rise

But I guess that’s what You also had to do. I’m sorry for complaining but I didn’t want to stay just to watch everyone else be sad too.

Is it almost over yet, can’t I just go home at the end, oh wait that isn’t a place, can we fast forward, get past being bored with the same shattered dreams irreplaced

Like it’s all in our heads just so we can lose it, all our hopes and deluded desires, never really to fruition, only multiplying in confusion as to why it never lives up to inside us

You know exactly who they are and my apathetic disregard for purposes unbeknownst to me, I get that You’re going exactly where You will but does the rest of this life have to be

So fucking tired but rest is only for the dead, at the end of a useless time all we want’s somewhere to rest our head

In peace.