4.17 Free Write

Everybody’s okay

I don’t know if we just drank the kool aid

Or if they found other ways

These words are made of paper mache 
I thought this was supposed to be fun

But I don’t want to invite anyone

Round and round, up then down

In a lesser hell

I don’t wanna live my life 

on a carousel 

The one that we all know so well…
Everybody’s okay

At a certain age of expiry

Are you supposed to just hide in it your bones?

One thing used to mean something

Now nothing is anything

And the ending is everything
But everybody’s okay

How are you, I’m fine today

So let’s pass the time and waste

some

So dizzyingly numb
I thought this was supposed to work some day

But before any flame, it all goes away

Round and round, up a little then down

In a lesser hell

I guess we’re passing life

On a carousel.

Indefinitely

You know, I would have stayed

Definitely

I wouldn’t have left you alone

Unless you had asked me to go

Even then, I would likely try and pretend

That It didn’t hurt me as much as it did
I know the signals are always mixed

In the midst of difficult circumstances

But when it comes to how much you matter to me

I said what I meant, not just what was convenient

But I’m also imperfect and will never have an apology that’s flawless

For all of the times I’ll surely say something thoughtless

I wish that I could read your mind so that I could make it better

and be what you needed right then

But I can’t if you are unwilling to help me understand

I know not everything I say is easy to hear

And I have my many faults that I’ll own for sure

But not a word I wrote was ever meant to hurt

I’m always willing to apologize a thousand times, and try my best to change

but can’t if you don’t tell me what I did to cause you pain

I’ll always believe in working out conflicts and misunderstandings

But you just leave again, without saying anything

And I’m left just to wonder a hundred other things

If we are both stones- stubborn and unknown, each again on our own-

You must be a  Playa Desert stone

For I’ve never seen one quite so apt to get up and go

Though I know I can be too

So I may get that part of you

Or perhaps I’m just too young to apprehend the truth

I want to understand you, but could you me too?

I may have A Lesser Darkness dwelling within

Like most of us; but mine is less hidden

We all have our light and our dark

but I had hoped that you could see my heart

And know that light always shines through

I said I love you

And that never changes or goes away

Even in the midst of the highs and lows we all face

Just as the ocean always remains

It is calm and steady, but rages in the same

For the rivers and tides ever ebb and flow

but always return to where they were meant to go

I don’t want to dog you too much

But I thought you would be as close and for as long

As I would Indefinitely be able to carry on

Or be somewhere near

All whether it’s never- six months, or a year

I won’t take or place the blame on anyone

I often feel foolish, feeling like the only one

Who in some subtle way is always holding on

I forget a lot of facts, but never can a face

I’m always looking back on those who just won’t stay

So I’m writing again for you

It’s the last thing I can do

I don’t why you affect me like you do

Surely you must know how deeply this hurts me too

Of course I’ll still be here waiting for you

And for impermanence

Because everything worth it is always

Indefinite.

4.9 


The only constant is change

or at least it’s what they say

And I repeat it

To encourage you today

Though perhaps it’s just a lie

Of well-intentioned phrase

I don’t know if I believe today

in optimistic words I say

I think that once expired

Life goes in preset phase

Once Monochrome 

or of the most brilliant of colors now unknown

But now every hour It’s ever a challenge

not to look back and miss

The long lost days of ignorant innocent bliss

Because the good old days have passed away

No more black,white, or colors

Only different types of grey

The youth has faded from our faces

But when I close my eyes I still see you the same

But look in mine and see that I’m

Sorry for the parts that I let die

When you managed to hold on to something worthwhile

And I can’t believe how easily

I fall, when I do

To let words destroy me

When they were meant to encourage me too

I’m amazed at the power of a word carelessly spoken

How much I let it hurt when it’s the subject that’s so loaded

I’d think I’d have grown and matured enough that when those words are spoken

I’d be strong enough to not let the reminders tear nagging wounds reopened

But It took years to show my face in public again

“Everything changes,”I replied with confidence

To comments misplaced in faultless ignorance

But really it wasn’t me that’s changed

Much as as the circumstance has

They’re different now

I used up my power in how it worked out

But I’ve never fought like I do now

How can I put the past to rest

When it’s always brought up

from the dead again

But believe me, never for a second do I forget

I never could, not even for a moment

But it won’t be spoken of again

Not by me at least

Because appearances don’t mean anything

And there’s nothing left to change

Life has its price of death to pay

these lessons will at last have their way

In me.

The Losing Faith

How did you expect I would reply?
Did you think I’d happily, docilely comply? 

What did you expect me to do

When you already perfectly knew?
Because you know me completely
How my skin crawls at night

The one and only who sees me

all of the time

In between those dead days and black nights now

Do you hold it against me 

But tell me it’ll work out?
You know it will never- I will never change, 

But you still hunt me to look inside my frame

Sifting my one deepest fault through

That I always tried to hide from you

Because being human was no excuse
What did you expect me to do?

For even my very tongue is split in two

I couldn’t achieve 

being quite so masochistic

Thanks but what is forgiveness

If it’ll never fix it?

What is “good” anyway

But just another terror that is evaded?
All this rumor of air

Doesn’t fill my lungs

All this talk of care

Doesn’t kill my hunger
There’s no settling this and you know it as well as I 

I don’t trust you, it’s no secret

But against you, I can’t fight

You win every time- 

a thousand to one

It was a day of silence when you said I was done

And now there’s nothing you permit me but to think upon what I’ve become
You always break me open slow

bone by single bone

You broke me down again

Because I was human
You sent all the warnings

That it was time to lament the end

You sent me doves for mourning

But what good is it to me 

When morning again ascends?
For even the cruelest bird of prey 

Eventually returns to its mate

But seasons don’t change

For a solitary heart in chains 

Not in innocence, but pain

You know my ways alone

Cursed and carved in stone
So just have your way

As if there were anything else that I could say

But if you expect me to be able to go along

Hopeful and holding onto a happy song

I’m so very sorry that I’ll do it all wrong

And feel like the most tired, hungry, unruly of the dogs

Because that’s all that I feel I am now 

After so long.

3. 22 Free Write

Little girl with the weight and Darkness of this world whole

You don’t fool me, for I too 

Know so well

Who can hold this for a moment aware?

Only a moment I wish I could share

And everyone’s trying to give away pain

As though it were not theirs to bear

That’s not what I’m asking for

Because I’m not a child anymore

Little boy with the weight and Darkness of this world whole

I don’t fool you do I? For surely you too know

Who can hold this for just a moment, aware?

It’s only a moment you wish you could share

And everyone’s trying to get something

But I don’t blame them for it

I can handle

I am aware

That it’s only for a moment we wish we could share. 

****

I shouldn’t be sleeping because they are too

I shouldn’t be escaping because they try too

think we can get away

But we live inside with them 

Inundated with voices that start to sound like our own

I can’t tell the difference
But I raise my cry to God on High above me

Against the vile acts that I hear the whispers promise 

Mankind has not Seen. 

But I think he mistook me for one of them

Maybe I was all along

Because my words are garbled and my voice fading away 

My body trembles and disintegrates

To just a single cord of red

And I am alone 

In the oppressive depths 

of hell again
A shrill cry pierces the sweltering darkness 

with a single red light in the distrance

Reach for it but it will never save you

There’s nothing else because god doesn’t hear you

The heat is too heavy

The burden on your chest

The weight about my neck

It never goes away 

Not for a second

But Take for it again

Does your god sympathize with you now?
I should be trying because they do too

It’s like they know

That their time is growing thin

They can’t tear it away

We can’t escape this time
I raise my cry to God on High above me

Against the vile acts that I hear the whispers promise 

Mankind has not Heard. 

But I think he mistook me for one of them

Maybe I was all along

Because my words are distorted and my voice fades 

My body trembles and disintegrates away

To just a single cord of red

And then we are alone

But each to our own death
You should know of all people 

That this is a war 

With a leaden price to pay for your soul

Have you forgotten how to wage

When you were denied control

But the controls are now all too dulled

It never goes away

Once I lost my hold

Amidst it’s torments
I raised my cry to God on High above again

But I think He’s condemned me

As one of them. 

You think you’ve tasted torment and sorrow-

But Mankind has not Known. 

Not yet.  

It’s burning my skin
I try to cover my eyes again. 

3. 16 free write- A Thousand Apologies

I’m staring at this blank screen, out of habit, feeling a surprising  amount of guilt about no longer desiring to say another word. But the repetitious words seem to then only rot and make me feel even more sick in the very marrow of my porous bones. I feel that everything has already been said- at least in a type of symbolic semblance- and I’m left unreasonably ashamed with my ability to find what is maddeningly begging to be said, without evoking violent condemnation from myself and projectedly everyone else.
Like this white screen, I recognize that in some ways a blank slate is given to each of us everyday; that life could potentially become something of meaning or feeling if I could only learn to abandon cognizance of my chaotic thoughts and emotions to somewhere else far away. I know that they’re correct in the suggested notion of acceptance and/or detachment in order to move on- but from my vantage, only in the sense of being helpfully applicable advice on sterile paper. I really don’t know how people do it. Yet It honestly disgusts me in my seeming inability to make the advice that has supposedly helped so many others, help me too. Either I’m doing it wrong or it’s just a bunch of bullshit that goes right along with the hope were supposed to cling to in order to stay emotionally afloat another day while waiting for its endless lack of fruition; so the natural progression is then reportedly to change the definition of hope to settling in order to make the disappointment more palatable and explainable. I ask them and they tell me it truly helps, but only makes me feel even more apathetic and farther away from the truth that I know I need to reconcile before I can take a single step anywhere but backwards.

I always wonder if the gnawing never goes away for them either, and they’re just lying because the inescapable truth is intolerable. It’s hard not to look at when it’s so continually tireless in its all-consuming presence. Maybe I’m just stubborn as fuck or I’m a small person who can’t properly digest the burdens that I hate the most. God knows I’m terrified of the people who can see that within me. But if questioned, would have to confess it all with no defense.

But ultimately at this point, if I were to summarize everything I could ever have to say, every silent prayer, or all that I now feel, it would be with the simple words:

I’m sorry.

I truly am, with a thousand apologies and no one is more disappointed than I am every time.
I’m sorry that 1+1 keeps adding up to zero.

I’m sorry that nothing is simple anymore and the things that could be, were too late.

I’m sorry that I didn’t want their company                                              Or that the things that are so easy and instinctual to most everyone seem insurmountable to me nearly every time.

I’m sorry that my actions say one thing and my heart another.

I’m sorry that they believed it.

I’m sorry that I can only acknowledge but not know your pain, I wanted to.                                   I know how it feels, But only see when I’m too busy with my own.

I’m sorry for the times I was selfish; it wasn’t for desire, it was fear.

I’m sorry for destroying my life and myself, but still believing it was written in stone, and the only way. Or that it still is.

I could write a thousand apologies after more than a decade of decomposition, but know that they all offer still no change.

I’m losing my voice and have long lost my will, but I would never warn anyone about the ending because I don’t need saving. I think all I need, want, and am not sorry for is the one last thing I’ll do to try and feel better – or at least differently- for even just a moment.

3.8 Free Write

You say that you’ve gone

But I know that you’re not

Sometimes I can tell

Because luckily you don’t hide it very well

honestly I do prefer the latter

Though I’m not sure if that even matters
Tell me what you want

I hope you would know

That I haven’t forgotten

I think you well know

we both still check in 

Often just to say hello
Are you wary to let anyone in

In any way?

It’s a decision that we all have to make

So I do understand because my mind functions the same way

Though I’m not so confident what it is you would have me say

But It’s not my place
I’m just waiting

It’s your choice to make
I still wonder and care

Even sometimes too still there

It was said once

That you can’t always run 

from everyone

And I would Know well 

Because I do that myself
Sometimes I’m arrogant enough to believe

That I know some of what you’re thinking

And perhaps that’s exactly why

I’ll go as far as to say

That I need you in one or another way

Whether it’s reality or idealization

I’m not sure which is more relevant anymore
I’m probably not what you think I am either
Maybe I’m crazy

Or perhaps I’m not

I’m always open to quite any option

But what I’m trying to convey

Is that I have not forgotten.