March 13th 2020

In visions of the night the same flooding feeling came
In which shifting shadows had grown over every trace of the room’s frame
Twisting vines decorated with scarlet roses and thorn, now adorning the floor and encircling the doors
Begging the question of what would I do
beckoning what if deep down I intrinsically knew
That the time would run short, ultimately what would I say
In the midst of these subconscious thoughts we can neither turn on nor shut off
And instantly felt and I conclude, wishing I’d had the gall to tell you the truth
Of the way I truly saw them and myself, the secrets I kept back with no one else to tell, in the hollow space at the pit of my stomach- but really my heart
Sunken so very far down when you ceased coming around, like a stone in the ocean that descends without confessing a sound
Or the way my skin used to stand still upon end like the chills that you get when you see the lines we laid bend,
Beneath the hunger for what you fear simply will no longer exist, or more frightfully is if it never did
In an insatiable drought, knowing to have to always go without and tirelessly wonder, was it only a synchronized illusion of an idyllic home that’s gone now
Yet preserved in an ancient language of our imagination’s wordplays,
A conspiracy of purposeful moves aligned each to make you feel and see in a new light
Feel a soul, not just a face or another muddled name, But what we all used to dream to be in some way ours to claim
Never quite celebrated nor advertised, but I savored the highs and bit the bullet riding to the bottom of demise
With all of the pills and the time killed in shame and regret, and the words I still feel were always left unsaid
And I never stopped wondering why. Not for a moment.
A laundry list of vague useless diagnoses that in the present time have no meaning, but a liar was never one of them
No, I hated so very much with most all of my heart, but when I loved, I loved with every last part, left of it- an irrational and senseless faith, a beautiful chaos of passion pain love and rage, in a world that
No ordinary path could ever create
But now I’m standing up on the edge of the ledge that in my life I long saw coming but have never seen past, with all that was and all that I couldn’t make last
Trying all of these faces, observing, and adopting all the charades and civil obligations
I never was strong enough to make it out there, I never was weak enough to take a lover, I never did so very much you would think one to do, I never did properly tell the people I needed, or if it ever was that I loved you
Now this house is just empty with nothing left, only bittersweetest memories to try and forget, Our hearts feel only empty though they’re filling up with names, The hardest part is being incomplete, fearing it’s never going to change
This house is still haunting me though I’ve long since had to move on, a body found in a different space but a heart lost with The rising of this dawn
Some things I know, I’ve never really been adept at letting go, and if I do I really don’t
Is there always going to be that hole in your chest, knowing I’ll only be able to fill it with hope and regrets, And do we really feel edified by the lessons they sell, when they make us who we are, or even more bent on hell
This house is so empty, is there nothing left, But all these make believe memories I’m trying to just forget, tonight my heart feels empty, though it’s filling up with names
And the ticking time bomb was only me,
I suppose that’s never going to change.

March 3rd 2020

So afraid, just a half step away from being lost in this eternity

I try to look away, but what’s done can never be unseen

As we fight this rising tide trying just to buy more time, But the reasons have fallen through

Is there nothing left here to do

For all the places our souls have been, with no language known to let someone in

All the traces remain ever embedded in our skin

A constant reminder with no way to heal or craft redemption for our sins

I would give anything to feel one thing as real as all the pain left inside we simply learn to conceal

Do I have what it takes to push through to my fate, when I never realized until today I’ve lived my whole life inside imagination

Now it’s time to bridge the distance that’s kept me in between

Though it’s never felt so different as when hope finally grew it’s wings

And flew before me in the time

Now anger fills the colors of every part that we have lost, and we throw the ending away when the start we have forgotten

They say when you stop caring that you’ll finally be free, but now that we are there, I vehemently disagree

Years flash by in a moment and it’s never slowing down, so take a breath and exhale slow, because it’s all we’re getting now

Because of all the places our souls have been, with no language known to let them in, all the traces remain in our skin, with no one to heal and make us feel forgiven for our sins

And there are still so many things that are ever calling out, a still smallest whisper that never makes a sound

And I found myself in a darkness of a more crushing regret than words can say

And the answers I found were far more than I could take

Wondering do we all have to go insane to find our way

Can I ever forget what’s been cut from my flesh

As I’ve tasted heaven and been marred by hell too

But all I ever can think to say to You

Is hold on to her until I get back

Until I can carve a way back through the scar tissue and hard facts

Of all the lessons I’d die to efface from my skin

And God I hope I have the strength to do this

For all the places our souls have been.

8.26.2020 free write

I know the longer I go without talking to You, the less I can express

To anyone I know or in anything I do, always ending up stuck in my head

Thinking I’m lonely, like nobody knows me, but never seeming to connect,

I can say all these words and try to believe that they’re heard, but they still always feel second best

Like they’re simply not saying what I would need to say, as if there was another way I could explain

but there’s not, they’re all we’ve got, and today I hate these words

And if I were to say I feel so out of place, that my universe is falling apart,

it’s like they jump on board, saying it’s what they’ve been waiting for, and I’m ending even more torn apart

When I just want something that feels right, not another damn question that keeps me up at night

when I just want to feel alive, even if it’s a lie, because the truth cuts deeper than the knife

I know the longer I go without speaking to You the more that I let myself go and forget who I was made to be

and when comes time to try and put it back together, I don’t even know what for

Tell me what is better?

When fighting to cure the hurting, but the drugs they stopped working

I don’t know who I am, or for what I should give a damn

Everything feels so foreign, though I know life is change, I never cared for it, as though I think I can stay

Somewhere I can recognize, I don’t like the look I’ve seen growing in my eyes

Smashing in another mirror, can’t help but wonder what the hell am I doing here

It Feels like I’ve lost my voice, but I don’t really want to have to make any more choices

I no longer know what I believe, it’s getting harder to hold onto my dreams, or to know if they were ever real,

A mystery what it is that I should even feel, I just don’t want them to catch on to the fact that this has all become an act,

and I’m even more lost than you.

12.22 free write

I’d kept hoping and enduring that one day it could get better again, That after so long a journey and fighting my way back to repay for the debtor I’ve been

That things could improve by the increments of what I thought was once faith, Until the fire would prove that my confidence and resolve was just a fake

So sure I would make my own way

Thought I saw that light for a minute but then it disappeared, And no matter what I do I can’t seem to rekindle or come back from this awful year

I guess they were right all along, you can’t always know what you have until it’s all gone

but now I know too much and have been barely getting up, been down in every gutter and now I’m out for blood

I miss the way my heart used to secretly dream of love, and the way it used to see things before I finally gave up

Singing out in silent tongues uttered

without a single word spoken to account for

Has my spirit lost its wings to compose those melodies no more

The fire and fight I’d had in my heart for nearly all my life

Even if only whispered inside in the middle of the darkest nights

Seems to have been extinguished and gone missing and I’m terrified the dying sparks won’t linger long enough to ever reignite

Tell me what could possibly redeem the ashes that litter the ground and are scattered into the winds

I’d give anything if my soul could only make a sound But it doesn’t seem to matter what I do or rescind

And If I had merely one last breath of a feeling voice that was familiar to me, I would empty out my chest screaming just to fill the void and feel any reprieve

I’d use that last breath just to call out for You one last time

You always rescued me back when I was still unbroken and innocent inside,

Before we had to witness so many deaths inside, dragged down to the depths and with the turning of the tide

Seemed You always knew precisely what to say to make it alright

And only You knew how to reach me in those times

Thinking back on the countless feelings of being misunderstood

How You’d always pull me back from disasters brink when no one else could,

my reckless steps under Your guard, perpetually wandering and far, but my inevitable return the persistent inclination of my heart

If there were a way I could write it all down never to be effaced, All the tormenting thoughts, fears, and memories that are flooding through my veins today

I would write a thousand sonnets so there might be one solitary thing that wouldn’t change

But if I’m being honest, I’ve been on a bender, angry and ashamed

Things have been spiraling downward fast

And God knows there isn’t much longer I can Last

I just wanted to feel alive until the day I passed but something inside is different and I can’t seem to take it back

Nothing is alright and I can’t bear another day or night of feeling this terror inside

My feet are locked on the path to self destruction and I no longer care to deny

I’ve been on my way down, just wandering tearing up the town

Night after night ready to hit another wall

A collision in the headlights and about to lose it all

I just need to know You’re here and going to catch me when I fall

I’ve been steep and steady in regressing

and I backslid so far, skirting the edges of steeples and walking around with half a heart

One of the countless numb who wants to feel something but can’t find, longing for more than a mirage of refuge in a land thirsty and dry

More than always looking back on monuments of better times and trying to remember feelings that have faded in the mind

That we don’t feel anymore

Back when dreams and imagination were free and not behind a steel door

you know I want so much to believe in something, Just one thing that could be special to me

And everyone says keep faith and keep running but the further I search the more alone I feel

Lately I don’t even know what I’m hoping for, all while questioning what was real

Is hope really now less hopeful and I was just believing lies, because even in the dark’s hold You would lead me in the night

With signs and secrets tokens just to keep the flame alive, in a language only we spoke in, telling me to keep the fight

Whispering there’s still something more to be discovered before the day you die

How can the universe be so exorbitant and the mind of God so unsearchable

But I so quickly grew bored with the world, looking for any way I can create some kind of story or procure control

In a life that wars to break us down and erode our souls

To lower our hopes and expectations to settle for whatever we can scrape together and call it it is what it is

call it meaningful even though there’s

always that one thing in the back of my skull saying

Remember the days when you still believed that there was wonder left in the world, something left to be uncovered, something to watch unfold that wasn’t so vague, ubiquitous, and impersonal

I hate the way You try to sing but I don’t dance to anything

Defensive while defenseless and I built them up high

The walls that were torn down trying to fill in with a different life

After everything we’ve been through it’s getting harder than ever not blame You

Suddenly distrusting and I withdraw my hands, after everything I guess I just don’t understand

Where in the cosmos my heart belongs

Will I ever feel free again

Or have I gone too wrong

What’s the use of profound emotion if all we get to do is watch them fade away

Try to hold onto the memories maybe to revisit them in later days, but then it’s only asking for pain

Tell me it isn’t true that children have it all figured out and as the years get to you we fabricate because we’re bored and can’t find a way out

After all those dreams from before are being replaced by disappointment and doubt

God is there anything to hope for in this life at all, or do we only have imaginations for them to betray and watch us fall

I spent so long trying to protect my heart to hang onto who I felt I was meant to be

Working for who I thought You made me to be

I was so close and we came so far, Just to lose my grip and watch everything I know seem to fall apart

watch it all crumble and slip right through my hands

Will it ever be put back together, will anything makes sense in the end

Or do we endure this continually greying weather only in vain pretense

Endlessly hoping for something that never shows, and never able to find the words to bridge the gap between me and all those

Around probably also feeling lonely even when they are surrounded

being told they’re not the only but the questions keep on pounding

Are they thinking the same thoughts, words falling short of what we conceal

I don’t know what else to say God, beside what I probably should

Please remind me I’m alive, help me remember how to feel

Something

Good.

12.19

My mind was haunted by thoughts of you
For the longest time
Distracted by a crow calling from the distance, flying over in blackest skies
You know I did still wander, gazing behind today’s horizon
And wonder where you found yourself, until I finally realized In quiet trepidation
That some truths are traced out only in the silent places
And now we’re both just lone wandering stars, fallen a universe apart
there’s no gravity left here, for nothing can hold my faith in place these days
Everything is so different , even the feeling of hope I believed could never erode- if you could just find it- seems to fade away
And everyone that mattered to me leaves, until accepting that fact finally shattered and changed me
As the hidden strength that had ever survived inside, that beckoned us to keep our heads up high and keep believing in the fight
Now has been hollowed out by the war waging against our souls, I’ve lost my grip and it swept me under and away with the oceans hold
Every memory and faith muffled beneath the deluge of time’s unrelenting waves
Transmutation conspiring to separate and break apart the ground beneath our feet
Until every love or acquaintance becomes yet another pair of strangers lost upon the crowd and out of reach
Who’ll believe in anything just to get by like we did then, only to discover no such thing like it will be found again
It’s so much more cold and cruel now living without hope for anything that won’t let you down
Only memories dance these days, and heavier with regret
Now in the endless exhausting search for a moment of tranquility I close my eyes and make believe to be somewhere far beyond this earth to an earlier place in time
before I saw what I know now
Back when we still knew how to believe, but I didn’t actually know anything
Yet
So again I walk alone the way it’s always been
But just as many mere mortal dreaming men
I would much rather be alone now than trying to convince myself not to feel lonely amidst the crowd
But there are no saviors and It’s so much more grey here
just denying our deepest fears that Left us hiding
Accepting that this is the truth of who we are that I’ve been denying
Always moving on, numbing and pretending to be stronger
and I am, but still live back inside where is no longer
The place I lost the remains of who I wanted to be
Fraying shreds of the heart that must carry on into eternity
Now everything is only alive in memory
Both a million miles away
And it’s where I seem to stay.

Free Write 12.17

All I behold are faces all around and eyes I can’t recognize, Terrified now to have found that the eyes staring back are mine
Hardened and sobered by the attrition of time and revelations I wish I could erase from my mind
So am I a revenant soul, standing alone in asking why- what is the purpose to which we must continually strive to grow until the very last moment of our lives
As if strength were some form of reward, when all it truly is is the means to get to the end of the story so we can rewind to better days
Strength can seem the capability to carry the weight of the world without letting on so
To what gain is the show of not being so devastated by the impact of the collapse of the hopes we had built up in our minds only to fall from higher heights
When all life gives you to hold onto is letting go
Where is the story, the synchronicity I used to see
Where is the revelation of the tapestry they’re always claiming our broken lives are sacrificed to compose
I am living despite what should have killed me, and I climbed to etheric heights beyond low expectations that have no fulfilling
Only to be forsaken by the skies and cast as Icarus back to the inescapable dirt of both life’s origin and demise, all to end up feeling farther behind
To which I ask to what end is fortitude gained or dogmatic self help advice liberally applied
that offers no real hope in this life
save for numbing yourself until you no longer even feel alive
And it’s exactly what I find
upset at the injustices you can’t control or heal
until you get upset at nothing at all, for according to most everyone you can ultimately control nothing
I set out on a journey to prove myself wrong, to find alleviation for what deep down I believed all along
I set out to chase dreams and open myself to the world that I found so plain and predictable
But found that there is no less emptiness far out there than near, amidst an ever present illusion of something missing here, but the only things that ever filled in recollection I begin to question if it wasn’t a lie as well
All that you’ve known balancing out of favor upon a precipice of harrowing ramifications
For the peace of my soul, for all that ever seemed to matter at all, now far less than I would have thought, I thought those hopes and dreams that continue to haunt had some measure of truth in them
But now again would have much put them down to simply illusion, memories that keep repeating, attempting to draw me in to believing that they really meant something
Reminding me of the undeniably growing fear every moment of breath, that I’ll never find what I saw in those dreams that I prayed never to forget
I just wanted to feel something real before I died
Now it seems revealed that I’ll forever be chasing after a ghost- the truth ever gaping with the time that goes
And the knowing necessitates a change of perspective, but never any closure and the change is only subjective
And I confess that it’s not enough for me anymore, I could not stay the same or return to the same as before
That point in time, now that everything is so much more real, faced with the reality that some wounds never truly heal
How did I miss the signs, I didn’t know they were for me, when did I lose track of that precarious moment my heart began to slip back
Into the hands of make believe, an unseen anomaly, a love that never alighted, an untamed burning fire, but I couldn’t smell the smoke
Was it real, was it only in my mind, ever pulling me away from the life I’ve denied to admit didn’t mean what I thought it did, Nothing makes me feel anymore, only unanswered questions and closing doors
Wish I could say that I had the kind of nobility to rebuild it all like then, that I knew where my heart was to dig it back up again
But motives speak now and then in their own languages- is there’s nothing at this journey’s end?
We are in the midst of these changing storms surrounding within, with no choice and no voice, only it’s not the storms that are shifting, its us.
But If you let go of everything and everyone, where do you go?
I’ve given up on life where there used to be a flame though
These words were adorned in red when we met, back when life still had some passion in it
but now glancing back in circles, I used to wonder where our hearts would land
Now it only hurts to know how the stories end
For there was a wolf that broke in and tore through my skin, stole all my hope and destroyed innocence, what is there left of what was, Nothing I can see but blood on its paws and my bleeding words in it’s jaws
As I fear we will never be the same again or never recognize any of the places that we’ve been, that you won’t remember my name or face within the silence that tries to take us all
Will I pull through and find something new to pursue and chase
Or is this the final fall from grace.

Free Write 12/10

Wish that I could find a way to say that I’m not afraid, skip formulating the lies, lay claim that I’m fine and okay
With all the change that seems to come my way now everyday
I can’t even breathe when my head feels more like a hurricane with every word they say
And the disguise is only exchanged for a different charade
Sober and awake with wide open eyes
But I can’t really say it doesn’t feel like my demise
Or that I don’t want to shut the world away again to keep it all outside,
Far removed and distant from the sight of my mind
find a place to hide and simply ride out the time
But that’s not the way we were meant to live life
Just playing the game, pretend that everything’s fine
Too long I’ve wasted just sitting on the sidelines
Waiting for a life that’s passing me by
But I feel exhausted, burned out, and all used up
Like nothing absolves the nagging feeling that it’s never enough
Compromising sanity of mind in striving to compensate for dropping every plate at the very same time
And I finally resigned to lie here and contemplate the silence
and I’m finding I was never designed to live inside this
Questioning myself now everyday how to best invest in the seconds that keep on slipping away
but how in do you expect me to ever Confidently decide
knowing that all to which I set off will be gone along with the tide
Do I lay hands to a task that will vanish into the sands
See it’s all vain pretense and I’ve had to abandon my only defense
Simultaneously in an agonizing state of defeat
Will there ever be restitution for all these mistakes I’ve had to reap
Is this the end or resolution
To admit I’m merely human
And I don’t really know what I’m doing
Confessedly I’ve been searching for a while for that missing person
Neglecting what’s right in front of these fake smiles, that it’s all written in these verses
Hidden right in plain sight and hitting on my off side
Didn’t want to face the light In perpetuating lies
That these new lines crossed on my palms are a constant reminder of the time that is gone
A disturbing souvenir of just how very precarious life is here
Another ultimatum how we always have to change to move and carry on
To Realize it’s just a moment we’re here and then we’re gone
Just another forgotten line in one of a million silent songs
I keep trying to grab and hold strong to scale the heights of this defeat in my mind
But maybe it’s time to see that I was wrong
Yet somehow can’t surmount the history I’ve left behind
Been looking at life through the rear view mirror
Vacillating between wanting to move forward or entirely disappear
but I’m still right here, and planned for the future but it fills me with fear
Tell me reality’s gonna come next for my name, Now that Ive already had to learn my lessons mostly the hardest way
Well they’re wrong but they’re right,
Because the more of the world to which I prescribe
My peace of mind getting harder to find
Acting As if they did me some kind of favor saying I couldn’t really stay there
In the castle I made
How do I learn to Savor everyday when I am a vapor made to evaporate
Now that I finally see what it’s like
Do I let go of these dreams or have I not yet truly seen the light
Thought I’d finally found the meaning for a moment of reprieve, And in the next I’m disbelieving and just wondering what it means
Thought I had what I wanted in the palm of my hand but I lost faith and I dropped it
And I just can’t understand
maybe I never learned my lesson at all, but I’ve had to count the cost
You never know just how far it is you have to fall until it’s yourself that you’ve lost
Fighting to Hold onto the memory of when some things still felt worthwhile safe or clean,
what it was like before we had to fake it with these weighted smiles
Back when I still felt like me
So God up in heaven, you know I’m sorry again, I guess I have come and gone full circle and it’s all just the same as it’s been, only in a different place with the same faulty headspace
Confident only that I’ve finally hit rock bottom
so won’t You come and show me, Jesus I need You to hold me
Show what to do, I need You to save my life again
Save me from myself and the hell I’ve been living in
I can never seem to let go, when I’m convinced I’m so sure of what I want, but I keep such a tight hold that I wreck it and watch it all come undone
I feel broken and tired, wrecked and burnt past the wire with no one to blame but me
I’ve been headed for a wall, don’t seem to know when or how to stop this, are you going to catch me when I fall
Or will everything shatter now that I’ve finally dropped it.

The Land of the Dead

Where do we go when the memories begin to fade and the feelings are being stolen from our heads
As I’m wandering here alone and afraid again in the land of the dead
After a thousand miles an hour, crashing to the ground
Fracturing every bone held together by semblance of countenance bound together by fragile threads
I fell from high above on pinions crafted from seasons of laboring tears blood and sweat
I tried to hide away the memories deep within amidst the death of me
And fostered the fortitude to attempt to fly out of the heart of this lesser darkness to finally move on in the search for something new
I did what I said I would, held onto my fight as long as I could, I searched out the magic in the places where they told me it had all but died
Where I once embraced the awe and unexplainable
Now I’m scared my spirit has been lost in a place inescapable

we once took upon the wings of the morning
We warred mightily for tomorrow and embraced the sweetest dreamings
And the best things I’d only scarcely glimpsed this side of a cruel existence
Where the strength of our convictions once compelled us to dance in the composition of symphonies
After having finally crafted my weapon to grace and defy faded grey skies and try to begin to believe again
I raised my hopes for the first time only to be cast down like Icarus from the sky
And Sisyphus himself must be laughing at my demise
Destined to a greying lifetime or will it be for eternity
to watch the paint chip from the rusting ships of our dreams
Pieces attrited away from the hope that I needed to keep trying each day
I’ve been lying here for months, watching the withered leaves fall from on the trees
Contemplating reasons and means to get up again, wondering what for
To walk, wander, and tread with heavy steps tormented by the haunting echos of the wings that are no more
All along I certainly would have crafted them again
But it’s not the same this time, in this wasteland I am alone with a heart that’s been dying
Wilting with the time that I just can’t accept is flying away
it feels like nothing is the same, as everything is destined to change, leaving me with only recollection’s embrace
And a foreign distant wind incessantly whispering “never again”

My throat is dry, my voice fading weak, I’ve lost track of Your voice that once was calling me
Beckoning me out, directing my steps and covering my transgressions
Neck deep in doubt, been in over my head,
Ears growing deaf, and I have too many questions
having run to the edge of the map and found only familiar sadness
only to be hurled back into a different black abyss
Where understanding is peeled back to reveal that I never understood what the words truly meant
The endless prose and songs characterizing the human lament
Caught by the pursuing fear that I fabricated every sign and naively ignored the final warning
Before these days befell that no more sings as the eve, does the morning
There is no utterance to express the pain of the no more’s that I knew not then were to ensue
To this place where no one is listening
And nothing can be mended new
Where the loudest of voices with which I could call in my plight
is short to reach the heights from which escapists and star- gazers plummet from flight
And there found my heart devastated into irreparable shards of glass
Cutting my hands in trying to grasp and piece them back together into something that can make sense

There’s nothing here that I can understand
and I feel like I failed in the end
Am I now too to be forsaken to this land where all living are grasped by the slipping sands
and eventually descend
into disremembrance’s working hands
Who is left to see and perceive
And who is left to compose a score
When no one seems to have reason to believe in anything anymore
In This barren wandering place my mind and spirit are shrouded by confusion and a reflecting fear
I can’t remember who I am or retrace the descent that left me here
One would suppose I had too wild an untamed imagination for such a planet as this
For I never did get to see the pieces fit
And it seems that I can no longer save myself
God I really need Your help
For only You know where to find
The hearts that have been hardened and hidden away with the time
Oh God, I never thought that it would begin to take mine
Continue to call out to me through the mud and mire climbing higher around me
Remind me who I am and reignite the fire, for only You know how to reach me
Amidst the cacophony of voices resounding
I’m so sorry I lost my grip and slipped further down than where I’d been back then
Conflicted and struggling to regain lost ground
Lost out here in the land of the dead.

9.19

What is left of the hope we embraced and the magic we imagined back then
that kept us motivated and coming back for it
Is everything we believed in back then always shattered in the end
As the histories evanesce with the hours and are replaced of seemingly no consequence
We live in our heads, building callous towers against our own brothers and flesh
And call it a new path of vision or perception
But go back and ask the kid we all eventually neglect and forget
How were most all broken and afraid just in equivocally different ways
Is all the weight I feel and think these days simply par for the course
you can’t make it drink you can only bring water to the horse
Because every man is right in his own discourse
will every ally fall away with the time
Shall every alliance betray, friend and companion change and divide
Will all vision dim and cognition collapse upon the whim
Will lovers and dreamers endlessly disappear amidst the wanderings of sin
Will I have to sever ties and burn all these bridges forever until the end of time
Searching for something that doesn’t exist as the plots dissolve indiscernible and disintwine
in this new universe where everything exhumed now only hurts
As the walls collapse and my heart has been turned back and broken in ways and places I never could have imagined would happen
I would do anything to make it the way it was back then
And we tried to run away but the sands keep receding from beneath us
And slipping through our well- intentioned grasp
Sands that held the memory of what it was like before we learned to develop masks
Back when we could still sense something to believe in
When we were so convinced our hopes and dreams were reasonable achievements
Can’t we just keep on running away and never stop until eternity finds us again
I feel it’s claws everyday and it’s teeth are finally sinking in
And the tragedy is in the way it often inevitably makes us grow so numb
I don’t want to have think it’s true what they say that the only disease were really suffering from
is the eternal Haunting of Eden
Beneath the same old sun
So I set out on a journey just yearning to fill in these spaces to prove myself wrong
But in this present space it’s disturbing the possibility that I was correct all along
From the onset, when these days it sure seems it’s been seen said and done
And I hate the way we’re never allowed to need anyone
can you really medicate the pain of reality
striving to Sell me all the medications they say I’ll need
After time cut out my heart made me the monster I can never control now it seems
When it left one too many scars and took an irrevocable bite out of me
What do you do when the warrior loses their fight
when the blackbird disremembers her flight
Because too long a season ago I arrived at this impasse but now I don’t really know Where to go or how long its gonna last
Because for most of my life
I knew where my center was and how to get myself back up
But I just can’t seem to reignite the fire that Once burned a fiercer light, About to lay down my armor and retire tonight
Tired of the fight and so ashamed to say
How I’ve failed You now
I’ve lost track of the narrative and I’m losing my faith
I know life isn’t easy or fair but I thought I was finally going to catch a break
I don’t know what to do next and feel like I’ve run out of strength
People want to say I’m not trying my best
But we have never walked a day
In eachothers shoes
It always seems okay When it isn’t You
They always said that it gets better but I can’t seem to live these dark days down
That have settled in again and my passion is nowhere to be found Maybe I don’t want to just burn the book forget the past and skip to the end
Some want to call their lives a story but keep erasing the pen
No I don’t want to forget, I embrace where I’ve been
And I’d been been fanning the embers in Chasing redemption
But lately I can’t even remember who I am
Or was it was I thought You said
You always said I was a fighter But I’ve acquired all this doubt and regret
This year I’ve been drowning up to my neck
With nothing to hold onto, tell me whose hands are you going to grab to pull you through
When everyone is struggling in the same ocean as you?

8.18

Wish that I didn’t always feel so conflicted within
A battlefield I fear that there is no win
And the present situation seems to be getting more dim
Despite punching out the windows
just trying to let some light in
Think I’ve got my mind made up, that I finally see a ray of sun
Resolve for a minute, Next day my conviction’s gone
I’ve been passively living in a perpetual division
Is there actually no real correct decision
Or if there is, would I really even care to be informed
Searching for sign of a hope I’m scared doesn’t exist anymore
As I’m holding my breath, questioning every step
Second guessing my path
Do I go right or stay left
The evident truth and I locked in a match
As Im wrestling to the death
Trying to battle my way back again
Voices multiplying filling up my head
With loaded suggestions
It shows I’ve been regressing
As if I don’t Know it
That I can’t locate my Focus
Will the world out there ever stop pressing in on me
Infecting with heavy care of the same precedented disease
Or will I be scared and restless as this for the rest of eternity
Reconsidering all I’ve believed on continual repeat
Will I create a means to make peace if it turns out to be
My purpose remains still so uncertain to me
Are my efforts concerted enough to bring the turn that I need
Will giving my best ever measure up
Am I being tested or did I mess my life up
I just want myself back and a world that I recognize
the person I had and been for all my life
Not just what they taught to me
God on high there’s got to be
something
How can the right thing feel so wrong
And I can’t take a deep breath
how can the straight path leave me feeling so off and empty in my chest
What is it that has to be done, to feel like me again
to get rid of the numb, don’t know where the hell I’ve been
Passion gone missing in an apathetic prison
I’ve too long been stranded and just running with the crowd
I can’t fucking stand it I just want to get out
Find a high place to run at my own pace rediscover my faith
In some place other than the black abyss
Never hated it more down here in the darkness
I just swallow the fear and suppress all my emotions
praying for something to be clear amidst a mess of endless motions
God I’ve gotta break through
But I don’t know what else to do
At the end of my rope while watching everything around
seems like I’m always alone when the terror surrounds and then comes crashing down
On me
remind me that my heart still beats
before it kills me
But everything real feels
the next agonizing pill
Is every necessary attenuation
Only the very next change To try not to hate
And Realization
that’ll keep me up at night in new ways
haven’t gotten much shut eye in a few days
Which dragged on into weeks and then months
Why Is it sadness and peace seem synonymous
Will I have to give up and quit
Simply stop with being honest
Will I be choked out and sickened by
this Silence of pretense
I’d rather hold my ground and go down swinging and screaming
This won’t be my end
Maybe I’ll never really get rid of this anxious feeling in my gut and chest again
Maybe life was always only found in death
And There’s Such a big part of me that’s already dead
Maybe we’re never really ready
so tell me God
Where are we going next?

8.1 free write

Been trapped living on the edge of a knife, Seems that the only decision is a kind of death or Die
When it feels like there will be no getting out Alive
Not the same person that I was before, Afraid I’ve become a monster of some form
don’t know what to do but to say Your name out loud
If There ever was a day I’ve needed You
Jesus it’s now
As my universe feels like it’s crumbling all around
You say it’ll be OK but why does it get harder to believe every passing day
Have I lost my faith
Even the hope for a love that could mean something to me
seems so far away it’s barely even a memory
I don’t know what I want, don’t know where I belong I would ask where exactly did I go wrong but would I really want to know
We always keep moving forward because we don’t really have a choice
Fight not to be bitter for it but seems every turn of the story merely disappoints
I feel like everything I’ve tried so hard to protect has been torn right out of my chest and replaced with this awful empty bitterness
Jesus please hold on to me, to the spirit that I’ve misplaced
In a world I can’t escape I keep on burying away
the heart I need to be me but can never keep safe
So hold onto me and don’t let me go when I can feel myself slipping away
honestly it’s getting harder to see where this is all going
All my life they’ve told me You’re always on my side, but I feel if you knew my secret battles You might change Your mind
Most days it’s felt like you’re all I’ve ever had, because I know people just don’t understand
kind of hard to see eye to eye when we all have our own lives inside our minds
Why is it when I try to find the words to say I just sit there in silence as if I can’t explain
All these problems I can’t fix but can’t efface or leave behind
It’s all so fucked up and I can’t erase these lines
But if i try to talk about it a panic riots inside
How can 1000 thoughts and feelings scream so loud
but when it come to revealing, words just don’t come out
Sentences always seemed so weak and in vain
but they’re all that we’ve got
While waiting here in between
The life we used to have, who we used to be, and the reality now
we can’t escape, it comes crashing down everyday
Words just barely scratch the surface and right now aloud they sound so worthless
When I know this, I’ve rehearsed it, all the verses heard in churches
Seems like nothing is working and the one thing for certain is everything hurting and my heart’s grown too heavily laden with burden
Because scholarly comprehension is no comfort or friend
wish I could reverse nearly all the knowledge I’ve procured upon the earth
Unlearn and somehow return
Erase my memory so I could maintain the belief there’s a life I could work to create
where not everything has to hurt, not everything is made to break
But I can’t find a truth these days that doesn’t immerse my soul in a new kind of pain
A stone dry desert rarely renewed by soothing rain
Because something in me died that day
A part of me died that night
The moment a thousand shards of truth shattered everything I’ve held onto in life
And I hate how people talk like that’s a great thing
to be devastated by such a painful sting
So most of the time lately I can’t feel anything
but this fear that’s always talking in my ear And I’m trying to stop listening
But it’s mostly all that I can hear
Now whenever I have an emotion, I just push it back down
pretend not to notice the colors fading into the background
negative emotions I ignore and repress
Tell myself my feelings don’t matter
until I have another breakdown and put my fists through the mirror as it shatters
Just throw my feelings in the trash bin then wonder why my mind is such a fucking mess
continue to speculate as to why I have no peace inside
Afraid that the only time I feel better is when I’m believing a lie
And In the fleeting moments of clarity between trying to keep my head above the waves of chaos and despair I see
it’s so scary to me to see the severity of just how far away I’ve drifted from the world I need
And the disparity between who I am now and who I used to be
and how numb I’ve become to everyone
And everything that once mattered to me
It’s so funny I bet everyone thinks I’m doing fine, but truth be told I’ve never felt so close to suicide
Seems like everything I do or try
just falls through and breaks
then merely for ironies sake rises back from the dead just to blow up in my face
So It’s no big secret I don’t really know how to appeal or relate
to the world outside
when I feel like I never really had a normal life
What it’s been like would be kind of difficult to explain
to anybody who even cared to listen a little bit
because no one was there For most of it
I’m really starting to reflect back at my past and wonder what I could’ve done different
But I guess it’s pointless to ask
When it probably wouldn’t make a difference
So I’m sorry that I let You down
I let me down too
I keep searching for the details to try and talk all of this out but they just get lost in the screaming static of the background
And I don’t really want to let go this time because I’m tired of changing.

June 3rd Free Write

I had to forsake who I am somewhere far behind here

but every once in a while there are surreal, little reminders

Of who I used to be, and it’s so disturbing to me

How seldom we speak or I even see her anymore;

that I used to be me everyday,

But I haven’t noticed her around since the moment she finally went away

But what scares me the most is that there’s no one left here who knows how to find her or the ghost

Who might know where she’s gone

The heart I’ve had to put to death in order to move on

I died in smallest increments and then suddenly all at once

When I finally admitted that theres no Intrinsic Significance in anything or one

So I’ve been making moves and going through every motion

Even when it feels useless and not showing any emotion

So I’m sick of people coming to me to say they’re glad I finally got it together

Because you don’t know me, there’s so much of my life no one is ever going to see

And I don’t open up the way I once did so readily

We’ve all got our burdens we weather

So don’t think for a minute that it isn’t as heavy, I just carry it better

When I’m bent on a vendetta to settle the score

To get back at the devil for all the years he stole and played me for

But when I feel this new pull it can seem impossible

not to let the rage take the wheel

because you lose the game the moment you start to feel

But it’s the only emotion I’ve got left at all

I’ve bloodied my fists through every wall

Giving it more than I’ve got to give and my very best

But it seems it’s never enough and life’s just a giant test

I used to cut myself to learn to be in control and deal with pain better

Now reality just does it for me

cutting into me with laughter

It carved me stronger, colder, and faster

than ever before

I feel that every day I’m becoming nearer to a person that I said I would never be

because every day there’s a stranger trapped in the mirror staring back at me

Every day I’m seeing the world differently and hating it

it’s making me sick because I can’t bear the weight of It

Seems like every day life keeps getting harder I swear

and I’m so tired of all the scars I’ve been forced to wear

I keep moving forward and paste on a fake stupid smile and it’s more than I can take but it’s been that way for a while

I wish so badly I could pour out my heart to You How I always used to before

Problem with that is it seems I can’t find it anymore

And I need it so much right now I would give up the world

Just to feel alive inside peace like I did when I was a girl

Now I’m more than scared to let go of the questions in my mind

Terrified I’ll find after all The fight it’s only the truth that I’ve left behind

Is there no comfort in the truth

Can you forgive me

If I can no longer hold on,

Not to me or you

If I can’t keep pretending my mind isn’t trapped in just a different form of war

As steel clasped lips pull me further down into the silence

crushing in my spirit and bones

Where wisdom and understanding have merely confiscated my hope

Beneath the weight of a broken world

Can you forgive me if I finally fall apart

stop pushing away ignoring the fact that I can no longer feel our hearts

Not yours or mine

My universe crashing down on me tonight

I’ve run out of reasons to lie

Because I’m not alright

And all memories seem so distant and cold

Is the search over, decay weighing heavy on our shoulders

They say it’ll be okay but I can’t contrive a way

And I’m so sorry

Can you forgive me if I finally let go

If I finally have fallen apart and lost my will and hope

Oh God hold on to me

When I’m so sorry

God hold on to me

Because I don’t know where I left me and I’ve finally given up.

5.6

You met me in a state that I never should’ve been
Raging angry misfit
my head already caving in again
Never should’ve opened up or let anyone in
selling my own heart again with every inch of skin
Because it’s hard to wrap my soul around what little there is left
how can you be so cold
when I felt it beating in your chest

You said
“Don’t lose yourself in a world that’s bound to use and sell you
Well
I’d lie that I could help
Just let me break you in first”

Was anything you said true
Or used on everyone you knew
Sycophantic
I won’t stand it
Push me to the edge again
Just make sure you understand
We’re not the same kind in the end
Not a speck of you on my skin
Just a mistake I won’t make again

I wish that I could say I feel surprised
but I’ve reached a new place of numb inside
I’m trying to compensate for something I can’t hide
I would use you all the same
But I’m just a nameless face in your eyes

I’m not an animal
I’m so much more
I’m not an animal
Heart mind spirit scars soul
You’re not an animal
But you’re crawling on all four
You’re not an animal
So what are you selling yourself for

It makes sense that
abused becomes abuser
You’re just another user
I know your kind
dozen a dime
I’ll have you drawn and
outlined
Say that you’re here to help me learn
But listen clear it’s my turn
You say I’m jaded, I wonder why
With people like you to prove me right
Every day

I guess everything they said’s true
You’re all the same it’s nothing new
Sycophantic, one night stand- in
But I can’t feel a damn thing
Deceive me just to stay the night
And leave before the daylight
Good luck explaining this one to your girlfriend
The one you told me about after you played me for the weekend
So good riddance I hope you had your fun
Because I’m not your fucking toy
I’m a loaded gun

Wish that I could say I ever feel surprised
But I’ve reached a new level of numb inside
In a world so unbearably dumb, cut and dry
Nothing ever matters
You don’t care about me
And that’s fucking fine
Because
I’m not an animal
I’m so much more
I’m not an animal
Heart mind spirit scars soul
You’re not an animal
But you’re crawling on all four
You’re not an animal
So what are you selling yourself for

I never should have trusted anyone
Now there’s just one thing left to do
When I keep setting my bar lower and lower
But you hit your head hard drunk or sober
I’m not buying all the sweet talk and bullshit that you fed
You had your shot and missed me
Your whiskey only mixes with regret
A thousand lines I’ve left unsaid- But like everything else- it doesn’t matter at all
So thanks for nothing asshole.

Fragments 4.2

Drifting like a satellite,

floating farther and farther away

You know I didn’t mind the once upon a time when it was only you and I, with the world locked outside,

Because there’s nothing new under the sun, it’s all been said and done

and everyone looks the same in my eyes

In my eyes we’re trapped in the light of the truth

I’d never felt so alone and without use

Never hungered so much for something I couldn’t admit

I would only discover didn’t exist

Even back when I had a heart

that didn’t vilify love, everything and everyone

When I could still feel all the things we dreamed up

Now all I find is the tiny bit of something in everyone I’ve fought to ignore

And a whole lot of the nothing I wasn’t searching for

I’ve never felt so disinterested and bored with life and the world

Wishing I could claim I feel I’m where I belong

In this line of a billion fading faces

Who all want to be someone

Only to confess that I feel worthless, that I serve absolutely no purpose,

When we’ve all got similar labels branding us purchased

Another invisible cog in the same old machine

A single drop in an ocean of shifting scenery,

Assigning identity and meaning

In our jobs, our dogs, the vehicles we obtain

Innately dismantled and easily replaced

pretending not to notice

That It never does feel the same

But they still repeat we’re each invaluable and unique in our own way,

but most all I thought mattered to me is no longer here today

So yeah sure, that’s great

I simply don’t want to see another face

Is this the great unobtainable goal

The end result of becoming whole-

To feel nothing at all

No conviction, no impulse, no impetus to take control

Or to paint a temperament red again

Just to feel something other than silent and reticent

because who really gives a damn

When it’s not them

Know I have to break free of this apathy,

but it’s sad to see it just isn’t passing really

What happened to me, I can’t feel a damn thing

Say we’re all interconnected, simple as that we can relate and are all scared

But it’s like no matter what anybody does or says

I can’t seem to believe that anyone really cares

Or perhaps it’s simply that we threw that word around far too easily

Just like the word love, say it all day but it doesn’t mean what it used to be

No, not to me

And now today I can walk away far too effortlessly

Now standing in the crowd it’s like rubbing mud all over my skin

that just never washes clean no matter what or where or when

I try to convince myself that I can make my escape from the world

But they just keep on talking, advising, repeating every quote they were told

Proclaimed from the rooftops and nailed on every door

Everybody knows it but i don’t want to hear it anymore

There’s not a single thing you can say that hasn’t been a billion times before

I’d be lying if I claimed the retrograde wasn’t more appealing

Than the million truths pushing the blade in, teaching with wounds that there is no healing

Some times I feel surrounded by a bunch of sociopathic zombies

Telling me if you ever get attached to anyone or thing that the problems is on me

But no,

Some just eventually grow so cold hearted

They don’t even notice or remember where it all started

They look down on people who simply believe what they’re told

And call them sheep eating the meat that they’re sold

by the Internet, the TV set,

Or by the lust of the eyes

but can’t even see the noose laced around their own neck,

won’t even notice until it’s too late for regret

And we want every single second of the only drugs left we get- that are always sold by usury to begin with

But we most all simply create different deceptions to distract our minds

And now it’s altogether worthless in my eyes

I don’t want Heaven or earth

But don’t want Hell either

But are we truly all the same

When there are too many animals for my taste

Who don’t even know what love is when it smacks them in the face

Too busy chasing after a little cash, tits and ass

To me it will never cease to amaze

The vapidity of humankind

Who never knew depth or true magic

But Twist to death in the nets of carnal distraction

And now I can finally see it’s the same grave I allowed you to dig in me

Said I’d never let you in

I’ll never let them in

But the best we have to give’s no longer genuine

Not To me

And now I can see

What I’ve denied all along

That The only comfort in this world is in the lies

And if it feels so wrong,

It’s probably what I should have done all along

Because they’ll never care the way that I did

Before my heart went cold

Before my strength and spirit caved in and I became another product of the eternally conspiring mold

words always fell short and they don’t a change a thing

The beginning is the end, and the end is the start, so just erase the middle- it was a waste of a childish heart

So here’s to a thousand new starts with old broken parts

They say to hold on to nothing so I just tore out my heart

You can’t erase the rage that burns in tomorrow’s wings

So I’m letting you go, you and everything I know

Now to waste myself down this road and now

I’m finally gone.

My Confession

Someone once said there is a certain obtainable measure of freedom simply in confessing wrongs and what haunts your mind and spirit. Here I am finally desperate enough to claim the shreds of peace that come with admitting and letting go of some of the guilt and expectation of who I should be- to confess some of what I fear I’ve become. So for the sake of brevity let’s forgo spotless grammar and punctuation and I’ll simply speak freely until the allotted hour run out.

I’ll never forget the day I finally stepped outside her body- the first time I stared back at her, and I *hated* her. I loathed her for being so so naïve, so good, innocent, forgiving, and full of light. I hated her all the more for having faith in so much but truly comprehending the true nature of so little. I hated her for being too weak to make anything better of her life or herself, rather than wait for life to get better while it passed me by. But most, I hated her for the lies that in her naivety were permitted to grow up inside; and in their maturity destroy what would have been left of my soul.

I made a particular note of the last days, the last moments that I was able to consciously see through eyes of a blindingly childish faith and nobility; the moment I closed the casket on the part of myself that I’ve been in denial of its death. But I still am terrified I will eventually forget what it was like to ever feel safe, sure, innocent, or free- that I’ll forget in place of the inescapable progression of life. But in my present mind perhaps I’ve finally laid that person to rest, and if this happens to be the last time I can bring myself to write for an unspecified period of time, let it be to confess fragments of the transpiry that led me to lose the drive to write in poetic measure.

After a journey of more mistakes than a life should already hold at my age- I presently conclude that if something makes you feel anything strongly compelling or seemingly indisputable, that it is likely your god; That the reality of feeling that exist in the real world of proudly sober ascetics, I find to actually be so subtle it’s difficult to find at all, save for the sole influence of suggestion possibly creating the feeling that an otherwise honest person might deem nonexistent. But evidently human perspective never mattered at all, and all to say that if you’re really looking for it you can find meaning in nearly anything, everything, or everyone; as long as the personal narrative remains consistent. And so I searched in every corner of both the imagined and the simple world for where or what I might convince myself my conscious devotion lies in. Yet I found so little feeling or conviction in all of the truths I found, that in making no decision I consequently chose to take the wide path- and entirely forego the road that had once been destined for me. Now I wonder if it’s too late, if it ever will be the same that it could’ve been. Now I realize the blood that is on my hands is the blood of a world that didn’t need one more uselessly angry, jaded, broken soul, and the blood on my hands is also mine.

Now finally beginning to come in to any measure of wisdom mature enough to understand the true resolution of any of these matters, I somehow put up walls that not only can other people not breach, but I don’t even know how to scale these walls I put up To keep myself out. I’ve locked out the words and I no longer feel or find any inspiration in such a cut and dry world. I know that the purpose of life is to love God, love others, and be loved. Whatever the hell that means. I’ve fallen in love a few times in my life, and once loved with all of my heart. But as wonderful as it may have felt for some time, it was love that taught me not to believe in love. And it was people who taught me not to trust people. So the platonic love that remains is what I believe to be purely an action independent of any feelings had or not had; and I’m here to confess that I no longer believe that love is some great driving force in the universe. I don’t even know that to me it exists beyond some esoteric concept that everyone is convinced of but is actually terribly difficult to feel. I could almost be inclined to say that desire is one of the strongest feelings in life, but just like everything else it leaves you unsatisfied because it’s merely a shard of the broken remnants of what love could have been. Awful as it may sound aloud, I can’t see myself ever loving someone again- not only because I don’t ever desire to experience that kind of misery again, But it was never something that easily happened naturally for me. Not without the repetitive, intrinsic fallout and the marring of my perspective of everyone around me when it imminently ends in flames again. So now I’m just like what I hoped to never be, numb. Another stupid fucking nobody in a sea of 8 billion sinking faces, and I don’t want to see another face. I don’t need anyone’s measured sympathy, as it doesn’t change anything and I probably wouldn’t believe that you cared anyways. But I suppose the word care in itself is incredibly subjective. Maybe I just cared too much and am finally landing somewhere in the middle of a place that now seems like apathy to me but is really just how it was supposed to be all along.

Perhaps for far too long in my life I have relied on feelings to decide what was real or important to me. And for what seems like the first time in my recollection, I don’t feel much. And ironically enough, that scares the shit out of me. Maybe there was a very particular moment that I decided to shut off my heart or to begin to believe that no one really cares that much. All I have is the evidence for of friendship after relationship after friendship that ultimately point to the same suspicion that either something is fucking wrong with me or we’re all looking for something that doesn’t exist. And unfortunately at this point in my life I think that love is a waste of my time and I don’t want to waste any more of my life on it. As wrong as that statement may sound, why fall for the trap of marriage or the imminent decline of that hopeful next relationship when you finally both reach the point of realizing that you’re all too human and eventually refusing to admit to yourself that your eyes start to wander no matter how wonderful you convince yourself it was at the start. Prove me wrong, show me a couple that stayed together and I’ll show you infidelity in the next. I’ll show you the 30-years-married pastor who struggles with pornography. I’ll show you the wife cheating on her husband, and I’ll show you the wayward eyes who have found but are still looking, on any block of the city. I know this is going to come across very abrasively to probably anyone who reads this- but I doubt anyone will- as honestly this post is for me. This is for me to get off of my chest all the things that have been rotting inside and tearing me apart for all too long, that I haven’t had the courage to say in hopes that maybe afterwards they won’t hold so much power over me. Or maybe they will, I don’t know.

It’s funny because I’ve been a Christian since I was a kid old enough to understand, and in my truest heart of hearts I’ve walked in it and I believe it, and I still do. But for the very first time in my life I feel a silent, deep- seated disillusionment with my faith. I feel anger at the things that I know are true, anger at the things that aren’t true, and furthermore a vague, equivocally unjustifiable distain for the entire world. In fact, if hate and apathy are remotely anywhere in the same vein, I can go so far as to say that on some days lately I hate the world. You get to know enough people to finally realize that 95% of people are essentially the same, And I very well may fall in that larger category myself, as who can say what their opinion matters in this day and age? I could venture to say that I am bored to death with the inhabitants of this city, or perhaps I’m just trying to create a defense mechanism against that unshakable belief that I’ve now come to terms with in recognition that everyone cares, but no one cares. We most all care a little, but let’s be honest, unless it’s your own mother – assuming you had good parents- how much does anyone truly care about something that isn’t about them. And the amount that I used to invest and care about others, it seems like a waste of my time. It seems like a waste of my energy. Maybe that person is still somewhere in there, in fact I know she is. The occasional uninvited song on the radio reminds me of that fact, But I don’t know when or how I’ll be able to find her again because I don’t really believe in too much of anything. I guess deep down that’s something we all want- something to believe in- something to feel anything special at all. Other than the faded resignations we often find growing in various areas of our lives eventually. I know that there is a one true God, that He hears and He loves us- but if I’m honest I don’t really know what that means. As God knows I’ve turned my back on Him in countless instances- As I’m always running after what I think will make me happy, or at least save my ass from my biggest fears- but at the end of the day I know that He is all I have, Regardless of how I feel about it in the moment. And I’ll admit that’s very uncomfortable for me, as I feel surrounded by people who are far more proficient than me at acting as if the reality of a state of constant decay in the universe is not real. And I wish it were not. I wish that I could say I still felt the same, that I could still see anything the same. But I’ll admit that everything that mattered to me in life eventually starts to break. Everything that made me feel something eventually shows itself for what it is – another selfish byproduct of a broken, grasping world.

In addition to transient feelings of intense distain for the world- not with the intention of ill or harm being done upon it- but absolute apathy, I won’t be reticent to admit that I oftentimes hate myself for being a part of it. Maybe I’m just a part of the problem, but I didn’t used to feel this way. I pray that God will lead, guide, and direct my life regardless of my now lack of conviction. However it would be a lie to say that I had absolutely no idea as to the events that caused the beginning of the shift in my belief system or universal paradigm. I suppose I could be terribly cliché and go all the way back to over analyzing myself and an irrelevant history of relationships that essentially always proved the same things. That nearly everything happens on the inside, but all we can see is the outside, and no words are ever going to translate the world that lives inside each of us, that will never be felt or seen. And if you have any subjective thought whatsoever, it is simply part of being human.

Admittedly there are some people in my life that I don’t know how to come to complete forgiveness with, though I know that the fault is almost entirely my own. The fault was mine the moment I began to believe that anyone was more than simply a passing character in stories that overlap for a short period of time. That no one and nothing stays. The fault was mine the second I started to believe that anyone’s intentions could be anything more than appropriately distant and detached. I know that none of us are alone, but we all are. And like many, I’ve felt alone nearly my entire life, as I’m just like every other person I’m sure- on some level hungry for a relationship deeper than you could find anywhere. That I’m too often locked up inside my own mind, and most people are entirely incapable of the type of emotional intimacy that space in all of us demands. I struggle to see a point in relationships if this is all there is in the universe. That I am and you are possibly so much more than The few words we can use to try and convey the state of what’s on the inside of our lives that no one sees. Maybe I’ll feel alone til the day I die. Especially if I can’t figure out how to work through being so jaded and disillusioned the humans on the planet for no particular reason other than that we’re all chasing after the same drugs in different ways, or escape from the reality only to throw each other out when the high wears off. And maybe I’ll become just like that. Altogether worthless.

And as much as I know all of the answers in the clichés, that we are all infinitely valuable, by the evidence of my actions I don’t believe it. I feel worthless, like I have no purpose in the universe, and If the purpose of life is only to love and be loved, then there is no purpose in life And I’ve finally figured it all out. Call it a trivial existential crisis. The place inside that once used to be filled with so much goodness and beauty, and a desire to do better than the world I saw- I can’t find it today. In fact I sit in the church pew struggling to not feel like I hate every person in the room for being so readily submissive and naïve and acting like a bunch of golden retrievers. And I admit that I feel trapped in a world between golden retrievers and devils- but one bores the hell out of me and the other disgusts me. So funny considering my upbringing in the Christian faith that I’ve upheld my entire life. How can I call myself a Christian and have all of this going on inside of me? How can I feel like God’s people are retrievers And suddenly asking myself if I really want to be like that? I’ve always felt like a black sheep, like I didn’t belong in the church, like in my heart I didn’t really draw true peace or joy or contentment there. But I still believe it’s the truth regardless of my feelings raging war against it. For the good qualities that you believed I possessed were indeed there, but so much more. but somehow I allowed lies of there being something out there in the universe more than the subtle nothingness that I felt, and it destroyed me. This world is so much harder than they told us it would be, and burdens and pains we feel don’t have much place for words. And this world is so much less than I had imagined or hoped it would be. I see a bunch of simple humans running programs and necessarily being chronically occupied with how to make a living, and most calling it life.

Probably everyone feels alone inside, but we are all here alone together; though each one is made to walk a path largely unseen by anyone but themselves and God .I wish I could say that that made me feel better, But here we all are regardless of how anything makes me feel. I don’t know where I’m going in life after this, not to say that this blog was an entirely accurate summation of my life, but I don’t know At this point if I will be able to continue to use this space as a way to vent- to express the things I wouldn’t tell the people proximally closest to me in life- Because despite all the good intentions we may find, you always talked over me, and you never understood me. You didn’t know what to do with me when I became so sad at such a young age, and it felt like there wasn’t anyone else around who cared to listen as much as I needed to talk. And I have no idea why.

I don’t deeply trust anyone. I don’t particularly like anyone when sometimes I don’t even like myself. And that’s okay- that’s where I’m at right now.But I’m finally trying to do life, and I’m no longer going to try and justify what I want to do, to anyone. I will become everything that I was and so much more again. But not today. I am not the hate that dwells inside me, and I am not the hurt that follows me around- because I was never the type to ever forget. I may not be able to make amends with everything in my mind, and some things may remain feeling eternally unfinished to me. I’m just as fucked up as I always was, and so are you. But For now I have to try to make my own way for that to be as okay as possible. Maybe no one out there can understand how you or I feel or just how intense it is when the angry feelings come around now and then, But if that’s the only feelings I have right now, I’m fine with it. The next chapter of my life is beginning and I’m trying my best to embrace it, but I’m more terrified than I’ve ever felt in my life, though I’ve probably said that before.

There are a couple people out there that I have to confess I can’t seem to come to peace with in my mind. Maybe you are part of the reason that I hate the world, and myself. I hate myself for the damage that I can’t heal, for the truths that came from the many lies I believed in that I now can never erase. It was my fault the moment I chose to trust anyone but God. It was my fault for ever getting attached to anyone. I’ve lived most of my life with the subconscious policy of always being able to walk away from anyone. But there have been a few instances in my life that completely wrecked me inside, and changed me in a way that you will never know how deeply. And I will never know precisely why or be able to explain what happened. Maybe they were vital in making me the person that I needed to be to survive in a world that I think is either insipid or shallow and perverted.. Maybe it’s just the hurt and anger I needed to propel me to where I was always supposed to be. As the cliches say, a bad ass bitch that will never be influenced or hurt by anyone again. I realize that’s a terrible and a wonderful place to be in, albeit a lonely place, but that’s fine too- It’s where I’m at right now. A place of realizing that it’s okay to feel sad and angry after doing the right thing.

I admit that I wrestle everyday with forgiving you and myself, and I don’t know why. But in my heart I believe I’m the one to blame for the loss of feeling and so many things I don’t know how to restore. Again I feel an inexpressible contempt and disconsolation at the fact that everything that makes you feel in life, is wrong. And the right doesn’t make me feel much at all. But once upon a time It once used to seem that there was magic in the world- Or maybe that’s just the poet in me still trying to live. Perhaps part of what caused this strange relationship to have changed me so profoundly is that you were one of the first people I can remember actually making me *feel* loved instead of just saying it, which is easy. Because people have always been a quick to say it, as though remotely giving a crap about someone must be love, or that knowing someone is really knowing them. and I’ve heard words from many men, that didn’t mean anything and I’ve wondered how much the word love even means to me anymore. I feel like relationships taught me in some subtle way that no one is really that important, interesting, or special; not to me and nor am I to anyone else, not anymore. And I know that’s incredibly fucked up, but it’s the truth, and I’m here to try to say it.

I’m sorry for any emotional pain I may have caused you, it was never my intention to deceive you, and I never tried to put up a front that’s was someone I wasn’t. I don’t know if there’s any such thing as meant to be- God knows I truly wish there were- But I just don’t know What I believe in anymore. Maybe I don’t believe in anything on this planet, which isn’t a difficult destination to arrive at. Now to deal with the hurts that I can’t explain and the things I can’t find the words for, Most every time I have a feeling I find myself throwing it away, in silent favor of feeling nothing. But whenever I do have a twinge of emotion, I find that there is so, so much more that I could’ve said; That I wanted to say.

I have to confess that I still struggle with thinking that people who can be entirely happy in this broken world are either incredibly simple people, or simply incredibly stupid. There are so many more profound feelings to experience in existence beyond the happiness and “surrender” Self-help is chronically trying to sell, when once this was a world where all of the nightmares were merely the things we feared would happen, but rarely ever came to pass. And then things start to happen to you in life- things that in your deepest heart of hearts you never could have believed would happen to you, so you never saw them coming. Losses and sobriety that leave a hole that never fills in, against all logic and against all the things that we can acquire for ourselves in this world, against all the actions we can choose to make. Silently, irreparably destroyed perspectives From things that we believed mattered, only to find scarcely mattered in the end. Only to find that many of the mundane things we overlooked hold all the meaning in the universe, but even having found and knowing this- I still can’t feel a thing. I stand in the position of finally letting go of everyone and I’ve never been so strong as to be out of harms way by the disappointing realization of each of our humanity. I’m so sorry if I wasn’t the person you thought I was, sorry that my compassion wasn’t inexhaustible; that I’m probably even more afraid than you are. All the knowledge in the world is no friend of ours- for what I wouldn’t give to be able to see through eyes that believed in everything but understood nothing.

I’m not really sure of a good way to end this, all I know is that I have to be done running away from the truth, because I’ve already lapped the planet six times. But I’m here, I’m sober, and I fucking hate everyone- well, except like three people.

-The Calling Crow

12.1

A thousand faded thoughts but I can barely speak a word
I can’t piece them back together
All the pages that I burned,
Volumes of what I would have, should have, potentiated to say, an innumerable treasury simply washed away today
All my motivation, my intentions and emotions lie in idle disrepair
Once scattered across the floors and lining the maze of halls, now I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but for the very first time I recall
I can’t feel anything at all.
The feeling of nothing stays longer than I can bear, neither remembering what was forged nor forgotten, but only more vain perpetual distractions all simply leading nowhere
In denial of the ever revolving unrequition buried in my mind, as if everyone is in on a secret that was never disclosed to my eyes
And chance is I’ve finally given up on love, so what else is there to do, when the most important thing in the universe always leaves you searching for someone new
Aware that most often love it resides solely in the most mundane of places and faces where it can seem most dissonant and scarce of consequence to the senses,
Or taken for foolish granted, such that when it’s wanted, it’s no longer there to make amends with
So I strive my best merely to reach the end that I’m not actually interested in making friends
To admit that perhaps I’ve become the ignoble character, dispassioned and unimpressed
Shedding my inhibitions and control in trying to catch another breath
All the while seeking to conjure some kind of denouement to reconcile futile improvement
As it would seem there’s no point to gain but the increasing burden of disappointment and shame
I am standing in the hastening light of this setting sun,
This chapter of our lives is nearly over and done,
Will I eventually just forget, like the rest of them, as even memories seem no longer sacred, and I scour the corners of my mind only to find that even the most compelling conviction evaporates
When everything I left behind without saying much a word from my lips
May be everything I’ll spend my life lying not to miss
What happened to the magic that kept us coming back for it
Diminishing as scars accumulated by time only highlight all the insecurities we hide, hoping that you are not just like me
Tied up in the invisible strings endlessly wrenching
and unraveling inside
where we know it hurts most,
Pulling the rug from beneath all of our toil and work beneath a new sun designed to expose
The fault in the foundation’s collapse, that I now emerge eternally unattached,
In this light I am nothing but a single drop in a perpetually parched land
remaining in unceasing frenetic motion in the midst of the inalleviable realities that give few second chance,
It would seem there’s little left to feel,
I misplaced my emotions some distant,
foreign place
between the Rock and sands
Because there’s no time left for feeling, only for doing, as when the decaying strands of the guillotine come down on this eve
Never to bridge the distance again
I don’t want to be one left with nothing in the end.

11.13

“People change, the story has to change”

Echos a familiar voice breaking through to scatter the few pieces that remained

I’m seething at best and hard pressed to digest but maybe it’s true,

regardless the story will continue to test and become a stranger to you

Leave you standing in a room

full of faces feeling you never even knew

We exchange glances or shake hands periodically

But all the small talk really taught to me is that there’s no such thing as anything, nothing to hold,

Nor irreplaceable

Now I finally know my place in this world where I belong

and never want to slow my pace again for anyone

No choices left but for me to say as I do and do what I say

But all the frivolities just fall flat today

But the indifferent vapidity will never cease to amaze

And surely I’m just another hypocrite, when some days I hate to admit

I feel like I loathe the world I’m supposed to be loving here, some days I see a million broken souls who ripped holes out of their chests, dulled their eyes, and covered up their ears

I see wounds obscured that don’t even try to explain because there aren’t any words for the kind

of pain,

But I’m finally weary of turning the other cheek so people can run their tires over me, disillusioned forgiving people who don’t truly give me a reprieve, but it’s funny because can you imagine if Jesus had done the same thing

I get sick of loving people who don’t love me, but ironic when that’s the strongest point of Christianity,

And all my life I’ve believed in it, but I finally feel the coldness creeping in,

Commence to question everything and examining the evidence left

That perhaps no one really cares that much, we just pretend

Give a little courtesy because

They say in the very end

most’s love will grow cold, and many of the resistance will follow suit as a result

Sobering enough is to notice it unfold

But truth be told

I’m at the point I want to shut off my own heart too

Become impervious to the harm that living demands it’s due

But catch is if I’m apathetic then I’m just as bad as them, I’ve long had a problem with not feeling love, don’t know how I’m going to overcome when I put my own steel defenses up

That I just don’t know how to take down

Staring at the same traps in reaction to the here and now

Tell myself I don’t trust anyone’s heart thinking I know exactly what’s in it,

So am I sitting here calling the kettle complicit?

We claim the narrative that we care, tell ourselves we’re a good person so we don’t worry, but when it comes right down to it most people don’t want to get their hands dirty,

And to the heat of the flame maintain relationships we can just leave unscathed, but I hear if it doesn’t weep with those who weep it’s not love it’s fake,

But if aware and awake, fearing if you ever care too much, All it brings is pain

We are all a bit messy, inconvenient, and pathologically behaved

So yeah maybe I’ll come back around someday eventually, but for now just allow me to be angry

I can see countless spirits in constant decay, saying we certainly all want the world to change, but who of us wants to concertedly change?

11.9

I’ve been working and waiting for a familiar clarity to alight upon me
As I’m clawing and wading through the mud of grayed out resignations
Searching for the strength to brave one final declaration
Before unsues the war merely not to fade along with the rest of them,
Even to the many courageous who long sought to face and resist the precedent
And most disconcerting is they won’t even notice it
Another casualty gradually sinking into an endless sea of blurring faces
Who have devolved to all look the same to me
A vast majority who knew neither the depths nor the heights so to them the best was easily satisfied
But cut or carve it into my skin, because I never wanted to give in
or forget
A language apart from the twisting stumbling words that only betray us
now the words remain only to be heard within the midnight of a newfound silence
Not the kind that can be explained but solely resounds inside of us
In the moments when you feel most alone in the universe
Who is the real you no one else can see?
and only God knows before we learned to rehearse cliches
to adapt to the curse that we made
There was once a place between meeting and understanding but not fearing one another
In the space where the light and darkness converge,
In the conversation where your mind and heart can finally affirm
How you really feel,
Laying aside the could’s and the should’s just for a minute the truth is revealed
Sorry to have to let myself know that not everyone is going to feel as intensely as you though
And for those few people who do, there are some truths only the silence can discover to speak
there are some scars only a lie can cover up for another week
So I wanted to write these letters to remind before I forget forever
That there was a time before I learned the reasons the sweetest things become scarred with regret
Why recollection gets twisted and marred in our heads
And the fear that is born chokes out the melodies we could hear before
That there was a time before we had to endure these fetters, there was a day when I wasn’t terrified to live forever,
There was a day I’d no secrets I was too afraid to tell,
Now having tasted both eternity and hell,
when I ascend back down into the valleys of the realities we find ourselves having worn deep grooves now into
It would seem the only real proof of permanency in life is a distance that can never be bridged nor removed
And the worst part is it’s always been in my mind hasn’t it, the very worst place for the space of separation to exist, and now everywhere I go,
There it is.

11.1

It took me decades to put up these walls, and years to even begin to get them to fall,

And now just as I was looking out over the top, I start to recall why I put them there at all,

I know I can be a little reckless, get a little breathless when I really feel something deep in my chest,

I don’t want to regress back to the days I want to forget when I didn’t trust anyone who drew breath,

You want to know why at times you think I can spit my words,

Funny how only a person you truly love so much it hurts, can sometimes bring out the worst,

I wasn’t trying to instigate a fight, I just wanted to make this right,

But I don’t know how I could have helped this resolve, when everything I say you think it’s an insult,

I was never intentionally rude to you, but I did take on the blame for things I didn’t do,

You know I never meant it that way, so why do you twist the sentences I say,

I’m not gonna stand by pride and hide that this has torn me apart, I’m not gonna try to mask the fact that I’m asking myself did I ever truly know your heart,

Was I deceiving myself, all these years thinking this had meaning that you never even felt,

I wish I could change or conceal the way this made me feel, Now I’m thinking if it makes you feel anything it must not be real,

I think too many people lie to themselves to try to get wounds to heal

Faster than they were intended to, perhaps I never really knew what I meant to you,

Did I just assume we’d be friends through and through, that we would make due and keep faith in the middle of miscommunication,

I don’t know to say

Never thought we could end this way

when I’m in disbelief, you think I’m the enemy, my tongue is caught between my teeth

Because I don’t want to make this worse, God knows I cared so much it hurts, I don’t understand why we can’t converse through the hurt and the misplaced words,

like two tough people who can both take it equals, and stomach sharing some hard truths without just walking away, because life makes us choose between simply being right and communicating,

I didn’t come here to place the blame, I didn’t stay all these years with the plan to vacate,

I know they say nothing can last, But I like to make them eat their facts,

you said you never felt close or attached to people like that, I wish we could just scrap this bad habit of painting each other black and forget the things we said when we were mad,

Once upon a time it was like we could read each other’s minds,

Now it’s like we just sit silently by and fill in the lines to vilify,

Are we really going to leave it all behind for what seems like a silly fight.

10.30

Of the hardest lessons this life holds in store 

Is the second you assume someone’s hearts like yours

Maybe I was stupid to let this continue for as long as I did

How did you get under my skin

mess with my heart and head again  and again

Feel like I don’t know who I am 

Scared I’m buying into an equal part of the masses  

Of hurt numb people always searching for a vice to mask it  

Or Looking for their next best drug or attraction 

To use it all up and then pass it to the trash can 

Way back then at ten watched it from the back fence

Who If not said with their mouths they confessed it with their actions 

With pride speaking loud 

Who pronounce connection as detachment

It’s sad when real love to many is too much to have to risk

Walk away if they disagree 

as if their opinion’s all there is 

And what they call intimacy feels like an act 

But see that’s what happens when 

You live a world of receipts and no attachments

Relationships weren’t meant to be disposable utensils 

you can’t just go click on tinder

and replace it like a rental, 

I know society considers years let go 

by signing here with a pen or pencil,

there are no perfect souls so why do people still expect or pretend so

I’m sick of this pretense though 

feeling like the human race is mental

Indoctrinated to focus only on what we can let go 

Then wonder why people don’t know how to get anything to grow 

I keep searching in vain for a soul I can touch and see 

I feel so alone drowned in depths of emotions sea 

Everything they do and say’s exactly the same to me 

like I’m going insane in a world of vacancies

Acting As if they can’t see 

I’m trying to Break the glass in Emergency 

Most have a universe trapped inside 

that we never seem to find the words to transcribe

You seemed to try to take the time

but when did I start believing in a lie 

Bet we’re all wishing to find someone who could really know and understand 

but deep down terrified maybe no one really can

Thinking a million thoughts 

But always hide it inside 

Try to fill in connect the dots 

But feel something missing or lost 

Put on a front as if we’re not 

but most got a hunger like a knot 

In my stomach that never turns off 

Rest assured I have God but I sure wrestle with the thought 

That no one really knows me, though I know I’m not the only one,

So much Wi-Fi reception 

so why do I find no connection

Wonder if the problem lies with my reflection

But I guess that’s just what happens 

in a world filled with distractions and no real attachments.

I miss the way it felt back then, or did I only imagine it,

when the world still had magic in it,

and we didn’t have to mask our emotions 

Play the act that we don’t feel alone 

Feign satisfaction with an imitation of being close 

to someone

Now I don’t want to open up and trust love again. 

9.26

I’ve been away for a while
Running circles in my mind
When I was a little child they used to remind me
saying worth does not depend on the things that I achieve
And I was so sure then that I would really believe it
but if that were still true
wouldn’t be feeling as I do
Like everything I knew it only
served to deceive me
When I’m in the dirt of this earth
what is it that I’m leaving behind
Now uncertain can I really redeem the ticking time
Should’ve read the signs
sooner opened up my eyes
seen life is more than just the measure of the passing time
That is pressing on my shoulders
See the decades getting colder
Like a weight upon my chest
Getting heavy with regrets
Know we should never look back
but it’s always right here,
it’s the present future past,
can I ever forget the fear
They tell me it’s a
Journey, there’ll be things you can’t control,
never could’ve warned me
how much it hurts to let go
When my strength fails
Will you look down on me
In this world so frail
What you want’s not what you need
Never satisfied as the air breathe
And all my desire
is just beyond my reach
Funny how you think you finally know what you want
then when you’ve almost got it find it isn’t what you thought
Laundering the same old facades
That we’re not wandering lost
Wonder where the time has gone
Am I the only one still holding on
Fighting ultimatums
When the world is always changing
Will I locate missing motivation
Recreate a way to make it
it certainly never seems to gets easy
But this hurting won’t stop the bleeding
Because before I’d ever learned firsthand of the darkness yet
I could never understand how hard it would be to forget
To erase the contents of my head
Not to mention all the memories that apprehend
Every shred of composure
With Knowledge set to show you
Is Destiny just a dying thing
They say it’s a
Journey, there’ll be things you can’t control
Never could have warned me
How much it hurts to let go
When my strength fails
Will you look down on me
To no avail
Because what you want’s not what you need
Never satisfied as the air I breathe
And all my desire
Is just beyond my reach
They say run after wisdom and to seek her more than gold
but if it only brings more sorrow why even go at all
Because I’m starting to assume that every single pursuit
is just another hard lesson in the things I wish I never knew
at all
They say it’s a journey…

9.4

Guess This is me becoming a functional human being, suffocating the fundamental feeling I’m needing,

starving the main arteries of oxygen, and the part of me that ever wanted to let someone in,

Just tying tighter tourniquets around our hurting broken hearts, and I’m fighting not to admit that my universe has been falling apart,

They Say my life has just started but I’ve never felt so dead, like the light inside has departed replaced by only memories in my head

I keep on sprinting harder and faster only headlong into disaster,

feeling like none of this matters and resisting oncoming chapters,

Why even ask the questions, when you won’t like the answers that come after

fighting in a war I don’t think I can win, trying to ignore what’s taken up residence in my skin,

Where all my innocence has been instilled with sin

Now I’m no heroine

character,

And I’m very sure there are no heroes out there

who aren’t equally scared

Now I just want someone like heroin to be there,

I tried to hide my fear but I’ll forever be unprepared,

And the harder I strive to get to where I’m supposed to be the farther away I feel from when I felt like me, I feel like somebody I don’t even want to see, much less be,

Because As much as I tried I could not protect that innocent kid inside

Who lasted so long but now feels like she’s died, I could not remain the way that I was before

So I became an unforgiving weapon of war

And Honestly now if I could replace all of the mistakes I made and rewrite everything that I believe is my fault, Very well may have rewound back to that day and erased being born at all

Fear somewhere along the road I misplaced my soul

Now I don’t know where I left myself,

Scared I’m a shadow I’m a shell of someone else

I can scream I can yell but words won’t come out

God I think I need some help

I Know I didn’t Come this far just so I could let go, I didn’t fight so hard just to roll over, I wish the voices in my head would leave me alone but no they won’t now I’ve been faced with a choice and so I chose

You Say i’m the sad dark type, yeah you got that part right, you Question why I’m so aggressive then depressive, I guess it’s when I think I know best what’s coming next, that I’ve been holding my breath inside for a good long time, fighting the rising tide practically all my life

Now Somehow I’ve lost track of my soul’s map, so now All I do is wear a mask to put on the act, to sidetrack myself from ever looking back, to detract from the cold hard facts that are ever on the attack

and distract from the artifacts of the heart I used to have, feels like being born is just a trap

you’ll eventually regret,

Though I tempted and tested the time better than the best of them,

But everything in this world demands its amends in the end and the bet’s on my head that I’m about to pay every penny in of my debt,

But if I’m getting prepped to pay that price,

At the very end I’m taking back evening that was mine.

8.7

I must be finally living in reality BecauseI I find that nothing feels that real to me,

So recite some dogmatism like my life is just beginning, but in my opinion I might be in it, but it’s been over for a minute,

sure I’m not the only person on this earth who’s felt unheard no matter the number of words I rehearse, and I know it’s that everyone hurts

and its not necessarily true, but honestly I feel alone no matter what I do,

How are you, fine, how are you, fine, so why don’t I just save us both a little time, when you won’t like the answers you might find,

Two worlds that never fully collide,

This loneliness will find no alleviation until I contrive a way to stop being so complicated,

but how can I learn to be more easily sated and impressed, how Can I start feigning interest, silence and simplify all the pain in my chest,

Now I know that nothing’s perfect but now

I can’t see how its worth it, what’s the purpose of looking for a person to love and be in return if It’s merely a matter of time until it only hurts or you can barely remember what was there that ever brought you together,

When you know how absence makes the heart grow fonder and familiarity Only makes it wanna wander

These are the kinds of things I ponder in the moments I’m not sure I want to be alone any longer, but it’s all I’ve ever known

And up until this point I’ve somehow enjoyed it, but relationships seems so pointless when I don’t need any more disappointments,

So until I’m proven otherwise I just tell myself that everything I’ve ever felt inside was only another lie fabricated by my mind,

Trying to Plagiarize one thing that feels right,

I’ve got everything I need in my life right, so why can I never sleep at night,

I guess it’s just a fundamental part of what being human is, searching for something that doesn’t even exist, looking for love from people who can’t give, and I should know better but I keep on doing it, spelled out right down to the final letter where the problem begins,

The human condition summed up in one sentence, and I am no different I’m no exception, I’m not exempt from buying into deception,

never accepting my lessons, when everybody else seems to get them,

Will we forever only want what we can never have

Am I the only one ever aware of the presence of the past

Am I the only one haunted and scared by the facts

Am I the only one suddenly thinking drugs don’t sound so bad

Will we forever only want what we can never get

Am I the only one who simply can’t forget

Am I the only one with more than a few lifetimes locked up in my heart and head

Am I the only one who feels lonely inside regardless of having friends

I guess it’s only a part of life, and we’re all foolheartedly looking for something.

7.25

Told myself I need to make a choice, a change, Find my voice to face what I’ve been avoiding like the plague

Staring down the other side of real life as the commas in my mind bring me now to realize

I’ve become stronger and faster but how much of this will matter

When I’m No longer that sure

I can handle what’s coming in the next chapter

But wonder what this hunger’s chasing after

Why we keep on climbing up the very same ladder

And I may suspect some answers but I’m too afraid to ask,

Confession is I’m both here and there, always missing the past

Because every good thing appears so it can pass

Fact seems if it makes you happy it’s probably never gonna last

Actually It’s kind of sad

that even love seems just a balancing act

of trying to care without becoming attached

Because most are aware what happens after that

All these questions multiply setting unquenchable fire in my mind, a million little quips wield and imply, like a weapon meant to threaten, with suggestions far more dire than its size,

And it’s eating me alive but I just keep it all inside, paranoid and trying to hide the noise of a guilty mind, thinking everything’s a sign trying to point out faults within my life, bottle it up until I’m terrified when it comes back around to bite, surfacing at the worst time,

Know I’m not the only one who feels so unknown and alone in a world full of a million lonely longing souls

Who doesn’t want to show what’s really going on in my skull

what’s grown up inside my soul

Or how I can’t seem to be honest and open with anyone anymore

Cuz I don’t like thinking of everything that’s broken in this world

All the Things I can’t control

And all the time stole

Feeling like we look at each other but don’t truly see, you might hear my words but don’t really feel me, and I might let you touch my skin but that doesn’t mean I know how to let anybody in,

Asking myself was every time that I could feel felt,

Just an illusion I created trying to heal myself,

Fighting to hold on to something that was never really there

And the questions I’m ever aware are just a prerequisite for breathing in the air

I fear I’m the only one who feels this scared,

And I know some people care but I believe it’s not that much

Like we cross paths here and there but we never really touch,

It must to be all my fault, some key only I hold,

Because syllables are real small but these emotions will be my downfall,

Though we still have to overcome every single obstacle

While Knowing that were not in control

Growing and Perfecting the art of Pushing past it all

Only to ignore my heart beckoning that my passion has grown cold

Am I really growing better then or am I just growing old

Are you really happier than you were back then or are you just letting everything go

So I can no longer hold onto the stories I was told about how it’s all supposed to unfold

When I don’t find the truth comforting at all, and I just don’t know anymore.

7.6

Wish I was the kind who could sit back recline and enjoy the life, mindless and submissive like the ideal type, But despite all the lessons I’ve acquired I still find myself running right down to the wire,

In pursuit of another endeavor that I knew could never preclude me from the truth forever, are my words heard by heaven or straight from the devil, when they feel like all I have when my spirit is troubled

And so every comfort is fading away that once deterred the perpetual ache of a hunger I no longer can satiate, a thirst that grows worse by each passing day, knowing this shall never recur

But feeling anxious and displaced when I’m not striving at race pace after a prize that’s evasive

Say it again I already know not to blame God, But we used to be friends, we once could actually talk, But go on and instruct me with my back up against a wall, how all of my thoughts are ugly and wrong, perchance I’ve hung with fallen angels too long, hope that I’ve not truly changed so much that I’m too far gone

And if this is all just my mind finally growing up, maybe I should leave it all behind along with the hope and love, Because hope doesn’t feel so much like hope anymore, and love seems a fairytale I’ve purchased too many times before,

Oddly enough, The moment I began trying hard to do what I was told, was close to the one I started to lose my heart and soul,

And I know I’ve had a bad attitude for a while, But the platitudes are getting old and I’m sick of masking them behind smiles, Meanwhile,

Ashamed and conflicted , Just when I’d committed to doing it different, One little comment or question and over again I’m afflicted with opposing suggestions

Reading between the lines that were never meant for interpretation, like can’t I shake all the invasive intimations

Claim I have my own vision, But if I can’t act on my intentions with precision, After the fact will I regret not giving in, for causing this division, Afraid of making the wrong decision, or of failing it again

Is this all for naught, are we all born just to rot, this doesn’t seem worth it like before, I don’t believe there’s any purpose for it anymore,

Never thought I could feel so stressed I don’t recollect how to draw a deep breath, Like the clock on the wall is ticking me to death, every minute slipping by a weight sitting on my chest,

Clashing voices battle on in my head, question what happened to the passion I had back then, Perhaps I should give up on my dreams and try to be more like them,

Is all my faith decaying to resignation of coincidence and insignificant cohabitance, perhaps the best that any of us have to give,

Look for some form of love relationship, but left swipe left right, all of these faces look the same tonight and everyday, know I should embrace it, but just want to walk away, it almost makes me feel more sick, when I think about all of it and can’t help but admit, thinking the kind of life just doesn’t fit me, being a wife and the life of domesticity,

But surmise it’s all there is left to see,

Guess I missed the last flight to my destiny

tongue bleeds from being bitten between my teeth,

I’m sorry, right now I can’t hear a thing you’ve ever said before, fear I’ve let us both down, and I just don’t know anymore

Because hell is much deeper than I had foreseen,

wonder if heaven is even as high as we had been hoping,

Now I don’t believe in meant to be

Lately I don’t believe in anything.

6.28

Waking up late again

Thirty eight past ten, hurry through the day again, a hurricane that doesn’t end, need to reframe but afraid when I never can, when I’m barely holding on to what remains, frayed ends,

Feels like I’m doing more than everything I can bear, trying to put it all back together,

But little seems to ever add or measure up, scared my best is never enough, pushing on through giving tears sweat and blood,

For a minute thought I had a sure direction, but now that I’m in it I’m first second and third guessing,

Self- imposed duress pressing down on me, it seems I don’t know how to rest , with the future swiftly closing in on me,

wish I could stop feeling the need to apologize for ever revealing what’s on my mind,

When did I begin to learn to always hide behind ideas that weren’t even mine,

No obligations so high for anybody else as the expectations that I tend to put upon myself,

Perhaps a facet of the problem is I don’t actually trust in God,

Issues stacking up, I should solve them, but my actions they do not,

Repetition on repeat and stuck in reverse gear, My steps must be missing something key or even worse here,

When Lessons learned just disappear,

thought I wanted God’s will for me here, now I’m too afraid to willfully give Him ear,

Asking do I really want to hear,

When the truth fills me with fear

Guess I don’t want to listen

Wish I didn’t exist and

Sometimes life can

feel like a prison

Like oh thats nice just giving your opinion,

Always keep it to myself when I most need to talk to someone else,

Aware nothing’s going to spare

from the turn that’s coming,

How do I return from becoming jaded and overcontemplative, relearn to like everything I’ve hated,

simplify my mind, stop trying to quantify what’s unseen by the eyes, stop wasting my time worried that nobody would truly like or want the real me, stop ruining a good thing, stop ruminating on how I should be,

I swore no more getting lost in my head, now It’s quarter to four and I don’t know where I’ve been, but redicent, not ready to let anyone in, but I don’t really want their medicine, pills to numb everything I’ve ever been,

Because without the memories within, Who would we be then but taken by the wind ,

Is mindlessness the only fix synonymous with happiness, and if that’s accurate, guess I’ll have to stay anonymous after this,

But truth is not real hard to find,

answers often even easier to define,

I can tell because it’s usually whatever it is I don’t like,

Don’t be proficient in giving life advice,

it’s ridiculously easy when you’re on the outside,

but the things that are right are typically difficult to want to hold on to tight,

I don’t know that I believe nearly anything I did all my life,

but know no matter what doctrine I decide, No matter which side I stand on divided, I still find myself guilty and terrified.

6.16

Thought that I could let this go, that it wouldn’t bother me at all, thought I could let it pass by without reply, then I wonder why it keeps coming back up in my mind

I told myself I wasn’t going to get attached, Now I’m the only one that I’m mad at, when I care too much, I’m the one always left with all the love, Why can I never let go, find something that feels like home, and I know it wasn’t realistic, didn’t really change the feeling then did it, am I the only one afflicted with recollection and the memories it brings on that never seem to leave, of things that are no longer but feel they still should be, secrets left unsaid, questions filling up my head, burn the rest of this confession, wish in turn to just forget them,

I feel stupid and so foolish For the things I can’t explain, it’s peculiar how an illusion can sometimes take away the pain,

I know you may have thought I’d say something sooner for sure, guess I was trying to keep but couldn’t find my words, far too busy working to pretend I wasn’t hurt

Because I do recall our agreement and despite it all I never dealt well with leaving, and try as I may I can never erase the feeling,

It pains me comparatively how easily most people seem to forget, so I never really felt like them, when collectively I remember everything from start to end,

I’m beginning to suspect that people don’t feel things the way that I do or expected them to, and it scares me to know but I won’t apologize for being who I was from the get go

There’s a lot more that I would want to say but I guess I’ll have to save it for another day, it wouldn’t fit on this page,

Like how I never told you until today that I always had a way of making sure you were okay, And knew when most days you tried to do the same, Checking in on the few sentences that I used to be able to post, the sound of a notification on my phone that brought a smile to my face whenever I felt alone, which is often,

And You know, I still see you even when you don’t believe I do, And there were times I still needed you even when you didn’t want me to, so yes I understand we’re both busy people who have plans and paths we still have left to take, I guess I just couldn’t let you walk away thinking I forgot or didn’t care the same

And in the case that I don’t really get to speak to you again, I hope that you can remember me the way I was back then, when we were free-er, the path seemed clearer, and all that you held dear felt near, before hope began to disappear and look more similar to fear,

When you warmed up a part of my heart that I couldn’t accept then was so cold, or broke apart some of the ice that had collected in my soul, and I hope you know after all that time I care and can’t forget, when no matter how hard I try you always seems to be somewhere in my head.

6.1

I’ve lived all my life on one of two sides of a swinging pendulum, feeling the entire universe inside and then becoming numb,

Then I thought I felt something that was real, something that could teach me how to feel, different than distant, more than unattached, disconnected, and putting on an act

Too scared to ask the questions constantly staring back

Is something wrong with me that I’ve become so detached

I need distraction when interactions feel as though they happen through glass

So I tell myself I don’t need touch, I don’t need your love, I don’t need anyone, as though my heart were made of stone, no one’s to hold, only my own, and always alone

But now I know

It’s never going to feel right and if it does it’s wrong, and I’ve become so numb, I guess it’s welcome now to real life, the writing was on the wall all along, right when You think you know hurt, and believe in disappointment, you won’t understand the words until they’ve completely destroyed you and everything you know

I run to music for protection, always use it to seek reflection, my replacement for affection, a cheap imitation of our connection, never seeking their acceptance, never fearing their rejection

Know I’m not the only one who feels so alone In a room- in a world full of a million searching souls,

Looking for something to fill that hole, but it never really does though, all in the same vain struggle with the inevitable

It seems really so evident

I’ll never feel whole again

The same old precedent

Say I’m not the only one

Just A scared lost kid

looking for a place that I can run

Aware I have to live with all the damage that’s been done

How did I grow so far away from what I was meant to be

I hope my perception Of eternity doesn’t entirely depend on me

Now I don’t know all along what I was supposed to be, if I’m too far gone or just like everybody

It’s the tendency of this life to chew you up and spit you out until you don’t know why or how to turn around

Like even what for, if there is nothing more, observed it all, stubborn to a fault,

as all those gone before

Unsure what I’m longing for

When it’s so easy to see that nothing in this world is going ease the never ending circling

when everybody’s hurting

Asking, running, searching

Im beginning to assume that every pursuit is just another lesson in what I wish I never knew,

When the fact is the only thing that actually exists is this still surrendered sadness and relationships, every path chosen or taken is only a road back to this-

It’s all a game, all been said and done before,

in the end we are the same, looking for something more

I know I’ve got to stay sober

But only want it to be over

Hit the ground at a thousand miles an hour

And when I come back down, who will be there

Fighting to save the remains of what’s left to hope in, as we all did,

Now I don’t know how to let anyone in, and In the search for imaginary fulfillment

It kills me to have to

admit that I’m the one that’s distant-

and its terrifying to me, am I missing some kind of gene, I realize I can’t feel anymore the things that once made me myself, the things you helped me feel so long ago, as the silence continually separates me from the only one who understands me, now I don’t know what I need,

I convince my heart I don’t need you,

And somehow I lose a part of me too

5.24

God if You’re still up there, I’ve got some things I need to confess, though You and I are both aware, it

May not make any difference, when I’ve lost control again, spiraling out in my head, I can make a mess out of a blessing that you’ve given, when it was never my intention, though they surely leave me guessing, am I concerned with how I’m regressing, now I only ever regret things, but never seem to be forgetting

If I could take my mistakes back for good, You know for a fact that I would, wish that I could be what you wanted on some days

The problem is it simply doesn’t work that way

And I’m sorry

I think about all of the time that I wasted and sometimes I honestly hate me

But there’s none left for tears to be shed

I fear that these feelings won’t disappear or be laid to rest in my chest

until the day I’m finally dead

They say the truth will set me free, but they don’t even truly know me

Because I’ve become what I was terrified to be, and I can’t go back to the hope I had, before I knew too much

You’d think the devil and I were best friends the way he managed to finally get in

And mess with with my perspective

Convince me solutions are subjective

Until the truth only leaves me dejected

And skews all my objectives

Second guessing, self- rejecting

And projecting now

that everyone feels the world just like me

I can tell you now, worth isn’t based upon achievements

And I may say the words but I don’t really believe it,

So obvious it hurts that I’m well beyond my means

Ending right back where I started

Denying that I’m empty hearted

Lying that something could fill that part in, Ive been trying to ignore

Though I swore in my heart and mind that this would be the last time

I would be weak or dismantled beneath the things that I couldn’t handle

that I would throw away my faith for a fake just to make it through another day

But Instead I’ve discarded my entire heart and all I’ve got left are charades

I’ve been feeling heavy hearted with every day I choose to carry on, been trying even harder but to me it’s never enough, I can see now how I was wrong, that I’m the most stubborn person to walk upon this earth

Now If I’m lucky maybe someday I may break even, but if I mess up again I’ll be going to my grave with these sins and regrets still embedded in my skin

Sometimes I’m surprised to even find myself here now, Surmised with how I’ve lived my life that I’d be dead and in the ground, call it a blessed hand of fate some may say, But I gave away my faith in destiny from a young age when I already know the words they’ll say and the solutions that they’ll read, filled with nursery cliches and the resolutions that I need

That don’t keep enough hope in my heart, and though I hear the drugs will tear it apart, neglecting I keep chasing after that same high when I can’t accept living in black and white, Back then I remembered them being bright, the colors that in my eyes have all but died

I hope when finally comes the time that I’ll still remember to hide them away somewhere in my mind.

5.12

Guess it’s time I finally had that honest conversation, too long that I’ve been lying trying to run from confrontation, with you

You’ll never know how much it hurts to try find the words to say, But it only ever grows much worse the more that I evade

But the truth may ruin me too

I hear that God He never make mistakes, but fear I’m the only one He made, mother couldn’t save me, father stopped praying, And the only one I blame

is me

Is it real this time, or just another feeling of an illusory mind, Never could have guessed when I was just a kid, That I’d grow up to be the villain in the end,

Every moment of my life, every voice left inside, Comes right down to this very point in time, Is it really going to be okay

I hope one day

I won’t be so afraid

I was raised with all these verses even had them memorized, Saying God He has a purpose for most every person’s lives

Now I’m not so sure it’s worth or put my faith in what they said, When most days I feel worthless, Failures replay in my head

And I seem to play the act as if I’d say right to Your face You’re wrong, but the actual fact is that I couldn’t even make my case, with all of my emotions raging like the ocean, that my heart still sinks like a stone in, dislocating my devotion, over-contemplating all my motives

God they say that You don’t make mistakes, but I’m afraid that I’m the only one You did make, I keep trying and trying but can’t catch up to my break, I keep on losing track of the path that’s straight, my mind can’t help but question everything we’re supposed to leave alone, Remind myself that’s not helping me but neither is what I was told

I know we’ve been talking for a long, long time, it’s getting harder to believe that you’re still on my side, do you remember her, I’m not so pure anymore, with childish magic in her head, lit lanterns up above the bed, With music in the background, that I wouldn’t understand until now, wish I could go back somehow, before I knew what I know now

When they say we live forever, whether one place or another, and thats a long time when you’ve already discovered, that the time gets at the root and exposes hidden truths, that I’m not what I’m supposed to be, I can’t show you what you want to see or hear, most times wish that I could disappear

They say these are simply lessons and that this is not the end, but my heart never seems to get them and they don’t understand, So I shut my mouth, put my thoughts up in the clouds, buried my heart in the grave and gave up on better days,

Plotting self destruction, Wanting no instruction, thoughts have grown corrupted, Know I’ve got to get above it, But most everything they say merely accelerates my head spinning like a hurricane so fast, I can’t find the words to say, only to react

Working everyday to feel I end in the same place, still running out of pace like a rat trapped in a maze

But if I let up or let go, I’ll lose even more, so I get up to start over, but don’t even know what for

When I think to hide my face in shame, knowing there’s no one else I blame, for my life and every time, I get caught beneath the tide, pulling farther, fighting harder, time crashing overneath, time passing out of reach, I’ve gone beyond what they can teach,

Overtime to change pace, find a way to reframe, formulate a new way to compensate for where I’m at,Though I don’t recognize the face that’s staring back,

They say the truth will set you free, but you don’t even know me,

Say we have to learn these lessons then do our best to stay strong, but what of when you get them and there’s no reasons left to move on

Then insist that love would be the answer, but it’s not what they depict, say somebody must be out there, but I’m not sure that love exists

But God he carves the rivers to which ever such direction he pleases, which kind of made me assume he could figure out and direct me then, they told me as a kid that no one can truly thwart God’s plans, but I’m always worried I’ll do it on accident, like how big and all knowing can You be, if You knew all along that I would say these things?