5.21 free write- Reasons

My body is broken and old before it’s time

All my faith has today run dry

I once was a child

But now I’m just alone

And no one knows the reasons I hold
Been so many places

Tried so many times

Remember a thousand faces

All I’ve left behind

I’ve always come and gone

But I don’t know if this one

I can come back from
The impossible’s before me

And my hope is gone

The fire’s at my back

And I’m about to jump

God please catch me

And forgive me what I’ve done

But no one beside me can feel these reasons
Every day it’s a little more weight

And my bones already crumble and break

I cant feel anything but pain

And I don’t believe they understand

I don’t believe you’ve seen what I have
Been so many places

Tried so many times

Remember a thousand faces

All I’ve left behind

I’ve always come and gone

But don’t know if this one 

I will come back from
The impossible’s before me

And my hope is gone

The fire’s at my back

And I’m about to jump

God please catch me

And forgive me what I’ve done

But no one beside me can feel these Reasons.

5.20 free write

It’s on my mind and in my mind from the first thought when I awaken to the last moment before the sedatives kick in to draw me to a fitful sleep. Most of the time the gnawing is there too, as some dark entity bent on not my destruction- as it very well knows I crave- but my torment. They say I should not be overtaken by this constant suffocation, and I am not by the account of mechanical compliance and routine. Company in this midst is a futile endeavor.  But I still hear it and feel it every second in between. Nothing can drown out the screaming fact in my head that it’s been another few years since I set out on another vain quest to find a new bandaid for my gunshot wound, or something to serve as a replacement for coping mechanisms cruelly rendered useless by the penetrating eyes of time. By which every safe place, every drug, and every blood sacrifice expires in its use and I stand where I started years ago, but with extra burdens that all add up in a manner I cannot- nor care to articulate to anyone at all. 

Everyone says there’s no such thing as a problem without answers- even if the answer lies in the serenity of acceptance and a kind of denial. Yet for a struggle I’ve heard not another having dealt with, I have tried and done to such extreme lengths what no other I have ever heard has done. But it fails and fails again, and laden in so much shame I could never tell anyone the true depths to which this problem lies as a slow death sentence to me only metaphorically and spiritually, for I was not granted the favor of death- though against all odds, few can explain how I still stand having foolishly put myself through such rigorous abuse in my pursuit of relief for solely the present day. I have become what I never could have imagined, compromised in the ways I thought was only of the weakest, most ignoble souls, and have accumulated the ever increasing debt of my decisions I thought were best at the time.

They say I am had by a devil, but I don’t know how much it really concerns me in the given circumstances. I neither believe the lies of shadows that death is the end of this suffering; even I know better. That would be far too easy. Angels and demons, but I know only one and of which is no light felt. Thousands of swift years and they’ve all plenty knowledge of feeling trapped as well- this we share in common perhaps. For it most often has appeared that the laws of nature have bent themselves to oppose against all reason. 

Thusly, In the time between reconciling all of these; I leave my marks, never in knowledge of if I will return.

5.19

We all have that 

Someone somewhere something

We always seem to be chasing around

Even if only in our heads

It’s so hard to forget about

Where you felt you belonged

Where you thought you were wanted

Or had found something you did

I’m wasting my moments

Stuck in the past

Paying and replaying

What never lasts

All I want in this life is to just be still and know

That there is a way, that there is still hope
I once thought I knew what was right or meant to be

That I had a place to feel, be free; at least taste happy

But it’s all so deceptive

a matter of perspective

How do they manage

To feign care for what’s subjective

How does one keep at playing the game

When it’s fruitless, fucking useless, and all decaying

You were right- it’s like chasing a ghost

Who can never be but a memory

And I it’s longing host
Everytime I think I may have found an answer

Anything to try and cure this kind of cancer

It’s cost is too high in consequence 

And I’m left with another thorn in the end

When all I wanted

To feel something new, to change my hand

But I’ve gone and fucked up again, and bad

And ended up losing 

Everything I thought I had

But by the time I open my eyes

I’ve destroyed my life

And dismantled my chances
I’m not trying to be arrogant

But don’t think they understand

Or that anyone really can

Anyone but themself

I don’t think you really know me that well

But I can’t find the words to explain

When in this hurt there’s nothing I can say 

Because the problem has just become too old

And all that I’ve done- was all mechanical. 

5.14


They throw these words around so goddamn easily

I don’t think they know about what it even means

Are you standing on a street corner now

Not remembering at all

How it came about

Or where you are

After driving in the dark

You can’t take a breath

And holding on so tight

Just to draw one more in your chest

But then you lose your eyesight

How can you fight

How will you ever get home now

But nowhere’s home, you’re by yourself

Just wanting to stay on the ground

But you’re floating up and looking down now

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be saved

But you can’t let yourself

Need anyone or thing

When you’ve gotten so far away

And can’t find reality

Someone’s lips are moving

But you can’t hear anything

Longing just to feel

But floating too surreal

The terror and pain inescapable at your heels

Just wanting to be touched

Just wanting to be loved

But no one can make you whole

Because you’ve lost your fucking soul

We throw these words around

And I know we’re lonely now

But how can one get out

When no one can pull you back down?

5.13

Everything’s more fucked up than it seems

Words never near enough to explain anything

The devil has me in hand again

Have you ever seen God in it

Everything’s more empty than it looks

Everyone so distant and can’t say what I should

Have you ever been to hell, this week

From the back of your skull where it carries

Have you ever been so thirsty but cannot take a drop

Have you ever seen 

Tell me, where did you find God 

With eyes sewn shut

Have you ever for long stood so still

You see the dark man at the window sill

You held my hand once

But I can’t keep my balance

Have you ever slept with hell

So dark in the corners of this cell

Felt your heart slip from your chest 

bones separate from the sinew and flesh

Have you ever had the ground’s deep waters

But run for days only to find rotten cisterns

Standing in a circle clear

where no one knows that I’m here

With skin so thin

That It always seems to gets back in

I can’t see, you can’t understand it

And we wander

Have you ever seen God here

I would meet Him anywhere

Have you ever been to hell, this week

I’m standing in this circle clearing

There’s a devil and a scream that I keep hearing

This is all I’ve got

Tell me, have you seen God?

Too Much Time


Every day is the same

There’s nothing I can say

I hate to complain

But nothing fortunate feels the same

When my fractured insides died

And there’s nothing left but the time

Waiting for someone to burn the ashes remaining away
So be careful what you wish for 

When there’s not much left

Depending on the answer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That a fool prayed to leave behind

Now all that’s left is

Too much time
I’ve had an attitude that’s bad enough  I know

But really I’m just all used up and alone

Can we start again

I didn’t mean the things I said

You never can get used to it

Waiting for anyone to use the ending
So be careful what you wish for 

When there’s not much left

Once you’ve caught the cancer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That you tried to leave behind

Now all that’s left

Is too much time.
How did we get here

Making nothing that’s left clear

How did I end up this way

With no truth that I can bring myself to say

Who will ever know

Who will ever see 

The hardest pill to swallow

-The real story?
So be careful what you wish for

When there’s nothing left

Once you’ve caught the cancer

It’s so easy to suggest

Where is the death

That we prayed to leave behind

Now all that’s left of you and I

Is too much time. 

3. 22 Free Write

Little girl with the weight and Darkness of this world whole

You don’t fool me, for I too 

Know so well

Who can hold this for a moment aware?

Only a moment I wish I could share

And everyone’s trying to give away pain

As though it were not theirs to bear

That’s not what I’m asking for

Because I’m not a child anymore

Little boy with the weight and Darkness of this world whole

I don’t fool you do I? For surely you too know

Who can hold this for just a moment, aware?

It’s only a moment you wish you could share

And everyone’s trying to get something

But I don’t blame them for it

I can handle

I am aware

That it’s only for a moment we wish we could share. 

****

I shouldn’t be sleeping because they are too

I shouldn’t be escaping because they try too

think we can get away

But we live inside with them 

Inundated with voices that start to sound like our own

I can’t tell the difference
But I raise my cry to God on High above me

Against the vile acts that I hear the whispers promise 

Mankind has not Seen. 

But I think he mistook me for one of them

Maybe I was all along

Because my words are garbled and my voice fading away 

My body trembles and disintegrates

To just a single cord of red

And I am alone 

In the oppressive depths 

of hell again
A shrill cry pierces the sweltering darkness 

with a single red light in the distrance

Reach for it but it will never save you

There’s nothing else because god doesn’t hear you

The heat is too heavy

The burden on your chest

The weight about my neck

It never goes away 

Not for a second

But Take for it again

Does your god sympathize with you now?
I should be trying because they do too

It’s like they know

That their time is growing thin

They can’t tear it away

We can’t escape this time
I raise my cry to God on High above me

Against the vile acts that I hear the whispers promise 

Mankind has not Heard. 

But I think he mistook me for one of them

Maybe I was all along

Because my words are distorted and my voice fades 

My body trembles and disintegrates away

To just a single cord of red

And then we are alone

But each to our own death
You should know of all people 

That this is a war 

With a leaden price to pay for your soul

Have you forgotten how to wage

When you were denied control

But the controls are now all too dulled

It never goes away

Once I lost my hold

Amidst it’s torments
I raised my cry to God on High above again

But I think He’s condemned me

As one of them. 

You think you’ve tasted torment and sorrow-

But Mankind has not Known. 

Not yet.  

It’s burning my skin
I try to cover my eyes again.