Free Write 12.17

All I behold are faces all around and eyes I can’t recognize, Terrified now to have found that the eyes staring back are mine
Hardened and sobered by the attrition of time and revelations I wish I could erase from my mind
So am I a revenant soul, standing alone in asking why- what is the purpose to which we must continually strive to grow until the very last moment of our lives
As if strength were some form of reward, when all it truly is is the means to get to the end of the story so we can rewind to better days
Strength can seem the capability to carry the weight of the world without letting on so
To what gain is the show of not being so devastated by the impact of the collapse of the hopes we had built up in our minds only to fall from higher heights
When all life gives you to hold onto is letting go
Where is the story, the synchronicity I used to see
Where is the revelation of the tapestry they’re always claiming our broken lives are sacrificed to compose
I am living despite what should have killed me, and I climbed to etheric heights beyond low expectations that have no fulfilling
Only to be forsaken by the skies and cast as Icarus back to the inescapable dirt of both life’s origin and demise, all to end up feeling farther behind
To which I ask to what end is fortitude gained or dogmatic self help advice liberally applied
that offers no real hope in this life
save for numbing yourself until you no longer even feel alive
And it’s exactly what I find
upset at the injustices you can’t control or heal
until you get upset at nothing at all, for according to most everyone you can ultimately control nothing
I set out on a journey to prove myself wrong, to find alleviation for what deep down I believed all along
I set out to chase dreams and open myself to the world that I found so plain and predictable
But found that there is no less emptiness far out there than near, amidst an ever present illusion of something missing here, but the only things that ever filled in recollection I begin to question if it wasn’t a lie as well
All that you’ve known balancing out of favor upon a precipice of harrowing ramifications
For the peace of my soul, for all that ever seemed to matter at all, now far less than I would have thought, I thought those hopes and dreams that continue to haunt had some measure of truth in them
But now again would have much put them down to simply illusion, memories that keep repeating, attempting to draw me in to believing that they really meant something
Reminding me of the undeniably growing fear every moment of breath, that I’ll never find what I saw in those dreams that I prayed never to forget
I just wanted to feel something real before I died
Now it seems revealed that I’ll forever be chasing after a ghost- the truth ever gaping with the time that goes
And the knowing necessitates a change of perspective, but never any closure and the change is only subjective
And I confess that it’s not enough for me anymore, I could not stay the same or return to the same as before
That point in time, now that everything is so much more real, faced with the reality that some wounds never truly heal
How did I miss the signs, I didn’t know they were for me, when did I lose track of that precarious moment my heart began to slip back
Into the hands of make believe, an unseen anomaly, a love that never alighted, an untamed burning fire, but I couldn’t smell the smoke
Was it real, was it only in my mind, ever pulling me away from the life I’ve denied to admit didn’t mean what I thought it did, Nothing makes me feel anymore, only unanswered questions and closing doors
Wish I could say that I had the kind of nobility to rebuild it all like then, that I knew where my heart was to dig it back up again
But motives speak now and then in their own languages- is there’s nothing at this journey’s end?
We are in the midst of these changing storms surrounding within, with no choice and no voice, only it’s not the storms that are shifting, its us.
But If you let go of everything and everyone, where do you go?
I’ve given up on life where there used to be a flame though
These words were adorned in red when we met, back when life still had some passion in it
but now glancing back in circles, I used to wonder where our hearts would land
Now it only hurts to know how the stories end
For there was a wolf that broke in and tore through my skin, stole all my hope and destroyed innocence, what is there left of what was, Nothing I can see but blood on its paws and my bleeding words in it’s jaws
As I fear we will never be the same again or never recognize any of the places that we’ve been, that you won’t remember my name or face within the silence that tries to take us all
Will I pull through and find something new to pursue and chase
Or is this the final fall from grace.

8.18

Wish that I didn’t always feel so conflicted within
A battlefield I fear that there is no win
And the present situation seems to be getting more dim
Despite punching out the windows
just trying to let some light in
Think I’ve got my mind made up, that I finally see a ray of sun
Resolve for a minute, Next day my conviction’s gone
I’ve been passively living in a perpetual division
Is there actually no real correct decision
Or if there is, would I really even care to be informed
Searching for sign of a hope I’m scared doesn’t exist anymore
As I’m holding my breath, questioning every step
Second guessing my path
Do I go right or stay left
The evident truth and I locked in a match
As Im wrestling to the death
Trying to battle my way back again
Voices multiplying filling up my head
With loaded suggestions
It shows I’ve been regressing
As if I don’t Know it
That I can’t locate my Focus
Will the world out there ever stop pressing in on me
Infecting with heavy care of the same precedented disease
Or will I be scared and restless as this for the rest of eternity
Reconsidering all I’ve believed on continual repeat
Will I create a means to make peace if it turns out to be
My purpose remains still so uncertain to me
Are my efforts concerted enough to bring the turn that I need
Will giving my best ever measure up
Am I being tested or did I mess my life up
I just want myself back and a world that I recognize
the person I had and been for all my life
Not just what they taught to me
God on high there’s got to be
something
How can the right thing feel so wrong
And I can’t take a deep breath
how can the straight path leave me feeling so off and empty in my chest
What is it that has to be done, to feel like me again
to get rid of the numb, don’t know where the hell I’ve been
Passion gone missing in an apathetic prison
I’ve too long been stranded and just running with the crowd
I can’t fucking stand it I just want to get out
Find a high place to run at my own pace rediscover my faith
In some place other than the black abyss
Never hated it more down here in the darkness
I just swallow the fear and suppress all my emotions
praying for something to be clear amidst a mess of endless motions
God I’ve gotta break through
But I don’t know what else to do
At the end of my rope while watching everything around
seems like I’m always alone when the terror surrounds and then comes crashing down
On me
remind me that my heart still beats
before it kills me
But everything real feels
the next agonizing pill
Is every necessary attenuation
Only the very next change To try not to hate
And Realization
that’ll keep me up at night in new ways
haven’t gotten much shut eye in a few days
Which dragged on into weeks and then months
Why Is it sadness and peace seem synonymous
Will I have to give up and quit
Simply stop with being honest
Will I be choked out and sickened by
this Silence of pretense
I’d rather hold my ground and go down swinging and screaming
This won’t be my end
Maybe I’ll never really get rid of this anxious feeling in my gut and chest again
Maybe life was always only found in death
And There’s Such a big part of me that’s already dead
Maybe we’re never really ready
so tell me God
Where are we going next?

8.1 free write

Been trapped living on the edge of a knife, Seems that the only decision is a kind of death or Die
When it feels like there will be no getting out Alive
Not the same person that I was before, Afraid I’ve become a monster of some form
don’t know what to do but to say Your name out loud
If There ever was a day I’ve needed You
Jesus it’s now
As my universe feels like it’s crumbling all around
You say it’ll be OK but why does it get harder to believe every passing day
Have I lost my faith
Even the hope for a love that could mean something to me
seems so far away it’s barely even a memory
I don’t know what I want, don’t know where I belong I would ask where exactly did I go wrong but would I really want to know
We always keep moving forward because we don’t really have a choice
Fight not to be bitter for it but seems every turn of the story merely disappoints
I feel like everything I’ve tried so hard to protect has been torn right out of my chest and replaced with this awful empty bitterness
Jesus please hold on to me, to the spirit that I’ve misplaced
In a world I can’t escape I keep on burying away
the heart I need to be me but can never keep safe
So hold onto me and don’t let me go when I can feel myself slipping away
honestly it’s getting harder to see where this is all going
All my life they’ve told me You’re always on my side, but I feel if you knew my secret battles You might change Your mind
Most days it’s felt like you’re all I’ve ever had, because I know people just don’t understand
kind of hard to see eye to eye when we all have our own lives inside our minds
Why is it when I try to find the words to say I just sit there in silence as if I can’t explain
All these problems I can’t fix but can’t efface or leave behind
It’s all so fucked up and I can’t erase these lines
But if i try to talk about it a panic riots inside
How can 1000 thoughts and feelings scream so loud
but when it come to revealing, words just don’t come out
Sentences always seemed so weak and in vain
but they’re all that we’ve got
While waiting here in between
The life we used to have, who we used to be, and the reality now
we can’t escape, it comes crashing down everyday
Words just barely scratch the surface and right now aloud they sound so worthless
When I know this, I’ve rehearsed it, all the verses heard in churches
Seems like nothing is working and the one thing for certain is everything hurting and my heart’s grown too heavily laden with burden
Because scholarly comprehension is no comfort or friend
wish I could reverse nearly all the knowledge I’ve procured upon the earth
Unlearn and somehow return
Erase my memory so I could maintain the belief there’s a life I could work to create
where not everything has to hurt, not everything is made to break
But I can’t find a truth these days that doesn’t immerse my soul in a new kind of pain
A stone dry desert rarely renewed by soothing rain
Because something in me died that day
A part of me died that night
The moment a thousand shards of truth shattered everything I’ve held onto in life
And I hate how people talk like that’s a great thing
to be devastated by such a painful sting
So most of the time lately I can’t feel anything
but this fear that’s always talking in my ear And I’m trying to stop listening
But it’s mostly all that I can hear
Now whenever I have an emotion, I just push it back down
pretend not to notice the colors fading into the background
negative emotions I ignore and repress
Tell myself my feelings don’t matter
until I have another breakdown and put my fists through the mirror as it shatters
Just throw my feelings in the trash bin then wonder why my mind is such a fucking mess
continue to speculate as to why I have no peace inside
Afraid that the only time I feel better is when I’m believing a lie
And In the fleeting moments of clarity between trying to keep my head above the waves of chaos and despair I see
it’s so scary to me to see the severity of just how far away I’ve drifted from the world I need
And the disparity between who I am now and who I used to be
and how numb I’ve become to everyone
And everything that once mattered to me
It’s so funny I bet everyone thinks I’m doing fine, but truth be told I’ve never felt so close to suicide
Seems like everything I do or try
just falls through and breaks
then merely for ironies sake rises back from the dead just to blow up in my face
So It’s no big secret I don’t really know how to appeal or relate
to the world outside
when I feel like I never really had a normal life
What it’s been like would be kind of difficult to explain
to anybody who even cared to listen a little bit
because no one was there For most of it
I’m really starting to reflect back at my past and wonder what I could’ve done different
But I guess it’s pointless to ask
When it probably wouldn’t make a difference
So I’m sorry that I let You down
I let me down too
I keep searching for the details to try and talk all of this out but they just get lost in the screaming static of the background
And I don’t really want to let go this time because I’m tired of changing.

5.6

You met me in a state that I never should’ve been
Raging angry misfit
my head already caving in again
Never should’ve opened up or let anyone in
selling my own heart again with every inch of skin
Because it’s hard to wrap my soul around what little there is left
how can you be so cold
when I felt it beating in your chest

You said
“Don’t lose yourself in a world that’s bound to use and sell you
Well
I’d lie that I could help
Just let me break you in first”

Was anything you said true
Or used on everyone you knew
Sycophantic
I won’t stand it
Push me to the edge again
Just make sure you understand
We’re not the same kind in the end
Not a speck of you on my skin
Just a mistake I won’t make again

I wish that I could say I feel surprised
but I’ve reached a new place of numb inside
I’m trying to compensate for something I can’t hide
I would use you all the same
But I’m just a nameless face in your eyes

I’m not an animal
I’m so much more
I’m not an animal
Heart mind spirit scars soul
You’re not an animal
But you’re crawling on all four
You’re not an animal
So what are you selling yourself for

It makes sense that
abused becomes abuser
You’re just another user
I know your kind
dozen a dime
I’ll have you drawn and
outlined
Say that you’re here to help me learn
But listen clear it’s my turn
You say I’m jaded, I wonder why
With people like you to prove me right
Every day

I guess everything they said’s true
You’re all the same it’s nothing new
Sycophantic, one night stand- in
But I can’t feel a damn thing
Deceive me just to stay the night
And leave before the daylight
Good luck explaining this one to your girlfriend
The one you told me about after you played me for the weekend
So good riddance I hope you had your fun
Because I’m not your fucking toy
I’m a loaded gun

Wish that I could say I ever feel surprised
But I’ve reached a new level of numb inside
In a world so unbearably dumb, cut and dry
Nothing ever matters
You don’t care about me
And that’s fucking fine
Because
I’m not an animal
I’m so much more
I’m not an animal
Heart mind spirit scars soul
You’re not an animal
But you’re crawling on all four
You’re not an animal
So what are you selling yourself for

I never should have trusted anyone
Now there’s just one thing left to do
When I keep setting my bar lower and lower
But you hit your head hard drunk or sober
I’m not buying all the sweet talk and bullshit that you fed
You had your shot and missed me
Your whiskey only mixes with regret
A thousand lines I’ve left unsaid- But like everything else- it doesn’t matter at all
So thanks for nothing asshole.

5.10 free write

You say go, don’t know where to though, that they’re waiting for me to show, but who though? The wind is sweeping me away, and inside never a place so vacant and grey, but being alone in a crowd is worse than being on your own now

I can feel this place has grown empty, silence traps my ears as a new ending descends, and strength to face an impending beginning again, as I search the faces through every crowd, but still you are nowhere to be found

The heavens claim that its true, but what of if I find you, I’ve seen how it goes, comes and goes as soon as it’s low, they don’t think it exists, because too few know what love is, and I wonder if I’ll be one to find the courage

Come full circle, nothing will make you whole, spend your whole life looking for the next open door, but tell me what are you really searching for? We all have broken hearts inside, or patching them up with the best looking lie

Like it’s never enough, and you’re not the only one, though I know that never made it feel any better to repeat the same obvious dogmatic letters, and they say go, but where to though

When will I truly understand, get out of my own way, translate from head to heart to hand, pull the melody from out of my soul, the one that’s been so heavy and boring this great big hole

When the words don’t ebb and flow the same, the ones I need caught in a web of shame, but we’ll always be alone if we can’t find them to say, God grant me the courage to say them anyway

And to go, though I don’t know, concerned I won’t care, and words suspend worthless in the air.

4.29 free write

I keep on holding my breath just to keep the tears away, no word, no sound, no truth, only lies now, tripped up once and falling on the ground

I’ve been pretending for so long though, the only evidence of the truth are the songs on the radio, don’t think I’ll ever know another, maybe we don’t even really know each other

But it comes as no surprise, seems most of us are locked up in our own minds, it’s okay if you don’t want to look at the truth, I don’t want to right along with you

I know we are all crazy in our own ways, I just don’t want you to see, want to be alone today, but we are all hiding our something, but how far does it have to go before we cut our ties with all the lies of a better time

Tomorrow’s past is growing cold, today’s the last chance of a miracle, went all the way out there just to find that we are all scared, now I can’t help thinking maybe it is better to just believe whichever lie makes you feel alive again, tell me real hope didn’t just die, right along with what’s been lost inside

See me today and I’m not sure that I could tell you the difference either, but we do know something’s changed, and today will probably never go away, But hate to admit that I am more afraid

I’m just not convinced which is the truth or a lie that I’ve sold, and now the only evidence I find are the songs on the radio, and I’m holding my breath again.

4.28 free write

Thought that I knew what I was supposed to do, but just can’t seem to find the words to, trying to hear what’s the next move, but I’ve never felt so far away from You

But I know that You are here, holding me up and counting my fears, but all I can hold is my breath from here, show me where to go next, though I don’t know if I’ve the strength left

Never thought I’d get this far, but neither thought it would be so hard, just when I think I know, there’s nowhere left to even go

What is it I’m still searching for, in this world of so much nothing more, speak all the words in all the world and still feel alone, I know You are all I really need, so why do I still feel so hungry?

I know You hear all these thoughts so faded, and the silence that’s singing me to sleep now, maybe if I can write them down in these spaces, I’ll find a way to say them somehow

Im struggling to recognize amidst the sea of voices, when I fuck it all up given my own choices, I’m not hoping, but keep on going, of no reason I can see, a common thing of such familiarity

Ever scratching right beneath the skin, push it back down just to breathe in, we all have a silent scream trapped inside, as a distraction, part of the divide

I don’t really care for make believe games anymore, can’t even seem to find a conversation not so vapid and bored, so what is it I’m still searching for, in this world of so much nothing more, speak all the words in all the world and still feel alone, I know there’s nothing more I really need, so why do I still feel so hungry?

4.18

Child of the Devil, blind where I’m headed, yeah I’ll give you the second, but now in hurt my mind is on fire, all these words so long I’ve held inside

You say I’ve got to learn to use some of this anger that I can, all that I’ve got when it seems no one understands, criticize everything I do and all I am, while I’m trying so hard just to appease you, too tired to gain the upper hand

Seems I know exactly where I belong, hiding right beneath and all alone, pick me apart and watch me fall, but now I can see you never knew my heart at all

Sorry that I can’t be like you, I don’t know how to forget, how to feel what you say is the truth, but unconventionality permissible too, but only when most convenient to you

I don’t believe anymore, tomorrow’s gone too far, only further into the nightmare, so let’s erase the middle and burn out at the start

Now I know right where I belong, beneath everything you deny to keep the fear from rising, I remain one to the end of time.

The Lesser Darkness p.3-4

p.3

I stood up, dusted myself off, and momentarily studied the puddle of blood mixing down into the earth. Reassessing my surroundings, the tunnel was gone- no ledge, no walls or gravel- but had been replaced by raw mountainside as ancient, gnarled oak trees sprawled across the formerly desecrated terrain. I found myself standing in a fluorescent green moss that suggested having been undisturbed for some time before I came along to ruin its isolated peace. The sky was a dark, inky grey, clinging to the foggy groundcover.                               The Winds had kicked up again in still yet another black, suffocating, deafeningly silent day in the Valley of The Winds.

I’ve no conscious idea of why I had remained in this valley for so long. I guess I never had a good enough reason to leave. Given that it’s completely hemmed in by mountains on every side, the black clouds always settle here, and stay- sometimes for weeks without cessation. It would obviously be no place for a person of similar disposition to live; but perhaps I find a sunny day irritatingly disattuned to how the world has long looked through my eyes- that perhaps the weather can be disconsolate for me, so that I’m not invariably the one bearing the collective weight of the knowledge the years have bestowed upon me.

Save for the familiar crags of the mountain ever looming overhead, everything around had entirely changed, and it was with great difficulty that I could gain any bearing for which projected direction I should head. I was sure I knew where I was when I passed by the rock caves where we used to play, but at the point I then expected to find the parking lot’s break in the trees, the foliage and foreign treeline only carried on. Holy hell. Given this, I was led to believe that this time I’d gone backwards- precisely what I tried to avoid ever doing- in any form in my life. Regardless, this had never happened before, because Time always ran linearly, right?

Additionally, I seemed to always start off roughly the same age- had that changed as well? There was nothing I could catch my reflection in, but briefly examining the matter, I concluded that to be a constant. I felt perhaps a bit shorter, but that was all I could immediately notice in regards to any physical changes. I observed a lock of hair in the dim light. It appeared that my long red hair was now black.

A medium had once told me that I could only try to throw my present life away so many times before I either reincarnated as a rodent in the dust of Mumbai, or my wandering fuckup of a soul would catch some other karmic retribution. Likely however it would be that I could no longer outrun the lessons I could never seem to learn, not to the liking of whatever held me here. Karma had sure been a bitch already, though I never concluded which sins I was paying for. Other than a personally insatiable death wish, I had always stuck to the “saintly” side of things in regards to my treatment of others; Though I suppose any god might be perfectly just in their subjective opinion.

I had been essentially tricked into even consulting this self- proclaimed psychic in the first place, and thusly discarded most that she had said as a fanciful lie to catch a pretty penny. Now I was sorry I hadn’t paid closer attention, or at least written it down for kicks.

p.4

I scoured the corners of my mind for anything else she had said. Much to my surprise, concertedly thinking about it brought back more than I had expected to remember. One thing that never changed despite all I remember seeing- I’d always been a skeptic until proven otherwise, and rightfully so, because I’d seen firsthand that people deserve to start out in the negative.

Yet somehow throughout the ages I had often ended up in the company of various kinds of mages- whether they were called witches, mediums, psychics, or what the twenty-first century’s New Age “awakening” eventually deemed an Intuitive- they had all always told me the same things, of which I still had paid no mind to, for all that it mattered to me at the time. More than a few of said Intuitives had told me that I had another past life of which I did not consciously remember. The past life part was obviously of no surprise to me, as neither was not remembering some blurred details or periods of time.

Some things got lost in the transference altogether, while other events always remained crystal clear in recollection through it all. Every once in a while I would recognize a missing part by the vague, inexplicable knowing feeling I would often get with people, places, objects, or events. Not recalling an entire lifetime however, was of surprise.

These people had each only briefly glossed over the details of its relevance, recounting something about being a “warrior” who had spent most of my life alone, wandering the mountains for unspecified reason, wielding nothing but some type of lame- sounding spear. Wandering for nothing, looking for and fighting for something I could never be sure of- much less remember. I guess I had never thought about it again since. It sounded like some fantastical bullshit. I had to stop and laugh at myself, because then again, I supposou some people must have thought the same thing of my much larger, reluctant confessions- resulting in my being thrown in the Looney bin, again.

Yet if it were so- It must have been too long a time ago to remember, considering that time had never ceased to progress in its traditional order, before now. This time around sure didn’t look like anything along the lines of being any warrior- quite far from it in ripped black cargo shorts, an equivocally ragged black tee, and somber disposition. Was it supposed to be some kind of a patronizing, symbolic jab?

It then crossed my mind that perhaps I had actually gone forward– but pondering that quickly brought me to question that any amount of time or magic could refill the train tunnel that had been bored through the mountain. I realized that I was sure wasting my time musing about something of little relevance to the fact that I now had no idea how far from food, water, or shelter I found myself. The violent 50 mile-per-hour winds had blown a chill right through my thoughts, and my bones.

I had long been accustomed to being both cold and hungry- nearly numb to it- but not to its eventual effects. It had already been nearly a day since I’d had anything to eat when I decided to just head to my favorite place, where I knew I could clear my head for a while. After all, there’s nothing quite like jumping in front of a train to clear your head. I briefly felt a twinge of guilt, hoping that it had only been a cargo train.  I’d always been on the lean side, so it never took long for me to start to feel the ache of my body eating itself- and it had already begun to threaten with the pain and tension impeding every muscle. I guess all the time I’d already spent starving out in what I was reluctant to call mountains would finally pay off as being customary. My body had clearly already become a few degrees hypothermic again- a state I regularly sustained for long periods of time. The fog in my head however was always much thicker than that shrouding my vision- and exceedingly more mentally challenging to press through.

3.7 free write

I dream of a place where we could fly away, above the endless toil and outrun this decay, where you could open your heart up again inside, then you would feel me by your side

Are you so ready to be gone, gone with me right along, if only you could have known my heart, but love it’s growing far too dark

How can you not see, there is no morning, and I wouldn’t want to live forever, all I really wanted, it’s now or it’s never

It’s no secret that I care for this place no more, there is nothing here but one last lonely closing door, so I raise my voice with all that’s left alive in me, and ask, can you feel the time retreating

Are you not ready to be gone, in dreams that fade right along with me, because I am so ready, if only you could have known my heart, but love I fear is growing far too dark

How can you not see, there is no morning, and I wouldn’t want to live forever, all I really wanted, it’s now or it’s never

If I unstitched my heart, lying at the cross of all roads gone dark, all I really wanted was…

3.5

Here I am still with you after it all, where we should say what we ought to and let the tears fall, so long and so far I ran from the path before me, sought to close up my heart just to stop from bleeding

In this cruel place where love is forsaken, with few to no answers when left in its wake, they say when one road ends another one begins, but didn’t know back then that nobody wins

I try to cover up my face when I can’t face the truth today, we came all this way just to lose everything, now it’s too late for regrets, we can’t go back when the past is dead, can’t barter our way out, in over our heads

Feels like I’ve been waiting my entire life for this time, now I cant close my eyes, will it ever be alright again, and I know you can feel it too my friend, now let our destinies lead us on to the end

Strength hastened to that day, I know we can’t go back, but I’m sorry I’m afraid.

2.21 free write

Here I am on my own, though I know I’m not the only one who feels so alone, with all of these questions eating at my mind, like why am I still alive when I tried so hard to die

And the silence it screams nothing right back at me

Don’t know where to go from here, all I can see, hear, or feel is fear, seems I’ve already gone and died, only my body’s been left behind, find the strength any way it takes, but I’ve lost my faith in better days

Throwing down any pills it takes, don’t care if it kills me today, I can’t justify any more all of this misery and pain, I’ve got to take my place and make a name to burn out to my end

Was my destiny sealed when I couldn’t find a way to sufficiently heal, and all of these answers scream back at me in the silence whom I know

Don’t know where to go from here, all I can see, hear, or feel is fear, seems I’ve already gone and died, only my body’s been left behind, find the strength any way it takes, but I’ve lost my faith in better days

Everyday I wonder when I became the stranger standing in place of my reflection, but a changed mind cannot be unbent, and never going back is the hardest lesson

I died when I opened my eyes, terrified that we’ll never be okay again, even though I know that’s life, and now I’m too angry to find the words to say to the only one left in the silence.

2.7 free write

I’m keeping back the words because I’m afraid of getting hurt, when perhaps I should’ve said fuck you from the very first accuser, who’s reading this anyhow, we’ve all grown up and point our fingers now

I won’t be cut back down like I’m fourteen years old again, I dug my way up out and don’t have to keep up with pretense, don’t make this a numbers game, been there done that, a formula built to fail, why should I be so motivated to change if the the other side tastes as ill

I’m trying to get my eyes off the endless fear and compromise, there is no striking balance, I’m here and not afraid to die, I don’t need any more correction, my conscience won’t let me sleep and it’s enough to garner direction

I just needed someone to sit down and talk to me, look me in the eye like a human being, without salting the wounds, because you don’t need to as I already do it, if you think I don’t have enough guilt to push me through- I put it on myself, even knowing it’s a tool that only freezes you

Useless to anyone else when ensuing shame tempts me to hide myself, but I take the responsibility and can’t be deluded from its futility, and you know what the scariest part of being honest about it is, I’m no longer sure I even really want to change this

Not when something inside reaches out to cripple before I even try, just fighting myself every step from the sidelines, continually challenging everything I am to get to a place I don’t even want to be, no more excuses no more wasting time or being afraid of honesty

But it would be better to just keep my mouth shut, when nothing worth saving comes out of the truth that I hole up, too bad no one knows the truth because no one ever got that close to me, feels like going fucking insane and on the verge of apostasy

Don’t know if it’s true that we are our own saviors, I’m sure not standing around waiting for any takers, there’s nothing they haven’t said before, and on the cliches- still got plenty more

But here I am again, ready to pull out my skeletons and confess to who I am, talk about love and talk about peace, but I won’t understand until I can see, I didn’t mean to throw it all away, and now the person in the mirror has become a stranger

Another shifting face that I can’t recognize, is it too late to turn around my demise, look what I’ve done, what I ran for a year to try to get away from

Show me if there’s anything left, moving on to the next life or moving on to death, slipped up and fell back, I want to give up every time I relapse

I’m on a path and headed for destruction, the worst part’s that I don’t know I give a fuck about it, and I know that I’m wrong, but don’t know where this is coming from, maybe it should be easier to trust someone but I only seem to end up feeling like the villain, and then frustration’s the only language these days I know how to speak with this tongue.

2.2

Having come nearly full circle, having walked these lessons, now that wisdom makes us older, having paid the consequences, I leave this now empty room and learn to walk away, tell me, do we ever truly change?

I carry on as every other fate, in the never ending flight amidst the winds of change, bittersweet wars we lost and we gained, don’t know where I’m going and so much there shall be no knowing, but how I wish to lie and say that I am not afraid.

1.20 free write

All I want is for this to stop, to just get off of this rollercoaster that I call a life, the screaming is so real and hearing everything else too, I can’t shut it out, but I shut everyone else out when it’s all too loud

Now my friends are all too busy for me, no they don’t come around anymore, when I’ve never needed someone more, oh God I don’t want to feel so alone, but it’s all I’ve ever known

Thoughts race in, in all different shapes and I hate them, I can’t shut them down, I take my next breath and rub my blurry eyes, but I can’t make them see again, I can’t make this moon recognize me as a friend

But I could stare in the night for hours on end, just to try and feel anything other than what it is, so I run as far as I can, but feels like my bones too are made of this glass

God I tried so hard to be a part of the world, I didn’t want to be that girl, please just take me home, I don’t want to be the crazy one anymore

My heart skips every other beat inside my chest, my hands keep on shaking, can’t seem to find rest, but if I lie here praying still as can be, maybe tomorrow will never find me

Won’t you distract me, but there’s nobody there that I can see, and no one else to blame but me, so I sing songs in my head and try to pretend, but I can’t

I know that You’re there, You’ve answered my calls whenever I am scared, and it’s all the time, because honestly my eyes they never dry, and I think I must be going insane if I’m not already there, but I’m still here

But I can’t help but ever ask why all along, when I feel like an alien stuck where I’ll never belong, and I just want to go home, because the words have long separated us and they always come out wrong

And I don’t know how to translate souls aloud, not ever or when this panic takes my mouth, I try to say what I need but nothing ever comes out

I want to let go of this tension, but I can’t find a way to mention everything spinning inside at once, I can never finish what I needed to say because I haven’t begun, and it spins on and on

Seems like close could never be close enough to chase out all the ghosts twisting up your gut, do you know about the place where all the colors are like seeing them all for the very first time, a vivid new clarity surrounds every line

And when I first saw them I didn’t even know that I was dead, carrying a weight on my back heavier than lead, so afraid that those colors will forever fade, and no matter what they say I can’t see how it’ll be okay

Oh God I try so hard but I didn’t get very far, I just want to go home, I don’t want to be the crazy one anymore.

1.19 free write

This place has grown so empty my footsteps echo back down every barren corridor, these pallid unfeeling walls with every turn look just like the world, exactly the same everywhere you look, now I’ll be just another face amidst the sea of all you mistook

From the inside to my outside face, all I thought I’d be has finally come to change, and I’ll be another soul you won’t recognize because sooner or later we have to realize that tomorrow’s just a dream that every fool will chase for eternity

I just don’t know where to go, there’s got to be someone somewhere who knows how to break this sea of glass, who can take away some of the lonely hours that pass

It’s never coming around, I don’t have time to wait for second guessing now, life slips through the hourglass still standing, throwing around the time that we took all for granted

I’ve only got to get it right once and it’s enough for me to fade, to keep all the right turns to the end of this maze, just once to feel anything real, to find a heart that still knows how to feel

I have to redeem the time, all the impossible, mistakes to rewind, faces will deceive you every time, pretty convenience desired over the ugly truths we hide

The pain you carry inside will never go away, that emptiness we try to fill and it’s all in vain, I’d throw away all my today’s just to feel alive one more time and then never have to die again

I can’t keep up with the lie, trying to show only one side, hearts are messy, ours are in pieces, trying hard to see but sometimes I’d rather believe in anything else outside of my reach

This place is already so dead I cannot bear to stay to the end, but with the long weary road ahead, maybe I really just needed a closer friend.

1.17

The words don’t come anymore, they don’t really matter, and I know no one’s keeping score

They don’t even have to make sense to anyone else at this point, because I’m the only one that their absence is annoying

I’m divided between the loneliness and despising everything there is, the glass keeps getting thicker, I need something to help me break it

Would you believe I knew where you were up until the very end, but it doesn’t matter either, you won’t see past your own pretense

I am human in this skin, but somehow can’t manage to let anyone in, I don’t care, but my need is everywhere

I hate today, tomorrow is looking too late, always just searching, running to stay in place

Fool’s gold is my demise, anything real is too hard to find, to live is to change, too bad shitty things always stay the same

Time is up, no one’s heart will beat the same as yours, everybody wants to die, so welcome to the world

I can only play nice when it comes right down to mine, but life kicks you in the face and takes no partiality or breaks

Stealing kindness away from the heart, and while you’re still reeling it’ll tear you apart, we’re all drowning here, yeah it’s hard to feel.

Farewell to the elementary verbiage of my silently rotting soul, words are fucking useless now, they say nothing at all

Tired and beaten, dragged behind cart and horse, wired and uneasy, exhausted of discourse, for in the thousands of ways I scream to convey- I simply don’t speak in words anymore.

January 3rd free write

In my minds eye I can still see myself a child, lying on her bed staring up at the canopy lights, dreams in her head and the same music in the night- though I didn’t know then what it would mean

Unaware that You were Already There, and saw in my reflection a glimpse of a face I would not recognize for many years to come, and cry in the night, why did You call me here

Unaware how long that road would be, with the same big blue eyes that You first showed me, and the vague love songs that I would hang my heart upon, so strong and alive, oh how I wish I could turn back time

But here we are today, holding our breath here on out, the light gone away from its place in that gaze, there’s no turning back now

I know You saw back then and I can’t figure out if you still see me and where I’ve been, I know that You’re looking both there and here – I wish that my small simple tears were enough to dissuade the years

From falling upon me as they threaten to turn so, will you count Your righteousness to the girl of long ago, before living and the world and learning of its truth, before the corruption of everything I knew

I no longer feel noble, with thoughts that are simple and small, a still weeping child inside I can’t figure out how to console, in the emerging future looming ahead that I can no longer control

As if it were anything new to everyone on the planet, though there’s nothing new to say to equip me to stand it, it’s easy to write the answers into these empty spaces, but an agonizing war with its application

I know this truth but can’t bring myself to stare back at it for very long, like needles sinking in, stealing the strength needed to carry on

A child lies in bed, sleepless with excitement for the day that lies ahead, now the rising sun fills of only its fear and dread, and the many plagues that befall its people, to the right and to my left

I do not sit amidst the Assembly simply for the sake of disagreeing, as I fear my lot is to become just like them, my guilt and shame are multipled for honesty, and a heart waging war with its end.

12.24 free write

Give it away, change and replace everything in my life, I can’t afford to stay the same in my heart I know, but at the end of the day there’s nowhere left to start or go

From here, where nowhere far away is any better than near, where the people are empty and dreams are dead, no companion left standing to pretend

There is nothing new underneath the sun, nothing left of desire or to wish to be done, and I’ve made such mistakes- enough that you’d say I was insane

but to the girl who first wandered out upon this dry desert place, at that time it seemed like the only way, but now come of age, I don’t know how long I’ll have to suffer to pay, will I ever be forgiven what I put to waste, or forever wear the scars that grace my face

Of a song that never was,- but no one would listen anyway- in the smallest increments, I’ve tried so to explain

It seems the only way left to go is the path they say is impossible though, I’ve always had to find a different road, and now being alone is no worse than where the lonely crowd goes

Though I’m terrified I will confess, of life and time and our endlessness, and the words fall flat every time, they’re so much smaller than what’s screaming out inside

I know it’s already happened, that I just can’t see ahead, like a secret that’s been shown to everyone else instead, either or we are all deceived, holding onto the hope of a forsaken dream

With the words of a child all that I know, feeling empty and hopeless, cold and alone, I see how far I’ve come, but my only desire is to be done, so afraid of the road that lies ahead that I only pray by then to be dead

This war at which I was born to keep my hands, it never ends, and I wonder all for what, the signs they don’t make sense, the “answers” don’t add up

I know there’s no such thing as an everlasting love, that no one will care or listen like the man up above, and perhaps no one will ever understand me very much or at all, but I sometimes still wish I had someone to touch and hear when I call

I know that I shall not want, it’s nothing that I need, and everything else is a lie, but most times feel that I was born to bleed

Belonging nowhere above or below, because everything they say, twists my words to make me feel unknown, separated inside by the words I can never seem to find

I bite my tongue until it’s cut as my heart the same, because nothing I say will make it change anyway, none of your words ease the pain, only remind of the truth I try not to hate

Because when I built my castles to try and make a way to survive in this life, they came crashing down when I found their foundation was made of the sand washed away with the tides of time

No two souls are quite alike, so further I look the more I find, that I may be damned, and it kills me inside not knowing which was planned- or what to do next in a hopeless situation

From the very beginning to the breath of the last bend, all in that moment, will it then make sense, regardless of which- God, let it be the end!

12.20 free write

There’s a terror in my mind, it eats at me, keeps me up at night, I know that I can’t run to anywhere or anyone, for there’s none that I know who can loosen its hold

It’s not their job, it’s more than I can ask, there’s nothing I can say that’ll make them understand, afraid to need, terrified inside that they’d see this part of me

I’ve always walked my days alone, accepting some help but emotionally alone, the ever present feeling that the sky’s falling on me again, too weary to stay strong, too weak to play pretend

I walk into a widow’s world to find the burden is multiplied, taking my sorrow up from the floor, of only a glimpse of why she cries

And the decades all crash down upon me, like a still frame movie with the same tragic ending; as though all the labor, pain, and tears were all in vain and we’re left only with that fear

How Great That Darkness my friend, when it swallows you whole, it goes without end- can you make me feel better, permit me the selfish vein, for I cannot bear the day, and the nights bring only pain

It’s a lie and everything is broken in turn, and before it’ll build you up with hope, just to watch you burn, cut to see you bleed, the world is no different you see; life is loss and misery, sometimes dotted with mystery

Everyday is another battle in the never ending war, never knowing if I’ll make it because we’ve never been here before, it’s all already past, but still we’re here to fight regardless what’s been cast

Where do they hide it, if they feel this too, why can’t I be so strong, be as good as you, my voice calls aloud into the empty night, trying somehow to find the air just to survive

Why is time moving so much faster, why can’t you see nothing’s built to last and today is all we’ll ever have, no promise, no tomorrow to be assured, when I can’t fight this war anymore.

11.27 free write

I run down this hard weary road of dust and broken seed, illuminated by the dull glow of the stars in just my dreams, of evergreens and fantastical things of which do not exist in this world that we see

Cruel and unforgiving, there’s simply no use in living, if I could grow wings I would fly away, and never come back to this day and age, for there is nothing here for you but decay and to waste away, to wither with the time and labor all in vain

I thought to myself I’d find a better way, and in my good intentions still ended losing everything, now I run by the shade of the mountain I hide, with the jackal and coyote and eagle eyes I cry

I do not understand it, how most go on without jumping off a bridge, or who finds the deepest knowledge of any consolation, when truth really is much more grim than imagination

I’d have followed suit to kill or swallowed a bottle of pills, but it really is too cliche when soon you will find we most all feel this way, one day or another, the mundane as it’s cover

But I neither comprehend how one who knows not the final end can lie to themselves so well , for the only reason to remain on this planet is so that I don’t go to hell- for we reside in the lesser darkness, but on this side our hearts grow hardened

The life I’d always known seems just a distant dream these todays, as some surreal flash amidst a billion riddled pages, each marked with a death and its familiar starting breath, compelled by routine and complacency to give way to those proceeding

And the fears that lived within me from the first breath of beginning, with the time opened my eyes to my wars I won’t be winning, which of these were written within from the very start, all of their answers to rhetorical questions- who first creates the human heart?

You need not hold me to my sins or heap on guilt for all my decisions, for I already hold myself in contempt of the courts which wrote the law, I’ll never recover from the fate my hand has inadvertently drawn, when there’s no reason to overlook my many sins, no motivation that you should love the villain

Sometimes it seems that there was no way around these fetters in which I now find my grave, as though I weren’t born with the strength to do any better and my efforts have proven depraved, the Corvus and vermin find me of no reproach- though comfortless wounds- know me better than most

Should God soon ever let me off of this earth, I’ll become the wind and fly far from this perch, of a life that became a nightmare, a hopeless situation as my darkest night draws near, and should my fears be sent a moment’s reprieve, I’ll disappear from here, to be never again seen.

11.25 free write

I don’t know what to say, the words have all gone missing, dissipating with their meaning and impulsivity

The life has gone out from the hope I held as defense, I’m far too weary now to keep up with this pretense- that I could ever just be a good friend, because I can’t shake this feeling that this is the end

The enormity of this mosaic weighs upon me at every turn, as the sky you cannot escape from beneath, all that remains is to yearn and to burn, which could not come soon enough for there to be any peace

Of which there can be no such thing, only the worst of two worlds each trapped in-between, there’s no going back, no making amends, everything in it’s making encapsulated in these moments

Every fiber of my being, every part of my soul, wanting only that I could freeze the time before it too runs cold, as is the way of the world- coming of age and dying long before we ever see the ground

We are born of tears and too return just the same, I’ve wasted all these years deluded I could outrun the pain, but there is no other way but to bring all my burden and shame, this is who I am, come what may

I see that some things never really heal, and if they begin again you lose the ability to feel, I am not afraid to live my life alone, it would be more of the same, the world I’ve always known

Because I just don’t care anymore about the ordinary world and all they say there is to explore, or look forward- they are foolish, enviably easily amused, there are no more than two things to desire to

Moving beyond naivety and laughing at the face of whatever’s in the way, I see that nothing stays the same- or do they mean that all good things fade? Moving forward in a new age, so it can steal your strength away, to end up where I started at the Eve’s day- but two steps behind on the inside, always

Can I hasten the culmination of this end, so my heart may finally die- no longer just play pretend?

11.6 free write

I didn’t think the journey would cost so much, but I ought to know it says you’ve got to give everything up

It was supposed to find peace, but all the pursuit brings is even more grief, striving to do the next right thing, when it makes the open wounds sting

When the loneliness ends because the panic begins, trying to keep friends is akin to chasing the wind, please hold my head up when I can’t even stand

I’ll show you all my scars and shame and take every last part of the blame, because it feels like running out of time to waste, heaven draws near, but there isn’t a thing that you’d want to hear

When I came to this place I was just a child, now I’ve come of age somewhere beyond the wild, where angels will hold you up, even when you didn’t want to come

Where you cannot leave but your tears ever silently grieve, I’ve nowhere else to turn but I’m terrified of Your words, because love is tough and sometimes it seems like it’s just not enough

We are here to learn how to love blind, we are here to leave ourselves behind, so why was it so much better to only take care of what was mine, there can be no peace, only momentary reprieve, a single second you may find buried inbetween

With a single breath from your lips, you can raise me back up or slay me with it, when my existence has become impingent on a rumored kiss or the admonishment of my many sins

So frail am I and the wounds I tried to hide, with no one’s responsibility to heal them but mine, all my years come down to this day, but all I ever wanted was to make my own way

To love someone, to be exonerated of what I’ve done just once, having come full circle after all, I will let you down when you see my faults

Some are here to make us think, some teach us how to feel, some will push us to our brink, others open our eyes to what’s real, passion and pain alone we borrow and exchange, never for tomorrow, only today

How can there be so much time left but it look so very much as the end, how do we keep lying to our hearts, when inside all we want’s to fast forward to the important parts

I am not the same, when most things have to change, no good at handling the small talk or veiling the fewer things I want, but it was never about those things at all

I cannot hide my tears, when I’ve been saving them back for all these years, the illusion has fallen, all that remains is the fading strength I used to draw on, and what I see all around, it seems we most sing the same songs now

Who too would die to feel alive one more time, I’d give it all away for the light to look the same, flooding through your eyes, retinas reading of hope, a kind you can feel, a kind you can actually know.

10.31 free write

What if everyone is wrong, thinking that we know the thoughts of God, what if what they say isn’t true, that you can’t simply choose not to feel the way you do

When we met I saw a field of flowers, far as the eye could see, purple and yellow and every color, each one is somebody

No we can’t confine ourselves to a legacy that belongs to everybody else, I can’t live that life, becoming more evident the more time tells

I dreamt of my field above on the way, in which I toil my share each day, what was dead in this life became vibrant and green, taller than over which that could be seen

I traveled around its every right turn, sunflowers hemming like walls, each one an action so burdensome in this hurt and seeming ever so small

A song rose above as ever they do, a whispered dreaming of being Evergreen with you, to wish that we could run away to a place, where we’d never grow old, never have to die to change

The next day a stranger came and gave me six seeds, I would’ve rather stayed asleep, but I planted them beneath, and water them with my tears each day that I rise, and over these years I see it is our lesson here to die

And this kind of death hurts so much more than the kind we’re all familiar with from before, like your insides are being torn out, cut up into pieces, and forced back down your throat, it never gets any easier- I can only pray to go

I fear there will be nothing left to love, you see, though at a certain point I knew it wasn’t meant for me, I never knew dying could hurt so fucking much, though the world it hasn’t changed- I’ve just woken up

How much does God really know each of our hearts, because He’s so confusing when ours get torn apart, this bed is the only rest I find, where you fall asleep and pretend to die for the last time

Who am I that You should take notice, when my legs are weak, my stomach revolts, my eyes they fool me, for fear of what is beholden, the world spins about with nothing to hold onto, no way out and no hope enough to make it through

There are bits of air sent just to keep us alive, but 99% of the time I wonder even why, all the world is change, and I know that I can never be the same.

10.24 fragments

Striving so just to do the next right thing as you go, there’s nothing to say that hasn’t been said before, these feelings are old and they don’t change anymore

At the end of the day, all are just as tired as you, bruised and broken, entirely human, we call out to help and from above, when you can’t help yourself, it’s hard to give or feel love

But it was there, locked inside my chest so tight, as I’m holding my breath in a losing fight, we teach ourselves to fall, we each learn how to let go of it all, losing grip of everything we have ever been

Living is hard, death would be rest, nobody asked, but here we are regardless, all the pain suffocating is testing of patience, but the reasons are lost when we pay it’s high cost

I need help to believe that we can do anything, but don’t know where to go, to give away so you can believe in hope, but how do I lie when I can’t even hide the emptiness in my own eyes

We reach higher, we try harder, work farther, and when we get there struggle to veil that it was to no avail, that hands fall and everyone will fail you, that you can’t outrun what brought you here from the beginning

As though everything between the start and end was whispered to your heart long before you began, we’re in a difference place now, no one finds a way back or out, but still the questions chase because the answers are no better than the pain that first instilled them in our being

What do you want me to say, it’s no secret that we are made whole to break, all we’ll want in the end is someone to hold all the pieces who will understand their shape

But I’ll wait all day and night to even say a word, because I’m bitter and angry inside and there is no comfort, but it’s all we have to offer one another, but most times I wonder why even bother

I see the pictures in my mind, sending chills upon the skin and down the spine, but makes me feel no better for what lies ahead in time

All always only screaming that it’s running out soon.

10.22 free write

How can we feel so much but not find the words to say, how do you live without tomorrow when you’ve never been so afraid

All in a free fall, never knowing if there’s anywhere to land, and at the end of it all, to only understand

A place where it can make sense, if only for a day, for even the hand of providence can’t spare us from dismay

Time creates a longing for what can never last, deepening it’s hold each day, knowing nothing ever can

Do you wonder where you belong, all while you see that the fairy tales are all wrong, and only our pain tells us each that we live on

I want to take what I cannot, can we find a way to live without the clock- I tried to make it stop, sometimes the right is still wrong

Look who’s nearly a stranger in the eyes, tell me can you see the ways that they cry, without a single telltale sign, and wondering can they see mine

All the secrets we only weep, what do you really feel in the silence that you keep, maybe we are never truly free, perhaps all life is is a bittersweet memory

All that’s left to seek for, now, is something to make it all worth it somehow.

10.13 free write

Have you ever been so sick, you were sure you were going to die, like surely this is it and you should say all and goodbyes

Have you ever cried your tears, so long it seemed like years, surely you’ve used them all up, but still they reappear

Have you ever borne the pain of a loss that you can’t control, or something come into your life that’s stolen more than its toll, and time goes by but the wound never heals, you never stop trying, though trying not to feel

Have you ever been so sure that it’d be more than a tidal wave, the kind that destroys everything, but still you hide it away, as the tides never stop their stay

Who could love a one so imperfect and marred, not what it once was, less beauty and more scars- we all have a way with time it seems and you know that we all feel these things

Have you ever loved someone more than they’d ever know, and wondered all the time if it ever could’ve been so, no it cannot be, they would not love me, but who could ever know if they never see your soul

Have you ever been so hungry for nothing you can see, knowing that there is no food that can satiate that need, the moment you realize that it always will be, that we’re digging around and pretending

Have you ever felt so much shame, that there was nothing you could say, driven a long ways to nowhere’s cliff edge, contemplating just going off the ledge

Have you danced upon the heights and fallen to the depths, the lows a thousand times as long, stealing your last breath so you hold it in your chest

Yes we all feel these things.

When I was a child I did not know, that the emptiness inside would only grow, and as the walls fall down, all of life crashing around, you realize there’s no future, all you have left is now

It’s so hard to make promises, it’s harder here to believe, when you finally see a light, it disappears it seems- so if you died tonight, what’s in the moment of your dreams?

10.13 free write

Have you ever been so sick, you were sure you were gonna die, surely this is it and you should say all and goodbyes

Have you ever cried your tears, so long it seemed like years, surely you’ve used them all up, but still they reappear

Have you ever borne the pain of a loss that you can’t control, or something come into your life that’s stolen more than its toll, and time goes by but the wound never heals, you never stop trying, though trying not to feel

Have you ever been so sure that it’d be more than a tidal wave , the kind that destroys all in its way, but still you hide it away, as the tides never stop their stay

Who could love a one so imperfect and marred, not what it once was, less beauty and more scars- we all have a way with time it seems and you know that we all feel these things

Have you ever loved someone more than they’d ever know, and wondered all the time if it ever could’ve been so, no it cannot be, they would not love me, but who could ever know if they never see your soul

Have you ever been so hungry for nothing you can see, knowing that there is no food that can satiate that need, the moment you realize that it always will be, that we’re digging around and pretending

Yes we have all felt these things.

When I was a child I did not know, that the emptiness inside would only grow, and as the walls fall down, all of life crashing around, you realize there’s no future, all you have left is now

It’s so hard to make promises, it’s harder here to believe, when you finally see a light, it disappears it seems- so if you died tonight, what’s in the moment of your dreams?

9.21 free write

Another day done, gone on and on to another one, as our todays steal tomorrow, but words of the good fight only fill my heart with sorrow

Keep on the fight they say, and they’re also right, revealing themselves these things, that none of this is worth it

You’ll cry the same tears, filling in holes as another caves in beside, we were born to learn how to fall, never graduating from the fight

Does it ever seem like you’re waiting for just one night, as their lives all scream out, was it really worth the fight?

Feelings so commonplace, hold your breath and just keep the pace, don’t fall apart babe, they’ll see who you are, I am a stillborn, never having changed enough for love

The sun beating down in your hunger and thirst, the illusions slipping now right through your fingers, there’s nothing to hold onto as the end calls near, the sound my heart makes, can you hear it?

I wish I could hold onto fairy tales, lies about how it’s hard but all is well, it’s not, it only gets heavier to hold up

All fighting a losing battle, buying ourselves time the only matter, give me an illusion so I can cover my eyes, something I can touch and pretend it’ll be alright

Pretend that come the morning we will cry no more, make sense of disintegration, find something worth working for

Is our labor in vain, not so to a certain eye, but there’s a still small child who has never been satisfied, empty truths are all there is to find

Its all about perspective, someone else has it much worse, or how the glass is half full or half empty, everyone else gets it, so the joke is on me

Another day is done, it’s requirements borne and met, we have no choice but to move on, and that’s why we pretend

Life hurts and then it ends, all before tomorrow, oh how the good fight ever only fills my heart with sorrow.

9.4 free write

In my lack of faith I can think You’ve finally decided to turn away, if You cared so much as they claim, how can things seem so bad and never change

But they also say that life is always changing, chirping aloud as though it were something to be anticipating, I’d be the first to agree however, but I’ve never seen changes for the better

Changes mostly seem to only take away the good things, in an overly simplified state of mind, like it’s a personalized and never- ending test with no attainable end to find, just fucking mindless, directionless misery

So I just dive right in, surely everyone must feel like this and it’s just another thing you didn’t know existed, the discoveries are sobering and so overwhelming, and the fantasies multiply to absolutely no telling

Like gasoline to a fire that’s already been burning from inside the skull to out, more evident, making more sense than ever before now, up against the wall where there’s no way out at all

Yet having been shown signs I can hardly believe, it always seems like You’re leaving me, how can God be supposedly so close and pain be all you know everyday, where does the blame go, oh absolve me of my fate

I try to go about with closed eyes when I cannot bear the truth, but know there’s nowhere to hide and there’s nothing left to do

A holy audience claims that everything was seen, every hidden verse and step taken in between, every tear and stifled scream, all of the fear and every lost thing, many as the days

Like these steps were hemmed in, and you never could have guessed it, trying to walk the right direction and all hope is still divested, you cry with everyone else, yet the burden never lessens

I don’t know how you don’t just scream, for one can be hungry, suffering, alone, searching for a meaning or most anything we know, but one cannot breathe without hope

If nothing escapes Your notice, where do You go when our nightmares come for us, now that time has come for mine?