8.18

Wish that I didn’t always feel so conflicted within
A battlefield I fear that there is no win
And the present situation seems to be getting more dim
Despite punching out the windows
just trying to let some light in
Think I’ve got my mind made up, that I finally see a ray of sun
Resolve for a minute, Next day my conviction’s gone
I’ve been passively living in a perpetual division
Is there actually no real correct decision
Or if there is, would I really even care to be informed
Searching for sign of a hope I’m scared doesn’t exist anymore
As I’m holding my breath, questioning every step
Second guessing my path
Do I go right or stay left
The evident truth and I locked in a match
As Im wrestling to the death
Trying to battle my way back again
Voices multiplying filling up my head
With loaded suggestions
It shows I’ve been regressing
As if I don’t Know it
That I can’t locate my Focus
Will the world out there ever stop pressing in on me
Infecting with heavy care of the same precedented disease
Or will I be scared and restless as this for the rest of eternity
Reconsidering all I’ve believed on continual repeat
Will I create a means to make peace if it turns out to be
My purpose remains still so uncertain to me
Are my efforts concerted enough to bring the turn that I need
Will giving my best ever measure up
Am I being tested or did I mess my life up
I just want myself back and a world that I recognize
the person I had and been for all my life
Not just what they taught to me
God on high there’s got to be
something
How can the right thing feel so wrong
And I can’t take a deep breath
how can the straight path leave me feeling so off and empty in my chest
What is it that has to be done, to feel like me again
to get rid of the numb, don’t know where the hell I’ve been
Passion gone missing in an apathetic prison
I’ve too long been stranded and just running with the crowd
I can’t fucking stand it I just want to get out
Find a high place to run at my own pace rediscover my faith
In some place other than the black abyss
Never hated it more down here in the darkness
I just swallow the fear and suppress all my emotions
praying for something to be clear amidst a mess of endless motions
God I’ve gotta break through
But I don’t know what else to do
At the end of my rope while watching everything around
seems like I’m always alone when the terror surrounds and then comes crashing down
On me
remind me that my heart still beats
before it kills me
But everything real feels
the next agonizing pill
Is every necessary attenuation
Only the very next change To try not to hate
And Realization
that’ll keep me up at night in new ways
haven’t gotten much shut eye in a few days
Which dragged on into weeks and then months
Why Is it sadness and peace seem synonymous
Will I have to give up and quit
Simply stop with being honest
Will I be choked out and sickened by
this Silence of pretense
I’d rather hold my ground and go down swinging and screaming
This won’t be my end
Maybe I’ll never really get rid of this anxious feeling in my gut and chest again
Maybe life was always only found in death
And There’s Such a big part of me that’s already dead
Maybe we’re never really ready
so tell me God
Where are we going next?

8.1 free write

Been trapped living on the edge of a knife, Seems that the only decision is a kind of death or Die
When it feels like there will be no getting out Alive
Not the same person that I was before, Afraid I’ve become a monster of some form
don’t know what to do but to say Your name out loud
If There ever was a day I’ve needed You
Jesus it’s now
As my universe feels like it’s crumbling all around
You say it’ll be OK but why does it get harder to believe every passing day
Have I lost my faith
Even the hope for a love that could mean something to me
seems so far away it’s barely even a memory
I don’t know what I want, don’t know where I belong I would ask where exactly did I go wrong but would I really want to know
We always keep moving forward because we don’t really have a choice
Fight not to be bitter for it but seems every turn of the story merely disappoints
I feel like everything I’ve tried so hard to protect has been torn right out of my chest and replaced with this awful empty bitterness
Jesus please hold on to me, to the spirit that I’ve misplaced
In a world I can’t escape I keep on burying away
the heart I need to be me but can never keep safe
So hold onto me and don’t let me go when I can feel myself slipping away
honestly it’s getting harder to see where this is all going
All my life they’ve told me You’re always on my side, but I feel if you knew my secret battles You might change Your mind
Most days it’s felt like you’re all I’ve ever had, because I know people just don’t understand
kind of hard to see eye to eye when we all have our own lives inside our minds
Why is it when I try to find the words to say I just sit there in silence as if I can’t explain
All these problems I can’t fix but can’t efface or leave behind
It’s all so fucked up and I can’t erase these lines
But if i try to talk about it a panic riots inside
How can 1000 thoughts and feelings scream so loud
but when it come to revealing, words just don’t come out
Sentences always seemed so weak and in vain
but they’re all that we’ve got
While waiting here in between
The life we used to have, who we used to be, and the reality now
we can’t escape, it comes crashing down everyday
Words just barely scratch the surface and right now aloud they sound so worthless
When I know this, I’ve rehearsed it, all the verses heard in churches
Seems like nothing is working and the one thing for certain is everything hurting and my heart’s grown too heavily laden with burden
Because scholarly comprehension is no comfort or friend
wish I could reverse nearly all the knowledge I’ve procured upon the earth
Unlearn and somehow return
Erase my memory so I could maintain the belief there’s a life I could work to create
where not everything has to hurt, not everything is made to break
But I can’t find a truth these days that doesn’t immerse my soul in a new kind of pain
A stone dry desert rarely renewed by soothing rain
Because something in me died that day
A part of me died that night
The moment a thousand shards of truth shattered everything I’ve held onto in life
And I hate how people talk like that’s a great thing
to be devastated by such a painful sting
So most of the time lately I can’t feel anything
but this fear that’s always talking in my ear And I’m trying to stop listening
But it’s mostly all that I can hear
Now whenever I have an emotion, I just push it back down
pretend not to notice the colors fading into the background
negative emotions I ignore and repress
Tell myself my feelings don’t matter
until I have another breakdown and put my fists through the mirror as it shatters
Just throw my feelings in the trash bin then wonder why my mind is such a fucking mess
continue to speculate as to why I have no peace inside
Afraid that the only time I feel better is when I’m believing a lie
And In the fleeting moments of clarity between trying to keep my head above the waves of chaos and despair I see
it’s so scary to me to see the severity of just how far away I’ve drifted from the world I need
And the disparity between who I am now and who I used to be
and how numb I’ve become to everyone
And everything that once mattered to me
It’s so funny I bet everyone thinks I’m doing fine, but truth be told I’ve never felt so close to suicide
Seems like everything I do or try
just falls through and breaks
then merely for ironies sake rises back from the dead just to blow up in my face
So It’s no big secret I don’t really know how to appeal or relate
to the world outside
when I feel like I never really had a normal life
What it’s been like would be kind of difficult to explain
to anybody who even cared to listen a little bit
because no one was there For most of it
I’m really starting to reflect back at my past and wonder what I could’ve done different
But I guess it’s pointless to ask
When it probably wouldn’t make a difference
So I’m sorry that I let You down
I let me down too
I keep searching for the details to try and talk all of this out but they just get lost in the screaming static of the background
And I don’t really want to let go this time because I’m tired of changing.

4.29 free write

I keep on holding my breath just to keep the tears away, no word, no sound, no truth, only lies now, tripped up once and falling on the ground

I’ve been pretending for so long though, the only evidence of the truth are the songs on the radio, don’t think I’ll ever know another, maybe we don’t even really know each other

But it comes as no surprise, seems most of us are locked up in our own minds, it’s okay if you don’t want to look at the truth, I don’t want to right along with you

I know we are all crazy in our own ways, I just don’t want you to see, want to be alone today, but we are all hiding our something, but how far does it have to go before we cut our ties with all the lies of a better time

Tomorrow’s past is growing cold, today’s the last chance of a miracle, went all the way out there just to find that we are all scared, now I can’t help thinking maybe it is better to just believe whichever lie makes you feel alive again, tell me real hope didn’t just die, right along with what’s been lost inside

See me today and I’m not sure that I could tell you the difference either, but we do know something’s changed, and today will probably never go away, But hate to admit that I am more afraid

I’m just not convinced which is the truth or a lie that I’ve sold, and now the only evidence I find are the songs on the radio, and I’m holding my breath again.

4.28 free write

Thought that I knew what I was supposed to do, but just can’t seem to find the words to, trying to hear what’s the next move, but I’ve never felt so far away from You

But I know that You are here, holding me up and counting my fears, but all I can hold is my breath from here, show me where to go next, though I don’t know if I’ve the strength left

Never thought I’d get this far, but neither thought it would be so hard, just when I think I know, there’s nowhere left to even go

What is it I’m still searching for, in this world of so much nothing more, speak all the words in all the world and still feel alone, I know You are all I really need, so why do I still feel so hungry?

I know You hear all these thoughts so faded, and the silence that’s singing me to sleep now, maybe if I can write them down in these spaces, I’ll find a way to say them somehow

Im struggling to recognize amidst the sea of voices, when I fuck it all up given my own choices, I’m not hoping, but keep on going, of no reason I can see, a common thing of such familiarity

Ever scratching right beneath the skin, push it back down just to breathe in, we all have a silent scream trapped inside, as a distraction, part of the divide

I don’t really care for make believe games anymore, can’t even seem to find a conversation not so vapid and bored, so what is it I’m still searching for, in this world of so much nothing more, speak all the words in all the world and still feel alone, I know there’s nothing more I really need, so why do I still feel so hungry?

4.18

Child of the Devil, blind where I’m headed, yeah I’ll give you the second, but now in hurt my mind is on fire, all these words so long I’ve held inside

You say I’ve got to learn to use some of this anger that I can, all that I’ve got when it seems no one understands, criticize everything I do and all I am, while I’m trying so hard just to appease you, too tired to gain the upper hand

Seems I know exactly where I belong, hiding right beneath and all alone, pick me apart and watch me fall, but now I can see you never knew my heart at all

Sorry that I can’t be like you, I don’t know how to forget, how to feel what you say is the truth, but unconventionality permissible too, but only when most convenient to you

I don’t believe anymore, tomorrow’s gone too far, only further into the nightmare, so let’s erase the middle and burn out at the start

Now I know right where I belong, beneath everything you deny to keep the fear from rising, I remain one to the end of time.

The Lesser Darkness p.17-18

17

I was deeply conflicted but this was messing with my head again; I knew that if I stayed any longer that I would later regret it. I rose from the grass and looked past the clearing into the saturated darkness beyond the trees. I began to walk toward where I had come but briefly hesitated beside her. I bent down and faintly kissed her forehead, surprised to find the sensation that she didn’t feel as the illusion I had assumed. I worked my way back through the grassy thorns and into the trees. I shivered under their thick cover, and opened my eyes to the Scarlet table.

This time I more quickly regained my composure and orientation, “How long was I gone for,?” I almost instinctively queried.

“Again, I can’t tell you exactly how long-as I keep no Time- but I can say that I perceived you to have fallen asleep for only a few short moments.”

“Alright, let’s get this last one done with,” as stoically as I could feign.
The crimson vial caught my eye from the candle in front of me.

“But before I forget; I saw an old friend- a particularly dear one I suppose-” I again downplayed my recount, while reaching for the vial and holding it up against the dimmed light. “She held this, emptied in her hands. What is it- or should I ask what it means?”

“A wise question,” he tipped back in his chair with a creak. ”
“The seemingly inert substance you hold in your hands has the capacity to entirely eliminate the need- and reduce the craving for- sustenance, of any kind. Take it and you will no longer hunger, thirst, nor die of lack. But deprivation, it can well teach one progressive discipline and an increasingly heightened resistance to all pain-”

“If what you say is true, I’ll take it,” I interrupted with a laugh.

“To never be of want or it’s chains is indeed of value…” he continued. “Yet, as you know trying to force Death’s hand has its consequences, as does trying to cheat it. I rarely mention the option, as few would agree to forego something so oddly, yet universally deified; I had an inkling however, that you would not hesitate at even such a weighty decision.”

“Well how long does it last for? I would love to no longer worry myself of the imposition.” I thought of the ravenous pain in my muscles during imposed fasts and arduous treks. “Does it simultaneously reduce the pain of starvation?” I deeply coveted the notion of no longer suffering for the fact that I had not had enough food in many years. It never got any easier to make those ends meet.

“I don’t know how long it lasts- beyond the decades or if it’s forever; I’ve never again seen any one of its few partakers. I’ve a strong suspicion that it’s forever- or until you come back wishing to enjoy the carnal things of the world again. I’m still working on the formulation of its undoing…but that’s just one of my many projects, and I can make no promises at this time of its fruition.” he stared off towards the messy table, as if he had just remembered a thing long forgotten.

“so what are these downsides you so cryptically speak of?” I could not veil a slightly patronizing intonation.

“well despite the obvious forgoing of food and drink, you would become violently ill, should you attempt to do so again. You could still drink very sparingly, but it would be of no reason nor quenching. Many count food and wine amongst life’s pleasures, but you’ve apparently no firm attachment to such…” ending with the air of a question, of which he then appeared to withhold.

18

” I’d still like to take you up on your offer…” I hesitated, “and I apologize for my previously curt behavior, I was fairly worked up coming out of that first vision.”

“Think nothing of it, but help yourself if you so please.” he gestured to the vial, pushed back his chair and went to rifle through two mahogany bookshelves across the way.

I uncorked the vial, met by an oddly metallic scent, and tentatively put a few drops on my tongue. It was of a pleasant honey taste, but in swallowing it down immediately caused my stomach to wrench at the suddenly revolting taste lingering in my mouth; of which was remarkably reminiscent of blood. I allayed inquiring to be of no consequence, and quickly gulped down its contents. My vision blurred slightly as my stomach convulsed violently to empty itself of the menial remainder of its contents; of which, much to the rug’s relief was again merely a false threat.

Originating in a dull stab at the base of my skull, a sensation as though ice were filling every individual vein spread throughout at a disconcertingly slow pace.
The man stood still casually paging through a few dusty books, again entirely unphased. Picking up another couple hefty tomes he produced a modestly sized dagger from the hollow space in an encyclopedia of herbal lore. I sat frozen, consciously focused on his limited movements to attempt distraction from the increasingly heavy feeling embracing my slowed heart and lungs. I was suddenly gripped by the regret of the foolishly implicit trust I had placed in this stranger.

I sat wordless, anticipating either the feeling’s diminishment or final consequence. He returned to the table, placing the knife inside the satchel with the scroll.

 

3.21 free write

It’s true, but they likely won’t tell you, that living’s the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do, and it’s true, it never gets any easier to make it through

Though everyone may leave you all alone, you’ll always have this melody to hold, lift your eyes to the horizon and know, I never would have let you go

What are we even searching for, I can’t take this hurt anymore, time will lie to you, your eyes will cry unto the very end, but I will be waiting back at the start, until after the stars turn dark

I will not lie to you, we’re all headed down into the bitter truth, and for the pain in any line I will ever write, it’s multiplied a thousand times, the words were never any good you see, not to you, not to me

Though everyone leaves you all alone, you’ll always have this song to hold, lift your eyes to the horizon and know, I never would have let you go

What are we even searching for, I can’t take this hurt anymore, time will lie to you, your eyes will cry unto the very end, but I will be waiting back at the start, until after the stars turn dark

but the time will lie to you, will it be too dark to see the ending.

The Lesser Darkness p.7-8

p.7

She spun about sprightly and headed back toward the hut, practically skipping as she went. I remained for a few seconds, still taking in the bizarre array of antics all those around were thusly absorbed in. Not a single other person as much as raised their eyes from their business as I emerged from the trees into the starkly unnatural circular clearing. Of the diversity of people around, the girl was clearly the youngest amidst them. I was puzzled momentarily as to why she was the only one who seemed awake. She was standing with one hand on her hip, motioned for me to follow, and gave another exasperated sigh. I obliged, quickening my pace across what was now sand beneath my feet, until we came to the purple curtain.

“I can tell you haven’t been here very long- have you. But have they?” I pointed as discreetly as I could muster at the others, ever engrossed in whatever each took fancy to.

“Nope,” she chimed, “my parents just finally brought me out here for the first time, after my 12th birthday this last April. Just like they-”

“And you’re not the least bit weirded out?” I interjected.

“I can tell you ask too many questions.”

I couldn’t help but allow a glimpse of amusement to cross my countenance at her tone- like a chiding parent, in a squeaky little voice.

“Go on, go in and talk to him! “she gestured again toward the entrance.

I hesitated still. Equivalent to my inclination to simply barge in, was my desire to even be there- much less to get at all involved. I already had more than enough confusion in my life. Despite finding her feisty spirit refreshing- I was still reasonably uncomfortable about the whole scene. I looked back over at her, and back at the doorway, which at a closer vantage was interwoven with shining gold thread. I instinctively recognized a small, metallic sound resonating from up above us, and glanced up to see a tiny red-throated hummingbird glaring back down, scarlet chest glinting in the dying light. Chirping in such a manner that I guessed he may have been reciting avian profanity; I had always wondered why it was generally accepted that hummingbirds were of docile nature, I knew firsthand that they could be little devils if in a mood.

The girl was making play fists and rolling her eyes again, so concluding that there would be no knocking, I pushed the curtain aside and furtively stepped inside.

The space was surprisingly large and well-furnished for the base state of everything outside; filled with a warm energy, I saw that the walls were in fact made of rich, sturdy oak logs behind the brittle sticks and straw. There were bookcases both short and lofty, stacked and filled in disorderly array with hundreds of shabby leather- bound, paperback, wooden, and hardcover books. Many were exceedingly thick, with the initial appearance of research and reference documents and journals. I didn’t see or sense anyone at all, and continued to observe the spread of tubes, vials, darkened bottles, syringes, papers, and seemingly plant matter strewn about on two rectangular wooden tables. There was a third table, bright red and only the size of a square end table, with three broad candles exuding a fragrance that brought me to feel of a frustratingly indescribable nature.

Time seemed to be crawling at half speed as I loitered around waiting for someone potentially as disconcerting as the public outside that violet tapestry. I decided to further tarry only long enough to study a staff leaning in the corner. It appeared to be made of a finely smoothed Yew wood, carved as one piece with two snakes encircling its length, heads nearly meeting at the top. I flinched to suddenly sense a hand on my shoulder.

 

p.8

I turned about, looking behind but beheld no one, until I spied the man sitting in a chair at the little red table. Only half veiled in shadow, he was an unshaven man of considerable years. Had he been just sitting watching me? Whose hand grabbed my shoulder? I had been standing back by the door, about to leave after I had been examining the staff; I marveled at how I had missed something so obvious.

“Rather captivating craftsmanship eh?”                                                  “Yes, particularly the eyes of the snakes…”
I was embarrassed by how oblivious I had been but was then also grateful I had not indulged my curiosity to look inside the darkened bottles with various tags on each.

“well it doesn’t mean what it used to to me- that’s for sure. Take a seat if you will?”
“I prefer to stand,” I instinctively countered.
“so be it,” he laughed. “So. No need to explain why you’re here, I would gather for the same reasons as most everyone else…”

“being?”
“Irrelevant-” he said, holding up his hand with an exaggerated emphasis on every syllable. “That is, the past has passed. What can I do for you today?”

“I wouldn’t know. I can’t even figure out what this place is. What the hell is this camp doing here? What’s wrong with all of those people?”

“Ah, straight to the questions- straight to the point. I do like you…” he trailed off, as if carefully measuring his answer.                      “I cannot tell you definitively, but I can tell you that we all come here, and we are all subject to the Laws of this place. Some stay, while others do not- both either content or discontent.”

“I hear a lot of riddles and nonsense.” I replied curtly.

The illuminated half of his face cracked a smile, “Ask better questions.”

My stomach protested loudly in reply.

“Oh yes-” he rose, moving to the tall bookshelf and retrieving a burlap bag. Producing two substantial sheets of dried meat, he placed them on the red table across from the chair, of which he was again seated. I began to feel foolish standing there, unsure of how to hold myself so as to not appear as weary and ill as I felt.

“I should have remembered- you’ve likely been walking a couple days.. Come now, eat. I’ve got better things to do than to poison those who don’t ask for it,” he chuckled, apparently quite pleased with himself. “Eat so we may continue this discourse with no unnecessary ill-will.”                    I acquiesced and divided my attentions to sating the fierce aching in my muscles.
“And do you have a name, or shall I simply call you the Guarded One Who Stands?”
“That works,” I managed between laborsome mouthfuls.

The food was already taking the edge off of my hostile delirium and I paused chewing, realizing it had been a while since anyone had asked that.                                            “I guess I don’t have a name- not yet I suppose.. I usually don’t think about it until someone simply starts calling me something for one reason or another. My name was once Zakuw- I don’t know why, but an old friend of mine way back in the day used to always call me that and then laugh. I never did figure out why or if it even meant anything. Funny how we met, in that day we used to walk the Catacombs at night for kicks. Peaceful place…Why am I even telling you this?..”

I could still hear his trademark laughter ringing in my ears. For the longest time he was the only person I ever spoke to, until he simply disappeared. One night he never showed up to walk along in the dark with me, and I was never any the wiser of where he went. But I eventually understood his disappearance when some decades later I developed the inclination to do the same thing. Friendships and relationships were too risky. Since then, I’ve long preferred to share my secrets with strangers, those of the Asylum who would not remember my name or face, or those I crossed paths with in the Silent Places- but never for long.

The old man wistfully nodded as if he perceived my thoughts.

“Anything in your pockets?” he proposed.

“No, I didn’t bring anything with me but these clothes.”

“Clearly you’ve no others…” he laughed again. “check anyways.”

I reached in my pockets and to my surprise was something, pulling out of the depths of my left pocket a tiny parchment scroll, about the size of a matchbook. I opened it to see only a few indiscernible symbols, appearing as that of a foreign language, and handed it across the table to him.

The Lesser Darkness p.5-6

p.5

Unsure of where I ought to head next, I figured my best bet for finding anything useful was to turn back around to go up over the mountain, where I knew at one point was an older established town. There would also most certainly be some water caught in the hollowed rocks after the recent uncharacteristic storms. Yet even the thought of such a great distance caused my head to throb even worse. I knew the rock faces of the mountain continued up for miles, then dropped off into various valleys in between each, meaning even a manageable looking distance would take exceedingly longer than anticipated.

I righted myself east and began the journey, up the introductory rock face I was so familiar with, and struggled to push away the memories playing in my mind like a movie reel I could never shut off. I finally regretted not having taken more time in this life to train myself to scale this old mountain face with the grace and ease I used to watch her leap eagerly ahead with, always beckoning me to climb just a little higher-but I usually preferred to watch and in stillness savor the otherworldly peace of our hiding place. Nearby there was an extensive cave between two horizontal rock faces that had been called the Witch Cave, because when we first discovered it there were candles lining makeshift stone shelves and the uncanny existence of our initials carved into the rock wall. I had already spent so much time out in these summits that I both loved and loathed their heights.        

At one point in the journey of my consciousness I had thought that If there really was heaven or any semblance of it in this world- that that time, that place and presence was it- or as close as I was ever going to be. I foolishly fantasized that some measurable form of peace could be found in what couldn’t possibly last. Born of naivety, I thought that I had finally found a resting place- somewhere safe, understood, and in the sight of familiar eyes. Yet the present always falls away into a lost past and a different life brings different dreams- or nightmares from the recesses of our intimate fears.

I had advanced up and over a few of the ascents and in the thinning fog was able to catch sight of a thin plume of smoke off to the North, less than a mile off. It would take me out of my way, but the chance of resting and refueling somewhere soon was tempting enough to chance the relative detour. I knew I could always try killing something for food, but in my recollection there really weren’t many animals out here anymore, I was a shitty hunter, and foolishly enough always felt some measure of identifying guilt over it. I had done some awful things, but could never bring myself to harm one of the only things that seemed undeserving of suffering. Yet the verocity of the catabolic pain had grown enough to overwhelm any of my hypocritical convictions.

Tracing along an interstice of the mountain gained me some time in light of my rapidly diminishing strength and I stood off from the smoke’s source-which had dissipated shortly after its appearance. I was pleasantly disoriented to see the appearance of some lofty pine trees down along the way- being exceedingly out of sorts for the immediate area. They were multiplying, dotted amidst the starkly viridescent ferns, as I drew nearer. It almost seemed that the terrain was steadily shifting as I went, into that of some place alarmingly unfamiliar and inexplicably eerie.   I peered from behind the cover of a broad fern to distinguish what appeared to be a fairly well-established camp.

It was an unmistakably circular- shaped setup, with what I counted to be twelve chairs near the middle, arranged in another sizeable circle.

There were all sorts of people walking about, each remarkably uninvolved in as much as acknowledging those whom they were ploddingly passing by in monotonous repetition. Most of them were dressed in what appeared to be olden robes and untimely attire of predominantly velvet reds, black, and white with much fewer yellows, green, blue, and purple. upon further examination, what appeared to be twelve chairs were actually all tree stumps that had been cut down, roots still in their place, each inhabited by a person of uncannily straight posture. Most of those going about were walking in a clockwise direction, and those sitting on the “chairs” were each engrossed in some unknown task of apparent urgency, moving their hands about as to emulate counting, typing, folding, or other mechanical motion of a speculatedly task-related nature. Two of the twelve sat motionless and equally straight-backed, simply holding their hands over their eyes, remaining unnaturally still as though dead.

The dying fire in the middle of the chairs was now barely even flickering amidst the ashes, and though night was falling, no one paid mind to its kindling. The outer part of the camp was lined with various clotheslines, woven baskets of linen, and pots containing unknown substance. Beyond the ring of senseless antics was a small circular hut made up of straw and branches, with a deep purple curtain hung in the doorway.

p.6

I remained hidden, watching from behind the fern for some ten minutes or so before deciding that such exceedingly odd behavior strongly recommended that I turn back around- especially considering my inability to spot any mushrooms of the sort lying around. That meant abandoning the idea of finding any refuge or sustenance. The rock catches hadn’t yielded near as much water as I had hoped for. Physically however, I recognized that I didn’t realistically have that choice, unless I wanted to risk collapsing on the way to a place that I didn’t even know was there. I instinctively reached back to check for my buck knife- just in case- to realize that it hadn’t made the jump and I had nothing of any use.

Given, I had seen much stranger behavior during my stay in the London asylums. Ironically enough, it was there I encountered a decent number of memorably unique individuals- some even seemingly brilliant to my interpretation- of whom could seem more “sane” than the management body of its facilities. As mentioned, I had seen that every advantage had its disadvantages, every gift had its often steep consequences, and everything has its price. Needless to say, after that I never again broached or entertained conversation of my lives’ experiences. Though the following century gave rise to many inquiring minds for the mystical- it was mostly intangible imaginations of past lives, and never gaining any answers had long left me feeling voicelessly isolated inside- wondering if I was the only one, or if anyone else who had been around the block at least more than once was also fearful to speak of such matters with confidence.

I often passed some of the countless lonely hours pondering or making up stories of where the selected few other humans I had cared about would be now. I liked to think that they conjectured similarly; that they still thought of me, but I was sure they didn’t care as much as I did anyway. Most times I hated caring the way I tended to, long after I was surely forgotten or they were gone- I wanted the feelings to be as dead as the time that killed them all. But I couldn’t, it simply wasn’t in me. In those few cases I cared too much.

A small, biting voice intruded my train of thought, “Just what exactly are you doing hiding there? If you’re going to be creepy, you could at least pick a bigger plant!”

Clearly my hesitation was potentiating trouble for me again. I stood up from my apparently meager cover, mostly surprised that I had even been noticed at all. I didn’t think to say anything but an indecipherable mutter, and stared back at a diminutive girl of about 12. Her sharp eyes pierced impatiently through unkempt, bright blonde hair.

“What are you mute? Well you clearly didn’t come all the way out here just to stare did you?”

I shook off the perplexity of such a young girl all the way out in these mountains.

“I suppose I’m rather… lost? Well- I thought I knew where I was, but it seems like everything is changing…”

“What did you choose the Blue berry and then get lost in the woods? Are you slow? Of course everything is changing- its an unsafe world where you can’t predict or control anything but what you do! The landscape is always changing!” sounding like she was reciting some mantra, she was apparently accustomed to speaking just short of a yell, and her enthusiasm seemed oddly misplaced.

I paused. “I saw the fire and needed somewhere to rest because I’ve been wandering and I don’t know where I am, how I came upon this unfamiliar place, or where I’m going.”

She rolled her eyes, “Oh man, have I heard that one before. Well I guess you’ve stumbled upon just the right place! We at least know what we’re doing here. We have options and choices. We’re free.”

I silenced my many inquisitions and simply returned an untenable smile; disguising my incredulity at such a all-encompassing statement to a subjective end.

Her childish grin yet unforgiving candor was again inscrutably reminiscent of some place familiar. Everything felt like a reminder of some place I’d never been.

3.17 free write

The days are passing me by in such a hurry, but still everything remains just as blurry, I’ve found my melody they say it’s a gift, but with this empty heart I can’t keep the rhythm

Keep waiting keep searching now for what never seems to come around, I’ve got to take this last chance, paste on a smile for one last dance, but where is my heart, the weight of the world has torn it apart

Everybody seems tone deaf and in a world so bleak its hard to find some rest, I am tired and looks like the time has expired, my body runs down into empty notes, where we don’t understand each other and always feel alone

Ever unknown, we’re speaking in foreign tongues at best, pouring out all to hold on that was left, trying to make something out of the chaos, it never stops spinning but this is all we’ve got

God in heaven give me the strength, to leave a mark, to make my place, when everything inside is running with the sands, I can’t hold on but take my hand, even when they don’t understand

Didn’t think a world full of so many people around, would leave you so lonely, and most in a crowd, maybe some are simply meant to be alone, but still there’s something missing I know, now where do we go

And the dreams they showed us everything, now watching the fates unfold, they were correct in what the time would bring, except that there’s nobody there to hold

God in heaven give me the strength, to leave a mark, to make my place, when everything inside is running with the sands, I can’t hold on but take my hand, even when they don’t understand.

The Lesser Darkness p.3-4

p.3

I stood up, dusted myself off, and momentarily studied the puddle of blood mixing down into the earth. Reassessing my surroundings, the tunnel was gone- no ledge, no walls or gravel- but had been replaced by raw mountainside as ancient, gnarled oak trees sprawled across the formerly desecrated terrain. I found myself standing in a fluorescent green moss that suggested having been undisturbed for some time before I came along to ruin its isolated peace. The sky was a dark, inky grey, clinging to the foggy groundcover.                               The Winds had kicked up again in still yet another black, suffocating, deafeningly silent day in the Valley of The Winds.

I’ve no conscious idea of why I had remained in this valley for so long. I guess I never had a good enough reason to leave. Given that it’s completely hemmed in by mountains on every side, the black clouds always settle here, and stay- sometimes for weeks without cessation. It would obviously be no place for a person of similar disposition to live; but perhaps I find a sunny day irritatingly disattuned to how the world has long looked through my eyes- that perhaps the weather can be disconsolate for me, so that I’m not invariably the one bearing the collective weight of the knowledge the years have bestowed upon me.

Save for the familiar crags of the mountain ever looming overhead, everything around had entirely changed, and it was with great difficulty that I could gain any bearing for which projected direction I should head. I was sure I knew where I was when I passed by the rock caves where we used to play, but at the point I then expected to find the parking lot’s break in the trees, the foliage and foreign treeline only carried on. Holy hell. Given this, I was led to believe that this time I’d gone backwards- precisely what I tried to avoid ever doing- in any form in my life. Regardless, this had never happened before, because Time always ran linearly, right?

Additionally, I seemed to always start off roughly the same age- had that changed as well? There was nothing I could catch my reflection in, but briefly examining the matter, I concluded that to be a constant. I felt perhaps a bit shorter, but that was all I could immediately notice in regards to any physical changes. I observed a lock of hair in the dim light. It appeared that my long red hair was now black.

A medium had once told me that I could only try to throw my present life away so many times before I either reincarnated as a rodent in the dust of Mumbai, or my wandering fuckup of a soul would catch some other karmic retribution. Likely however it would be that I could no longer outrun the lessons I could never seem to learn, not to the liking of whatever held me here. Karma had sure been a bitch already, though I never concluded which sins I was paying for. Other than a personally insatiable death wish, I had always stuck to the “saintly” side of things in regards to my treatment of others; Though I suppose any god might be perfectly just in their subjective opinion.

I had been essentially tricked into even consulting this self- proclaimed psychic in the first place, and thusly discarded most that she had said as a fanciful lie to catch a pretty penny. Now I was sorry I hadn’t paid closer attention, or at least written it down for kicks.

p.4

I scoured the corners of my mind for anything else she had said. Much to my surprise, concertedly thinking about it brought back more than I had expected to remember. One thing that never changed despite all I remember seeing- I’d always been a skeptic until proven otherwise, and rightfully so, because I’d seen firsthand that people deserve to start out in the negative.

Yet somehow throughout the ages I had often ended up in the company of various kinds of mages- whether they were called witches, mediums, psychics, or what the twenty-first century’s New Age “awakening” eventually deemed an Intuitive- they had all always told me the same things, of which I still had paid no mind to, for all that it mattered to me at the time. More than a few of said Intuitives had told me that I had another past life of which I did not consciously remember. The past life part was obviously of no surprise to me, as neither was not remembering some blurred details or periods of time.

Some things got lost in the transference altogether, while other events always remained crystal clear in recollection through it all. Every once in a while I would recognize a missing part by the vague, inexplicable knowing feeling I would often get with people, places, objects, or events. Not recalling an entire lifetime however, was of surprise.

These people had each only briefly glossed over the details of its relevance, recounting something about being a “warrior” who had spent most of my life alone, wandering the mountains for unspecified reason, wielding nothing but some type of lame- sounding spear. Wandering for nothing, looking for and fighting for something I could never be sure of- much less remember. I guess I had never thought about it again since. It sounded like some fantastical bullshit. I had to stop and laugh at myself, because then again, I supposou some people must have thought the same thing of my much larger, reluctant confessions- resulting in my being thrown in the Looney bin, again.

Yet if it were so- It must have been too long a time ago to remember, considering that time had never ceased to progress in its traditional order, before now. This time around sure didn’t look like anything along the lines of being any warrior- quite far from it in ripped black cargo shorts, an equivocally ragged black tee, and somber disposition. Was it supposed to be some kind of a patronizing, symbolic jab?

It then crossed my mind that perhaps I had actually gone forward– but pondering that quickly brought me to question that any amount of time or magic could refill the train tunnel that had been bored through the mountain. I realized that I was sure wasting my time musing about something of little relevance to the fact that I now had no idea how far from food, water, or shelter I found myself. The violent 50 mile-per-hour winds had blown a chill right through my thoughts, and my bones.

I had long been accustomed to being both cold and hungry- nearly numb to it- but not to its eventual effects. It had already been nearly a day since I’d had anything to eat when I decided to just head to my favorite place, where I knew I could clear my head for a while. After all, there’s nothing quite like jumping in front of a train to clear your head. I briefly felt a twinge of guilt, hoping that it had only been a cargo train.  I’d always been on the lean side, so it never took long for me to start to feel the ache of my body eating itself- and it had already begun to threaten with the pain and tension impeding every muscle. I guess all the time I’d already spent starving out in what I was reluctant to call mountains would finally pay off as being customary. My body had clearly already become a few degrees hypothermic again- a state I regularly sustained for long periods of time. The fog in my head however was always much thicker than that shrouding my vision- and exceedingly more mentally challenging to press through.

The Lesser Darkness

p.1

It was a long and familiar walk back to that place. In the darkness it took longer than I had remembered but its comforting embrace somehow made it a haunting pleasure with which every step I was closer- closer to an another end and another beginning. Not a new one- not by any means- but it would be different, somehow. Even if only in the details, things were going to change again; into an unfamiliar semblance of pain that I hoped would rouse my interest in this perpetual series of tight-chested and shallow breaths that many call Life.

I savored the echoing crunch of the dry sycamore leaves and thorns underfoot, until I came to that wonderful clearing and the crunching faded to the grating of rocks underfoot. I paused in my stride as the scent of Rosemary jarred me from my sensory trance into an array of vivid color and memory, flooding in and suffocating me with their unnamedly bittersweet gestures in my mind.

I soon found myself standing underneath the arc of the Tunnel, staring into an even darker abyss on a frigid, moonless night.
I looked up and saw her there-lounging somehow lithely above the entrance, her arms cradling her head against its stone. I heard her voice calling to me to climb up just a little higher; but I knew how she would always keep climbing until we both got to the top of the highest peak of the whole mountain. I simply stood in the gravel and stared back, until she wasn’t there.

Because she never was.

I never was-

and we hadn’t been for ages.

Well, lifetimes.

I’ve always wondered what she would think if she knew where I ended up after these few centuries. I wondered if she still even thought of me at all- if she was out there somewhere. I feared I would never know. What mystically tortuous things memories can be. Are they supposed to be enjoyable? For the most part, I’ve yet to manage to see them in such light other than reminders of all we could not have.

I drew my attention back to the Tunnel’s winds pushing me. I couldn’t help but for old times sake jump up one last time as the gusts pulled me back before hitting the ground. I smiled weakly. At least the laws of physics were still generally the same. But even those have their fair share of inconvenient exceptions.
I sat against the graffiti of the adjacent wall and glanced at the dim light of the phone’s display, 12:11 pm. The next train wasn’t due through here until about 3am. Which meant I had roughly three hours to sit with my thoughts and commit to being sure about this. I was sure not to look up above again.

Lost in my own little world as ever, I was mindlessly fidgeting; tracing back and forth over the ridges veining my arms. That was one thing that never seemed to change; The scars always seemed to find their way back. Dealt in different ways, under varying circumstances- but always ending up in the same places, In roughly the same forms. Painting my arms, legs, chest- like an inescapable teacher of a lesson I simply never could manage to effectively learn. But I’d outgrown the foolish notion of escaping the lessons’ torments. No number of lifetimes could ever do that. They’ll always find you again, usually in the most personally excruciating methods possible. Yet perhaps those scars could also render it possible to recognize the people that had once felt like home a very long time ago. I had always hoped they would recognize me as well, but so far such hopes have turned out to be fanciful at best.

I never could manage in all my time to conclude about God, the one “Universe”, karma, or any of that methodology. All I could ever figure out was that there’s something- or likely someone much bigger than us. I don’t know how or what trivial details of my fleeting life that being cared about- but all aside, I just hoped and prayed that He would see things through my eyes at least every once in a while.

Not too long passed before I realized I had drifted off into some sleep-like hypnosis of contemplation, when I was awoken by the shrill piercing of the train’s call. I scrambled to my feet, listened and placed my hands to the tracks. It must have been less than a quarter minute away.

I rose at the side of the Tunnel’s mouth. I took a slowly calculated, deep breath in. I held it for a moment; focusing on the shaking wall beneath my fingertips, the clicking tracks, and the cleansing chill of this night. I exhaled and stepped out onto the tracks.

p.2

I had heard a lot of talk throughout the years of in death seeing a little white light at the end of all this blackness. The light at the end of the tunnel of all of life’s pain. I guess mine was just a train after all.

I don’t remember a whole lot after that moment. No angels, a few demons; but no evidence of hope. All I know is that night was when I first found out that life isn’t so simple, forgiving, or easy to escape. It was just another beginning- still outfitted with all the same old contingencies, prices, and process.

It was then that I started to feel less like a soul, and more like a pawn on a chess board meant for begrudged service and flames no matter which way I moved.
Also therein I had learned most intimately in my first couple times around- that everything had its price. For every seeming benefit or advantage of another’s that I had been tempted to look at and covet; each eventually came to me in its own time and acquainted me with a different flavor of disappointment. Don’t get me wrong, I have my preferences for which are more or less tolerable- but at the end of each, always the same cavernous emptiness or betrayal remained; The same inescapable feeling that I was trying too hard, all to get nowhere when it was taken from me by the time or ill state of man’s heart.

I reluctantly subscribed that there really was nothing but subjectively fabricated meaning, and the tireless endeavor of mankind to try and help others’ suffering, so that their soul may graduate on to the next obstacle. It’s not that I have no heart for others suffering, or wouldn’t help whomever I could- but there came a point at which it all turned into absolute overwhelm. Put out one fire and surely enough two more would crop up in its place, such as to imply that it was better to never sweep out the house in the first place, that human suffering was inexhaustible and inalleviable.
There was a saying at one point around here that love was the most important thing in life, made the “world go around”, or was the answer to absurdity. I believed it for a couple turns, but eventually somewhere (in my possibly hollow chest) conceded to the conclusion that it was fear that drove most things in this world. Fear of pain; of loneliness, rejection, poverty, failure-suffering. Love was a proposed salve.                                     I had thought that just once a couple lives previously, that I had experienced or caught sight of this elusive, idolized concept- at least in the sense that most revere it.

However, I confess that I too do recall it the most fondly and vividly amidst the countless things I had ever claimed to memory.

But regardless of such, the sweetest things are typically the most short-lived, whilst the most excruciating last; marring everything the eyes can possess, and enduring long past the test of time, of which all things pass.
I’ve had plenty of tries to learn how to live with the darkest, most ignominious, hidden parts of myself. I’ve had nothing but time, trial, error, and reproof to grasp how to not allow these things to destroy everything that I reach for to attempt to make a life worth living. Yet every time around I’ve somehow inadvertently managed to always end up back in the gallows; the edge of one blade to another- or pistol, rope, needle, bottle, bag; famine, the murky depths, or the company of another black widow to kill the time in between any other blissfully lethal overdose I could find in a similar chemical.

…

3.7 free write

I dream of a place where we could fly away, above the endless toil and outrun this decay, where you could open your heart up again inside, then you would feel me by your side

Are you so ready to be gone, gone with me right along, if only you could have known my heart, but love it’s growing far too dark

How can you not see, there is no morning, and I wouldn’t want to live forever, all I really wanted, it’s now or it’s never

It’s no secret that I care for this place no more, there is nothing here but one last lonely closing door, so I raise my voice with all that’s left alive in me, and ask, can you feel the time retreating

Are you not ready to be gone, in dreams that fade right along with me, because I am so ready, if only you could have known my heart, but love I fear is growing far too dark

How can you not see, there is no morning, and I wouldn’t want to live forever, all I really wanted, it’s now or it’s never

If I unstitched my heart, lying at the cross of all roads gone dark, all I really wanted was…

3.5

Here I am still with you after it all, where we should say what we ought to and let the tears fall, so long and so far I ran from the path before me, sought to close up my heart just to stop from bleeding

In this cruel place where love is forsaken, with few to no answers when left in its wake, they say when one road ends another one begins, but didn’t know back then that nobody wins

I try to cover up my face when I can’t face the truth today, we came all this way just to lose everything, now it’s too late for regrets, we can’t go back when the past is dead, can’t barter our way out, in over our heads

Feels like I’ve been waiting my entire life for this time, now I cant close my eyes, will it ever be alright again, and I know you can feel it too my friend, now let our destinies lead us on to the end

Strength hastened to that day, I know we can’t go back, but I’m sorry I’m afraid.

2.26 free write

You’re paging through every song that you know, thousands of bittersweet memories, but not a single one to say what you’re facing today though, the stranger in the mirror and you never stop wondering just when did I get here

How’s it all happen quite so fast, one minute dreaming up your life and the next you watch it pass, these dreams so frail just slip right through our hands

And you remember everything, as all that’s left of you can only say

When did we get so far away, how did the best part of my heart break, and I know that we’ve only just begun but can’t you tell me when this is done, and everyone keeps talking about redemption, but all I want is to find an exit

Feels like there’s a certain point that we never can come back from, each day we’re moving forward ever searching just to find some hope that can feel right, for once

I don’t know how it all happened quite so fast, one day you have it all and then you breathe and it’s all passed, these hopes so fragile just fall right with the sands

And you still feel everything and all that’s left of you can only cry

When did we get so far away, how did the best part of my heart break, and I know that we’ve only just begun but can’t you tell me when this is all done, and everyone keeps talking about redemption, but all I want is to find an exit

No I don’t know what to say, I know we’re not the same, so I disappear and pray that we can fly away.

2.21 free write

Here I am on my own, though I know I’m not the only one who feels so alone, with all of these questions eating at my mind, like why am I still alive when I tried so hard to die

And the silence it screams nothing right back at me

Don’t know where to go from here, all I can see, hear, or feel is fear, seems I’ve already gone and died, only my body’s been left behind, find the strength any way it takes, but I’ve lost my faith in better days

Throwing down any pills it takes, don’t care if it kills me today, I can’t justify any more all of this misery and pain, I’ve got to take my place and make a name to burn out to my end

Was my destiny sealed when I couldn’t find a way to sufficiently heal, and all of these answers scream back at me in the silence whom I know

Don’t know where to go from here, all I can see, hear, or feel is fear, seems I’ve already gone and died, only my body’s been left behind, find the strength any way it takes, but I’ve lost my faith in better days

Everyday I wonder when I became the stranger standing in place of my reflection, but a changed mind cannot be unbent, and never going back is the hardest lesson

I died when I opened my eyes, terrified that we’ll never be okay again, even though I know that’s life, and now I’m too angry to find the words to say to the only one left in the silence.

2.17

Dear God, if you’re still there, I’m trying to understand if You still hear my prayer, I guess that I’m wrong, but I can’t help but ask for what I really want

What else can I do, when I’m having to change everything I am, and even though it may sound undue, I don’t think anyone truly understands, just what I’ve been going through

Feels like I’m walking down death with every passing day and it’s taking so long, but I am not afraid, not to die- only scared the pain it’s costing will never fade, don’t let me stay here stuck in between, help me never want to leave or let me fly away

God if You’re still hanging out with me, I could really use somebody, wish I knew what You are doing, so confused after everything You’ve brought me through

Sometimes I can still feel You breathing next to me, but these days I can’t find anything to say but I’m sorry for hating everything, I never knew life would be so painful when I was a kid, wish I could go back to when I was naive and innocent

I guess this is growing up, take the next breath in and hope that it’s enough to make it through another day, never know when it might be the day, and I know we all bleed, it only makes my heart break, I guess I’m just not taking life anymore

So let’s sit down, maybe we can work something out, there’s nothing I can give You, but You already know what I was going to say, I guess that’s not so fair, still I’ll ask You anyway, dear God if You’re still there, won’t You understand what I’ve tried so hard to say?

2.13

You show me all these pictures, like the old photographs, of what is to come and what’s already past, everything and everyone in stills, their lovers, their children, and the birds that would alight upon my window sill, but no match was found suitable you see, with no one to blame but me

I have been and become of a great many things, but all when I look on that I can see is that everything is changing, I can’t lie that I’m not afraid, I broke it all down and now we’re building a new face, will I ever again recognize this place

Take me to the heights, let me never come down, where the colors are so bright and I can make my own way now, let me run with the eagles, though my wings be caught as the crow, may I bring about these impossible things that nobody else may know

As though we have already graced upon tomorrow, let that time be enough to pay all my sorrow, that I would be weaved to where You already are, my steps be pre- conceived by the hand of an orchestral heart, let my mistakes pave the way for the person torn apart

Why do I go, why do I stay, everyone wants to know if I choose a certain way, every hour forward it hurts to let go, and I cannot ignore how the time it flies so, but in the end I suppose most everyone ends up alone

Your lovers they will come and they will go, according to what serves them upon a wind easily blown to and fro, and though you be not alone for today or tomorrow, eventually you’ll know- if you can’t love a soul, you cannot love at all

I just want to feel the sun shine upon my skin again.

2.7 free write

I’m keeping back the words because I’m afraid of getting hurt, when perhaps I should’ve said fuck you from the very first accuser, who’s reading this anyhow, we’ve all grown up and point our fingers now

I won’t be cut back down like I’m fourteen years old again, I dug my way up out and don’t have to keep up with pretense, don’t make this a numbers game, been there done that, a formula built to fail, why should I be so motivated to change if the the other side tastes as ill

I’m trying to get my eyes off the endless fear and compromise, there is no striking balance, I’m here and not afraid to die, I don’t need any more correction, my conscience won’t let me sleep and it’s enough to garner direction

I just needed someone to sit down and talk to me, look me in the eye like a human being, without salting the wounds, because you don’t need to as I already do it, if you think I don’t have enough guilt to push me through- I put it on myself, even knowing it’s a tool that only freezes you

Useless to anyone else when ensuing shame tempts me to hide myself, but I take the responsibility and can’t be deluded from its futility, and you know what the scariest part of being honest about it is, I’m no longer sure I even really want to change this

Not when something inside reaches out to cripple before I even try, just fighting myself every step from the sidelines, continually challenging everything I am to get to a place I don’t even want to be, no more excuses no more wasting time or being afraid of honesty

But it would be better to just keep my mouth shut, when nothing worth saving comes out of the truth that I hole up, too bad no one knows the truth because no one ever got that close to me, feels like going fucking insane and on the verge of apostasy

Don’t know if it’s true that we are our own saviors, I’m sure not standing around waiting for any takers, there’s nothing they haven’t said before, and on the cliches- still got plenty more

But here I am again, ready to pull out my skeletons and confess to who I am, talk about love and talk about peace, but I won’t understand until I can see, I didn’t mean to throw it all away, and now the person in the mirror has become a stranger

Another shifting face that I can’t recognize, is it too late to turn around my demise, look what I’ve done, what I ran for a year to try to get away from

Show me if there’s anything left, moving on to the next life or moving on to death, slipped up and fell back, I want to give up every time I relapse

I’m on a path and headed for destruction, the worst part’s that I don’t know I give a fuck about it, and I know that I’m wrong, but don’t know where this is coming from, maybe it should be easier to trust someone but I only seem to end up feeling like the villain, and then frustration’s the only language these days I know how to speak with this tongue.

2.2

Having come nearly full circle, having walked these lessons, now that wisdom makes us older, having paid the consequences, I leave this now empty room and learn to walk away, tell me, do we ever truly change?

I carry on as every other fate, in the never ending flight amidst the winds of change, bittersweet wars we lost and we gained, don’t know where I’m going and so much there shall be no knowing, but how I wish to lie and say that I am not afraid.

1.31

I do still care, but it’s killing me to stay, watching the same old faces slowly waste away, pretending I’m not scared, but again you weren’t even there, so I guess it doesn’t matter and my conscience is cleared

At least on that account, can’t say I’m not a fool for following dreams around, not sure it could ever matter anyway, when I can’t see how that part of me would ever be free

I can’t tell if I’m going nowhere or simply moving slow, the instructions are running thin, don’t know where else to go, don’t know how to give a shit, don’t know of anything left to believe in

I see the sinking all around, but that’s not how I want to go down, endless dreams in my head that there’s got to be something better, I can’t delude myself but can’t accept the same old fetters

Three different directions conflicted in my mind, resolution restricted, an endless intertwining, an impossible conflict, bringing all the guilt and questions, but no words that satisfy me

I remember when you felt so close, once I heard Your voice so clear, thought I knew where I was supposed to be going, it was like You were right here, but all things pass away, and now I feel alone and filled with fear

Im trying to breathe words of encouragement into my spirit, but my ears hear so dull today, my eyes hard as I try can see only grey, and I don’t know if the signs are telling me to quit, if I just imagined all of it

But I have seen so much in this place, that simply cannot be explained, but how do I ignite the fire again that’s gone out, it’s the only thing that can burn away what’s rotting in its place now

It’s come to the place that what’s inside will either die or fly away, we can only pray to grow wings one day, because I simply don’t have the heart to stay

But don’t turn away, and don’t let me, hold me in place, help me believe, I wasn’t born with a mind that could be distracted, when there’s a problem I think about it until I crack it

But this is driving me insane, I try to let it go, but it never leaves my brain, it’s destroying all that’s left, turning the time to waste, I speak the truth to correct, but it still feels like my grave

In the middle of our story, all I want’s to feel alive again, and give back the colors to those who have lost sight of them, to open my eyes again and really see, really be

What I have seen now, more magic in my life than I could ever even try to write down, there’s got to be more to life than what I see, I want to run with the stars until after they fade, and chase out the fear, to create a better way, and I know that I’ll die trying.

1.27 free write

I sit in the pew with my head hung low, surrounded by all these people but I’ve never felt so alone, I swear I’ve heard these words before, I wrote them in my journal just the night before

And I can barely stand as the man recites what I thought he would say, and was most afraid, yeah the illusion I tried to create is falling apart, and I’m terrified every color will forever turn dark

I don’t want to be afraid anymore, but the more I push on my very best, heart sinking like a stone within my chest, I ran so far my wayward years, from everything and one, now all I have to say are tears

No words to exhume from the ocean that just feels like a different tomb, yeah I know just who You’re talking to, I’m not saying that you’re wrong, I just can’t find the motivation to move on

You are good, You are faithful, but my heart is selfish and the truth evokes hate in my soul, perhaps it’s presumptuous, I’m just convinced I’ll never feel anything else again but this

Yeah life is pain I know, and if we’re surviving we’ve already got it made, I just didn’t think when I was a little child that the pain would be the only thing that stayed, and after everything I’ve seen, I don’t know what to believe

I don’t want to talk to anyone, had to break me down slowly for what was to come, I couldn’t properly run my life, now I’m caught between here and the other side

I’m sorry if it sounds like it’s doubt, maybe it is, but I just can’t see what’s to hope for now, though I still hear all sorts of things, there’s nothing I can think to ask the future brings

Why should I be exempt from giving up all I thought I had? I just didn’t know it would hurt this bad, why am I always bitter, when I have no right to it, all I want is to quit as soon as it begins, because after everywhere I’ve been, I am still far too human

Am I bound in Saturn’s transit, destined to turn to the pages I’ve dreaded, on my knees I’m begging to be locked into the path the seven stars are headed, forever until the end held together

After everything You’ve seen me through, God help me to trust You, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to trust in You to do, when to live is to die and to grow is to lose

Feels like the end, but I guess we all get our time to pretend, now destiny’s calling and I don’t know how to answer, I don’t even want to, they say that we’re born to- God I didn’t know dying hurt more than my conjecture of never having been born at all.

1.26 free write

They say that rest is found in You, so why do I still feel so tired? They say that peace is found only in You, so why do I still feel so terrified?

Even knowing You are in control, and calling us to surrender it all, only arises more of the terror inside and all around, because there’s nowhere to hide and truth drives out that hope, when reality destroys everything we know

And they say that You can renew anything, So why does the old passing away seem to bring the same old weight? Fear consumes me every moment that I live, though I fight it so and know something’s got to give

They say when our dreams are dying that shelter is found in You alone, so why do I call but feel there’s nowhere left to go? Fighting back the lies every minute that I wake, it’s taking all of me and never gives a break

This is the war we all fight, take the next breath in and breathe out the thoughts inside, when strength has worn thin they say that Your spirit would make our petitions, but I’m struggling to believe it’s worth it

I will wait on You for all of my days, for to whom else could I go when my heart is weak and faded, but why do I still feel so alone and afraid?

If I could only talk to You while I’m sober, but most of the time I don’t know what’s taken over, I know You perceive my every thought before I even saw it, do You my every fear, much as I cannot find the words to say it clear?

They say that You alone satiate, so why do I still feel so empty and misplaced? I just need a clear mind, but the static remains no matter what’s tried

They say that love can drive out fear, but I’m trying to survive now, so I can’t feel it here, they say to live is to change, seems never again will I recognize any face

If I am understood so, why do I still only feel alone? No one can save us but ourselves, but God I need help

They say everything I need rests inside of me, help me find peace, if rest exists, may I someway find it.

1.25 free write

There aren’t enough words to say what I feel, with all of these answers that some things never heal, seems it’s been a lifetime I’ve walked in just these few years and all they have taught me

I know I can never be the same again, that we set not upon the same river’s waters more than once til the journey’s end, and discover that the line between insanity and reality is no thicker than a thread

Looking back across the waters crossed, as we all do, I realize that I’ve had to toss the confidences that I’d held onto, so afraid of just how big this life is – how quick, how short, yet dire in its implications

perhaps I got myself into this sentence, a personal hell and convinced that no one understands it, but the worst part is that maybe they do, and this is all there is to look forward to

But I’ve got to believe in something, I just don’t know what anymore when everything’s been turned out and upside down, slipping through my hands and nowhere to be found

And when I’m screaming the loudest seems like You’re the farthest away, when I see but I’m blind, thinking but can’t define, hearing but I’m deaf, hear it again and again but living with this guilt and shame about my neck

Fear screaming in my ears and trying my best to ignore it, prove it wrong and move forward, thrown to the ground, sidetracked and now more confused and alone than I had ever known you could be

When no matter what I say, what they hear, it’s not enough, listen always with the intent to correct if I open up, I can’t afford to be so damn sensitive, I know the problem is my attitude’s grown bitter of the directives

I know the problem is me, always fighting myself just to take the next step and breathe, but the more I wage this war I’m feeling the anger making my heart grow cold, thought I knew where I was going but then I lost the road

God please impart to me wisdom, tire not of Your patience and mercies, though I know I’m not deserving, I know I’ll be dead and done without Your continual presence and hands holding me up

Make my paths straight and bind me like the Pleiades to Your way, for everyday I drown in this ocean, every hour like a sheep I wander astray, how far can love reach, even unto me? For these days in my shame and desperation, I feel like the least.

1.20 free write

All I want is for this to stop, to just get off of this rollercoaster that I call a life, the screaming is so real and hearing everything else too, I can’t shut it out, but I shut everyone else out when it’s all too loud

Now my friends are all too busy for me, no they don’t come around anymore, when I’ve never needed someone more, oh God I don’t want to feel so alone, but it’s all I’ve ever known

Thoughts race in, in all different shapes and I hate them, I can’t shut them down, I take my next breath and rub my blurry eyes, but I can’t make them see again, I can’t make this moon recognize me as a friend

But I could stare in the night for hours on end, just to try and feel anything other than what it is, so I run as far as I can, but feels like my bones too are made of this glass

God I tried so hard to be a part of the world, I didn’t want to be that girl, please just take me home, I don’t want to be the crazy one anymore

My heart skips every other beat inside my chest, my hands keep on shaking, can’t seem to find rest, but if I lie here praying still as can be, maybe tomorrow will never find me

Won’t you distract me, but there’s nobody there that I can see, and no one else to blame but me, so I sing songs in my head and try to pretend, but I can’t

I know that You’re there, You’ve answered my calls whenever I am scared, and it’s all the time, because honestly my eyes they never dry, and I think I must be going insane if I’m not already there, but I’m still here

But I can’t help but ever ask why all along, when I feel like an alien stuck where I’ll never belong, and I just want to go home, because the words have long separated us and they always come out wrong

And I don’t know how to translate souls aloud, not ever or when this panic takes my mouth, I try to say what I need but nothing ever comes out

I want to let go of this tension, but I can’t find a way to mention everything spinning inside at once, I can never finish what I needed to say because I haven’t begun, and it spins on and on

Seems like close could never be close enough to chase out all the ghosts twisting up your gut, do you know about the place where all the colors are like seeing them all for the very first time, a vivid new clarity surrounds every line

And when I first saw them I didn’t even know that I was dead, carrying a weight on my back heavier than lead, so afraid that those colors will forever fade, and no matter what they say I can’t see how it’ll be okay

Oh God I try so hard but I didn’t get very far, I just want to go home, I don’t want to be the crazy one anymore.

1.19 free write

This place has grown so empty my footsteps echo back down every barren corridor, these pallid unfeeling walls with every turn look just like the world, exactly the same everywhere you look, now I’ll be just another face amidst the sea of all you mistook

From the inside to my outside face, all I thought I’d be has finally come to change, and I’ll be another soul you won’t recognize because sooner or later we have to realize that tomorrow’s just a dream that every fool will chase for eternity

I just don’t know where to go, there’s got to be someone somewhere who knows how to break this sea of glass, who can take away some of the lonely hours that pass

It’s never coming around, I don’t have time to wait for second guessing now, life slips through the hourglass still standing, throwing around the time that we took all for granted

I’ve only got to get it right once and it’s enough for me to fade, to keep all the right turns to the end of this maze, just once to feel anything real, to find a heart that still knows how to feel

I have to redeem the time, all the impossible, mistakes to rewind, faces will deceive you every time, pretty convenience desired over the ugly truths we hide

The pain you carry inside will never go away, that emptiness we try to fill and it’s all in vain, I’d throw away all my today’s just to feel alive one more time and then never have to die again

I can’t keep up with the lie, trying to show only one side, hearts are messy, ours are in pieces, trying hard to see but sometimes I’d rather believe in anything else outside of my reach

This place is already so dead I cannot bear to stay to the end, but with the long weary road ahead, maybe I really just needed a closer friend.

1.17

The words don’t come anymore, they don’t really matter, and I know no one’s keeping score

They don’t even have to make sense to anyone else at this point, because I’m the only one that their absence is annoying

I’m divided between the loneliness and despising everything there is, the glass keeps getting thicker, I need something to help me break it

Would you believe I knew where you were up until the very end, but it doesn’t matter either, you won’t see past your own pretense

I am human in this skin, but somehow can’t manage to let anyone in, I don’t care, but my need is everywhere

I hate today, tomorrow is looking too late, always just searching, running to stay in place

Fool’s gold is my demise, anything real is too hard to find, to live is to change, too bad shitty things always stay the same

Time is up, no one’s heart will beat the same as yours, everybody wants to die, so welcome to the world

I can only play nice when it comes right down to mine, but life kicks you in the face and takes no partiality or breaks

Stealing kindness away from the heart, and while you’re still reeling it’ll tear you apart, we’re all drowning here, yeah it’s hard to feel.

Farewell to the elementary verbiage of my silently rotting soul, words are fucking useless now, they say nothing at all

Tired and beaten, dragged behind cart and horse, wired and uneasy, exhausted of discourse, for in the thousands of ways I scream to convey- I simply don’t speak in words anymore.

1.12 free write

I just want to breathe in and exhale the fog from my mind, I just want to get out of my skin, leave the past and future behind

I just want the screaming inside to finally stop, but nothing ever seems to take the edge off, I just want the static to clear so I can finally make something of being so far from here

The words are all jumbled up in the sky above, I can’t grab on to any one as they’re stealing the air from my lungs, they say that to live is to change everyday, but I find in its wake I can’t find the strength to stay

What the fuck is wrong with you, I can’t help but ask myself, when I can’t seem to make it through the day like most everyone else

I feel like I only cause problems for you, I want to help everyone around me, only to drop the other shoe, when I can’t even help myself, feels like I fuck up no matter what I do

I can’t even tell what’s true anymore, and if I’m honest enough with myself I’m scared I just don’t fucking care anymore, makes no difference of the supposed to, when we’re all drowning in this together

I can’t catch a breath of air long enough now to help the people I care about, and it feels like we’re all always headed down when as soon as I can break the surface, the next wave takes me under and another day seems worthless

I just want it to end, I’m so fucking sick of this weight of all we can do is play pretend, the truth is too hard to look at and few want to hear what they can’t fix with the infinite wisdom of their lips

Feels like I hate everything and I don’t want to come back up, why give all my strength, tears, and blood just to get pushed back down again, and I’m screaming so fucking loud but it doesn’t even matter at all, because all that I’m saying is what everyone already knows

Everything turns to dust, all that once shined is eroding in rust, find the truth but it doesn’t set you free, and I don’t waste my time advertising my victories

I want to turn the music up so I never have to hear again, they say that life is all about love, so why does it only end, and the rest is a choice that hurts when too few are willing to do the hard work

I should know by now the problem is with me, when I still feel all alone in the midst of company, they say that I love but inside I’ve given up and don’t know how to believe in anything to come

How do I keep on hiding the anger that burns inside, try to make it go away, knowing that I’ve no right, why do I feel so aggressive, push it back down again, the past is dead I know, but how do we move past pretend

I know I’m not the only one in these things, but never found solace in the multiplication of misery, going through the motions but never finding the strength, and all these bottled up emotions have rendered me insane

I’m sorry for everything and how quickly I fall away, people keep repeating I just need to have more faith, but I don’t know what to do while I’m supposed to be trusting in You

But trusting that You’ll do what exactly? Because I’ve got all these questions I keep asking, and sometimes I can feel it doesn’t make a difference what I say, because Your will is different and I know You’ll have Your way

I know that God is good and He is ever faithful, but I’m never where I should and my heart’s grown only hateful in the fight, with half the time apologizing for everything I am, the other branding myself that I have to give a damn

I’m trying with all I’ve got but it’s simply not enough, and I’m terrified that this will never be done, that my most earnest cries will make no difference in Your replies, and in my small simple mind I can’t find the reasons why.

January 3rd free write

In my minds eye I can still see myself a child, lying on her bed staring up at the canopy lights, dreams in her head and the same music in the night- though I didn’t know then what it would mean

Unaware that You were Already There, and saw in my reflection a glimpse of a face I would not recognize for many years to come, and cry in the night, why did You call me here

Unaware how long that road would be, with the same big blue eyes that You first showed me, and the vague love songs that I would hang my heart upon, so strong and alive, oh how I wish I could turn back time

But here we are today, holding our breath here on out, the light gone away from its place in that gaze, there’s no turning back now

I know You saw back then and I can’t figure out if you still see me and where I’ve been, I know that You’re looking both there and here – I wish that my small simple tears were enough to dissuade the years

From falling upon me as they threaten to turn so, will you count Your righteousness to the girl of long ago, before living and the world and learning of its truth, before the corruption of everything I knew

I no longer feel noble, with thoughts that are simple and small, a still weeping child inside I can’t figure out how to console, in the emerging future looming ahead that I can no longer control

As if it were anything new to everyone on the planet, though there’s nothing new to say to equip me to stand it, it’s easy to write the answers into these empty spaces, but an agonizing war with its application

I know this truth but can’t bring myself to stare back at it for very long, like needles sinking in, stealing the strength needed to carry on

A child lies in bed, sleepless with excitement for the day that lies ahead, now the rising sun fills of only its fear and dread, and the many plagues that befall its people, to the right and to my left

I do not sit amidst the Assembly simply for the sake of disagreeing, as I fear my lot is to become just like them, my guilt and shame are multipled for honesty, and a heart waging war with its end.

12.24 free write

Give it away, change and replace everything in my life, I can’t afford to stay the same in my heart I know, but at the end of the day there’s nowhere left to start or go

From here, where nowhere far away is any better than near, where the people are empty and dreams are dead, no companion left standing to pretend

There is nothing new underneath the sun, nothing left of desire or to wish to be done, and I’ve made such mistakes- enough that you’d say I was insane

but to the girl who first wandered out upon this dry desert place, at that time it seemed like the only way, but now come of age, I don’t know how long I’ll have to suffer to pay, will I ever be forgiven what I put to waste, or forever wear the scars that grace my face

Of a song that never was,- but no one would listen anyway- in the smallest increments, I’ve tried so to explain

It seems the only way left to go is the path they say is impossible though, I’ve always had to find a different road, and now being alone is no worse than where the lonely crowd goes

Though I’m terrified I will confess, of life and time and our endlessness, and the words fall flat every time, they’re so much smaller than what’s screaming out inside

I know it’s already happened, that I just can’t see ahead, like a secret that’s been shown to everyone else instead, either or we are all deceived, holding onto the hope of a forsaken dream

With the words of a child all that I know, feeling empty and hopeless, cold and alone, I see how far I’ve come, but my only desire is to be done, so afraid of the road that lies ahead that I only pray by then to be dead

This war at which I was born to keep my hands, it never ends, and I wonder all for what, the signs they don’t make sense, the “answers” don’t add up

I know there’s no such thing as an everlasting love, that no one will care or listen like the man up above, and perhaps no one will ever understand me very much or at all, but I sometimes still wish I had someone to touch and hear when I call

I know that I shall not want, it’s nothing that I need, and everything else is a lie, but most times feel that I was born to bleed

Belonging nowhere above or below, because everything they say, twists my words to make me feel unknown, separated inside by the words I can never seem to find

I bite my tongue until it’s cut as my heart the same, because nothing I say will make it change anyway, none of your words ease the pain, only remind of the truth I try not to hate

Because when I built my castles to try and make a way to survive in this life, they came crashing down when I found their foundation was made of the sand washed away with the tides of time

No two souls are quite alike, so further I look the more I find, that I may be damned, and it kills me inside not knowing which was planned- or what to do next in a hopeless situation

From the very beginning to the breath of the last bend, all in that moment, will it then make sense, regardless of which- God, let it be the end!