3.19 free write

I know all of our lives are within someone else’s hands

But I wonder how long a broken heart itself can last

With a beat that’s quite sideways and all the warnings signs these days

Would there be regret for everything unsaid or unknown or are some simply truths best left to their own

Because something burns very wrong in the stars and things just don’t turn out turn how we thought from the start

I’m so very fucking sorry, But they’ll never even know why or what of

When they’re holding onto shitty stories of happy endings and love

Because for every happy thing there’s twelve tragedies you don’t know, but we can censor them all away to create the semblance of hope

When hope is fucking relative and tired and so is their goddamn consolation, What good is a matter undesired which always befalls its patients

What good is joy to be painted on a face, how they they say that it’s simply a choice to be made

Is learning to love and accept the things you hate really worth all of the bullshitting it takes

Let the chips shatter and fall where they may, but regarding final matters I am not afraid

It all took too long anyway

So we rise to a brand new day but really just find it’s still all the same

Who will be the one to finally bring the change

Because the Maker already has plenty of sick kids to look after, when you can look around to see the devastation act like cancer

They ask me for what I’m after

Nothing anymore, not that fucking matters

To be forgotten about, but I just can’t seem to shut my mouth

For all my bitterness surrounding this and the countless increments

Leading down to the same god forsaken place as above, where supposedly people really chased just wanting to be loved

But it’s hard to imagine a heart that’s not merely invested for the benefit of its part

For are we not all merely selfish from time to time, perhaps sometimes love is really what’s read between the lines

Does somewhere in time it exist, a way to derive sense out of this

Can you hear what is unread, could it be understood why I fear and remain unsaid

Do the cosmics tortured scream loud enough for us to hear, will this curse be borne upon us until the end is too near

It could have been a beautiful night but I feel I can hear it already.


3.16 free write

Six years now I’ve wandered these places, just like the old man had said

All hopes disappeared and forsaken, nothing but this staff in my hand

Just like You had planned, or was this just me and You have abandoned

I climbed up on my mountain and said how much longer will You turn around and forget, You let me lose everything, with nothing to replace it

“Do You even see me now, are you really looking down

Do you know my heart or was it lost back at the Start?”

And You broke open a space in the clouds blackening the day, to send a single ray to illuminate that high place

And the valleys were dark and I thought I had finally caught Your attention, Though I didn’t have to travel so far, I’ve got so many questions

“I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and if I do I’m awoken by my screams, I desire to keep no company and I’ve given up all of these things; they are as nothing to me

I loathe each day more than these words will ever explain, I hate the feelings in my skin, but I’m trapped within them

I’ve fallen under a curse where nothing I do to change ever fucking works

And all common sense of rules and mechanics make me their sole exception, having to run so far each day just to slow my regression

Why let me live just to fantasize about the minute You’ll finally let me die

And not hold it against me to my condemnation, when I want to kill myself and You know me well, there’s no room left for patience

Give Your blessings to someone else, and save these lessons for my younger self, I am gone and dead for all accounts, they’ll never know me again, so send someone else

Why bring me from the womb when You knew I would so quickly be consumed

The drugs can’t help me anymore when I’ve exhausted their use, it’s come time we settle this score as I cannot any longer make due

What even still is good, give me direction to do what I should, then let me be dismissed, because I can’t handle this!”

And all You say is hey look at these birds, as You send them onwards, ever in twos of all different colors

Does that even mean anything, or are You just looking at me and laughing

I know Your cares and priorities are not mine, but cannot You spare me this one thing I’m crying

These months have been torture, I’ve been standing upon the border

I lose my mind and then refind it again only to start right back where I began

Hemmed in, a stranger to myself and everybody else, what is even left to try and escape my hell?

I’ve gone to insane extremes only to find I can’t change anything

Much more than three times I’ve laid out my fleece, and I’m just surprised God listens to me

I know You’re not supposed to test Him so much to prove Himself , but I figure what’s the worst He can do to one who’d already tried to kill themself

And He granted each specification of my proposed tests, requiring they be inane and inconsequential, but they were done nonetheless

So I know there is God, though I can be tempted to throw it out, when life keeps on fucking me and I can’t live it down

I just don’t get His ways or this world, or why He’d give a shit about a whiny bitter girl

But let everything stay the same, while death keeps on taking only the good ones away

When I’m no one and dust and damn far from just, and these are the ones He lets live on to rust

So on I just wander and mourn what is lost, with too much time to ponder for all the thorns I’ve got.

3.10 free write

Why when I look around does it feel just like an end, when there were things that were supposed to still happen

A future so hypothetical with no application of reality, like we’re all just killing the time waiting for something we’ll never find

Like they’re just waiting for their kids to get better, and their son or daughter waiting for better weather

Taking our time and I’m watching more lines showing up on everyone’s faces, while still getting nowhere in all their races, just waiting and chasing for some way to change things

Always looking to tomorrow, hoping for what’s so far, when really all there ever is are the moments we discard

Wishing they meant something more than they do, to me, to you, ideas we hold on to

I’ll be the first to admit I make this mistake, unimpressed by everything, I just sit wasting my life away

Because it all looks and feels the same, and I know I’m not the only one who sees the stupid game

I think ignorance is bliss as is emptyheadedness, it seems the secret to surrender or to enjoy the little that life renders

And you’re lucky if you find yourself a good thing, someone or anything to hold or worth chasing

Perhaps the mundane would be more understood to me, were it that it did not always sting

Always stealing the awareness such that in these dealings I could not care less

And I watch everyone near in my life and wonder how they can appear so occupied, fully engrossed in whatever pursuit, with no nagging host to sever their to do’s

Or people speak of distraction, as though there’s only one track in each moments dues, I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do

How do they make it look so easy to not remember, how do they block out all the voices hanging in the silence, surely they hear them, don’t they?

Can they hear my thoughts like theirs are screaming in my head, is it even possible or should I too pretend

That I’m in this moment and not a thousand miles away, that I even give a shit about the things for which we wait

I guess I’m not at all excited because I don’t operate in the same ways, seems to me we’ve passed the highs and all that remains is slow decay

Perhaps I’m just a pessimist who needs to be proven wrong, I haven’t been incorrect just yet but I’d love to change my song

I’d love to believe that there is a future to be had and made, that everything’s not just taking too long to shatter and disintegrate

I knew if you want something, you ought to go for it today, but if you want nothing, it’s only a waiting game

And I desire nothing that can ever be had, so all the time I’m wasting, I hope I’ll never want back.

3.9 free write

It’s so heavy on my chest that I can barely take a breath, but for all of my endurance it never hurts any less

Like suffocating for weeks on end in the spaces between those two breaths

Withering spirit inside exhausted, my mind is ever either high or hypoxic

Stuck on a ride I can never get off of, getting harder to hide just how bad that I’ve gotten

And I’m sorry to my mother and my father and every other person who ever even bothered

All those years ago they said that it would get better when she was older, if she wasn’t bipolar, or at least that’s what the doctors all told her

But she never really did improve, now look at what the years tend to do

When did life get so hard so fast, I guess the good parts were never meant to last

Like I’m living in hell all alone, but you can still tell more lies down below

And the fear grips about my neck and I can’t say what I need before I forget

I’ve never felt this way before so I can’t fabricate a way forward

I should try to talk to someone but the words just won’t seem to come

And I’m angry and I’m thinking of all the ways I could sink me

Down to the bottom at last so the falling could at long pass

And I don’t think they see just how violent these things can be

Because I already feel like I’ve died a thousand times, every time I rise just to face the same goodbyes

To all hope or peace or any future worth knowing, though try try try again it’s not worth the fight in the end

Not for all the torment when my mind permits no rest, waging war on my flesh and bone, sealing in my regrets

I feel so fucking old so how can I believe in something new, when nothing I have seen or been told are anything but bitter truths

I see it within and around, not knowing how they manage to live it out now

and I say the same old things day after day, but I didn’t know I could feel so afraid

Like being trapped beneath the surface, and you can’t breathe but most other people seem just perfect

And further I go the more I understand what I didn’t want to know, the why’s or the how’s some have chosen to go

To jump from a high precipice in favor of facing a present abyss

Just wanting the feeling to go away, if you find there’s no healing and it’s all the same

And it’s pressing me down so threateningly now that I fear it shall be the way I go out

God has departed, as I thought when I started and the lie of hope is a bird that has flown so far away from me, my heart has ceased beating

And failed for despair; who can save now, do I even care

When my heart is a tomb of which whom may exhume?


I feel so numb and overcome that I’ve nothing to say but the redundant words of a child too lost to think straight

I hate everything and every fucking thing brought by every day

Its all the same dumb stuff and I’ve wasted my fucks, run out of patience and I’ve given up

I don’t know I care to try anymore, I can’t feel anything but hopelessness hate and scorn

With a fire that burns so hot who’d dare to look upon, perhaps I’m not the person you thought but still I just go on and on and on

With all of this gnawing inside, I swallow it back down to hide

Because one little spark and they’re scared, having seen not even the smallest part, unaware and unprepared

But I pray the flames will finally kill me because I’m finding I’m weary and unwilling

oh god aren’t you so sick of my bitching, but it doesn’t really matter as the decision is I’m ditching

Most every fucking one, there’s nothing left undone

I don’t belong though maybe I’m wrong on just a couple of points, but for everything done I hope no one’s disappointed

That I’d cast it all into the sea, in a fucking heartbeat, for all I feel inside is that there’s nothing but debris

And hate and misery and pain and all of my own stupid fucking distain

That I just couldn’t get over, that I just couldn’t be stronger, but now that it’s known, I can’t continue any longer

Maybe it’s I’ve been off the meds for too long, but deep inside it says they can’t save me of what I’m running from

Like I was just a fucking loaded gun or a time bomb ticking from the moment I had begun

So I’ll save all my drama, of this inexplicable trauma and say that there’s none who can pull me back from what I’ve become

Fuck everything that was or will be, I’m so fucking done and I’ve become the enemy

Who can bring me back from the rubble when I live my fucking life trapped within this bubble

I just wanted to feel anything or anyone else, but in the end only destroyed myself

I hate myself so I tried to change, but in this hell I’m left with what I hate, disgust and discord, and mistrusting because I couldn’t afford

Anyone to call it but the one who had to feel and deal with all the shit, fall back and the consequences, all that left me so defenseless

Because you’re right, they don’t understand it, though maybe they once too might have been handed all this hatred, but I never could stand it

I can’t fucking take this anymore, but taking it is all I’ve got and there’s nothing to look forward

Who I once was has become just one with the mud, invisible to all but a trained eye from above

And I will disappear as I have a little more with every passing year

So let’s try to make something to feel inside and remember back, because when comes Time it’s likely all we can ever have.

Free Write 3.1

It’s all going to sound the same for me to ever say anything more

But sometimes I still feel that I owe explanation of some sort

But I don’t care because God is here but He’s not there

And they talk to me all the time but nothing they say ever changes my mind

It’s not that I don’t want to feel better, it’s just I know I’ll never get my shit together

Who am I kidding, this is who I am, and at a certain point there was no way back

I’ve come to terms with this and all that has happened

that I’ll always live alone as it is, fine just not happy

But not because I’m lonely, but that it’s the only thing that’s feasible

When life has become so goddamn unreasonable and I can’t seen to explain it to anyone

I can’t have them see what I’ve become when I don’t care for trying to just get over it any longer

Depression is a weak word, just like all of them

That we can hide behind, pretending that inside we’re just fine

I keep the fight most times but all I want to do is close the blinds

And all I feel are these two things, longing for a world of fantasy and searching for the ending

Because I’m tired and the situation’s redemption long expired

Its worn a million years of wear into my flesh so riddled with despair

So I don’t know what I’m waiting for, there is no more moving forward

Clearly we have arrived, just wasting away for a better time

That will never be, as Time steals everything

The obvious mention that life is cold and unfair, but it is to most so perhaps it is there

I just can’t understand how anything is worth it to the world

As impossible for me to see through anything but the tint of what’s so long been reality for me

And they don’t fucking get it and I won’t try to explain one more time

Either the problem is I’m the only one who doesn’t see things right

Or the situations really do so contrast that they can’t fucking fathom the place that I am at

God let me know or understand, why do You leave me here, forsaken and abandoned

Though You said You never would, what difference does it make if it’s all subjective of what is good

Because life is fucking bitter and cruel, useless and agonizing, though I know we’re all just tools

For purposes my heart has grown cold to, whatever the fuck then die is all I want to do

I’ve tried everything you can’t even imagine, all for fucking nothing

I will never be free!

Why do you still even listen to me

Who hears me, who sees

Why do You preserve my life when I only beg to die

Deal making, risk taking, to try and compensate for an irreconcilable fate

That I fucking hate

Why stay to waste away, let the last blows fall

Come and break me down into the pieces that are already so damn small.

Free Write 2.23

God where are You? I am finding that You are so different from who I thought You were, and everyday’s trial gives me reason to continue in this separation and reaffirmation that I am indeed alone in my own futile thoughts and fruitless wars. It all terrifies me beyond what any soul can bear to feel, that my being built this sentence for myself- but that I truly could not have done any better or different. The more I observe and learn of this complex universe, what it’s all for, to where each circle back leads- the more I am displacing every belief I’d had and all the more convincing it is of not belonging. Who knew that hell had levels anyways, before descending into the next one, to an eventually waning surprise. Everything is falling through the cracks and slipping farther and farther away, and they can’t even see it. They see me here and they think it’s all just the same. And maybe it is, but I am not.

God where did you go? But it doesn’t work that way anyways, You don’t fix circumstances, You change our attitudes regarding them. But changing things isn’t even what You wanted from the beginning. You did everything to save us for eternity, but sometimes nothing can save us in this life because we’re all burning out fast; feeling it in my flesh and bone is sobering. But forever scares me and I’m not noble enough for the purposes of this life. I just wanted what I thought would make me happy, shallow and simple happiness- because nothing else feels good either. But obviously it’s not about that either. And the more I watch, listen, and understand- the more I realize that I don’t have any fucks left to give or energy to spend to someday pull someone out of a hole, because I guaran-fucking-tee there will simply be another hole to fall in after that. It seems that’s all the human race is about, helping eachother up so we can hurry on to the next burden. God, I once was someone who hoped in You, listened to You and followed Your direction; but now I feel a child of perdition to my own innate apathy I can no longer overcome. My own burden grows heavier by the day, and the knowledge gradually setting in that it shall never be removed lessens my will to continue to stand up. And You sent me so many people who tried to help, You sent me countless supernatural signs of which I cannot deny, and granted most anything I asked for but what I wanted the most- the one thing that has destroyed me from the inside out, driven a system into unavoidable isolation, and left me contemplating approaching mortality. I wanted to live and to love, but it seems I never will in any sense of normalcy or consistency. And it feels like the end of the world in more than the figuratively overdramatic sense.

The withered mountain grasses aren’t the only thing that’s dying. Maybe the intensity of the feeling is just because I’m involuntary off the medications I use as a bandaid for unavoidable fates- but then again, it may have been what caused me to start taking them all in the first place. Anything to get away from how depressing reality is. Honestly I’d much prefer to just keep myself indefinitely manic, because there are colors there sometimes, and before I was wired I realized that there are no vivid colors in this life without a chemical high. But those eventually go away too and you can’t keep running, as whatever you’re running from will circle right back to you. Because you can’t get away from these things, and I knew that all along but desired to bide any remaining time. But now it has run out. I thought I had found hope but it has expired and so have I. But God, I really am terribly grieved in my deepest heart You see for where I find myself, but no longer carry on in the same way on this path. For death would be much more favorable than to continue on the path that has been either sentenced or allotted to me. Yes I know how precious time is and how little of it we each are to know, but it doesn’t take so much of it to understand the order of things and to feel utterly misplaced and unqualified. But death is easy- though neither permitting any rest or escape.

Life is toilsome and admirable but nothing I find any iota of investment in. Many people they will go about and waste their lives laboring for what they will have little strength left to enjoy, fabricating meaning and fulfillment to support life being as it has always been through the generations. Of this I will have no part, nor could I if I had desired to. You have granted me the knowledge of many things I did not know, telling me both great and trivial secrets from youth, and in my long-standing solitude I believe have known Your favor and evidence more than most. But with this I can’t understand how You could care enough about the smallest most inconsequential details of my life, yet in Your perfect knowledge allow the debilitating and dominant parts to persist for so long as to render me irrevocably spent. I’m not so ignorant as to deny the continual suffering of others as well, mostly to those of much more admirable character than myself, and to wonder how Your care and higher purposes reconcile with our trivial and subjective suffering.

I can often be tempted wonder if we haven’t simply fabricated a God that makes us feel comfort or hope, when in reality God is who He is and always was long before any of us were a thought, whether we approve or see His actions as good or not- for goodness apart from a singular omnipotent being defining it- will always be merely subjective. So though the actions or allowance of God are not good in my account of benefit, it still is not only good but just. However I can only wish that I could too bring myself to feel that anything is indeed good, because my feeling that everything is worthless and what God allows is somehow unfair doesn’t change the truth- which is still true whether I can believe it in my heart or not. Regardless, I often think for what I have seen and been given that we are highly fortunate that God is not malevolent, in which the hand that none can turn back and the definition of truth or goodness would be ruin. I will never understand the workings of God or why He allows the unspeakable to befall so many, seemingly undeserving by the world’s assessment of it. So if this happens to the countless unnamed, that even so many children with scarce knowledge of evil should suffer, why should I ever hope that God would deal me much better than that? Why does God call all in His name children, but still leave some to die? No, I think their trying to encourage me is in vain.